" . . . Unmarried, shacking and happy . . . " Is this an oxymoron?

Are you/would you live with a man w/o benefit of marriage?

  • Yes

    Votes: 33 33.3%

  • No

    Votes: 47 47.5%

  • Wouldn't dare

    Votes: 20 20.2%

  • Possibly would (expound upon your thoughts in thread, please)

    Votes: 9 9.1%
  • Total voters
    99
  • Poll closed .
LovinLocks

LovinLocks

Well-Known Member
I saw this partial quote from another thread I was reading a moment ago. I have never seriously considered long-term shacking until the last couple of weeks. What I mean by "long-term shacking" is shacking without the benefit (and I do believe it to be a benefit) of being engaged WITH a set marriage date no more than 90 days away. I know the various scripture against such a practice so no need to expound upon those (even facing the religious consequences of coloring and keeping company with the opposite sex).

The quote went on to state that there are women on this board that are happy with shacking. Have you ever heard something to the effect of "People tend to ask questions to which they already know the answer"? Well, I've been dying to broach this subject here for some days now.

I've read "The Rules" and for the most part believe them. Alas, I seriously dropped the ball on this one and here's my excuse. My man is 66 years old and I believe, I believe, from talking to him if I tried "the rules" on him I've lost before I begun. He would see right through them. He is a no-nonsense person who put it out (in writing) exactly what he is looking for in a woman ("friendship to lead to marriage") among many other things.

I am unemployed (well "under" employed) and come 2/1/2010 for all intensive purposes I will need to vacate my apartment. A couple of weeks ago he stated, "I know your feelings about living with a man to whom you are not married; however, as far as I am concerned I would have already told you that you can live with me". I've been dragging my feet slowly as I can in taking items from my place to his (I do have an ounce of principles left). It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings though and who knows I may come up with lucrative employment by January 10 (my cut-off date figuring in working two weeks for a decent paycheck to pay February rent and start the countdown again).

I'm going to keep it real though. I like this man a whole heapa bunch and want to explore this relationship (while humping real hard to find a job, back me some money for in case I need to peace outta Dodge and get my own place).


 
Did you type that correctly? He is SIXTY SIX?

How old are you?
Can you move in with your parents?
What does UNDERemployed mean?
Does this mean you have the means to pay your bills? Does this mean you are working?

It seems like you pretty much made our mind, but I was always taught that if it doesn't bring you peace and happiness, don't do it.
Will moving in with this man bring you peace AND happiness?
Why are you compromising your moral system over not trusting God to bring you through?
 
ZeeOl'Lady said:
Did you type that correctly? He is SIXTY SIX?
Yes

How old are you?
Hi, somewhat younger than he (not that it makes a diff)

Can you move in with your parents?
I'm well over middle-aged. My parents are dead. I have daughters who would allow me to live with them, but I choose to not move in with/on my children. They should live their lives now. God bless 'em for offering.

What does UNDERemployed mean?
I am a substitute teacher while working on teacher licensure to hopefully get my own classroom some day (Special Education/Mild to Moderate disabilities).

Does this mean you have the means to pay your bills?
No, I do not. Mr. 66 has been feeding me, he offered me cell phone (mine is d/c). Basically my household is shutting down slowly but surely; i.e., cable service, home telephone, etc., etc., etc. are gone.

Does this mean you are working?
See above.

It seems like you pretty much made our mind,
You are right if you meant to type "your" vs. "our" before mind.

. .. but I was always taught that if it doesn't bring you peace and happiness, don't do it. Will moving in with this man bring you peace AND happiness?

No crystal ball here; have no idea. Honestly, don't know that spending the night here and there is any better (certainly not morally speaking). Again, I am not approaching this subject from a "morally" this or that stance because there would be no need of opening the floor for discussion under those premises. The law speaks for itself. 'Nuff said 'bout dat.

Why are you compromising your moral system over not trusting God to bring you through?
Click to expand...

Perhaps life experiences . . . Again, not meaning to bring God into this 'cause you said it Chica, I don't trust God when it comes to me. Now see, that's a whoollle 'nother can of worms.

Third time - not trying to bring religion into this discussion (at least not me; yaw'll can if you want. But, this is my LAST religious comment about the topic here).

Thanks for taking the time to respond and get clarity on the matter, Zee Ol'
 
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Okay Thank You.

I didn't mean to bring God in the discussion, I was under the assumption you were looking at Christian perspectives too.

Anyway, I looked at your avatar and though you were in your twenties.
You look GREAT!
Anyway, now that I have more information, I say you never know until you try it.
It's not like you can't move out if it doesn't work.

But to answer your question, I say YES. You can be happy, shacking and unmarried.
 
Hi again,

I guess for the purposes of the topic I should state I WILL NOT live this way, ummm, what's the word, ummm, umm, shoot, mind went blank . . . . indefinitely. I do not have a "date" in mind this second, but trust me I WILL NOT consent to living with him with no marriage in mind indefinitely which is why I addressed finding a job (staying on my grind) and putting away the duckies.

When he wrote me of his intentions one of the first things he stated is that he is looking for a wife, someone he can be friends with and hopefully grow to love and marriage. In my mind it doesn't take years to figure out if a person wants to marry another. At his age (and mine) we have made enough mistakes in life and should be on the path to settling in, enjoying our grandchildren and loving one another (or whomever we decide is "the" one).
 
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ZeeOl'Lady said:
Anyway, I looked at your avatar and though you were in your twenties.
You look GREAT!
Click to expand...

Awww shucks, I'm 50. What a difference diffused light makes (and when I took the self-shot I didn't realize the light was soft like that). Honey, you made my night.
 
You know what you are a grown woman and he is offering help. It seems like he wants to put you on lock. Maybe he is trying to marry you, But at least he is the kind of man to give you a respite while you are getting things back in order. Make your boundries.

I think he wants to get married. I think he wants to marry you, Who wouldn't you seem like a lovely women and your a babe to look at to boot.
 
LovinLocks said:
Awww shucks, I'm 50. What a difference diffused light makes (and when I took the self-shot I didn't realize the light was soft like that). Honey, you made my night.
Click to expand...
If I had known you were 50 I def. wouldn't have asked you to move in with your parents.

What reasons do you have NOt to "shack" other than religion, which it appears you arent too strong about anyway?
 
For me, I wouldn't. But given your financial situation and the fact that your and your S.O. are older and likely in a stage of life where the notion of marriage is different than for someone in their 20's or 30's. And you two have discussed the intentions and you'll be saving money to leave if necessary. I'd say go for it. The "rules" don't always apply at every stage in life.
 
chicitygirl said:
The "rules" don't always apply at every stage in life.
Click to expand...

This is kinda what I was thinking too, ChiCityGirl! :rolleyes: And, you know what, from the conversations we have had, his past actions ('cause I know mine), I believe in my heart of hearts when/if he sees something to indicate I am not the one, oh, he won't be playing games with it, prolonging the inevitable . . . we've actually discussed that possibility too. So, neither of us are into playing games (or so we "say"). Imo keep an eye on what is "done" vs. what is "said" though.
 
I say go for it and ya'll just sound so cute...I don't think he will waste any time playing games as he has stated that he is looking for a "wife:...it sounds as if his intentions are that you will be his wife...but in the meantime to be on the safe side your right about the duckies...so that way you don't feel trapped and if you need to get outta there you can at anytime...
 
You're 50 years old.
Do what you want! :grin:
You look great by the way.

YES, you can be happy with whatever choice you make, if it's what you truly want.
 
Hey LL!

I actually don't have a comment, but a question in general.

Is the Florida guy no longer in the picture? So no move?
 
Hey Lady,

I have known you for 24 years and we have always only had the best intentions for one another. It seems as though "66" is trying his best to make you happy and be up front with you. Not only that he is accepting of your children and not trying to separate you from them as some others in the past have tried (imo). I say go for it. You know if it doesnt work out, that I among others have your back.

I remember one time we were discussing why I didnt move to Nevada with "the one who got away" and I said it was because of fear. You simply stated to me, "well if it didn't work out you know I would have sent for you". The same applies in this situation. :-)

It will all work its self out
 
OhSoOthentik said:
Hey Lady,

I have known you for 24 years and we have always only had the best intentions for one another. It seems as though "66" is trying his best to make you happy and be up front with you. Not only that he is accepting of your children and not trying to separate you from them as some others in the past have tried (imo). I say go for it. You know if it doesnt work out, that I among others have your back.

I remember one time we were discussing why I didnt move to Nevada with "the one who got away" and I said it was because of fear. You simply stated to me, "well if it didn't work out you know I would have sent for you". The same applies in this situation. :-)

It will all work its self out
Click to expand...
Its great she has friends that has her back. OP I don't think you should wait until your bottom falls out to make a move. I understand your feelings on shacking but under the circumstances you need a cushion and ole boy may just have to be it for now.
 
I understand your caution. There are other reasons to get married besides raising children. Socially, you're at an age where you know your mind and are ready to commit. There are also other social ramifications to marriage. A very good friend of mine was planning on marrying the man she was living with. They had plans to buy a home together, they were very much in love, neither of them felt a rush for that piece of paper since children & finances were not an issue.

Well, her man died, and all of a sudden, she was just the girlfriend. Ex-wife shows up, along with unnecessary drama.

This is something that came totally unexpectedly, but had they been married, emotionally, she could have grieved by being part of saying goodbye to him. Instead, while they had spent years together, she had no part in saying her final goodbye.

Now, I'm not saying your man is going to die on you (I have a feeling someone will take it there) but living together is a lot of emotional investment, you want to take care of yourself emotionally & legally as much as possible.

You're smart to consider your options, and to have a good exit plan if things don't work out.
 
Dak said:
I understand your caution.

Well, her man died, and all of a sudden, she was just the girlfriend. Ex-wife shows up, along with unnecessary drama.

. . . living together is a lot of emotional investment, you want to take care of yourself emotionally & legally as much as possible. You're smart to consider your options, and to have a good exit plan if things don't work out.
Click to expand...


AMMEEEN, hallelujiah, THIS is EXACTLY what I'm talking about Dak when I say, I need to get a date in my mind [for marriage or seperation of households] 'cause at our age, don't take no years to decide "we" the one with each other. I'm not big on ultimatums, but I'm watching this situation very closely. To his credit, we had one of those early morning heart-to-hearts the other day. His conversation is always on point, but actions speak louder than words. Like your example we are coming together slowly but surely on things, but as stated all that means NOTHING (for me) if, heaven forbid, he croaks. Let's keep it real, it's a possibility. He and I have already attended a funeral of his financial advisor a year younger than him. So, I feel you TOTALLY, Dak.

Regarding the "date" I'm leaning on 6 months (and that's stretching it in my mind when I consider some of the stuff on our burners for our life together). To that end I am dating 66 clean. Yaw'll know what "clean" dating is? I think I made the term up (now watch I find out it's been in use for centuries, LOL).

Clean dating for me is about keeping it real. I'm trying to let the bad and the ugly show their head. It includes disclosure of some embarrassing facts, they could easily be publically known, but I would like to think there is more respect and trust in me disclosing some things mouth to his ear vs. allowing him to "find" out. I fart when necessary (not uncouthly, but you know)- and a buncha real stuff like that.

We had our first "date" last night; the kind him taking me out and around his friends. It was nice. I heard him on the phone yesterday with someone, "I've got a lady." Awwwww shucks. Dats me yaw'll!
 
It's sweet that your friend is introducing you around. How long have you been together? He really sounds like a good guy.

Living together is so tricky, so say you ante up and give the relationship your all. You're married in all but name. In his mind, why bother getting married? What's left, where else is there to go? Again, it's your emotional investment which is at risk because legally, you have no recourse.

I like your idea of clean dating, but don't forget, a little mystery pretty powerful too. :yep:
 
So...LL....Just one question...have you and Mr. 66 discussed whether this is a permanent arrangement or whether this is a temporary arrangement until your job situation straightens out? I mean...if you move in, is he viewing it as you are coming home or is he viewing it as you need a place to stay, and, since he cares about you, he's welcoming you into HIS home? And, how do YOU view it? Are the two of you on the same page?
 
LovinLocks said:
AMMEEEN, hallelujiah, THIS is EXACTLY what I'm talking about Dak when I say, I need to get a date in my mind [for marriage or seperation of households] 'cause at our age, don't take no years to decide "we" the one with each other. I'm not big on ultimatums, but I'm watching this situation very closely. To his credit, we had one of those early morning heart-to-hearts the other day. His conversation is always on point, but actions speak louder than words. Like your example we are coming together slowly but surely on things, but as stated all that means NOTHING (for me) if, heaven forbid, he croaks. Let's keep it real, it's a possibility. He and I have already attended a funeral of his financial advisor a year younger than him. So, I feel you TOTALLY, Dak.

Regarding the "date" I'm leaning on 6 months (and that's stretching it in my mind when I consider some of the stuff on our burners for our life together). To that end I am dating 66 clean. Yaw'll know what "clean" dating is? I think I made the term up (now watch I find out it's been in use for centuries, LOL).

Clean dating for me is about keeping it real. I'm trying to let the bad and the ugly show their head. It includes disclosure of some embarrassing facts, they could easily be publically known, but I would like to think there is more respect and trust in me disclosing some things mouth to his ear vs. allowing him to "find" out. I fart when necessary (not uncouthly, but you know)- and a buncha real stuff like that.

We had our first "date" last night; the kind him taking me out and around his friends. It was nice. I heard him on the phone yesterday with someone, "I've got a lady." Awwwww shucks. Dats me yaw'll!
Click to expand...

WooooHooooo....look out ya'll...I think he is proud and you are also...I just feel as if this is going to have an awesome ending! I can't wait to hear ya'll married because I don't doubt ya'll will...At this age you are so right to go in truth on your sleeves and keep ya head up as you are not only educating yourself further but you've got friends backing you up and I don't see an issue with family....everyone wants to see their loved ones in love...so go for it...there's nothing to lose and enjoy every minute of your ride off in the sunset with your honeybunches!...the best of everything to ya'll...:yep:
 
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Dak said:
I like your idea of clean dating, but don't forget, a little mystery pretty powerful too. :yep:
Click to expand...

Uuuuuwww, thank you, thank you girl. You know a sistah needs these them here reminders (which is why I'm sharing this with yaw'll young ladies). I am really wanting this to be the "it" for me. Tired of starting over (relationship wise, you know). Time is of the essence (I do believe we are living in the last days) and I ain't gonna lie, I relish in the thought of experiencing a mutually satisfying relationship before I die.

Now, I'm on to read the rest of the responses. Thanks yaw'll for chiming in.

LL
 
Smuckie_Slick said:
So...LL....Just one question...have you and Mr. 66 discussed whether this is a permanent arrangement or whether this is a temporary arrangement until your job situation straightens out?
Click to expand...

Guess I'd have to say something in between, SS! This is me trying to keep it real with myself. If he or I decide the relationship will not/is not working for either of us . . . it's a wrap. Hmm, relooking at the question though, no, this is not about my job, he does want a "wife; someone with whom he can establish a friendship hopefully leading to marriage" [his words, not mine]. Really, reflecting on some of our conversations, if I had personal income we would probably be engaged, LOL.

I mean...if you move in, is he viewing it as you are coming home
Click to expand...

Yeah, he views it as me coming home and he consistently refers to ME as the woman of this house. :rolleyes:

or is he viewing it as you need a place to stay, and, since he cares about you, he's welcoming you into HIS home? And, how do YOU view it? Are the two of you on the same page?
Click to expand...

Hmm, food for thought here. Honestly??? I am not all together comfortable here. I feel he and me need to get OUR OWN place. Funny, the early morning talk the other day yielded great overstanding about that. I hate cold; he not a fan of it either. I am always talking about warmer diggs (lately the rage was FL). Fast forward . . . I told him my vote would be South Carolina (I know he loves, loves CA, but I ain't feeling CA for a place to put down roots - it's going to fall off into the ocean you know, LOL). I need to get on my grind, find a decent position so he will know he is NOT dealing with a freeloading scrub and it's on. That's the main thing that is an issue between us . . . me and a lucrative position so he'll know I can stand on my own. Frankly, that's what I've done most of my adult life anyway. Messed up thing is here I am, now double degreed including a Masters and I'm unemployed. Nother story, 'nother day I guess.

Oh, but back to my level of uncomfortability here . . . his daughter (who runs everything) and her daughter live here with another "woman"; not sure if she is a nanny to the lil girl/granddaughter, or a live-in lover . . it's one of those, don't ask; don't tell situations. A couple weeks ago, the son shows up from MN; he now resides in the rec room, WTF. Oops, I didn't write that. All I know is, according to our intimate conversations, straighten out a thing or two and we are outta here. THEN, I will be comfortable when he and me are in OUR own place. (Yes, this is "his" house; but you ask me, the daughter runs cah cah up in here).

Yes, we are on the same page. You don't deal with 66 and not be.


 
ive read the rules too and a poster said it does apply to every stage of life at a point all those books become garbage
he is offering help take it for now until you get on your feet
 
Oh snap, update ladies!!!!!!!

OhSoOthentik said:
So are you feeling any better about the situation?
Click to expand...

I was an extended booty call, convenient "pussy" for this ahem, "gentleman". Lesson learned.

I'm putting on my "big girl panties" like my avie states and admitting this here, on the WWW. Messed up thing, I ain't even embarrassed to do so. I am simply disgusted with my actions in this regard. I stepped outside of Jehovah God's laws and true to his word ("he" don't lie like Earthling man) I reaped what I sowed. I have been fighting tears and anguish for the last five days. I finally began praying about it three days ago and lo and behold I know Jehovah is hearing my prayers. I'm tired; so tired, but I know discouragement is a tool of Satan and I need to get myself back in Jehovah God's graces and that's exactly what I have been working, no running towards.

So, my answer to my initial question . . . "No!!" There is no such thing as being 'happy' and shacking. And, "No!" I would now not personally recommend any young lady accept an ultimatum from a "man" that includes such a self-serving proposition as to live with him without him loving you, the benefit of marriage.

Namaste,

Amen!

Lovin' Locks
 
Lovin'Locks, I so sorry to hear that it ended that way. But at least you found out before any more of your time was wasted.

Don't beat yourself up over this, 66 sounded slick, you were doing your best to communicate clearly, unfortunately, that just doesn't work unless the other person is ante-ing up clean too.

Keep working on yourself, get clear in your heart the best thing to do next. The only reason for guilt is for us not to do sometime again, not to keep rubbing it in.
 
Dang, what happened?!? I'm sorry that it didn't work out. :( Do you think it was the moving in with him thing that changed everything or would the relationship have ended anyway?
 
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