The Scarlet Bump to come...

[Precious0719]

My SO and I are pregnant. Prior to the pregnancy, we had engagement plans for Summer 08' and wedding plans for Late Spring 09'. Okay... after a lot of back and forth about moving the wedding date up, etc. We decided to keep our wedding date for May 09. I'm glad about that. However, I've been having difficulty in spreading the news of my pregnancy and for the most part, trying to keep it pretty quiet until he proposes. We both agreed to move in together before the baby is born and subsequently get engaged. However, I'm four months and ticking yet, he still hasn't asked. Now, this is my first pregnancy and I have no issue with kids out of wedlock (supposedly), but maybe I do when it comes to me. He keeps asking me if I've told this person or that person but, I'm like "no". I know for sure I will feel 100% more comfortable with our "gift" having evidence of a sincere "promise". My mind is aching to ask him to at least ask me before I start showing but, I can't bring myself to do that. Does he not recognize my hidden shame!
Background info:
I'm 27, he is 32.
We are both professionals working in the field we went to school for.
We live apart. Are both Christians. I am VERY active at my church.
Also, we were disqualified for Pre-marital counseling because of our "status". And were referred to an alternative source.

 

[frizzy]

You have a lot of serious issues going on.

I have my opinions but don't want to impose them on you. You know what is best, and you know what is the right thing to do for your situation (so does he)

Now how did YOU slip up and let this happen, at this time?

 

[ChrissyB]

I would talk to him about it. Maybe he just has so much stuff on his mind that he hasn't taken the time to consider how important a proposal (and quickly) is to you. I mean, you already had concrete plans for marriage so it's not like the subject of the actual proposal should be a touchy one. In fact, maybe he is unaware that you are even waiting for a proposal since you already have a date in mind for marriage. Sounds like you two kind of skipped the proposal step, and that minor detail means a lot to you but maybe it's not quite as serious to him.

So, tell him your concerns, let him know how you feel. If he really wants to marry you, he shouldn't have a problem going ahead and proposing, especially given the sensitivity of the situation.

 

[Ms Red]

First, congratualtions

If I were in your situation, we would have 'the conversation.' You know, the one revolving around the fact that we are 'unmarried' 'not engaged' and 'soon-to-be parents'.... He is old/mature enough to handle it and at this point in time, the baby is coming. If you have to walk on eggshells about an issue this important, I'm a little concerned.

How long have you two been together? He may need the 'what are you waiting for, I am going to have your child!' talk. Honestly, when he would ask me 'Have you told so and so, I would reply 'No. I am waiting for you to make a commitment to *us*' ('us' meaning you and the baby...)

Anyone else agree??

 

[Kimberly]

What I want to say is... "If you want to marry him, you should be able to talk to him". I know that can be easier said than done but this is affecting your relationship and can have an affect on your pregnancy. YOU need to speak up.

 

[envybeauty]

Speak up and speak up from now. I have a friend who got engaged at like 7 months and married at like 9.8 months (i.e. less than a week before the baby was born). He is not walking around with the same emotions you are because his disposition is not changing. It is your stomach that is growing, not his. He does not feel the same pressure you do from society or otherwise.

 

[ThickHair]

You should be able to talk to him about anything. You are about to have this mans child. How can you have wedding plans and no proposal? I am sorry but that makes no sense to me at all. Dancing around the issue really isn't a mature thing to do. IMHO sitting him down and basically asking for a proposal is borderline ultimatum. What are you going to do if he no longer wants to marry you or starts dragging his feet?

 

[Farida]

My SO and I are pregnant. Prior to the pregnancy, we had engagement plans for Summer 08' and wedding plans for Late Spring 09'. Okay... after a lot of back and forth about moving the wedding date up, etc. We decided to keep our wedding date for May 09. I'm glad about that. However, I've been having difficulty in spreading the news of my pregnancy and for the most part, trying to keep it pretty quiet until he proposes. We both agreed to move in together before the baby is born and subsequently get engaged. However, I'm four months and ticking yet, he still hasn't asked. Now, this is my first pregnancy and I have no issue with kids out of wedlock (supposedly), but maybe I do when it comes to me. He keeps asking me if I've told this person or that person but, I'm like "no". I know for sure I will feel 100% more comfortable with our "gift" having evidence of a sincere "promise". My mind is aching to ask him to at least ask me before I start showing but, I can't bring myself to do that. Does he not recognize my hidden shame!
Background info:
I'm 27, he is 32.
We are both professionals working in the field we went to school for.
We live apart. Are both Christians. I am VERY active at my church.
Also, we were disqualified for Pre-marital counseling because of our "status". And were referred to an alternative source.

A few questions: Have you moved in together already?

Perhaps you need to talk to him about how you feel - the shame aspect.

Also, I think it is unfortunate you were turned away from counseling. Was it because of the pregnancy or living together or both?

 

[winterinatl]

Tell him to either sh!t or get off the pot.

I wonder if this is "real" to him yet, as you may not be showing. I've heard of men (and women!) really not attaching to the fact that they are about to create a whole new person.

I don't understand why, if you are pregnant and he intends on marrying you, he wouldn't do it now. And you all had been planning to get married before the pregnancy, right? It makes me feel he was just talking.

I think you should calmly state your position once, no arguments. If no results by ____ date, prepare yourself to make a stand, leave him alone. Don't tell him that, though, just do it. Get comfortable in your head and in your emotions with being single, and raising baby alone. This way, you won't be sticking around out of desparation because you can handle it just fine .

It makes me really angry when men talk all this marriage and family crap and then back down once talk becomes reality. I would hate for you to be strung along as his girlfriend with child forever waiting to get married.

 

[cutebajangirl]

I really think you should talk to him. I also dont see why you cant do a JOP wedding now and plan for a complete wedding (with the ceremony, reception etc) later if you guys are already planning it. Im guessing your fear is that he may have been talking the talk and is not willing, if that is the case then you need to know asap so you can better prepare yourself and your life for being a single mom (like letting people know so you can have a foundation for support). Good Luck.

 

[chellero]

He should have asked you to marry him immediately. If you are going to have a baby soon, and you plan on marrying eventually then the time to get married is now. I had a friend in a similar situation. She got engaged, they moved in together, and she got pregnant. Then all of the sudden the relationship became too stressful and he needed his space. She's not married now (5 years later), but she has had another one of his children.

If it were me, I wouldn't compromise or be willing to work with him on this issue. If he can't step up and make an "honest" woman out of you now, then he's not going to be good for much more than child support in the future.

There are some threads here somewhere about long engagements that I think you would find interesting. I'd find them for you if the search feature was working. Maybe someone else can bump them up.

Good luck!

ETA: If your church wouldn't give you premarital counseling because you are pregnant then I would seriously consider a new church. I don't see how sending you elsewhere helps anything.

 

[Farida]

If you told him tonight that you were going to tell everyone you are pregnant how would he react?

 

[OceeMom]

1) Think very carefully about what Thick Hair asked. "How can you have wedding plans and no proposal?" The original date was summer '08 wedding. The proposal should have be a done deal. You need a man of action, not intention.

2) Babies add complexity and stress to marriage- even more reason to be prepared. I see that your church recommended another counselor, but, depending on how they handled that and why, you might want to consider another church.

3) Talk to him. Better yet, let him talk. Tell him- calmly- what you want him to talk about and wait. If it's uncomfortably quiet, that's fine. Wait expectantly.
(I found with my husband that, if there's a serious subject and he doesn't have quiet to sort through his thoughts and put together exactly the right words, he won't speak at all. It can be dreeeeeeeeaaaaadfully slow.)

Best of luck.

 

[FlowerHair]

If your wish is to get married as soon as possible, there is no time for a long engagement.

I think the real problem is that you fear that he is going to keep pushing the date forward and that you guys cannot communicate freely.
If you don't tell him how you feel, he can't really know what you feel. Just write him a letter if you are afraid to talk. You have to let him know your feelings on this matter.
Sometimes we expect men to be like our girl friends, to immediately pick up on our hints and try to set the situation straight. Men don't really get hints They need clear and straightforward communication

Congratulations by the way!

 

[Precious0719]

A few questions: Have you moved in together already?

Perhaps you need to talk to him about how you feel - the shame aspect.

Also, I think it is unfortunate you were turned away from counseling. Was it because of the pregnancy or living together or both?

We live apart. After I posted this thread, I left work and while commuting, I asked him about it. We were talking about a different subject and our living together in the future came up. I own a home and he lives about 20 minutes away. So, in a convo about HOA and other similar topics I said something like, "So, will we be engaged prior to your move in in April?" He replied, "Believe it! I'd never move in with you without at least that level of commitment. You knew that already..."
Well, he is right, we have discussed this before but I have gotten a little anxious being that three great occasions to ask have passed and I'm beginning to show a little. We announced to our parents over the holidays news about the baby and our forthcoming marriage plans. He'd already asked my dad for my hand in early summer.
The baby is quite a surprise to us because we weren't really active... truly all it takes in ONE time!
Well, I got my answer from him. Yay! It wasn't that I couldn't talk to him ( we talk about anything and everything for hours at a time). I was just freaking out in my own head because when we are together I'm not really concerned. Its when we are apart and I start to entertain others peoples thoughts about me and my less than perfect decision to have premarital intercourse and actually "get knocked up"... Not a good look when most people are so critical of your every mistake or success.
Which summons another issue in an of itself. But I will step down from my soapbox and maybe save that topic for another thread.
Thanks for all your comments, suggestions, and etc. You all are great!

 

[FlowerHair]

That's wonderful! I wish you all the best with the little baby that's coming Your fiancée seems like a good guy. If he acts up, remind him that he already asked your father for your hand
No turning back now!

 

[Farida]

Good to hear that you have arrived at a comfortable point for now. The last thing you need while pregnant is stress.

 

[princessnad]

Well, I am happy for you and I wish you a successful and stress-free pregnancy.

 

[CurliDiva]

My SO and I are pregnant. Prior to the pregnancy, we had engagement plans for Summer 08' and wedding plans for Late Spring 09'. Okay... after a lot of back and forth about moving the wedding date up, etc. We decided to keep our wedding date for May 09. I'm glad about that. However, I've been having difficulty in spreading the news of my pregnancy and for the most part, trying to keep it pretty quiet until he proposes. We both agreed to move in together before the baby is born and subsequently get engaged. However, I'm four months and ticking yet, he still hasn't asked. Now, this is my first pregnancy and I have no issue with kids out of wedlock (supposedly), but maybe I do when it comes to me. He keeps asking me if I've told this person or that person but, I'm like "no". I know for sure I will feel 100% more comfortable with our "gift" having evidence of a sincere "promise". My mind is aching to ask him to at least ask me before I start showing but, I can't bring myself to do that. Does he not recognize my hidden shame!
Background info:
I'm 27, he is 32.
We are both professionals working in the field we went to school for.
We live apart. Are both Christians. I am VERY active at my church.
Also, we were disqualified for Pre-marital counseling because of our "status". And were referred to an alternative source.

Firstly, congratulations Precious,

I send a prayer to you and your growing family!

Just talk to him! At this point, you need to get over your "ideals" of how the engagement should happen.

Be gentle with yourself, the most important thing now is that developing baby, IMO.

 

[ThickHair]

So, in a convo about HOA and other similar topics I said something like, "So, will we be engaged prior to your move in in April?" He replied, "Believe it! I'd never move in with you without at least that level of commitment. You knew that already..."

So you two still aren't engaged????? Sorry, I don't get it, what am I missing? Sounds like a promise of engagement to me.

 

[frizzy]

So you two still aren't engaged????? Sorry, I don't get it, what am I missing? Sounds like a promise of engagement to me.

ITA

I don't understand a few things.

1. Why not skip the engagement and get married before he moves in.
2. Both are Christians and OP is very active in the church, so why would you live together before marriage? You have no issue with having children out of wedlock?
3. Are you going to seek the alternative source for counseling?
4. An engagement, at this point, is all you need to make things okay?

 

[sunshinelady]

ITA

I don't understand a few things.

1. Why not skip the engagement and get married before he moves in.
2. Both are Christians and OP is very active in the church, so why would you live together before marriage? You have no issue with having children out of wedlock?
3. Are you going to seek the alternative source for counseling?
4. An engagement, at this point, is all you need to make things okay?

I agree with this whole post. Has his behavior raised any red flags in your mind? Based on your story, I see several. Do you think he is waiting because he is trying to pay off your ring or something? How did he react when you were rejected for premarital counseling? Either way, keep your eyes wide open and maintain your dignity.

 

[envybeauty]

True. Being engaged before you live together is nothing. It is just a promise to commit and not an actual commitment. Even with an engagement, you are still not married and don't get the benefits of being married.

Considering that a child is involved and on the way, I say jump ahead get married by a JOP and have a huge anniversary party in 2009.

ITA

I don't understand a few things.

1. Why not skip the engagement and get married before he moves in.
2. Both are Christians and OP is very active in the church, so why would you live together before marriage? You have no issue with having children out of wedlock?
3. Are you going to seek the alternative source for counseling?
4. An engagement, at this point, is all you need to make things okay?

 

[lexi08]

I say go to the JP and get married now. Nix the engagement and moving in together.

 

[tenjoy]

get married.

You can always have the "ceremony" later on.

 

[misskris816]

So you two still aren't engaged????? Sorry, I don't get it, what am I missing? Sounds like a promise of engagement to me.

ITA. Unfortunately, he hasn't done anything except continue to put off the engagement.

 

[Farida]

All he told you is he'll propose before april. If you are 4 mos pregnant now,are you okay with him proposing on March 31st when you are almost 7 mos. and everyone can see it? Sounds to me like he is buying time to create an exit plan.
Have you asked him why he is waiting to propose? If he is trying to buy a ring tell him not to. At this point that is unimportant. If he is waiting for the "right" time - he has no luxury for that now.

 

[Farida]

Be really upfront with him.

Instead of giving ultimatums, explain to him how you feel. Tell him you love him and want to be with him.
Tell him you are scared, worried and ashamed.

Ask him if there is anything you can do to make him feel more comfortable. Is he scared, worried, nervous, financially insecure?

You need to find a tactful way to ask him what's taking him so long without throwing accusations and giving ultimatums.

First of all, you need to consider what you want. If he refuses to marry you, will you stay?

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

ETA: If your church wouldn't give you premarital counseling because you are pregnant then I would seriously consider a new church. I don't see how sending you elsewhere helps anything.

I agree with that.
Otherwise, just talk to him and let him know how you feel.
Outside of that, don't let anyone make you feel bad about your pregnancy... including yourself and it's circumstances.

 

[MissYocairis]

He should have asked you to marry him immediately. If you are going to have a baby soon, and you plan on marrying eventually then the time to get married is now. I had a friend in a similar situation. She got engaged, they moved in together, and she got pregnant. Then all of the sudden the relationship became too stressful and he needed his space. She's not married now (5 years later), but she has had another one of his children.

If it were me, I wouldn't compromise or be willing to work with him on this issue. If he can't step up and make an "honest" woman out of you now, then he's not going to be good for much more than child support in the future.

There are some threads here somewhere about long engagements that I think you would find interesting. I'd find them for you if the search feature was working. Maybe someone else can bump them up.

Good luck!

ETA: If your church wouldn't give you premarital counseling because you are pregnant then I would seriously consider a new church. I don't see how sending you elsewhere helps anything.

ITA with everything Chellero said. I'm so sorry this happened. You guys need to elope now and do a ceremony later.

And your church's pre-marital dept is negligent.