Spoiled Ladies - Getting What You Want From Men

[Divine Inspiration]

I agree with Divine. I know I want someone who is in tune with me and picks up on the things I like and what would make me happy. I want him to take the initiative and be thoughtful.
For example I hung out last night with someone I am dating for a while now. I really wasnt feeling well last night and when he left, he left me balled up on the couch. That negro did not even pick up the phone today to see how I am feeling. When I reached out to him to curse him out he said he was waiting for me to call him. What kind of bull??? He just sunk his ship with that one. It was thoughtless and I don't want to have to call him or any dude to tell him how I am feeling.

Also about the door opening bit, I have a friend that no matter who we are walking with if its her now husband or a friend, if we come to door she stands there until he opens the door for her. Its funny, but any guy who didn't know before, now knows.

Exactly. What do you look like calling asking him to ask you how you feel? And if you wanted to be pampered because you weren't feeling well, then should you beg for that too? A man who is attentive and thoughtful will do little things for you here and there without you asking. What woman doesn't appreciate a man checking on her to see how she's feeling?

And you can bet that if he was waiting on YOU to call HIM to tell him how you were feeling, he'll be waiting on you to do other things as well.

 

[hopeful]

Whimsy just said it all. You'll be able to tell on the first date-or before. I make good money and i'm independent, but i have expensive tastes, and like to determine before hand. I dated a guy once who gave me $100 for lunch (before our 1st date) because i kept "putting him off" about taking me out. I just broke up with my BF of one year 3 weeks ago, and tonight i have a second date with a guy who on our first date filled up my car and saw the "check engine" light was on and offered to have it looked at. All this before we headed to dinner...

Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout!

 

[sky_blu]

I have no problem being spoiled my problem is accepting it. I've always been independent and buying everything on my own I can't stand the thought of accepting gifts from somebody other than family. I wish I could get over that problem and let a man be a man sometimes but Im working on it.

 

[Whimsy]

TO each his own, but to the ladies who want a mind reader, I think you'll be waiting a lot longer for what you want. There are no need for games, just ask and ye shall receive. I think people want to make it more complex or want this idea of a romantic man who knows her whims etc etc... but for me, when I gave up the idealism and just asked for what I wanted, I got it.

 

[envybeauty]

I agree with Divine. I know I want someone who is in tune with me and picks up on the things I like and what would make me happy. I want him to take the initiative and be thoughtful.
For example I hung out last night with someone I am dating for a while now. I really wasnt feeling well last night and when he left, he left me balled up on the couch. That negro did not even pick up the phone today to see how I am feeling. When I reached out to him to curse him out he said he was waiting for me to call him. What kind of bull??? He just sunk his ship with that one. It was thoughtless and I don't want to have to call him or any dude to tell him how I am feeling.

Also about the door opening bit, I have a friend that no matter who we are walking with if its her now husband or a friend, if we come to door she stands there until he opens the door for her. Its funny, but any guy who didn't know before, now knows.

I have done that very thing. We walk towards his car. He gets in. I stand there and look at him nicely while standing off to the side in front of the car. I look at him. I look at the passenger door. I look at him. I smile. He gets out of the car. Walks around and opens my car door.

I am not for the man opening the door from the inside and push it open, nor the get it yourself. My father always opened my car door for me as a kid and every man since will do the same (as the man in my life). No exceptions!

 

[Divine Inspiration]

TO each his own, but to the ladies who want a mind reader, I think you'll be waiting a lot longer for what you want. There are no need for games, just ask and ye shall receive. I think people want to make it more complex or want this idea of a romantic man who knows her whims etc etc... but for me, when I gave up the idealism and just asked for what I wanted, I got it.

I don't think it's about a mind reader or idealism...my thinking is that it's more about being on the same page. I can't speak for the other ladies, but I definitely don't want or need a mind reader...I am able to very clearly articulate and politely make requests but my point is the bigger issues of the TYPE of man you're dealing with. The same way you can't turn a hoe (are we allowed to say that?) into a housewife is the same way you can't turn a thug into a gentleman.

And I don't think expecting courtesy and respect is playing games either. If I'm going to honor and respect his role as a man, then he should honor and respect my role as a woman. When I say that, I'm not speaking of breadwinning and cooking, respectively, I'm talking about ORDER and him earning trust and respect.

Part of being in a meaningful, intimate relationship is being able to anticipate one another's needs and wants...NOT read minds. In the beginning, I prefer to watch and listen versus ask and show. After we have gotten to know one another well, then there is a sturdy foundation and a safer emotional environment to make requests.

FTR, I get what you're saying and I'm not disputing that. I'm just making a point about the differences in TYPES of men...because regardless of whether a chick asks repeatedly or never breathes a word, the man is going to be WHO he is at his core.

 

[Syrah]

TO each his own, but to the ladies who want a mind reader, I think you'll be waiting a lot longer for what you want. There are no need for games, just ask and ye shall receive. I think people want to make it more complex or want this idea of a romantic man who knows her whims etc etc... but for me, when I gave up the idealism and just asked for what I wanted, I got it.

I'm with you. That whole "we're on the same wavelength" "we finish each other's sentences" "he just knows what to do all the time every time" is great....in the movies (where there are scripts and actor's cues). For the most part, they've got to "learn" just like we do.

Men who do the basics - open car doors, walk on the curb side of the street, open doors, wait until your seated before sitting down - has NOTHING to do with you, the female, and everything to do with him and who he is. A giving man is nature (innate). An attentive man is nature (and has nothing to do with you). A man knowing how to give in a way that makes you, the individual, feel unique and special is nurture (learned). THERE IS A DIFFERENCE.

When Mr. man hands you some money and says "go get yourself something nice from Planet Blue" is it because he's hip to women's boutiques like that or is it because he overheard it come out of your mouth? Men aren't mind readers and they shouldn't be expected to be - they pick up on what they hear and see.

Personally, more than anything you can say, I think men pay the most attention to what you do for yourself. And in that natural quest to be the "knight in shining armor" they will continue on whatever precedent you set for yourself. If men see you getting your hair done or making an effort to get your nails done, they'll chip in on the effort. If they see you being excited about a new ____ you just bought, they'll chip in on the effort. It's pretty simple IMO - men go out of their way for chicks they want to be with. If he's not going out of his way, you may not be that chick - and that has NOTHING to do with you, because...

He's just not that into you.

 

[Syrah]

I have done that very thing. We walk towards his car. He gets in. I stand there and look at him nicely while standing off to the side in front of the car. I look at him. I look at the passenger door. I look at him. I smile. He gets out of the car. Walks around and opens my car door.

I am not for the man opening the door from the inside and push it open, nor the get it yourself. My father always opened my car door for me as a kid and every man since will do the same (as the man in my life). No exceptions!

A man that has to be trained to open up the car door?!

 

[envybeauty]

A man that has to be trained to open up the car door?!

My thoughts exactly. Ridiculous.

 

[kayte]

Whimsy just said it all. You'll be able to tell on the first date-or before.

Yup ..that's when it's money talks and the you-know-what...walks...

I am HIGH MAINTENANCE and they know it.....
a guy would say jokingly I want to be careful of spoiling you too much and I will say..laughing but we both know I mean it
Dude...YOU'D BETTER GET USED TO SPOILING ME

but really almost every guy..shows up with a gift or flowers or some way
of pampering me ....without prompting!
I am always genuinely delighted and it just rocks their world and they lavish more compliments on me..I was on a date a week or so ago first date and he wanted to buy me jewelry not even 30 minutes in to the date..the pieces were like....50..100..not super expensive but not
super cheap either

I definitely wanted to set a precedent and reward his shopping-for-Kayte-on-a-whim-instinct...by picking out something but I did not choose expensive because the statement was
all about enjoying each other and the picking out and buying a gift...not the price tag
and I knew dinner was easily going to be a couple of hundred...which it was ...
but the next time.......we shop.....


by the grace of God it's communicated or I exude that I am special and they being smart, understand they are lucky they are to be in my company

they adddress me...yes,My queen or goddess
dang straight


I draw the line at stuff like rent or any kind of home upkeep
..I dunno ..that doesn't feel right to me..to ask...

..but gifts ..classy dinners... expensive outings ...over-indulging..shopping
bring 'er on

 

[Divine Inspiration]

but really almost every guy..shows up with a gift or flowers or some way
of pampering me ....without prompting!
I am always genuinely delighted and it just rocks their world and they lavish more compliments on me..I was on a date a week or so ago first date and he wanted to buy me jewelry not even 30 minutes in to the date..the pieces were like....50..100..not super expensive but not
super cheap either

The bold is my point. Showing genuine appreciation and excitement is GREAT...I very much believe that my pleasure with receiving gifts will give a man reason to continue...but like you said, it's UNPROMPTED...which means when a man goes out with you, he already knows what time it is. You choose well and receive much.

If he showed up empty-handed and you had to scold, admonish, or pressure him, I'm sure the effect would be different.

 

[Theo]

TO each his own, but to the ladies who want a mind reader, I think you'll be waiting a lot longer for what you want. There are no need for games, just ask and ye shall receive. I think people want to make it more complex or want this idea of a romantic man who knows her whims etc etc... but for me, when I gave up the idealism and just asked for what I wanted, I got it.

I do agree with this. I'm an "asker", generally not for material things though. I'm not really into that as much. But I always have guys doing little things for me. I ask to get carried places, for my trash to get taken out, for my groceries to be brought in, for my car to get washed, all kinds of stuff. And I am not in a relationship. I think guys like doing that stuff for girls, but some may not be naturally inclined to do so.

As far as relationships are concerned, I think one should remember that different people have different ways of showing they care, and that relationships are give and take. My last bf was very, very generous, and very giving. He was more into gift-giving than anything else, and pretty much did that on his own. I never had to ask for anything in that respect, however, that was his main love language. I think there are some ways of showing affection that just come naturally to some (and that could be through giving gifts, being touchy-feely, words of affection), and some things that need to be taught depending on the person. I know I personally could have done without the gifts, even though they were nice, I really would have just like for him to be more verbally affectionate and I had to tell him that.

However, I am also a very generous person, and I gave as good as I got. It wasn't always through material things, but we did for one another. It was not one-sided at all. Balance is important.

 

[amara11]

As far as relationships are concerned, I think one should remember that different people have different ways of showing they care, and that relationships are give and take. My last bf was very, very generous, and very giving. He was more into gift-giving than anything else, and pretty much did that on his own. I never had to ask for anything in that respect, however, that was his main love language. I think there are some ways of showing affection that just come naturally to some (and that could be through giving gifts, being touchy-feely, words of affection), and some things that need to be taught depending on the person. I know I personally could have done without the gifts, even though they were nice, I really would have just like for him to be more verbally affectionate and I had to tell him that.

The bolded is especially true- and it's why I highly recommend reading the book "The Five Love Languages" (which it sounds like you have read!).

For those who haven't, it's written on the premise that we all as humans have different ways that we love others, and different ways that we prefer to be loved. Some people show love though gifts, some don't.

I think we set ourselves up for disappointment (and missed opportunities) when we assume that how much a man loves you or appreciates you is necessarily tied to whether he is willing to buy stuff for you (or whether he does it with prompting or not). Think about the up-n-coming brothas who aren't in a place where they can afford to do the material things or those who were taught to love with respect, words, and actions. The latter especially may never really consider buying trinkets (big or small) but may be the type to write poetry, leave notes, make candle light dinners. The guy who's buying stuff (sometimes out of an inflated- "Me tarzan you Jane" ego) may look at this as a business deal only. His partner needs to be fly, rock the flyest things regardless of who she is. For him, the package makes the person, and the person is dispensable.

These are two extremes but they're used for illustration. To the OP- I definitely understand your question and I think a few posters (LaCriolla comes to mind) really got to the heart of what you're asking. My dad happens to be the type to show love via purchases (truly for lack of a better term). And by purchases I mean- he makes sure we always had what we needed (and the best/finest of that). I can't remember ever going without anything I needed, and rarely did we not (my 2 sisters and my mom) get what we wanted. However- for the wants, my mom sometimes had to do what women do- use a little sugar, drop some subtle hints, present it as a need, you know . I'm confused about how that seems so strange to some women on here- women have been doing this for ages! My dad isn't the spontaneous, I just randomly bought this gift because of whatever type. But that doesn't mean for a second that he doesn't love us dearly nor is it a representation of his value of us or his relationship with my mom. It's just not the way he naturally displays it. And that's cool- he's a man of great character and integrity that I looked up to tremendously so we (my sisters, my mom and I) are all cool with dropping little clues every now and again! My 5 year old brother on the other hand is another story . His love language is gifts period. You love him? You buy him that Kung Fu Panda DVD no subtleties about it!

 

[amara11]

I'm with you. That whole "we're on the same wavelength" "we finish each other's sentences" "he just knows what to do all the time every time" is great....in the movies (where there are scripts and actor's cues). For the most part, they've got to "learn" just like we do.

Men who do the basics - open car doors, walk on the curb side of the street, open doors, wait until your seated before sitting down - has NOTHING to do with you, the female, and everything to do with him and who he is. A giving man is nature (innate). An attentive man is nature (and has nothing to do with you). A man knowing how to give in a way that makes you, the individual, feel unique and special is nurture (learned). THERE IS A DIFFERENCE.

When Mr. man hands you some money and says "go get yourself something nice from Planet Blue" is it because he's hip to women's boutiques like that or is it because he overheard it come out of your mouth? Men aren't mind readers and they shouldn't be expected to be - they pick up on what they hear and see.

Personally, more than anything you can say, I think men pay the most attention to what you do for yourself. And in that natural quest to be the "knight in shining armor" they will continue on whatever precedent you set for yourself. If men see you getting your hair done or making an effort to get your nails done, they'll chip in on the effort. If they see you being excited about a new ____ you just bought, they'll chip in on the effort. It's pretty simple IMO - men go out of their way for chicks they want to be with. If he's not going out of his way, you may not be that chick - and that has NOTHING to do with you, because...

He's just not that into you.

ITA, the bolded is especially true. LoL.

 

[hopeful]

I'm with you. That whole "we're on the same wavelength" "we finish each other's sentences" "he just knows what to do all the time every time" is great....in the movies (where there are scripts and actor's cues). For the most part, they've got to "learn" just like we do.

Men who do the basics - open car doors, walk on the curb side of the street, open doors, wait until your seated before sitting down - has NOTHING to do with you, the female, and everything to do with him and who he is. A giving man is nature (innate). An attentive man is nature (and has nothing to do with you). A man knowing how to give in a way that makes you, the individual, feel unique and special is nurture (learned). THERE IS A DIFFERENCE.

When Mr. man hands you some money and says "go get yourself something nice from Planet Blue" is it because he's hip to women's boutiques like that or is it because he overheard it come out of your mouth? Men aren't mind readers and they shouldn't be expected to be - they pick up on what they hear and see.

Personally, more than anything you can say, I think men pay the most attention to what you do for yourself. And in that natural quest to be the "knight in shining armor" they will continue on whatever precedent you set for yourself. If men see you getting your hair done or making an effort to get your nails done, they'll chip in on the effort. If they see you being excited about a new ____ you just bought, they'll chip in on the effort. It's pretty simple IMO - men go out of their way for chicks they want to be with. If he's not going out of his way, you may not be that chick - and that has NOTHING to do with you, because...

He's just not that into you.

Oooh this is very well-written--love what you said and how you said it. And to the bolded, this is so hard for women to accept.

 

[Syrah]

My thoughts exactly. Ridiculous.

That's when you start to question his home training.

Just like a woman who does not acknowledge men who hold doors for her - I question her home training.

 

[Syrah]

Oooh this is very well-written--love what you said and how you said it. And to the bolded, this is so hard for women to accept.

Well...cuz I think in this forum some folks are ego tripping. "oooh, he buys me flowers, I must be so amazing". No sweetheart, he's amazing and he's doing what he considers to be normal behavior for a woman that he likes. Men aren't stingy and then all of a sudden, meet the right chick and become givers. They were givers already and were waiting for the right chick to come along who they deemed worthy of all that.

Relationships, especially in the begining (anytime before the engagement) are like marketing. Some marketing is nonsense, and is nothing but clever advertising and smoke and mirrors. Other advertisements are more "Creative" wording. With men, I've realized, it's not WHAT you say, but how you say it. And getting a man to be more giving with you is that same clever wording.

Real talk: treat yourself how you want to be treated. Be excited about your new hair cut, and the boots you just bought. Get excited about someone at work you overheard talking about how her and her man are planning a trip to Costa Rica. Go get massages and facials. Talk about how you want to save up to buy that _____. Trust me, he's listening.

Men treat us how we treat ourselves. So if you're trying to upgrade him, start by upgrading YOU.

This is my mantra for the rest of '08 and 2009. And it's fun!

 

[Syrah]

I do agree with this. I'm an "asker", generally not for material things though. I'm not really into that as much. But I always have guys doing little things for me. I ask to get carried places, for my trash to get taken out, for my groceries to be brought in, for my car to get washed, all kinds of stuff. And I am not in a relationship. I think guys like doing that stuff for girls, but some may not be naturally inclined to do so.

As far as relationships are concerned, I think one should remember that different people have different ways of showing they care, and that relationships are give and take. My last bf was very, very generous, and very giving. He was more into gift-giving than anything else, and pretty much did that on his own. I never had to ask for anything in that respect, however, that was his main love language. I think there are some ways of showing affection that just come naturally to some (and that could be through giving gifts, being touchy-feely, words of affection), and some things that need to be taught depending on the person. I know I personally could have done without the gifts, even though they were nice, I really would have just like for him to be more verbally affectionate and I had to tell him that.

However, I am also a very generous person, and I gave as good as I got. It wasn't always through material things, but we did for one another. It was not one-sided at all. Balance is important.

I'm so glad you mentioned this. I actually had to learn from my last relationship to slow down on my giving a bit. When giving becomes expecting...Houston, we have a problem.

Just like the men do, I have to find someone who's worth what I've got to give!

 

[lux10023]

so true when i met my FH---the mere mention of anything i needed the next time i saw him he either had it or made arrangemnets to get it fixed or etc--
now i wasnt even dropping hints or etc like that--but he had it there for me and i was like woww--this dude is not playin he is listening loud and clear an dhe is on his AAAA game
and im not even droppin hints---so i feel you on the bolded

Real talk: treat yourself how you want to be treated. Be excited about your new hair cut, and the boots you just bought. Get excited about someone at work you overheard talking about how her and her man are planning a trip to Costa Rica. Go get massages and facials. Talk about how you want to save up to buy that _____. Trust me, he's listening.

Men treat us how we treat ourselves. So if you're trying to upgrade him, start by upgrading YOU.

This is my mantra for the rest of '08 and 2009. And it's fun!

 

[Syrah]

so true when i met my FH---the mere mention of anything i needed the next time i saw him he either had it or made arrangemnets to get it fixed or etc--
now i wasnt even dropping hints or etc like that--but he had it there for me and i was like woww--this dude is not playin he is listening loud and clear an dhe is on his AAAA game
and im not even droppin hints---so i feel you on the bolded

"FH" eh?!!!!!? Is there somethin you'd like to fill us on in?

 

[STLCoverGirl]

Well...cuz I think in this forum some folks are ego tripping. "oooh, he buys me flowers, I must be so amazing". No sweetheart, he's amazing and he's doing what he considers to be normal behavior for a woman that he likes. Men aren't stingy and then all of a sudden, meet the right chick and become givers. They were givers already and were waiting for the right chick to come along who they deemed worthy of all that.

Relationships, especially in the begining (anytime before the engagement) are like marketing. Some marketing is nonsense, and is nothing but clever advertising and smoke and mirrors. Other advertisements are more "Creative" wording. With men, I've realized, it's not WHAT you say, but how you say it. And getting a man to be more giving with you is that same clever wording.

Real talk: treat yourself how you want to be treated. Be excited about your new hair cut, and the boots you just bought. Get excited about someone at work you overheard talking about how her and her man are planning a trip to Costa Rica. Go get massages and facials. Talk about how you want to save up to buy that _____. Trust me, he's listening.

Men treat us how we treat ourselves. So if you're trying to upgrade him, start by upgrading YOU.

This is my mantra for the rest of '08 and 2009. And it's fun!

You are sooo right.

 

[kweenameena]

Nope
Yep
Ultra sweet
Dont' do this....too indirect,be up front
Dont do this either...seems gold-diggerish
Nope,not this either...

IMHO,u need to let men know from the gate (beginning) the kind of person that u are....this will alleviate your need to have to figure out how to make them "look out" for u...I am independent as well so I understand your plight,but I beleive that alot of women,black women,in particular...tend to lose thier "damselle in distress" like qualities do to thier independence...with all that said...be direct! a close mouth don't get fed,trust HTH...

How do you let a man know how you are from the beginning?

If you let him know you're independent...they seem to not want to do anything for you. But you don't want to seem like a gold digger either. Where's the fine line?
When I used to date..I was always more of a giver than my BFs. Then they got spoiled, I got mad, I left.
My best friend on the other hand had no problems asking for money, jewelry, trips, ANYTHING! I never could figure out how she did it...without feeling bad/embarassed

 

[Vinyl]

I told my SO I'd love it if he'd start opening doors, etc for me. He said okay. It's an LDR and since I'm not sure when I'll see him in person again, he may forget. But we'll see.

 

[Syrah]

How do you let a man know how you are from the beginning?

If you let him know you're independent...they seem to not want to do anything for you. But you don't want to seem like a gold digger either. Where's the fine line?
When I used to date..I was always more of a giver than my BFs. Then they got spoiled, I got mad, I left.
My best friend on the other hand had no problems asking for money, jewelry, trips, ANYTHING! I never could figure out how she did it...without feeling bad/embarassed

We sound alike. I'm a spoiler - and find myself spoiling the wrong people and ending up disappointed (moreso in myself then him).

Here's a question - why do folks act like "being independent" and "total utter dependence" are 2 islands right next to each - you leave one and BAM! You're on the other.

I talked to my friend who's met this guy who makes it known through his actions that he worships the ground she walks on. I asked "how'd you manage that"? cuz her and I are a lot alike (kinda like you) and she said "I put me first this time". "Always me first".

And I think THIS is what "The Rules" and books like it are trying to get across. It's not the stupidness about not picking up the phone when he calls, are not calling him. It's about you being the one to set the boundaries in the relationship rather than him.

I realized I had a tendency to treat HIM how I wanted to be treated. WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG! He didn't pick up on the cues. I'm treating ME how I want to be treated. So in other words, if you want to be with me, you've got to be contributing to what I already do for myself, or else, keep it moving.

Nah baby, you see what I'm doing for myself - contribute or kick rocks.

 

[missty1029]

MsNadi I think you are so on point with it for real!!!!
I think we try to look at one element. How the guy is or how you are as a woman. Its a combination of a guy who knows how he wants to treat his woman and a woman who knows how she wants to be treated.

 

[hopeful]

Dang MsNadi, you are preaching up in here!

 

[amara11]

Well...cuz I think in this forum some folks are ego tripping. "oooh, he buys me flowers, I must be so amazing". No sweetheart, he's amazing and he's doing what he considers to be normal behavior for a woman that he likes. Men aren't stingy and then all of a sudden, meet the right chick and become givers. They were givers already and were waiting for the right chick to come along who they deemed worthy of all that.
Relationships, especially in the begining (anytime before the engagement) are like marketing. Some marketing is nonsense, and is nothing but clever advertising and smoke and mirrors. Other advertisements are more "Creative" wording. With men, I've realized, it's not WHAT you say, but how you say it. And getting a man to be more giving with you is that same clever wording.
Real talk: treat yourself how you want to be treated. Be excited about your new hair cut, and the boots you just bought. Get excited about someone at work you overheard talking about how her and her man are planning a trip to Costa Rica. Go get massages and facials. Talk about how you want to save up to buy that _____. Trust me, he's listening.

Men treat us how we treat ourselves. So if you're trying to upgrade him, start by upgrading YOU.
This is my mantra for the rest of '08 and 2009. And it's fun!

Loves it! All of it, I'm not even gonna bold anything- there's no need- it is all so on point!

How do you let a man know how you are from the beginning?

If you let him know you're independent...they seem to not want to do anything for you. But you don't want to seem like a gold digger either. Where's the fine line?
When I used to date..I was always more of a giver than my BFs. Then they got spoiled, I got mad, I left.
My best friend on the other hand had no problems asking for money, jewelry, trips, ANYTHING! I never could figure out how she did it...without feeling bad/embarassed

This is an excellent question- it's one I think I used to get confused when I was younger with all the women's liberation anthems and what not of our generation. Think: "Bills, bills, bills", "independent women", "no scrubs", you know anything by an all girl group circa 1999-2003 lol). Just as a funny aside- Beyonce was single when they sang (those "independent" hits- but was in a serious relationship when they did "cater 2 u") A guy friend reminded me of this in jest- but there's a few hints of truth in it!

I think the fine line (at least as far as I've learned from my guy friends) is between needs and wants. In adamantly declaring our independence from men- we are quick to make sure to remind them that we do not need them to exist on this earth. However, we often forget to let them know that we do indeed want their companionship.

If we declare our independence without highlighting our desires to be in a relationship- they sometimes end up feeling like "Okay... cool then- do you. Peace" Having the- "I've been fine all my life without you n*gga I don't need you conversation" (exaggeration of course) is cool- but make sure they feel wanted. I think this is particularly key because men are impressed by women who they know can handle their own- and yet they still want them around. It reassures them that they're not with a gold digger. Men don't want needy women, but they do want to feel desired.

As Ms. Nadi has so eloquently described- a woman who can do all for herself- yet still wants the dude around is enticing to men- and they tend to do a lot "prove their worth" to the woman when they're in this situation. This could be via a number of venues (not just $$$ wise). It's an interesting balance that I'm learning more about.


This is a really great thread- I'm loving the discussion!

 

[rabs77]

I'm so glad you mentioned this. I actually had to learn from my last relationship to slow down on my giving a bit. When giving becomes expecting...Houston, we have a problem.

Just like the men do, I have to find someone who's worth what I've got to give!

We sound alike. I'm a spoiler - and find myself spoiling the wrong people and ending up disappointed (moreso in myself then him).

Here's a question - why do folks act like "being independent" and "total utter dependence" are 2 islands right next to each - you leave one and BAM! You're on the other.

I talked to my friend who's met this guy who makes it known through his actions that he worships the ground she walks on. I asked "how'd you manage that"? cuz her and I are a lot alike (kinda like you) and she said "I put me first this time". "Always me first".

And I think THIS is what "The Rules" and books like it are trying to get across. It's not the stupidness about not picking up the phone when he calls, are not calling him. It's about you being the one to set the boundaries in the relationship rather than him.

I realized I had a tendency to treat HIM how I wanted to be treated. WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG! He didn't pick up on the cues. I'm treating ME how I want to be treated. So in other words, if you want to be with me, you've got to be contributing to what I already do for myself, or else, keep it moving.

Nah baby, you see what I'm doing for myself - contribute or kick rocks.

Girl........you are preaching in here today. Another spoiler here Quoting you cos I'm loving what you saying!!!

 

[glamazon386]

MsNadi you are on point!

 

[glamazon386]

How do you let a man know how you are from the beginning?

If you let him know you're independent...they seem to not want to do anything for you. But you don't want to seem like a gold digger either. Where's the fine line?
When I used to date..I was always more of a giver than my BFs. Then they got spoiled, I got mad, I left.
My best friend on the other hand had no problems asking for money, jewelry, trips, ANYTHING! I never could figure out how she did it...without feeling bad/embarassed

Through casual conversation and your actions. I don't expect you to sit down and say LOOK HERE MAN. THIS IS HOW I OPERATE AND THIS IS HOW IT'S GOING TO ME. No... but he will pick up on things by the way you respond to certain things, the way you talk about certain things, etc. They will pick up context clues and that will give them some insight into the type of woman you are and what you expect. They'll make a mental note. Positive reinforcement also works well.