Standards In Men

[LovingLady]

As I get older the amount of men that meet my original standards has dropped dramatically. I have subsequently relaxed my views in multiple areas in order to widen my dating pool. What are some of the categories that you ladies have changed your views on in order to increase the number of men you date.

Does your standards depend on the guy? For example, you don't like tattoos on a man then you meet someone with tattoos and you ignore it because you really like him.

For the ladies that are married are there any standards that you wish you didn't compromise on? Which standards do you think is a nonissue that single women focus on?

Here are some examples:
Height
Body Type/Weight
Race
Age
Child(ren)
Previously Married
Tattoos
Piercing
Education Level/Profession
Income Level
Long Distance Relationship

 

[londontresses]

I've always been quite open and don't have a "type" as such but my standards around morals and values have been fairly consistent.

When I think about it my standards more generally have gotten higher as I've gained more experience, for example after dating a man that had no car or driving license it became one of my requirements. After dating a guy who calls consistently from the other side of the world I wouldn't tolerate inconsistency in communication from anyone else.

I have a number of preferences that arent deal breakers but they were never that serious.

 

[LiftedUp]

I think it is personal. It boils down to what an individual can live with the rest of their lives. I didn't relax my standards because it really wouldn't have worked for me. I was more interested in ending up with the guy and would've been ok if he didn't exist.

I can't really say what I would've relaxed on since as I said, I didn't. However, I wasn't concerned about cosmetic things like beards, tattoos, piercings, hair colour etc. I was more steadfast with regards to religion (Roman Catholic or Anglican), education (STEM), profession (related to education), current and future income (must be the breadwinner), family values (head of the household), personality (kind, sweet, doting, assertive etc.) etc. I was all about what I consider to be husband material.

If I had to advise, I would say only compromise on what you can live with probably for the rest of your life.

 

[movingforward]

My standards are very much similar to LiftedUp and those are the things I look for in a guy.

But the areas I relaxed on was divorce men and men with children. I was PASSIONATE about avoiding those type of men. I would dismiss a guy immediately, because I really didn't want those things. But I'm willing now to deal with a guy who has children, under certain circumstances that makes me feel comfortable. A previous divorce man with NO children, is perfection and preferred.

The older you are and the more life experience you have; you tend to realize what's really valuable to you. Such as dating the hot guy over the nerd.

I know someone who had this laundry list for the type of guy she wanted to married. She married him; but she was blind about all the negatives regarding her (ex)husband. Marriage only lasted two years. Fast forward about 3 years later, her NEW guy; that EVERYONE LOVES AND APPROVES of; treats her like a queen and loves her to bits. Her fiancee is nothing like the type of guy she's attracted too....he's the opposite but he loves her (and she him). So, sometimes you have to think about what's truly important. Especially, when it comes to marriage or long term relationship.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

You have to separate what's negotiable from what's not negotiable. My list has changed with age and meeting different people. For instance, I'm negotiable on race, (mostly) whether a man has been married before, and height. I'm not negotiable on weight and intellectualism (or at least appreciating mine).

This topic reminds me of a friend from grad school who refused to date a man shorter than 6'0. She was quite stubborn about it too. But a few months ago married a man who is not that much taller than she is, and she's only 5'1.

 

[LovingLady]

If I had to advise, I would say only compromise on what you can live with probably for the rest of your life.

So you are saying that I should hold out the for 6'0" 31 year old surgeon that is built like an NBA player who races Lamborghini in his free time. I am joking. I know what type of personality I want it is the situational/cosmetic things that I am trying to sort out. One guy told me to give men with children a chance and that my standards were too high because I didn't. Lets just say my standards are still too high.

My standards are very much similar to LiftedUp and those are the things I look for in a guy.

But the areas I relaxed on was divorce men and men with children. I was PASSIONATE about avoiding those type of men. I would dismiss a guy immediately, because I really didn't want those things. But I'm willing now to deal with a guy who has children, under certain circumstances that makes me feel comfortable. A previous divorce man with NO children, is perfection and preferred.

The older you are and the more life experience you have; you tend to realize what's really valuable to you. Such as dating the hot guy over the nerd.

I know someone who had this laundry list for the type of guy she wanted to married. She married him; but she was blind about all the negatives regarding her (ex)husband. Marriage only lasted two years. Fast forward about 3 years later, her NEW guy; that EVERYONE LOVES AND APPROVES of; treats her like a queen and loves her to bits. Her fiancee is nothing like the type of guy she's attracted too....he's the opposite but he loves her (and she him). So, sometimes you have to think about what's truly important. Especially, when it comes to marriage or long term relationship.

I was the same way. I just recently decided to give previously married men without children a chance. I am still a little hesitant on it but I am open to it.

 

[LiftedUp]

So you are saying that I should hold out the for 6'0" 31 year old surgeon that is built like an NBA player who races Lamborghini in his free time. I am joking. I know what type of personality I want it is the situational/cosmetic things that I am trying to sort out. One guy told me to give men with children a chance and that my standards were too high because I didn't. Lets just say my standards are still too high.

Girl, I held out for a man +-1 year age difference, Engineer, Roman Catholic, makes good money and have a realistic and achievable career trajectory, provider, showers me with gifts, taller, good family background etc. I also wanted a quiet, nerdy but sociable guy because really, I don't want to be sitting at home wondering if you're on the streets lol. I'm in my late 20s and got that like last year. Oh and he created an engagement/wedding timeline all on his own and his family is totally on board... a little too on board lol. Also, he found me. I didn't look for him anywhere or positioned myself to find him.

Through strategic positioning, before I met my bf, I went on a couple of dates and after the first date or two I knew it wouldn't make it to date three and I was ok with that. Those guys were excellent on paper but little things rubbed me the wrong way. Also, I was ok with being single and decided that if I'm going to be single, I will be fabulous doing so. I knew of a couple of grown single persons who travel extensively and live well and I didn't mind being one of those women.

Not being previously married and having no children were not even on my list because it's not even something I would consider or think twice about.

Now I will admit that I compromised on height. I was really aiming for 6'0" and above but I'll compromise with 5' 10". I mean, at least I can wear 3-4 inch heels lol.

I guess it boils down to what you are able to live with. If though initially you didn't want a man with children but it is something you can live with it for the rest of your life, then go for it. Only you know what makes you happy

 

[LovingLady]

Through strategic positioning, before I met my bf, I went on a couple of dates and after the first date or two I knew it wouldn't make it to date three and I was ok with that. Those guys were excellent on paper but little things rubbed me the wrong way. Also, I was ok with being single and decided that if I'm going to be single, I will be fabulous doing so. I knew of a couple of grown single persons who travel extensively and live well and I didn't mind being one of those women.

Not being previously married and having no children were not even on my list because it's not even something I would consider or think twice about.

Now I will admit that I compromised on height. I was really aiming for 6'0" and above but I'll compromise with 5' 10". I mean, at least I can wear 3-4 inch heels lol.

Thank you for the advice and I love the story. I like the confidence level you have with the first bold.

2nd Bold: I did the same thing.

 

[caribeandiva]

Like @LiftedUp said, I decided that I was going to be a fabulous single woman and I was! I took myself out on dates, explored my interests, traveled alone several times a year, and hung out with my friends and family. I was having so much fun that I dragged out my one year dating sabbatical into 4!!

Anyway, OP I'm not married yet but with my current guy I compromised on height (we're the same height but I wanted taller than me) and age (he's younger but I'm used to older than me). So far so good...

 

[sunnieb]

@barbiesocialite says my marriage opinions don't count since I married as a "baby". Ha!

BUT, all of the married women I've know in my adult life who married a man with kid(s) said they'd NEVER do it again. I mean every. single. one. of. them. They all didn't have children themselves, but compromised to marry their men with kids. Only 2 out of maybe 12 are divorced though.

 

[caribeandiva]

@barbiesocialite says my marriage opinions don't count since I married as a "baby". Ha!

BUT, all of the married women I've know in my adult life who married a man with kid(s) said they'd NEVER do it again. I mean every. single. one. of. them. They all didn't have children themselves, but compromised to marry their men with kids. Only 2 out of maybe 12 are divorced though.

Yikes! It's important to me that he's never been married nor has kids.

 

[sunnieb]

Yikes! It's important to me that he's never been married nor has kids.

Stick to this if this is non-negotiable. It was a bit shocking that all of the women said this. One of them has a daughter and said she'd tell her to absolutely not get with a dude who has a kid. They didn't tell me the specifics of the problems - I ain't in folk business like that. But, it's not the child's mother that's the problem in most cases. It was just the total dynamics of dealing with the kid, money, his family, etc. So much going on.

 

[Kindheart]

Yikes! It's important to me that he's never been married nor has kids.

Why never married though ? Wouldn't that be a sign he s able to fully commit to someone (in theory) ? I d be more wary of the ones that jump from one relationship to another

 

[preciouslove0x]

Why never married though ? Wouldn't that be a sign he s able to fully commit to someone (in theory) ? I d be more wary of the ones that jump from one relationship to another

Can't answer for her. But for me it's the idea of going through such important and intimate experiences for the first time together.

I think of it like this: Every birth of a child is special and amazing but it's nothing like being pregnant and giving birth for the very first time (at least that's what my mama tells me). Not being able to compare those experiences to anything you've ever had before. Nothing comes close. Your first born always has a special place in your heart for that reason.

And having that type of experience is something I can't compromise on.

Now if we're both getting married for the second or third time then of course no issue there. I'm sure my second wedding would be fiyah!!

 

[LovingLady]

Thank for the input ladies.

 

[sgold04]

I'd say my standards have increased since I've gotten older, because I really didn't have any standards lol. Mainly due to family background and the community I grew up in. It wasn't until I went to college (one of the few graduating seniors in my high school to do so) that I was exposed to black men who grew up in two-parent households, had high career aspirations, and valued black women.

I feel like I'm becoming a little more superficial as far as looks are concerned, but personality and intellectual curiosity are paramount (along with character of course). I can't spend my life with a bump-on-a-log. The guy in seeing now hits everything on my list, he's pretty amazing, and he's 6'3"!! (I'm 5'11"). We are both ready for marriage so we're taking things slow to make sure it's right, and real, because neither one of us believes in divorce--not for religious reasons, but because we both come from broken families.

 

[caribeandiva]

Can't answer for her. But for me it's the idea of going through such important and intimate experiences for the first time together.

I think of it like this: Every birth of a child is special and amazing but it's nothing like being pregnant and giving birth for the very first time (at least that's what my mama tells me). Not being able to compare those experiences to anything you've ever had before. Nothing comes close. Your first born always has a special place in your heart for that reason.

And having that type of experience is something I can't compromise on.

Now if we're both getting married for the second or third time then of course no issue there. I'm sure my second wedding would be fiyah!!

Yep. That's why. I wanna experience all those "firsts" with someone who hasn't done them yet.