STRESSED... Advice Needed

[gabulldawg]

Hi, everyone. This is my first time posting on this message board. I've been feeling so stressed lately I just really wanted to vent. I just really hope this situation doesn't start affecting my hair!

I've been with my BF for 3 years now. Things were going great for the first 2.5 years. We have even talked about marriage, kids, etc. Anyway, now things are kind of going down hill! Lately he has begun spending less and less time with me. His excuses are family, friends, school, work, playing basketball. Needless to say he already gets off work late in my opinion (8:15pm). So now if we spend time during the week he won't get over to my place before 11pm, 12am, or later!! I have started worrying that he is cheating but he constantly reassures me that he isn't. I want to believe him so bad, but I'm really struggling. There has never been an issue with cheating before, so I'm really trying to hang in there. To make matters worse, he is going out of town for business tomorrow (which of course I'm having a hard time believing)!

Now I should mention that time has never been an issue before. He has always been able to basically do want he wanted in terms of spending time away from me AND find time to spend with me. Now lately it's just that things are getting worse. I think part of it may be that his hours for work have changed and he now gets of at 8:15, which kind of ruins the rest of the night. He has also started going back to school and has class one night a week.

Lately I've really started feeling kind of depressed! I feel like he doesn't care about how I feel and doesn't care that I am unhappy!! I really enjoy spending time with him and wish that he enjoyed spending time with me too. I guess I kind of would like to know what I should do? I've already expressed to him that I am unhappy. I've given him an ultimatum (sp?). I've made suggestions about how we can spend more time together. I just don't know what else to do! Any advice? Words of encouragement? Is there a way for me to maybe tell whether he is being unfaithful or not without just blatantly following him around everywhere he goes??? (<--- I haven't done that by the way)

Sorry it's so long!!!

 

[sunnydaze]

I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt before jumping to any conclusions. You stated that his work hours have changed and he has started school - that's alot right there and will affect the amount of time you have together.

Second, I would just give him space right now rather than worrying about him cheating. Let him work on finding time for you two to get together, since its his schedule that has changed. He knows your concerns, now let him figure out how to make more time for the two of you. In the meantime, just do you and let him know that you care and want to spend more time with him.

 

[gabulldawg]

I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt before jumping to any conclusions. You stated that his work hours have changed and he has started school - that's alot right there and will affect the amount of time you have together.

Second, I would just give him space right now rather than worrying about him cheating. Let him work on finding time for you two to get together, since its his schedule that has changed. He knows your concerns, now let him figure out how to make more time for the two of you. In the meantime, just do you and let him know that you care and want to spend more time with him.

Thanks a lot, sunnydaze. I think you really gave me a clearer perspective on this issue. I will definitely take in what you said.

 

[donna894]

Hopefully there's nothing to worry about, but a woman's intuition is a good one and I would not ignore it. While his new work hours and new class schedule may affect how much time he spends with you, how does he act toward you? Does he still seem interested or do you sense a cooling in his feelings for you? Has he always spent this much time with family, friends and playing basketball? And does he always leave you out of those activities? He seems to be a large part of your life, maybe too large. I hate to see your happiness riding on what he does or does not do. Since he's so busy doing other things, I'd find other activities and friends just like him. Cuz at the end of the day we can't make someone else do what we want them to do or be what we want them to be. And arguing and threatening eventually turns people off.

 

[Sashaa08]

The other ladies have given you great advice. One thing I will add....I had a friend whose long term boyfriend exhibited similar behavior-working longer hours, always out with friends or hanging out----come to find out, he had picked up a second job to buy her an engagement ring and save towards a deposit on a house.

Just trying to say, don't jump to conclusions too early. Keep your eyes and ears open and keep yourself busy.

 

[gabulldawg]

You guys both gave some great advice as well. Maybe I am freeing up too much time for him. I think it may be a good idea for me to possibly get another job or something myself. I also guess I don't know his intentions. And I do fuss a lot about the situation. Thanks a lot everyone. My first post on this board has been a great one. Very enlightening!

 

[caribeandiva]

ok first of all, stop giving him ultimatums. That's not gonna work. Second instead of focusing all your energy on him spending time with you, find other ways to keep busy. Call your friends and go out with them, go out alone: to the movies, parties, museum, the park, even restaurants. Show your boyfriend that you are just as busy as he is and he'll be the one asking you to spend more time together now.

 

[AmilLion]

I believe in giving him the benefit of the doubt, but it sounds like he's starting to lose interest. For one, are you an overwhelming type of girlfriend? The type that likes to spend ALL her time with her man? If so, he might feel like he's losing himself. A lot of women are guilty of this. They get with a man, and their lives become that man.

 

[MissJ]

I went through something similar with my ex. He went looking elsewhere and found another girlfriend. All of a sudden he was gone several hours out of the day. I'd keep my eyes open if I were you. In the meantime, you shouldn't be available to him even when he comes over at 11 or 12. Go out, make him wonder where you are and think about his own behavior.

 

[gabulldawg]

Thanks for more great advice. I am going to stop being available as much. I'm just the type of person to pretty much be at home all the time cuz I'm a home body. But that's all going to change starting Saturday.

 

[MissJ]

Cool. Where ya goin'?

 

[gabulldawg]

Cool. Where ya goin'?

Hehe, I'm actually going to a Mary Kay Pamper Party for some "Me Time." I'm actually excited. Should I mention to my BF that I going to start making time for myself and stuff or just keep that to myself?

 

[Bunny77]

Hehe, I'm actually going to a Mary Kay Pamper Party for some "Me Time." I'm actually excited. Should I mention to my BF that I going to start making time for myself and stuff or just keep that to myself?

Keep it to yourself!

Otherwise, he'll see it as a game you're playing and not take you seriously.

Have fun at the party!

 

[gabulldawg]

Keep it to yourself!

Otherwise, he'll see it as a game you're playing and not take you seriously.

Have fun at the party!

Thanks for the advice! That's a good point. I definitely will have fun on Saturday!

 

[Farida]

You know him better than all of us - so you can judge the sincerity of his fidelity claims.

So, if he is not cheating, it could be possible he isn't feeling the relationship like he used to. Or maybe work is taking its toll on him.

 

[MissJ]

Hehe, I'm actually going to a Mary Kay Pamper Party for some "Me Time." I'm actually excited. Should I mention to my BF that I going to start making time for myself and stuff or just keep that to myself?

Cool. Have a good time, and no, don't tell him about your plans. He probably thinks he knows everything about you by now, so this will add an air of mystery to yourself.

 

[gabulldawg]

Cool. Have a good time, and no, don't tell him about your plans. He probably thinks he knows everything about you by now, so this will add an air of mystery to yourself.

Hmm I really like that! Thanks for the tip. We actually had a loooong talk yesterday and I think everything has been resolved. Our main issue was that at the beginning stages of our relationship we lived in a place (small town) where neither one of us really had friends, so it was cool to just spend all of our time together. But since moving to GA our lives have grown. So I think now we are on the same page. I am actually going out tonight on a girls night out with some of my friends, which is something that I really haven't done in a while.

 

[donna894]

Hmm I really like that! Thanks for the tip. We actually had a loooong talk yesterday and I think everything has been resolved. Our main issue was that at the beginning stages of our relationship we lived in a place (small town) where neither one of us really had friends, so it was cool to just spend all of our time together. But since moving to GA our lives have grown. So I think now we are on the same page. I am actually going out tonight on a girls night out with some of my friends, which is something that I really haven't done in a while.

So glad you and he talked and now have a better understanding of what's going on. The difference between this post and your first post is like night and day.

Enjoy your night out!

 

[gabulldawg]

Yea, you're right. Thanks so much!!