Spoiled Ladies - Getting What You Want From Men

[FunkyMunky]

Spoiled ladies I need your advice.

I am an independent, self sufficient woman that can do or buy anything I want for myself. Unfortunately, I feel this has cursed me because what I really want from my romantic partner is for him to take care of me, spoil me and show me he appreciates me....not us....me!

I have found that in the past, there was an imbalance. I eventually began to feel like I was giving more than I was getting so I would withdraw and became cold on the relationship. All because I felt like he was being spoiled and I wasn't.

However, I was wrong and I want to correct what I am doing wrong.

I easily meet men that do well for themselves. The men I have dated always want to take me nice places, trips, and/or do things that we enjoy together. They would ask me if I needed anything but I was equating need anything with necessities so I would say no. Yet, I may have wanted a nice dress or shoes that I saw at the mall but I didn't want to spend my money to buy it. Should I have taken their offer of "do you need anything" as "do you want anything" and told them what I really wanted.

I want to say that I genuinely care for these men at the time and vice versa. I treat them well so I am not talking about getting and not giving anything in return. They are happy and liking what they are getting but because I am not saying or suggesting what I want or need to be happy I begin to feel like I am not appreciated because I am not getting anything personalized to show it was solely for me. I know they want to do things for me, I am just not going about it right.

I have never really asked a man for anything in my life but now I feel like I can't be with a man that is not doing more for me. So that's why I am asking for your help.

So, that's where I need the spoiled ladies of LHCF's advice. I don't know how to ask. Tell me how you do it.

Do you wait until a certain time?
Do you treat him really well and then say it?
Do you say it with sugar and ultra sweet? OR
Do you just come out and say "I want a new outfit."
Do you sit around with a magazine, point at something and sound wishful?
Do you take him to the mall, pick up what you want and get excited?
Do you suggest having ____ would make you happy?

If you NEED something (car fixed, unexpected bill paid, a need) do you ask differently than when you want something. How do you ask in this situation.

I need to know HOW you do it.

What do you do to get what you want?
What works with your man to get what you want?

Help a sista out.

 

[glamazon386]

Just don't budge on anything. It works for me. That's usually how I get what I want. I never ask for anything, I just wait for them to offer. If they offer, the first time I'll hesitate and then say no. I might say no the second time depending on who it is and if I believe them. If I'm trying to call their bluff I'll say yes. If I truly needed something I'd be sweet.

I think you're just dating the wrong kind of man. They don't seem inclined to want to do things out of the blue for you. I've had exes who would just hand me money and be like here baby buy yourself something nice. Some men will want you to come to them and ask so they can feel like you need them and they're doing something for you. Also, some men only want to do things/spend money because they're trying to impress you or they have something to prove. You don't want those types. You want people who genuinely want to do nice things for you and vice versa.

 

[FunkyMunky]

bumping.........

 

[SilentRuby]

Double post...

 

[SilentRuby]

Just don't budge on anything. It works for me. That's usually how I get what I want. I never ask for anything, I just wait for them to offer. If they offer, the first time I'll hesitate and then say no. I might say no the second time depending on who it is and if I believe them. If I'm trying to call their bluff I'll say yes. If I truly needed something I'd be sweet.

I think you're just dating the wrong kind of man. They don't seem inclined to want to do things out of the blue for you. I've had exes who would just hand me money and be like here baby buy yourself something nice. Some men will want you to come to them and ask so they can feel like you need them and they're doing something for you. Also, some men only want to do things/spend money because they're trying to impress you or they have something to prove. You don't want those types. You want people who genuinely want to do nice things for you and vice versa.

ITA with this whole post. I am very independent and not only do I show it but I am quick to tell someone A few of the guys I have dated in the past would claim they were going to do this or that and I could tell they really didn't want to do the sh*t so I would decline. However, other guys I have dated and the one I currently date are really givers (as I am) and do things without me having to ask or say anything (washing my car, getting my car repaired or tuned, taking my car to fill it up with gas, buying nice quality things, scooping me up to ride out , and etc) When I feel it is genuine, that's what really matters to me..

 

[CHECKMATE!]

Do you wait until a certain time?
Do you treat him really well and then say it?
Do you say it with sugar and ultra sweet? OR
Do you just come out and say "I want a new outfit."
Do you sit around with a magazine, point at something and sound wishful?
Do you take him to the mall, pick up what you want and get excited?
Do you suggest having ____ would make you happy?

Nope
Yep
Ultra sweet
Dont' do this....too indirect,be up front
Dont do this either...seems gold-diggerish
Nope,not this either...

IMHO,u need to let men know from the gate (beginning) the kind of person that u are....this will alleviate your need to have to figure out how to make them "look out" for u...I am independent as well so I understand your plight,but I beleive that alot of women,black women,in particular...tend to lose thier "damselle in distress" like qualities do to thier independence...with all that said...be direct! a close mouth don't get fed,trust HTH...

 

[Bublin]

Glamazon386 said it all.

 

[FunkyMunky]

Thanks for your responses!!

I understand what some of the posters wrote but the question was...

How do you get what you want from men?

I was not referring to the men that just gives out of the blue. I understand that a man may just give you money and say go get whatever with it, send flowers, candy etc..

The problem with that is even though it was nice it may not have been what you wanted or needed so you still didn't get what you wanted. Or maybe some of you, are okay with waiting for the man to decide when and what you need or want but this way you may never get what you truly wanted. So IMHO, it's still under his control in a way because he gave you what he thought you should have while he's asking for what he wants.

I am asking not about what he thinks or wants you to have. When the time comes and you want/need something.... How do you get what you want/need from a man.

IMO, there is a difference.

 

[FunkyMunky]

Nope
Yep
Ultra sweet
Dont' do this....too indirect,be up front
Dont do this either...seems gold-diggerish
Nope,not this either...

IMHO,u need to let men know from the gate (beginning) the kind of person that u are....this will alleviate your need to have to figure out how to make them "look out" for u...I am independent as well so I understand your plight,but I beleive that alot of women,black women,in particular...tend to lose thier "damselle in distress" like qualities do to thier independence...with all that said...be direct! a close mouth don't get fed,trust HTH...

Correct me if I'm wrong...

The key in your opinion is to say exactly what you want but in a softer, sweeter, kittenish, feminine manner.

 

[glamazon386]

Thanks for your responses!!

I understand what some of the posters wrote but the question was...

How do you get what you want from men?

I was not referring to the men that just gives out of the blue. I understand that a man may just give you money and say go get whatever with it, send flowers, candy etc..

The problem with that is even though it was nice it may not have been what you wanted or needed so you still didn't get what you wanted. Or maybe some of you, are okay with waiting for the man to decide when and what you need or want but this way you may never get what you truly wanted. So IMHO, it's still under his control in a way because he gave you what he thought you should have while he's asking for what he wants.

I am asking not about what he thinks or wants you to have. When the time comes and you want/need something.... How do you get what you want/need from a man.
IMO, there is a difference.

If he is not the giving type, you're not going to get anything out of him. Plain and simple. Or you might, but he will be expecting something in return. If he is really into you and paying attention more than likely you won't have to come flat out and say it. He will know just from being in your presence or from your mentioning it. And if not, what's the big deal with asking? The worst he could say was no right? I don't like to be told no though so that's why I don't flat out ask. Either you take the hint (my mentioning it) or you don't (and I'll get it from someone else or on my own ).

It's really not rocket science, if you want something ASK. I think it's more about how you ask though and not what you actually say. You could try playing damsel in distress. I don't like doing that either but it works. There was a light on in my car the other day and one of my guy friends came and checked it out and fixed it for me. As soon as I called he was like where are you? I'm on my way...

 

[Divine Inspiration]

How do you get what you want/need from a man.

By asking. I agree with what Glam said. If a man is not generous, then it really doesn't matter how you approach it. In my experiences, generous men who enjoy spoiling a lady will not put the burden of asking on her, especially if they know she's independent.

I can totally relate to your sentiments as it took me some time to appreciate the fact that just because I CAN do something for myself doesn't mean that I HAVE to do it for myself nor does it mean that I need to buck every time a man extends a courtesy to me. Gracefully accepting gifts and shows of affection does not in any way take away from my "strength" or independence.

To answer the questions:

Yes, I wait because I tread VERY lightly early on in my dealings with men. I give him a chance to show me who he is before I even think about accepting anything from him. I'm not the type to bring up relationships/marriage/children, etc, and I don't bring up him buying things for me either. IME, this results in him being more eager to do those things because he knows I'm not in any way attached to his money or what he can do for me. I spend time genuinely getting to know and like the guy for who he is and that generally results in him letting his guard down a bit and deciding to spend out of his gratitude and affinity.

I don't play little chess games to get things. The men I deal with are grown enough and emotionally mature enough that I don't have manipulate them into getting what I want. I'm hesitant to accept things from a man I'm not in a relationship with anyway so asking a man who is not MY man simply will not happen. I think it's out of order for ME.

In my last relationship, I was with a man who was generous (with money/gifts). If I wanted something, I'd say, "I saw the cutest sandals at Charles David today...and I-" and 9.9 times out before I can finish my thought, he would say, "What are you doing tomorrow? Let's go to the Beverly Center and get 'em." I would not be making the statements to bait him, but because of the TYPE of man he was, he wanted to do those things so I agree with Glam that the type of dude who's always looking for a chance to spoil you or put a smile on your face will give you what you want, without you asking. However, I have asked for extra special trips to the spa - no games, and he has simply said, "Ok...schedule the appointment, and I'll take care of it." The End. It doesn't (and shouldn't, IMO) be a big orchestrated thing.

 

[glamazon386]

By asking. I agree with what Glam said. If a man is not generous, then it really doesn't matter how you approach it. In my experiences, generous men who enjoy spoiling a lady will not put the burden of asking on her, especially if they know she's independent.

I can totally relate to your sentiments as it took me some time to appreciate the fact that just because I CAN do something for myself doesn't mean that I HAVE to do it for myself nor does it mean that I need to buck every time a man extends a courtesy to me. Gracefully accepting gifts and shows of affection does not in any way take away from my "strength" or independence.

To answer the questions:

Yes, I wait because I tread VERY lightly early on in my dealings with men. I give him a chance to show me who he is before I even think about accepting anything from him. I'm not the type to bring up relationships/marriage/children, etc, and I don't bring up him buying things for me either. IME, this results in him being more eager to do those things because he knows I'm not in any way attached to his money or what he can do for me. I spend time genuinely getting to know and like the guy for who he is and that generally results in him letting his guard down a bit and deciding to spend out of his gratitude and affinity.

I don't play little chess games to get things. The men I deal with are grown enough and emotionally mature enough that I don't have manipulate them into getting what I want. I'm hesitant to accept things from a man I'm not in a relationship with anyway so asking a man who is not MY man simply will not happen. I think it's out of order for ME.

In my last relationship, I was with a man who was generous (with money/gifts). If I wanted something, I'd say, "I saw the cutest sandals at Charles David today...and I-" and 9.9 times out before I can finish my thought, he would say, "What are you doing tomorrow? Let's go to the Beverly Center and get 'em." I would not be making the statements to bait him, but because of the TYPE of man he was, he wanted to do those things so I agree with Glam that the type of dude who's always looking for a chance to spoil you or put a smile on your face will give you what you want, without you asking. However, I have asked for extra special trips to the spa - no games, and he has simply said, "Ok...schedule the appointment, and I'll take care of it." The End. It doesn't (and shouldn't, IMO) be a big orchestrated thing.

I agree with DI's whole post.

To the bolded - I am the same way. I have to sit back and observe first to see what type of man you are. I need to see what your habits are, how you respond to certain things, etc. Then after I think I have that down, I can decide how I want to approach you about certain things. Not to mention the fact that bringing things like that up too early can also send up a red flag on either end.

 

[Amour]

Thanks for your responses!!

I understand what some of the posters wrote but the question was...

How do you get what you want from men?

I was not referring to the men that just gives out of the blue. I understand that a man may just give you money and say go get whatever with it, send flowers, candy etc..

The problem with that is even though it was nice it may not have been what you wanted or needed so you still didn't get what you wanted. Or maybe some of you, are okay with waiting for the man to decide when and what you need or want but this way you may never get what you truly wanted. So IMHO, it's still under his control in a way because he gave you what he thought you should have while he's asking for what he wants.

I am asking not about what he thinks or wants you to have. When the time comes and you want/need something.... How do you get what you want/need from a man.

IMO, there is a difference.

i'm VERY spoilt but I don't ask for anything.

If I want something I mention it... I don't ask but mention, and if he can my SO always responds with... I'll get it for you.

My SO is v. generous thats part of the reason why I lubs him, but he's generous in a genuine way. When I wanted my puppy I mentioned I wanted it, but planned on getting it myself but he was adamant and insisted he got it for me

 

[CHECKMATE!]

Correct me if I'm wrong...

The key in your opinion is to say exactly what you want but in a softer, sweeter, kittenish, feminine manner.

yes maam...be sincere of course....u get more bees with honey than with vinegar

 

[laCriolla]

So, that's where I need the spoiled ladies of LHCF's advice. I don't know how to ask. Tell me how you do it.

Do you wait until a certain time?
Do you treat him really well and then say it?
Do you say it with sugar and ultra sweet? OR
Do you just come out and say "I want a new outfit."
Do you sit around with a magazine, point at something and sound wishful?
Do you take him to the mall, pick up what you want and get excited?
Do you suggest having ____ would make you happy?

If you NEED something (car fixed, unexpected bill paid, a need) do you ask differently than when you want something. How do you ask in this situation.

I need to know HOW you do it.

What do you do to get what you want?
What works with your man to get what you want?

Help a sista out.

this may not be popular but:
I present it like a problem. like i'm bummed out about whatever it is, and then he'll swoop in and "fix" it for me, even though he doesn't know I can 'fix' it myself...
that's my attempt at letting a man be a man.

so for example, he'll say
"hey how was your day"
"great- it was x y z, oh but (sad) my car has something wrong with the tire part (yeah i know its a flat) and I can't seem to figure out what's wrong with it, i guess i'll have to call someone to come over and help"

"no no i'll take a look at it"

BINGO. he feels like superman and I get my tire fixed.


read "why men marry bitc***" there's a section on men thinking things are their idea. same premise.

 

[FunkyMunky]

this may not be popular but:
I present it like a problem. like i'm bummed out about whatever it is, and then he'll swoop in and "fix" it for me, even though he doesn't know I can 'fix' it myself...
that's my attempt at letting a man be a man.

so for example, he'll say
"hey how was your day"
"great- it was x y z, oh but (sad) my car has something wrong with the tire part (yeah i know its a flat) and I can't seem to figure out what's wrong with it, i guess i'll have to call someone to come over and help"

"no no i'll take a look at it"

BINGO. he feels like superman and I get my tire fixed.


read "why men marry bitc***" there's a section on men thinking things are their idea. same premise.

Thank you. This is exactly the type of advice I was looking for.

I know some people may feel this is easy and not a big deal but for some people it is.

I rarely ask anyone for anything. The only person I ask for anything is my mother. I don't even ask my father or my brother. I don't ask my friends for anything either. I have a child and I never ask anyone to babysit other than my mother and 2 or 3 times with a relative. My son is now 9. I will pay someone before I ask and even when I ask I still give or offer the person something. Even when I know a person can help me I still try to do it for myself and I usually figure out a way to get through it on my own.

I also never say around a guy that I saw something I like or wanted for him to step in and get it for me. I usually just get what I want or wait until I can get it. So in a situation like this, the man will compliment me on the purchase but I never presented him with a want or a need. I wear nice clothes, purses, jewelry etc.. that I have purchased on my own. Also, I know that the men I dated in the past attempted to help me or do things for me because of a comment they may have made but I usually glaze over it. I'm trying to learn to say yes. So this is really not about the type of man because I don't date losers.

I'm trying to learn how to say yes and how to ask for what I want. That is why I am asking for advice.

I hope you all understand. I am sure there are other women out there who have the same problem.

 

[SilentRuby]

If he is not the giving type, you're not going to get anything out of him. Plain and simple. Or you might, but he will be expecting something in return. If he is really into you and paying attention more than likely you won't have to come flat out and say it. He will know just from being in your presence or from your mentioning it. And if not, what's the big deal with asking? The worst he could say was no right? I don't like to be told no though so that's why I don't flat out ask. Either you take the hint (my mentioning it) or you don't (and I'll get it from someone else or on my own ).

It's really not rocket science, if you want something ASK. I think it's more about how you ask though and not what you actually say. You could try playing damsel in distress. I don't like doing that either but it works. There was a light on in my car the other day and one of my guy friends came and checked it out and fixed it for me. As soon as I called he was like where are you? I'm on my way...

Exactly... I can't take being told no either so I don't ask...

But Funky Munky I just saw your previous post and I understand what you were saying. La Criolla was on point with her post and I also use that scenario at times..

 

[glamazon386]

Exactly... I can't take being told no either so I don't ask...

But Funky Munky I just saw your previous post and I understand what you were saying. La Criolla was on point with her post and I also use that scenario at times..

I would agree. That's playing damsel in distress. They love that bc they feel like you need them.

 

[missty1029]

Man this is the thread that I needed!!!! I was just trying to figure this out and everything that was said here has really shed light on things for me!

 

[CarLiTa]

interesting thread. i have to say this is kind of my issue too...
but then again i'm young and don't really know if i want someone feeling like he can take care of me, lol. I'm trying to take care of myself first... and of course with my parents' help

BUT, if I am dating someone, I'd love a little gift here and there. Something thoughtful. I have brushed off offers to do little nice things, and I don't want that to become a habit.

and Yes, i have noticed that men make clear what they want. We, women on the other hand, will tend to leave it up to guy to decide what he should get us... by fear of sounding needy or whatever.

Sometimes it makes me wonder: have i been clear about what *I* like?

 

[glamazon386]

Thanks for your responses!!

I understand what some of the posters wrote but the question was...

How do you get what you want from men?

I was not referring to the men that just gives out of the blue. I understand that a man may just give you money and say go get whatever with it, send flowers, candy etc..

The problem with that is even though it was nice it may not have been what you wanted or needed so you still didn't get what you wanted. Or maybe some of you, are okay with waiting for the man to decide when and what you need or want but this way you may never get what you truly wanted. So IMHO, it's still under his control in a way because he gave you what he thought you should have while he's asking for what he wants.

I am asking not about what he thinks or wants you to have. When the time comes and you want/need something.... How do you get what you want/need from a man.

IMO, there is a difference.

Is he's around you that much he should know you well enough to know what you want and need. If he's that dense and isn't picking up your hints the only thing you can do is open your mouth and ask for it. Even though I absolutely HATE doing asking and would probably exhaust all other options before doing it as a last resort, some men will not know until you ask. All he can do is say no. And if he does, more than likely I'll be saying no to something else later on. And that might be the last time I ever ask him anything. I don't have time to train puppies. And the thing is, if I have to break it down like that and ask, maybe you aren't as in tune to me as I feel you should be so that opens another can of worms in itself.

 

[Taliah]

Great post. I'll add....
-Men like to spend money on woman that other men spend or have spent money on.
-Men do not care about your problems. When they are spending it it usually all about them. It is about power and an ego stroke.
-When scoping, look for men who like to spend lots of money on themselves and have expensive hobbies.
-Do NOT try to spoil them back. Remember you are dealing with the ego. It makes them feel like you are trying to compete.

 

[Whimsy]

Here's what works for me.

ASK for what you want - period.

You have to start on date #1. And start with both monetary things as well as behavioral things. (ie- pull out my chair, help me with my coat, order another drink... etc...but don't say it in a demanding way, ASK and sweetly)
Say you're walking back to the car and pass a shop w/ cute sunglasses on display (relatively cheap right?) so you try one on, 'oh it's so cute! i love them, do they look good on me? -he says yes
"Will you get them for me?" he says yes, he gets a big thank u a hug and a peck on the cheek (positive reinforcement)
he says no, you give him a subtle look like you dont understand that someone actually said no to you, then buy them for yourself and continue on the date normally but with no physical contact after that but still being nice. either don't go on another date w/ him or if u think he can be turned, try again on date 2.

It's my belief that most men want to make their woman happy. You just have to show him what makes you happy. In this case, it's whatever gift etc. that you want...

HOWEVER, if you're good at reading people, it'll be easy to see who you can have trickin for no reason, and who will be harder to 'crack'

 

[Vinyl]

Interesting thread. I'm the type that likes to be spoiled but any guy I date at this age is going to be a broke college student. You ladies are lucky.

I have been wanting my SO to do things like pull out doors, chairs, etc, but frankly I've been too shy to ask.

 

[kandake]

Interesting thread. I'm the type that likes to be spoiled but any guy I date at this age is going to be a broke college student. You ladies are lucky.

I have been wanting my SO to do things like pull out doors, chairs, etc, but frankly I've been too shy to ask.

Maybe you should tell him. Clearly he hasn't had anyone in his life to teach him to be a gentleman.

 

[glamazon386]

Interesting thread. I'm the type that likes to be spoiled but any guy I date at this age is going to be a broke college student. You ladies are lucky.

I have been wanting my SO to do things like pull out doors, chairs, etc, but frankly I've been too shy to ask.

He ain't too broke to hold a door open for you. Maybe that's something that he was not taught or did not see at home. I would mention it to him in a nice way if that's something you desire him to do. I don't think it'll be a big deal.

 

[heyfranz]

Whimsy just said it all. You'll be able to tell on the first date-or before. I make good money and i'm independent, but i have expensive tastes, and like to determine before hand. I dated a guy once who gave me $100 for lunch (before our 1st date) because i kept "putting him off" about taking me out. I just broke up with my BF of one year 3 weeks ago, and tonight i have a second date with a guy who on our first date filled up my car and saw the "check engine" light was on and offered to have it looked at. All this before we headed to dinner...

 

[Divine Inspiration]

Here's what works for me.

ASK for what you want - period.

You have to start on date #1. And start with both monetary things as well as behavioral things. (ie- pull out my chair, help me with my coat, order another drink... etc...but don't say it in a demanding way, ASK and sweetly)
Say you're walking back to the car and pass a shop w/ cute sunglasses on display (relatively cheap right?) so you try one on, 'oh it's so cute! i love them, do they look good on me? -he says yes
"Will you get them for me?" he says yes, he gets a big thank u a hug and a peck on the cheek (positive reinforcement)
he says no, you give him a subtle look like you dont understand that someone actually said no to you, then buy them for yourself and continue on the date normally but with no physical contact after that but still being nice. either don't go on another date w/ him or if u think he can be turned, try again on date 2.

It's my belief that most men want to make their woman happy. You just have to show him what makes you happy. In this case, it's whatever gift etc. that you want...

HOWEVER, if you're good at reading people, it'll be easy to see who you can have trickin for no reason, and who will be harder to 'crack'

I have to respectfully disagree. I don't think a woman should have her hand out on a first date. A stingy man is not going to magically be generous just because a chick asks. IME, when you start asking out the gate, you will have to ask until the very end because he does not see a need to be thoughtful or take initiative. Giving him a reward for spending money and then withholding affection if he doesn't is, IMO, not the way to build a solid and meaningful relationship. There could be a lot of reasons that he says no. Allowing a man to show you who he is in terms of generosity is a better recipe for long term success, IMO, because again, if he's just not a generous guy, then no amount of asking is going to make him be one. Also, no one wants to be/feel used or taken for granted, and I think asking for gifts out the gate says that you will be a burden or that you are only seeing him to get what you want. I think it's possible for him to be a gentleman and be generous without spending absurd amounts of money early on.

Once a relationship has started, I think asking for things is acceptable, but if I have to ask every single time I want something down to getting a door opened, then I'm going to start to question some things. I don't want the burden of asking incessantly.

I agree that most men want to make their women happy and that they have to be shown what you like because not all women appreciate the same things. However, the way you go about communicating that makes all the difference in the world.

 

[missty1029]

I agree with Divine. I know I want someone who is in tune with me and picks up on the things I like and what would make me happy. I want him to take the initiative and be thoughtful.
For example I hung out last night with someone I am dating for a while now. I really wasnt feeling well last night and when he left, he left me balled up on the couch. That negro did not even pick up the phone today to see how I am feeling. When I reached out to him to curse him out he said he was waiting for me to call him. What kind of bull??? He just sunk his ship with that one. It was thoughtless and I don't want to have to call him or any dude to tell him how I am feeling.

Also about the door opening bit, I have a friend that no matter who we are walking with if its her now husband or a friend, if we come to door she stands there until he opens the door for her. Its funny, but any guy who didn't know before, now knows.

 

[Vinyl]

Also about the door opening bit, I have a friend that no matter who we are walking with if its her now husband or a friend, if we come to door she stands there until he opens the door for her. Its funny, but any guy who didn't know before, now knows.

Lol, I should start doing that. Although I'd probably feel embarrassed 'cause he'd be in the store wondering what was up.