Stressed Out.....Advice Please

[Mai Tai]

OP,

You are giving waaaaaaay too much power to your family on how you should run your household and have thus created a monster.

Those are YOUR kids, not grandmama and 'nem kids so woman up and put your foot down. Who cares if they talk crap about you??? Their opinion is THEIR problem...not yours. Stop folding under the pressure of scrutiny.

 

[felic1]

If everyone is not welcome, no one should be attending. Keep your children at home and stand up to your family. Your folks sound sort of mean. Barring people from family functions

 

[kaykari]

If ya'll were married, shame on them for asking you to choose between them and your husband. But until then...idk. I just dont believe in family rifts over boyfriends. You said ya'll are talking marriage, whats the hold up ?

 

[okange76]

My kids are 15 and 11. They get told, oh tell you're mom just to drop you off over here. Everyone is here, etc etc etc. Then they want to go. Then I'm being talked about because I didn't go or kept the kids with me. I think the key thing is for me to be an adult. Keep my unit as a family.

Last year they told my aunt her step children are grown and they couldn't come. So she stayed home.

Step or not your aunt considers them her children because she is married to their father. She's a package deal whether the kids are grown or not. Talk to your aunt and maybe you can have a Holiday dinner together and start your own traditions.

What happens if you marry this man and have a child together? Will your child not be invited because of the daddy? Will you send the others and keep his child home?

 

[yardyspice]

Can you tell us any of the stuff they don't like him for? Because opinions can change based on that.

Sometimes women, because they love the man and want to be with him, tend to down play a lot of bad stuff. But you have to remember, when you tell people bad stuff that he does, you may become okay with him and push his past behavior to the past. But the people you've told NEVER FORGETS. It's not really their fault either.

Thank you!

 

[Poohbear]

There was no abuse. Just arguments regarding insecurities on both of our ends, which we worked out. They heard he was a dog from his ex and other people.

mstaiti - How did his ex get in contact with your family? And I see you said other people told your family that he was a dog too...was it other women he was with? If so, how did they get in contact with your family too? Also, how long did all this he say/she say go on with his ex and other people to your family? This can all play into why they feel the way they do.

Now you can also do this which is what I have done (my father is very controlling and judgmental as well and does not like my boyfriend, but no kids are involved)... you and your kids go have Thanksgiving with your family without your boyfriend, then have Thanksgiving with your boyfriend and/or his family... Just don't overeat at either place.

 

[yardyspice]

I am sure your family will change their tune when he marries you.

 

[DarkJoy]

Stop being controlled and manipulated. Keep the kids with you.

 

[FemmeCreole]

Stay home with your man and keep your kids with you and have a holiday.

Tell your family you are back together.

There is nothing else you can do.

I posted it in the Off topic one.

Why not have the Holidays as a family in your home? I don't see the reason why you should be stressed. You are creating it somehow trying to accomodate everyone .You are family so you and your kids and your man should be home together enjoying it as a unit. Do not send your kids away spend it with them. People respect you more when you do not bend over backwards accomodating them. If you don't want one of us you will have none of us. The End. Good Luck OP.

@ the bolded: Girrrl, don't you dare leave your babies with people who feel this way . You are gonna have to grow up, woman up, man up, something. You need to be a role-model for your children. They can spend time with grandma another day. Sit down, decide how you want your holidays to be, and proceed.

Your family seems pushy. You need to put your foot down.

What they all said above.

I wish my fam would pull some crap like that. SMH.

 

[mstaiti]

If ya'll were married, shame on them for asking you to choose between them and your husband. But until then...idk. I just dont believe in family rifts over boyfriends. You said ya'll are talking marriage, whats the hold up ?

He was married before and so was I. We are in counseling.

 

[mstaiti]

@mstaiti - How did his ex get in contact with your family? And I see you said other people told your family that he was a dog too...was it other women he was with? If so, how did they get in contact with your family too? Also, how long did all this he say/she say go on with his ex and other people to your family? This can all play into why they feel the way they do.

Now you can also do this which is what I have done (my father is very controlling and judgmental as well and does not like my boyfriend, but no kids are involved)... you and your kids go have Thanksgiving with your family without your boyfriend, then have Thanksgiving with your boyfriend and/or his family... Just don't overeat at either place.

They used to work with them for years. When I told them I was seeing him they were like oh no, because I heard this about him and she was telling us this, etc.

 

[*CherryPie*]

OP, when you REALLY think about it, are you POSITIVE you aren't making excuses for this man? I mean, when you STEP BACK and look at him? I'm just curious because ALL of those people that KNEW him thinks he's no good? Exes, coworkers, and other people that knows him? That's a LOT of people from different areas of his life saying the SAME thing.

They used to work with them for years. When I told them I was seeing him they were like oh no, because I heard this about him and she was telling us this, etc.

 

[Naveah2050]

I am sorry OP but you are being selfish to deprive your children of the company of their mother on thanksgiving - you are also missing out on life memories with your family over a boyfriend. If you truly believe he has changed then time will tell and I am sure they will all come around but just because how forgive him for what he has done in the past does not mean they have to. If he is serious about you he will stick around and change their minds otherwise you should maybe just compromise and spend half the day with your own families and then come back together for the evening or something.

 

[zora]

My parents never really cared for my husband. If he was just a boyfriend or baby daddy, they would insist I share my holidays with them and would not hesitate to tell me what they really think of him.

But as my husband, they would never dare ask me to leave him behind on a holiday. They know that if they want to see me and the grandbaby on a holiday, that my husband is part of the packaged deal.

So try to understand it from their point of view.

As someone else mentioned, go to dinner with your family and then have dinner at home with your boyfriend.

 

[s_terry]

Iwont say that some families aren't dysfunctional, but it appears to me your family is trying to tell you something. If its come to this something ain't right. Good luck to whatever you decide and be careful.

 

[MissMariee]

My parents never really cared for my husband. If he was just a boyfriend or baby daddy, they would insist I share my holidays with them and would not hesitate to tell me what they really think of him.

But as my husband, they would never dare ask me to leave him behind on a holiday. They know that if they want to see me and the grandbaby on a holiday, that my husband is part of the packaged deal.

So try to understand it from their point of view.

As someone else mentioned, go to dinner with your family and then have dinner at home with your boyfriend.

What doesn't make sense to me about this, is you don't just go from strangers to married. Regardless of title, her family needs to respect her choice on being with him. They don't need to like it, but they're controlling her life in a way. Op you need to make a decision yourself. They invite all of you, or you stay home WITH your kids.

 

[A856]

They used to work with them for years. When I told them I was seeing him they were like oh no, because I heard this about him and she was telling us this, etc.

They.... meaning your boyfriend/husband and his ex worked with your family ?!? Who in your family exactly?
I'm still trying to piece that part together, somethings missing

 

[zora]

What doesn't make sense to me about this, is you don't just go from strangers to married. Regardless of title, her family needs to respect her choice on being with him. They don't need to like it, but they're controlling her life in a way. Op you need to make a decision yourself. They invite all of you, or you stay home WITH your kids.

It doesn't matter if he's a stranger or not while married. Marriage is a covenant to be respected.

 

[ThickHair]

So what did you do mstaiti ?

 

[LiftedUp]

Is he/was he a cheater or abuser?

There are somethings a parent or family cannot forgive/forget.

 

[mstaiti]

Hello everyone. We had some ups and downs, I would vent to them (family) and they passed judgment every since. It's my fault for that. No I'm not making excuses for him, he did have some issues, so did I. Never abusive nor did he cheat. Insecure yes. We broke up for a few months and just got back together. Only one person knows and that is the aunt that isn't like the rest of them. As far as his ex, she would say things about the relationship that wasn't all true and then act as if she never said anything and doesn't know where people were getting things from. So the family dislikes him based on the things she said the things I would vent about. Should have kept my mouth shut.

As far as what I decided to do on Thanksgiving..... I lost my dad in October. (mom and dad were not together, he married someone else). So my sisters (my dad's daughters), my brother in law, all of our kids, boyfriend and I got together and had dinner for thanksgiving. My mother was livid. She didn't even know boyfriend was with us. Just the mere fact that it wasn't with her and my father's family pissed her off (mind you I had it with her last year). My oldest son told her that my boyfriend was with us, she really went off. Told me I have a problem he's a bum, etc. etc. My family is messed up because of him, etc. etc.

The family seems to think he's using me, well he isn't. They must think I'm stupid, but I'm not. Basically. It's like RHOA, I'm Kandi and she's Mama Joyce.

 

[hopeful]

Sounds like everything worked out as far you being with your kids and your bf, along with other relatives. I'm sorry your mom is so upset but whatevs you were given an ultimatum and ended up making the best choice for you and yours. You do not have to explain yourself to your mom or anyone else. Think ahead now about Christmas. I have a feeling that your mom might be a little more flexible now, but if not then move forward with your life and do what's best for you and your children.

 

[Mai Tai]

I am sorry OP but you are being selfish to deprive your children of the company of their mother on thanksgiving - you are also missing out on life memories with your family over a boyfriend. If you truly believe he has changed then time will tell and I am sure they will all come around but just because how forgive him for what he has done in the past does not mean they have to. If he is serious about you he will stick around and change their minds otherwise you should maybe just compromise and spend half the day with your own families and then come back together for the evening or something.

OP IS the mother...Those are her kids...

 

[mstaiti]

Christmas is going to be the same. I'm sure of that. I have talked to my mother since Saturday, she called my kids on their cell phones though.

 

[hopeful]

Your mom needs to quit. So manipulative. Anyway, enjoy your holidays, okay? Don't let this stuff get you down.

 

[daydreem2876]

Most of the time, you have to let people say what they are going to say and be mad about the situation. But as long as you know you are doing the right thing for yourself and your situation, everybody else can kick rocks even if it is your mother.

However, understand where your mother is coming from. All she knows are bad things about your boo, and you have to find a way correct that. Just telling her is not going to do it and she needs time to change her feelings. Find a reason for her to give him a chance and tell him not to screw it up. You have shown her you can celebrate the holiday without her, but is that how you really want to continue to celebrate from now on? If you are going to be woman enough to stand up to her, also be woman enough to try and fix this situation with your mother.

 

[mstaiti]

Most of the time, you have to let people say what they are going to say and be mad about the situation. But as long as you know you are doing the right thing for yourself and your situation, everybody else can kick rocks even if it is your mother.

However, understand where your mother is coming from. All she knows are bad things about your boo, and you have to find a way correct that. Just telling her is not going to do it and she needs time to change her feelings. Find a reason for her to give him a chance and tell him not to screw it up. You have shown her you can celebrate the holiday without her, but is that how you really want to continue to celebrate from now on? If you are going to be woman enough to stand up to her, also be woman enough to try and fix this situation with your mother.

I agree. But the thing is they won't give him a chance. He's even tried calling her once. All she did was down him.