Stop Earning Love & Start Building Financial Trust In Men

Layluh said:
You ask about them not being up to par financially but then hate when they lead with their financial success. Just let them buy you. I don’t understand the problem. That’s why they become successful, so they can prove themselves as men and provide for a family.

This is still a patriarchy and will be for some time. They still need to provide resources.

Just hang out with them until they start expecting stuff. Then ghost. Or flip it and get mad at them for trying to buy you. Like “do I look like a prostitute?”

And tell the works in progress to come back when they get it together. No hard feelings but it’s too risky for me to be involved with someone who doesn’t have it together. Or you want a family one day. Whatever. Men will understand, trust.
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Crackers Phinn said:
I'm not picking on you I'm just commenting on how I'm reading this.

On one hand you're tired of works in progress but on the other hand you don't like how dudes who are finished projects financially act. The legit work in progress is eventually going to be a finished project. You need to get right with the concept of what a finished project is supposed to do.

The whole point of a dude accumulating money is to live well. They are supposed to lead with material things to ease your mind that if you get on Team Them they got the resources to hold you down. If he gets to a point where he stops treating you the way you feel that you should cut him loose so you can move on to the next one.

Yes. You should like the dude. Yes you should make sure that you are on the same page regarding morals values and life plans. It is self destructive to force a relationship with somebody you can't stand.
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I guess it just seems so disingenuous. I also feel like acting all giddy and excited over oh wow a boat! OMG you've been to the Maldives is exhausting. I'm just turned off by the ostentatiousness of most of them.

I guess I'm a work in progress too :oops:.

I will say in speaking to the parental roots of this thread...

Thinking back, my mother stayed at home, and my stepdad worked, but I remember my mother being unhappy and bored. I'm not saying she didn't love (or grow to love) my stepdad, but I know she pretty much said she wanted me to have a father. I put a lot on personality and compatibility and I guess am willing to sacrifice some things for others. I don't want that type of relationship for myself. Maybe that's where that comes from. Also, most of the guys I meet all work in finance (why is this who I always attract?!). I think maybe there's something about these types...

Either way I will keep reading all the gems on lhcf.
 
qchelle said:
Another one agreeing with this. I'd say we were middle class, with money issues. And I was aware of them. Utilities would sometimes get turned off, etc. But I was never made to feel like it was my fault at all. And I never felt that way. I was always made to feel/it was told to me that it was my dad's fault, who I knew was the breadwinner. And I believed that and still do.

I was in private school, had private dance and piano lessons and I knew, from like age 10, how much these things cost (through overhearing/ seeing statements laying around). I got every material thing I'd ask for. I'd take the jcp, fao, American girl catalogs, circle everything I wanted and happily unabashedly present it to my parents for my birthday and Christmas and get everything I wanted and then some. It didn't matter to me that the cable was off for a few days last week (my knowledge of financial issues). I knew that it wasn't my fault and my parents loved spending unnecessary money on me (my knowledge of how much my school and activities were).

And I was/am always grateful of when men buy me things, but I'm not even grateful to the point of...liking something I don't want? Like if he buys me something and I don't like it, I have no problems saying something like thanks but don't buy this anymore cuz I don't like it. Same when I was little. First time I went to a dance summer intensive: i knew how much it was through my own research (very expensive) and i knew they had trouble paying for it. I never felt bad about having them pick me up half way through cuz I was ready to go home. My parents didn't buy me things I didn't want... And then expect me to like it. Like clothes and books for Christmas :look:

I was always made to feel like: even with our money issues, we are so thrilled to put you(me) first.
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And as far as how my parents treated each other, my mom didn't go to any great lengths for my dad, imo. She provided food (sometimes she even cooked), but she never cleaned anything. She didn't 'cater' to him. She did her own thing a lot-hung out with her friends, her mom, by herself. So I never got the impression that a woman had to be extra sweet to get married to a guy who was the breadwinner and treated her nicely. My dad was/is a nice, low key guy who made good money but was bad with money management (which I am trying to avoid of course).

My mom is now retired (dad still works) and she doesn't cook at all now :lol: That's something that her and her bff brag about--that they are so happy they don't have to cook anymore lol and of course she still never cleans anything. She now just travels with her retired friends.
 
afrofaithful said:
I guess it just seems so disingenuous. I also feel like acting all giddy and excited over oh wow a boat! OMG you've been to the Maldives is exhausting. I'm just turned off by the ostentatiousness of most of them.

I guess I'm a work in progress too :oops:.

I will say in speaking to the parental roots of this thread...

Thinking back, my mother stayed at home, and my stepdad worked, but I remember my mother being unhappy and bored. I'm not saying she didn't love (or grow to love) my stepdad, but I know she pretty much said she wanted me to have a father. I put a lot on personality and compatibility and I guess am willing to sacrifice some things for others. I don't want that type of relationship for myself. Maybe that's where that comes from. Also, most of the guys I meet all work in finance (why is this who I always attract?!). I think maybe there's something about these types...

Either way I will keep reading all the gems on lhcf.
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Stop pretending to be impressed if you're not impressed. :look: If you keep doing that, they'll think that's what you like/want and keep doing it.
 
afrofaithful said:
I guess it just seems so disingenuous. I also feel like acting all giddy and excited over oh wow a boat! OMG you've been to the Maldives is exhausting. I'm just turned off by the ostentatiousness of most of them.

I guess I'm a work in progress too :oops:.

I will say in speaking to the parental roots of this thread...

Thinking back, my mother stayed at home, and my stepdad worked, but I remember my mother being unhappy and bored. I'm not saying she didn't love (or grow to love) my stepdad, but I know she pretty much said she wanted me to have a father. I put a lot on personality and compatibility and I guess am willing to sacrifice some things for others. I don't want that type of relationship for myself. Maybe that's where that comes from. Also, most of the guys I meet all work in finance (why is this who I always attract?!). I think maybe there's something about these types...

Either way I will keep reading all the gems on lhcf.
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I don’t care for men who lead with their money either so I get it. I think you are just going to have to give it more time, meet more men. All men with money don’t lead with it and try to buy you. You know what you want. Don’t settle. Be beautiful, live your best life, and meet and date lots of men, and don’t be desperate or start thinking the kind of guy you want is some kind of rare gem. I don’t think what you are looking for is too extreme or impossible at all. You want a successful, genuine man who doesn’t lead with his possessions or money, and there is nothing wrong with that.
 
BEAUTYU2U said:
Stop pretending to be impressed if you're not impressed. :look: If you keep doing that, they'll think that's what you like/want and keep doing it.
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I agree. I wouldn’t pretend to be impressed if I wasn’t. You have to be authentic if you want to attract someone who is more authentic. I wouldn’t be rude, but an oh that’s nice or that’s a pretty car or whatever is fine. No need to ooh and aww and fawn over them because they have a nice car or have traveled to a few nice places.

ETA: I would also be mindful of being too harsh or judgmental. Just let people be. Give them a genuine chance and see where things go or KIM.
 
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When I was younger, I wanted things my family could not afford all the time and was told via long speeches when they couldn't afford it. I never felt like a burden though, even if they told me to chill out on asking for stuff or said no. I was just annoyed at them. There was never any doubt in my mind that my needs and reasonable wants were their responsibility. And to be honest, I judged my parents when they couldn't provide something anyone else I knew could just ask for. It probably sounds selfish. I am unabashedly selfish. Financial security has always been and will always be paramount to me.

I am generous to women and children and the actually destitute and even then usually women or children. Meanwhile, I have a male friend I don't think I've even texted first and a wannabe bae I have no qualms about asking for stuff from/accepting gifts from with only a thank you and a smile as reciprocity.

On the flip side I have a friend who was darn near raised like a princess who stays with a scrub. She can afford it though, so it's none of my business if she's happy. On our end, maybe it's just our nature because our nurturing yielded opposite results.
 
Let me say LHCF has made me a bolder person. Someone commented that I attract really wealthy men. There is this idea that men like these are a scarce good and men especially try to convince women not to want them. Sir,upgrade your life vs telling me that many women are trying to get this 'scarce' commodity.

All this to say,believe you deserve the best. Other people's idea of what is and isn't possible is none of your business. You deserve every good thing you want in this life.
 
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Shiks said:
Let me say LHCF has made me a bolder person. Someone commented that I attract really wealthy men. There is this idea that men like these are a scarce good and men especially try to convince women not to want them. Sir,upgrade your life vs telling me that many women are trying to get this 'scarce' commodity.

All this to say,believe you deserve the best. Other people's idea of what is and isn't possible is none of your business. You deserve every good thing you want in this life.
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Welp, now I got to put that last sentence in my prayer jar. Thanks!
 
I heard an old cardi b and Ebro interview today by accident while looking for something else. She mentioned what she learned from her strippers days from men coming in from all walks of life. Men no matter class, will always ask for what they want. Women we are always hesitant to ask for what we want or what we deserve. She was talking about men using her etc etc....

I thought this is a very true statement.

Personally when it comes to relationships I'm very old school and expect men to handle all financial items when courting. Once in a while I'll bring something I know he may like but not often.
Last guy I dated complained about society has changed so much that it's so confusing in terms of men's role and its like women want to take over men's roles.
My dad left when i was in high school but when he was around my mom worked 2 jobs & him not much. I knew that was a scenario I didn't want for my self. All now my dad can't get no respect from Me.
 
RoundEyedGirl504 said:
I think that the wife having to work probably isn't as important of a factor as how their dynamics are in the family. If the wife is staying home but it's made clear she's not as valuable a contributor as the husband you end up in the same place. Like that scene from the Joy Luck Club when the fool told his wife she owed $X for the ice cream even though they clearly made enough money that it wasn't an issue.

There was a thread on here years ago where people talked about how marital finances were handled and I took a lot of good cues from there on how money can impact dynamics and how that translates to the kids.
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RoundEye
Crackers Phinn said:
In the other thread the chick who offered the dude she was "talking to" food was being nice. The reward for being nice was dude acting brand new, the whole internet calling her a fool and dudes coming out of the woodwork to take advantage of her (remember $lim tryna get his freebies by saying his mama don't be hungry like that). That's what :censored: nice gets you.

When she uses the information that she learned from this experience, the peanut gallery go yell from the side lines "don't hold the next dude responsible for what the last one did". :rolleyes:
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I never understand this b.s....it's not holding the next one responsible, it's learning from past experiences. People kill me with that mess. My mantra is and has been for a long time "no good deed goes unpunished". I don't do things unless I want to. I am teaching my 15 y/o DD that "No is a complete sentence." If you say no because that's how you feel, don't rationalize it, don't justify it, just move on to the next topic. If she learns it early I think that will help her later in life. People will suck you dry if you let them.
 
My issues came up earlier this week when I needed a battery jump and I couldn't ask for help. I annoyed myself but it also reinforced why I don't ask men for help (rejection) and all those old feelings.

It's a huge contrast in my belief system cause my rational mind says men need to earn a place in my life, you can't just be around and not doing something for me, etc.

But then the hurt child says how can you expect that from X person when your own (father, brother, etc.) wouldn't do this for you? What will they want in return? Will I be beholden to them?
 
BEAUTYU2U said:
My issues came up earlier this week when I needed a battery jump and I couldn't ask for help. I annoyed myself but it also reinforced why I don't ask men for help (rejection) and all those old feelings.

It's a huge contrast in my belief system cause my rational mind says men need to earn a place in my life, you can't just be around and not doing something for me, etc.

But then the hurt child says how can you expect that from X person when your own (father, brother, etc.) wouldn't do this for you? What will they want in return? Will I be beholden to them?
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Hugs.

I don't know if this helps but when I have feelings of doubt,I remind myself that I am wonderful and those people missed out. Then I ask. A lot of it is self talk but remember you deserve every good thing you want. Say it as many times as you need to to believe it.
 
I read the entire thread. Ladies said what I was thinking, that you don't have to be raised in a lower class family to end up being hesitant to ask for things or feeling like you are a burden. I was raised in an upper middle class family. My dad was the breadwinner, my mom was a SAHM and materially speaking whatever I asked for, I got. Yet it was very hard for me to ask for help from anyone. Until recently, I never wanted to burden people with anything even as they burdened me. :ohwell: I felt (feel) like I'm not good enough or deserving of anything. Why? Because I have a narcissistic mother who despite her best intentions sees me as an extension of herself and put me, along with my father on a pedestal aka is jealous. She found ways to put me down and compare me to my middle sister which left me feeling like I couldn't be myself and be deserving just for that.

I've never dated men who expected me to pay for things, I thankfully don't draw those types. But I have dated men I knew couldn't give me what I was looking for, because she said what I was looking for didn't exist and I was asking for too much. Little did I know she was projecting her insecurities from her marriage to my father on to me. For the past few months I've been in a phase of being okay with who I am and it's slowly moving into politely asking for what I want, especially from men. :look: I stopped dating a man few months ago who I thought early on wasn't the one for me but I didn't have the courage to demand what I want. No more. Baby steps but I'm working on it.

Good thread!
 
I dont want to set my kids up for failure here but maybe its too late. No they dont get everythg they ask for. Yes they hear about when we cant afford somethg. I am startg to see what yall are sayg ... And i am nervous. The girls xmas list are easy. They dont ask for a lot even though i tell them to ask for what they want. My sons list however has exactly what he wants - $1400 bike for example, and he is 8

I need to understand how to fix this. I dont want my girls out here buying love.
 
biznesswmn said:
I dont want to set my kids up for failure here but maybe its too late. No they dont get everythg they ask for. Yes they hear about when we cant afford somethg. I am startg to see what yall are sayg ... And i am nervous. The girls xmas list are easy. They dont ask for a lot even though i tell them to ask for what they want. My sons list however has exactly what he wants - $1400 bike for example, and he is 8

I need to understand how to fix this. I dont want my girls out here buying love.
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Good question! My son and daughter are the same way. My daughter settles and she is practical, and my son is entitled and wants what he wants. I present the same thing to them, but they take different approaches. My son is impulsive and doesn’t put much thought to things. He is just reactive. My daughter is the thinking one,
 
BEAUTYU2U said:
My issues came up earlier this week when I needed a battery jump and I couldn't ask for help. I annoyed myself but it also reinforced why I don't ask men for help (rejection) and all those old feelings.

It's a huge contrast in my belief system cause my rational mind says men need to earn a place in my life, you can't just be around and not doing something for me, etc.

But then the hurt child says how can you expect that from X person when your own (father, brother, etc.) wouldn't do this for you? What will they want in return? Will I be beholden to them?
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This is me... so what are we gonna do about it? The little girls in us need some love and attention!
 
BEAUTYU2U said:
I'm currently in therapy - she focuses heavily on rewriting the narrative in my head, how I speak to myself, and what triggers me to go down the rabbithole of self deprecation.
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That’s awesome! I don’t gel with therapists, but self help videos, books, workshops, etc are very helpful for me. And I learned how to become aware of how my body and emotions react to things. Self deprecation was so automatic for me and I was totally unconscious of it emotionally.
I know I also need to work on not being hard on myself when I do reach out, or ask for help and it doesn’t turn out in my favor. I wil usually just isolate myself from that person and situation and hold resesentment towards them.

I have a situation right now where somebody offered to do something, and then they just flaked out on me. Like what they said and offered never happened. I really got my hopes up about their offer and started making plans. And retelling that story gave me tightness in my chest just now! Lol gotta forgive and let go! What is mine shall be mine!
 
Evolving78 said:
That’s awesome! I don’t gel with therapists, but self help videos, books, workshops, etc are very helpful for me. And I learned how to become aware of how my body and emotions react to things. Self deprecation was so automatic for me and I was totally unconscious of it emotionally.
I know I also need to work on not being hard on myself when I do reach out, or ask for help and it doesn’t turn out in my favor. I wil usually just isolate myself from that person and situation and hold resesentment towards them.

I have a situation right now where somebody offered to do something, and then they just flaked out on me. Like what they said and offered never happened. I really got my hopes up about their offer and started making plans. And retelling that story gave me tightness in my chest just now! Lol gotta forgive and let go! What is mine shall be mine!
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Yep! I had a lot of people tell me they're here for whatever I need after my mom passed. But when I actually reached out for that help.... nothing. I resented it because I'm used to being self sufficient but with a blow like that, I told myself that I needed to learn to let my guard down, but I was still disappointed.
 
BEAUTYU2U said:
Yep! I had a lot of people tell me they're here for whatever I need after my mom passed. But when I actually reached out for that help.... nothing. I resented it because I'm used to being self sufficient but with a blow like that, I told myself that I needed to learn to let my guard down, but I was still disappointed.
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What I am learning is that people live in the moment and a lot of people are unaware of the things they say and do at the moment. They didn’t give it much thought, it just sounded good at the time. So I will have to work on letting of people in love and light. For they do not know what they do Lord.. lol I also learned that I have to be authentic in my speech and actions as well. I agree to do a lot of things I don’t like to do for fear of losing something or someone.
 
Gold digger game can help out a lot here. You can start with SheraSeven1 and Michaela Pink on YouTube. You don’t have to BE a gold digger, but applying some of their game in your life will definitely help you root out user men and keep them at bay.
 
Evolving78 said:
What I am learning is that people live in the moment and a lot of people are unaware of the things they say and do at the moment.
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:yep: They are.

Since you don't like therapists, I also recommend YouTube (surprisingly). Let me find the video that helped me regarding childhood trauma being brought into adulthood.

 
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