Ugh...my first marital "dilemna"

[LBoogie]

Okay so, should I feel some kind of way about this?

Thursday is my birthday....and as we all know it's also Thanksgiving.

DH has been asking me what I wanted to do, and Ive been saying I just want him to make me a cornish hen and stay home (Ive never had one before). He's CONTINUED asking for weeks saying "well its YOUR birthday...are you sure you dont want to go somewhere or so something?"

I kept saying no, then about two weeks ago, he started talking about inviting his family over...me "uhm, no...I dont want to do that we don't have space for all of those people and I dont want to cook...its my birthday."

He accepts that, goes on about how Thanksgiving is about family, but its also my birthday so he understands (with puppy dog eyes) and asks if I want to have dinner with his family, I told him not really but since its a big deal to him, we can.

So there was back and forth all week about "are we going or are we not?" and I stuck with "I dont care. If thats what you want fine."

So now, we're going.

The issue is NOT that I dont want to be with his family, but we spend ALOT of time with them (they are very close) and I'm just not in the mood to spend my birthday/thanksgiving with them. Additionally, there isnt ANYONE in his family in my age group. Therye all 40 + or 18 and under....noone in their twenties or thirties, (the same issue we have with me not really being too fond of weekly trips to the church his family has attended since before I was convieved. LOL)

Yesterday it became a big thing about inviting my mother, (she already had plans) but his sister asked him AGAIN and he told her he would ask ME AGAIN, which he did...my mother and I (eh, I love her she's my mommy, BUT I'm not in the mood for family meshing next week, especially NOT on MY birthday). So I texted her, she called me back, and she didnt really want to go, but "since its your birthday," SHE'S now going as well. *le sigh* She didn't know she would be doing me a favor by saying no, but DH was in the driving so I couldnt tell her that. lol

His family spends EVERY birthday and EVERY holiday and almost EVERY Sunday together....he actually "compromised with me when I wanted just US on his birthday and took him to dinner since it was his first birthday as my husband.


Now I'm ust trying to find a way to get through Thursday without a sour look on my face since it IS our FIRST thanksgiving as a married couple.

Do I just need to get over myself?

 

[WomanlyCharm]

Wow...that's alot of family togetherness.

Sorry, I really don't know what to tell you about this one...but I do want to wish you a happy birthday.

Maybe he's planning a big party for you or something? Are you all expected to spend the entire day with everyone, or is there a chance for you to leave after a few hours and do something with just the two of you?

 

[tenjoy]

Ok before it was your Birthday it was Thanksgiving. I think you should let him take/buy/do something for you (as he is trying to hint) and then spend thanksgiving with the family.

People would kill to be all family-ish and i dont know if you have kids yet, but you will appreciated it more when you do.

Celebrate the day before or the day after.....you are not 12 anymore, it wont hurt to push the day back or up. HAPPY BIRTHDAY (go with the flow and have fun)

 

[Vanity1]

Yeah, I was about to say, maybe you guys can compromise and you just spend a few hours over, because he obviously thinks it is very important since he keeps bringing it up.

I don't like the idea of being forced to spend time with folks I don't feel like spending time with, so I can't tell you to get over it. But in this case, just to keep the confusion down, maybe just see if a few hours is ok versus the whole day.

 

[LBoogie]

Wow...that's alot of family togetherness.

Sorry, I really don't know what to tell you about this one...but I do want to wish you a happy birthday.

Maybe he's planning a big party for you or something? Are you all expected to spend the entire day with everyone, or is there a chance for you to leave after a few hours and do something with just the two of you?

Thanks, yes it is alot and its overwhelming at times.

A big party? I hope not, not with his family.

We are spending the ENTIRE DAY there. Period, nothing after and nothing before...just dinner with the family.

 

[LBoogie]

Ok before it was your Birthday it was Thanksgiving. I think you should let him take/buy/do something for you (as he is trying to hint) and then spend thanksgiving with the family.

People would kill to be all family-ish and i dont know if you have kids yet, but you will appreciated it more when you do.

Celebrate the day before or the day after.....you are not 12 anymore, it wont hurt to push the day back or up. HAPPY BIRTHDAY (go with the flow and have fun)

It's not about selfishness at all. its not specificially about my birthday...its about the fact that we have yet to spend a holiday WITHOUT his family, and since this is my first birthday and our first thanksgiving as a married couple, I would rather not have to spend it with 50-11 old folks and kids.

 

[LBoogie]

Yeah, I was about to say, maybe you guys can compromise and you just spend a few hours over, because he obviously thinks it is very important since he keeps bringing it up.

I don't like the idea of being forced to spend time with folks I don't feel like spending time with, so I can't tell you to get over it. But in this case, just to keep the confusion down, maybe just see if a few hours is ok versus the whole day.

And THAT is the thing, he's constantly pushing me on his family, hes always trying to get me to hang out with his sister (she's cool, but I dont want to hang out with her...I have friends. LOL. Friends that aren't 14 years older than me and related by marriage.

 

[tenjoy]

double post

 

[tenjoy]

And THAT is the thing, he's constantly pushing me on his family, hes always trying to get me to hang out with his sister (she's cool, but I dont want to hang out with her...I have friends. LOL. Friends that aren't 14 years older than me and related by marriage.

I have a birthday next month, close to christmas...I know the feeling of Birthday/Christmas gift alll to well

 

[*5+5]

Well maybe once it comes and go you'll feel like it wasn't so bad after-all, my family is like your DH's and it’s sometimes overwhelming for SO. Maybe your DH and his family will do something really sweet to make your bday/holiday worthwhile. Man, SO & I have this dilemma every holiday about where to go, who to see. Maybe we'll create a schedule when we're married. Have a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

 

[WomanlyCharm]

Thanks, yes it is alot and its overwhelming at times.

A big party? I hope not, not with his family.

We are spending the ENTIRE DAY there. Period, nothing after and nothing before...just dinner with the family.

Oh my. Sounds like...fun.

I'd say your DH owes you a romantic over the top birthday celebration - just the two of you- either right before or after Thanksgiving.
Let him know. No ifs ands or butts, even if it means missing one of the billions of family gatherings they hold on sunday monday tuesday, etc.
(man, they must get along great to spend that much time together...it's actually kinda sweet).


BTW, you keep calling them HIS family...Lboogie, they're yours now too, for better or worse!

 

[tenjoy]

[/b]

Oh my. Sounds like...fun.

I'd say your DH owes you a romantic over the top birthday celebration - just the two of you- either right before or after Thanksgiving.
Let him know. No ifs ands or butts, even if it means missing one of the billions of family gatherings they hold on sunday monday tuesday, etc.
(man, they must get along great to spend that much time together...it's actually kinda sweet).


BTW, you keep calling them HIS family...Lboogie, they're yours now too, for better or worse!

No you didnt

 

[foxxymami]

Well he seems like a nice man, making sure you're comfortable and all.

What was the set up for your birthday/Thanksgiving before you guys got married, when you were dating?

 

[Vanity1]

And THAT is the thing, he's constantly pushing me on his family, hes always trying to get me to hang out with his sister (she's cool, but I dont want to hang out with her...I have friends. LOL. Friends that aren't 14 years older than me and related by marriage.

Me and DH have a similar issue. We been married a few months, and I had to explain to him that even though I love him and his family, I still am an individual, and I don't think it is fair to force me to always be around people I am not interested in being around cause I do not do the same thing to him. Note now, I never really always saw his parents before and really didn't call them. Now all of a sudden we are married, and they, including him, feel I am magically supposed to. So, even though I can understand his viewpoint, he needs to see mines as well. And after I talked to him, he has backed off.

Your DH may never understand how you feel, because he loves his family, and that is a good thing. But maybe having a conversation with him explaining exactly how you feel will help to shed some light to him on this situation.

Granted, he might indeed be planning something for you, my head is always filled with what ifs . You may go over there all day, and that may end up being all you do, and you will really be disappointed. See, I am not the best person to get this advice from, I am a rebel.

So, yeah, yall need to just sit down and have an honest talk, and come to a compromise, otherwise, you may end up feeling shorted. I don't think you are being selfish, but holidays as a first time married couple are just a few of kinks you have to work out.

 

[Vanity1]

[/b]

Oh my. Sounds like...fun.

I'd say your DH owes you a romantic over the top birthday celebration - just the two of you- either right before or after Thanksgiving.
Let him know. No ifs ands or butts, even if it means missing one of the billions of family gatherings they hold on sunday monday tuesday, etc.
(man, they must get along great to spend that much time together...it's actually kinda sweet).


BTW, you keep calling them HIS family...Lboogie, they're yours now too, for better or worse!

perplexed

 

[ackee walk]

i understand where you're coming from. i feel as though if there is one day you are allowed to be selfish, it's on your birthday. but your birthday won't always fall on thanksgiving. if i were you, i would go and just work out the disappointment of not being alone with DH on your birthday this year. beyond that, have you spoken to DH about how you feel? if not, i think it is important that you eventually talk to him about how you feel about spending so much time with his family. do it when you are calm and can speak with tact so it doesn't come out like "i hate spending time with your family". seeing as how he's so close to them, tread softly.

happy early birthday!

 

[LBoogie]

Well he seems like a nice man, making sure you're comfortable and all.

What was the set up for your birthday/Thanksgiving before you guys got married, when you were dating?

Well, this is only our SECOND Thanksgiving together....the last one (whilst dating) was spent with his family. My birthday wasn't on Thankgiving last year, he took me to dinner.

 

[LBoogie]

Me and DH have a similar issue. We been married a few months, and I had to explain to him that even though I love him and his family, I still am an individual, and I don't think it is fair to force me to always be around people I am not interested in being around cause I do not do the same thing to him. Note now, I never really always saw his parents before and really didn't call them. Now all of a sudden we are married, and they, including him, feel I am magically supposed to. So, even though I can understand his viewpoint, he needs to see mines as well. And after I talked to him, he has backed off.

Your DH may never understand how you feel, because he loves his family, and that is a good thing. But maybe having a conversation with him explaining exactly how you feel will help to shed some light to him on this situation.

Granted, he might indeed be planning something for you, my head is always filled with what ifs . You may go over there all day, and that may end up being all you do, and you will really be disappointed. See, I am not the best person to get this advice from, I am a rebel.

So, yeah, yall need to just sit down and have an honest talk, and come to a compromise, otherwise, you may end up feeling shorted. I don't think you are being selfish, but holidays as a first time married couple are just a few of kinks you have to work out.

OMG, you too?? This man will be like "you never call my parents." I'm like "huh? for what? I see them every week. LOL. I see them more than I see my own family."

And if he's talking to a family member, he'll put me on the phone...

Them: hows' the wife

him: Great, wanna talk to her?

me: Hiiiiiii, how are you??? Awesome! Blah blah blah blah blah...talking with a smile. When I get off I'm like

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Just wait till you have kids... bwahaha!! It gets more complicated, more feelings get hurt, and more every year!

 

[LBoogie]

[/B]

Oh my. Sounds like...fun.

I'd say your DH owes you a romantic over the top birthday celebration - just the two of you- either right before or after Thanksgiving.
Let him know. No ifs ands or butts, even if it means missing one of the billions of family gatherings they hold on sunday monday tuesday, etc.
(man, they must get along great to spend that much time together...it's actually kinda sweet).


BTW, you keep calling them HIS family...Lboogie, they're yours now too, for better or worse!

Greaaaaaaaaaaat.

 

[LBoogie]

Just wait till you have kids... bwahaha!! It gets more complicated, more feelings get hurt, and more every year!

I think I wouldnt mind as much if we had kids. Then there would be more of a reason to see the in-laws weekly. Now its just like *shrugs*

 

[Vanity1]

OMG, you too?? This ma will be like "you never call my parents." I'm like "huh? for what? I see them every week. LOL. I see them more than I see my own family."

And if he's talking to a family member, he'll put me on the phone...

Them: hows' the wife

him: Great, wanna talk to her?

me: Hiiiiiii, how are you??? Awesome! Blah blah blah blah blah...talking with a smile. When I get off I'm like

Yes. Men are very much alike. If they find something important, you will definately know about it.

Like I said, I love his parents, but especially after our nuptials, I have various reasons for not wanting to talk to them as much. We had a cat and dog fight a couple of times because he just thought me not talking to them was the worst thing in the world. When in actuality, if his parents never said anything to him, I wouldn't ever hear about it either. It just comes with the territory, I guess. I can appreciate his respecting his parents, but dag, I am your wife, respect me to, eh?

Just wait till you have kids... bwahaha!! It gets more complicated, more feelings get hurt, and more every year!

Thanks for the reminder. I look forward to hurting alot of feelings when we get ready for kids.

I think I wouldnt mind as much if we had kids. Then there would be more of a reason to see the in-laws weekly. Now its just like *shrugs*

I think when you have kids is when you really are not going to want to see them. Opinions, unsolicited advice and feelings of entitlement galore.

 

[LBoogie]

Whatever happened to "leave and cleave??" LOL

 

[Vanity1]

Whatever happened to "leave and cleave??" LOL

That is only supposed to apply to women, silly.

We are supposed to leave our parents and friends and be at the demand of the DH and his family, you know better!

 

[LBoogie]

That is only supposed to apply to women, silly.

We are supposed to leave our parents and friends and be at the demand of the DH and his family, you know better!

But the good book actually says MAN. LOL

Dogonnit, Im sick of people twisting the word.

 

[dlewis]

Do I just need to get over myself?

I think how you handle this will set the stage for every other holiday/ birthday.

My husband was in a very close family (not any more and they blame me). I came from a close family but we didn't need to all up on each other like they do. They would spend every sunday, holiday and they even vacations together.perplexederplexed

I don't like people and compromised with him on somethings. For the first couple of years we spent EVERY sunday with his family. Our first Thankgiving and Christmas was with them to. The next year I put my foot down that I wasn't going nowhere for Thanksgiving or Christmas - hell my son wanted to be at his house playing with his gift to. Now holidays are always at my house, his family is not welcomed now but when they were they would all come over, my family also holiday at my house.

What Im saying is you're setting up traditions for your family now. If you go along with it and at some point in the future you decide that you want to change things, it will be harder. Set the stage now for the type of holidays you want.

 

[kandake]

Whatever happened to "leave and cleave??" LOL

Unfortunately that doesn't work with families as close as your DH's.

I know from experience. When I was married it was the same way. I saw his family about 2-3 times out of the week. He would get upset if I didn't call his mom/aunts/grandmother. We had to spend ALL holidays and birthdays together. Anything esle was considered uncivilized.

So believe me I feel your pain. Its sucks but you may have to get used to it. I mean you knew what you were getting into when you got married. And I'm not trying to be facetious just stating the reality of the situation.

 

[LBoogie]

I think how you handle this will set the stage for every other holiday/ birthday.

My husband was in a very close family (not any more and they blame me). I came from a close family but we didn't need to all up on each other like they do. They would spend every sunday, holiday and they even vacations together.perplexederplexed

I don't like people and compromised with him on somethings. For the first couple of years we spent EVERY sunday with his family. Our first Thankgiving and Christmas was with them to. The next year I put my foot down that I wasn't going nowhere for Thanksgiving or Christmas - hell my son wanted to be at his house playing with his gift to. Now holidays are always at my house, his family is not welcomed now but when they were they would all come over, my family also holiday at my house.

What Im saying is you're setting up traditions for your family now. If you go along with it and at some point in the future you decide that you want to change things, it will be harder. Set the stage now for the type of holidays you want.

Oh geeze..Oh, they take yearly vacations together as well. lol

I too, am NOT a people-person. I have a handful of people that I'm tight with and thats it, I keep my circle very small. So its usually an uncomfortable sitauation because there are always a minimum of 5 family members around, asking a million and one questions.

Again, his family is cool, but I need a break sometimes.

I don't want him to be away from his family, but I dont need or want to be up under them all of the time. Maybe once every TWO weeks? LOL

I don't know...

 

[Vanity1]

But the good book actually says MAN. LOL

Dogonnit, Im sick of people twisting the word.

Same thing I said.

I think how you handle this will set the stage for every other holiday/ birthday.

My husband was in a very close family (not any more and they blame me). I came from a close family but we didn't need to all up on each other like they do. They would spend every sunday, holiday and they even vacations together.perplexederplexed

I don't like people and compromised with him on somethings. For the first couple of years we spent EVERY sunday with his family. Our first Thankgiving and Christmas was with them to. The next year I put my foot down that I wasn't going nowhere for Thanksgiving or Christmas - hell my son wanted to be at his house playing with his gift to. Now holidays are always at my house, his family is not welcomed now but when they were they would all come over, my family also holiday at my house.

What Im saying is you're setting up traditions for your family now. If you go along with it and at some point in the future you decide that you want to change things, it will be harder. Set the stage now for the type of holidays you want.

I agree, I am seeing this now. You set the precendent for things to come.

All in all, I hope everything works out though and that you enjoy your birthday. I think you should sit down and have an honest one on one with your sweetie, at the same time, don't short yourself. JMO.

 

[LBoogie]

Unfortunately that doesn't work with families as close as your DH's.

I know from experience. When I was married it was the same way. I saw his family about 2-3 times out of the week. He would get upset if I didn't call his mom/aunts/grandmother. We had to spend ALL holidays and birthdays together. Anything esle was considered uncivilized.

So believe me I feel your pain. Its sucks but you may have to get used to it. I mean you knew what you were getting into when you got married. And I'm not trying to be facetious just stating the reality of the situation.

I didnt know it was THIS bad, and I THOUGHT, them being good Christian folk, would understand and support "leaving and cleaving."