The Other Woman Is My Friend

[syze6]

LOL! Not the other woman in my relationship.

When you are married or in a relationship and your friend is the other woman in a marriage or relationship, is that a topic you guys just don't discuss? How do you maintain a friendship with your friend who is another woman in someone's marriage, if you are married as well or in a long term relationship? Do you excuse yourself from the conversation when she starts talking about the guy?

 

[Leesh]

I personally could not entertain it...

I apologize to any mistresses here, but I despise women who mess with other women's men, married or not.

 

[mzpurp]

This should be interesting.

 

[topnotch1010]

I don't care. It doesn't bother me. It's not me and my marriage nor my sins to confess. I listen and give warning, but other than that it's really out of my control. She won't lose me as a friend because of it.

 

[syze6]

I have learned that no matter the comment, it is always met with defensiveness, so I refrain from commenting. I mentioned to my friend that she deserved better and our pleasant conversation turned in a blink of an eye. She felt with those three little words I was judging her. I'm was left confused, because I felt my words were out of love and genuine.

 

[kandake]

I'm confused.

 

[syze6]

I'm confused.

I was wondering for the sake of avoiding any arguments or perceived judgement, do you make an agreement to just avoid that topic all together? When she starts gushing about him, do you just sit in silence or change the subject?

 

[IronButterfly]

If she's a good friend, then be an ear for her. If she's someone you can do without, and don't want to listen to her, tell her so. Either way, the hole she's digging herself will swallow her sooner or later. Not everyone can be LeeAnn Rhimes.

 

[syze6]

If she's a good friend, then be an ear for her. If she's someone you can do without, and don't want to listen to her, tell her so. Either way, the hole she's digging herself will swallow her sooner or later. Not everyone can be LeeAnn Rhimes.

She is my friend and I catch flack from my cousin who wonders how I maintain an honest friendship. She wonders how as a married woman I don't distance myself from a person, involved with a married man. I think it's crazy that she is involved but I don't think it is a reflection of me. I just would never want to be involved in a situation as that. We go for coffee every morning and she does her morning call, where they talk. I sit and wait for her to end her conversation and continue drinking my coffee. I think to myself, I wouldn't want my husband to have this type of connection with a woman, but I don't think I should not associate with her due to her choices.

 

[Keen]

She is my friend and I catch flack from my cousin who wonders how I maintain an honest friendship. She wonders how as a married woman I don't distance myself from a person, involved with a married man. I think it's crazy that she is involved but I don't think it is a reflection of me. I just would never want to be involved in a situation as that. We go for coffee every morning and she does her morning call, where they talk. I sit and wait for her to end her conversation and continue drinking my coffee. I think to myself, I wouldn't want my husband to have this type of connection with a woman, but I don't think I should not associate with her due to her choices.

Hmm.... I would distance myself from her. I believe birds of feather flock together. I would still talk to her but we couldn't be bff like that.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

How old are you? How long have you been friends with her? Is this some "you won't believe how this happened" mess or is this a pattern with her?

Two scenarios.

One friend got into something in a way that young me would not have condoned. He was upfront so technically she wasn't the other women although I'm sure his now ex gf doesn't see it that way. Once he met someone that he wanted to be with he was motivated to have those hard conversations and separate from his situation but I know his ex is still bugging that he met and married someone else so fast. As of today my friend has been married 10 years and now have 4 kids. My position at the time was to just be her friend and keep the bat on standby. Anytime we talked there were clear steps to things moving in the right direction so I'm glad I kept my initial opinion to myself. This was definitely the exception.

On the other hand another (now former) friend is always in the midst of some foolishness. After constantly being made to feel bad because I was "judging" her I just had to cut her loose. Because in the end her moral compass is so far to the left from my own that I just don't trust her and being friends since we were 15 was no longer enough to excuse her nonsense. What bonded us when we were kids no longer exists.

I kind of agree with your cousin. Even if this is your bestest like a sister friend when you are married things change. You may not think that birds of a feather flock together but there is some truth to that. Being her friend doesn't mean you don't get to call her out on her stuff. Just sitting there and letting her talk isn't being her friend - its an elephant in the room that ya'll need to discuss. If you don't want to hear about it then say so otherwise your silence comes across as condoning her behavior.

What did your husband say? Would you want your husband spending so much time with his friend that is actively having an affair?

 

[curlicarib]

I would let her know one time how I feel about what she's doing and never mention it again. If we survive that conversation, I'll maintain the friendship.

 

[IronButterfly]

She is my friend and I catch flack from my cousin who wonders how I maintain an honest friendship. She wonders how as a married woman I don't distance myself from a person, involved with a married man. I think it's crazy that she is involved but I don't think it is a reflection of me. I just would never want to be involved in a situation as that. We go for coffee every morning and she does her morning call, where they talk. I sit and wait for her to end her conversation and continue drinking my coffee. I think to myself, I wouldn't want my husband to have this type of connection with a woman, but I don't think I should not associate with her due to her choices.

What business is it of your cousin's who you decide to be friends with? Personally, I say follow your heart. If you are ok with things, sitting there drinking your coffee while she's saving all her love for someone on the phone...then who's to tell you to stop?
I had a friend who would use me as an excuse when she wanted to step out on her husband, telling him she was hanging with me. I didn't care. Her marriage. Her life. Sometimes it's fun to have friends who are more deviant than you! lol However, if her husband had ever asked me pointblank, I would not have lied to him. Just cuz your friend does, does not mean you ever have to. Besides you can learn lots about what NOT to do by watching your friend.

 

[syze6]

I have told her that I don't feel it's cool and that she wouldn't want it done to her. It's like beating a dead horse so, I have found that I would rather not even say anything about it. Now..I won't let her or any of my friends use me in a lie to deceive their mate. You got to be on your own on that one. I have been friends over 10 years with her and this has been going on for years with this man. Birds of a feather do not flock together, because I would never interfere in another's relationship. I pray I never have to be in a situation as that also. I just tell her she can do better, she tells me she is doing better and I leave it at that.

 

[IronButterfly]

I have told her that I don't feel it's cool and that she wouldn't want it done to her. It's like beating a dead horse so, I have found that I would rather not even say anything about it. Now..I won't let her or anyone of my friends use me in a lie to deceive their mate. You got to be on your own on that one. I have been friends over 10 years with her and this has been going on for years with this man. Birds of a feather do not flock together, because I would never interfere in another's relationship. I pray I never have to be in a situation as that also. I just tell her she can do better, she tells me she is doing better and I leave it at that.

You know what? Your response seems to be the BEST for you. Well done!

 

[kandake]

I was wondering for the sake of avoiding any arguments or perceived judgement, do you make an agreement to just avoid that topic all together? When she starts gushing about him, do you just sit in silence or change the subject?

I'm sorry. I was in the middle of something at work while trying to read your post. I didn't understand what you were asking at first.

Regarding your question, she would know that I didn't like the situation and that I didn't want to talk about him. So she would have to gush with someone else.

 

[Holla4mom]

That is a very tough situation to be in. You want to be supportive to your friend, but you can't really support her in a decision that you do not agree with personally AND that you think is ultimately bad for her. At the same time, even though you don't know the man's wife, there is a part of you that can relate to her and know you wouldn't want your husband in a situation like this with another woman.

If it was my friend, I would be honest that the situation makes me very uncomfortable and I would ask that she refrain from engaging in the affair around me (i.e. talking about or calling him with me there). I would leave it up to her if that means she doesn't want to be around you as much.

 

[TayMac]

I wouldn't want to hear about it and I would let her know that. She is obviously sensitive about it since she goes into defense mode when you make a comment.

It would be a slow fade from me more than likely.

 

[Godsdaughter001]

Hmm.... I would distance myself from her. I believe birds of feather flock together. I would still talk to her but we couldn't be bff like that.

Agreed! Um...I'm not an insecure woman, but I definitely wouldn't want her around my man. She has no boundaries

 

[movingforward13]

I don't care. It doesn't bother me. It's not me and my marriage nor my sins to confess. I listen and give warning, but other than that it's really out of my control. She won't lose me as a friend because of it.

I used to think like this- then it happened to me. Now, I can not associate with people who could do this to someone. An affair causes pain and the break up of a family. And trust and believe Karma comes back.

It is similar to being a theif. A woman whom has no qualms with being a mistress may start sleeping with your man soon enough. Clearly they lack the empathetic bone to see how their actions as the other woman is hurting someone else.

 

[LiftedUp]

I'd excuse myself from the friendship until she gets it together.

 

[topnotch1010]

I used to think like this- then it happened to me. Now, I can not associate with people who could do this to someone. An affair causes pain and the break up of a family. And trust and believe Karma comes back.

It is similar to being a theif. A woman whom has no qualms with being a mistress may start sleeping with your man soon enough. Clearly they lack the empathetic bone to see how their actions as the other woman is hurting someone else.

That's their karma, not mine. My friends don't hang around my husband anyway. I know what an affair is and does. I'm very grown and have been around long enough to know that. You choose what you choose and I choose differently. Live and let live!

 

[movingforward13]

That's their karma, not mine. My friends don't hang around my husband anyway. I know what an affair is and does. I'm very grown and have been around long enough to know that. You choose what you choose and I choose differently. Live and let live!

I should have wrote- even though I quoted you, my answer was a general response and any "you"s I used were not directed at you directly. So don't take my response personal.

 

[syze6]

Yeah...I love my friend but it's hard for me to watch her be with another woman's husband. She doesn't have any qualms about it and will tell you wife is not a factor for her. It has shown me how men, will use all kinds of energy to maintain another relationship. He spends so much time with her, you would think the man was single. Bills are paid and money is no issue. They talk everyday all through the day. It just goes to show that these men have no problem living a totally different life. It also shows me just how easy it is to do, when you have a willing participant...pure craziness! She tells me that this is what's going on in the world. I'm not blind or ignorant to these kinds of issues. I still would like to believe that there is a higher percentage of women who don't want to bother with a MM...than those that do.

 

[movingforward13]

Yes- I totally understand. I have been researching infidelity for the past 3 years due to my situation and the stories are astounding.
If the married men would devote even half of the time they do to the marriage that they do to the affair, they may see a new "wife" whom is willing to please and excite them.
That said it all boils down to the ego, poor boundaries and people whom are not empathetic. If the woman doesn't care for the wife, then she is willing to be a participant in destroying a home and a family. Too many of our children are growing up in broken homes....
People who stick up for cheaters should be looked at with a side eye. I don't know whom wants to be around liars, stealers, betrayers- cheaters are no different.

Yeah...I love my friend but it's hard for me to watch her be with another woman's husband. She doesn't have any qualms about it and will tell you wife is not a factor for her. It has shown me how men, will use all kinds of energy to maintain another relationship. He spends so much time with her, you would think the man was single. Bills are paid and money is no issue. They talk everyday all through the day. It just goes to show that these men have no problem living a totally different life. It also shows me just how easy it is to do, when you have a willing participant...pure craziness! She tells me that this is what's going on in the world. I'm not blind or ignorant to these kinds of issues. I still would like to believe that there is a higher percentage of women who don't want to bother with a MM...than those that do.

 

[ChasingBliss]

I used to think like this- then it happened to me. Now, I can not associate with people who could do this to someone. An affair causes pain and the break up of a family. And trust and believe Karma comes back.

It is similar to being a theif. A woman whom has no qualms with being a mistress may start sleeping with your man soon enough. Clearly they lack the empathetic bone to see how their actions as the other woman is hurting someone else.

This. My thing is if she could do it to another woman, she can do it to YOU. I knew someone who said to me that she could have a relationship with a married man as long as the man wasnt married to someone she knew. She said it's easier if you dont know the wife at all. I guess she thought that made her seem noble. But I dont believe this. I think this type of woman will give your husband the eye too if opportunity strikes.

 

[syze6]

Yes- I totally understand. I have been researching infidelity for the past 3 years due to my situation and the stories are astounding.
If the married men would devote even half of the time they do to the marriage that they do to the affair, they may see a new "wife" whom is willing to please and excite them.
That said it all boils down to the ego, poor boundaries and people whom are not empathetic. If the woman doesn't care for the wife, then she is willing to be a participant in destroying a home and a family. Too many of our children are growing up in broken homes....
People who stick up for cheaters should be looked at with a side eye. I don't know whom wants to be around liars, stealers, betrayers- cheaters are no different.

It is sad that they don't realize that they are apart of the issues in their relationships. Instead of working on it, it's so much easier for them to put their energy in to creating something new with someone else. Having the perspective from my friend, I can see how these women feel they play an important role to these men. The men treat them as if they are important. I see how some feel they get just as much or not more than the wife. Some of these men really act as if they have two wives sometimes. My friend says the only thing the wife has on her is that she has his last name and residence. Other than that she feels she gets treated the same.

 

[topnotch1010]

Yeah...I love my friend but it's hard for me to watch her be with another woman's husband. She doesn't have any qualms about it and will tell you wife is not a factor for her. It has shown me how men, will use all kinds of energy to maintain another relationship. He spends so much time with her, you would think the man was single. Bills are paid and money is no issue. They talk everyday all through the day. It just goes to show that these men have no problem living a totally different life. It also shows me just how easy it is to do, when you have a willing participant...pure craziness! She tells me that this is what's going on in the world. I'm not blind or ignorant to these kinds of issues. I still would like to believe that there is a higher percentage of women who don't want to bother with a MM...than those that do.

Did you ever think that maybe the wife knows about the affair and doesn't care enough do something about it? Infidelity isn't always the game changer we like to talk about on this board. If someone is spending that amount of time, energy, and money with someone else, the signs are there for the other person to see. Men don't normally hide infidelity very well.

I have a friend who was a willing participant in an affair. I listened and gave her advice that it wouldn't end well for her. He left the wife but ended up marrying someone else. It didn't affect me or my life one bit. I also compartmentalize all of my relationships and ration my time with them according to their level of success. Some friends are just for entertainment and nothing else. Some have more of an influence on me. If I went around dismissing people because of their flaws, I'd have no friends. Life isn't perfect. It's very messy. Nobody is perfect and most marriages will experience some form of infidelity, if they last long enough. Nowadays, they don't. :-/

 

[topnotch1010]

Honestly, the wife probably has a "friend" too! There's no way he's doing all that and she not know. Humans are very self-serving.

 

[ChasingBliss]

Honestly, the wife probably has a "friend" too! There's no way he's doing all that and she not know. Humans are very self-serving.

Yup, either that or stacking her chips. Women rarely NOT know when they are being cheated on.