sunnieb
Well-Known Member
I just wanted to highlight this right here for all the ladies who are dating a loser right now and think it will get better after marriage. It won't.
Splitting Holidays -How do You do it?
- Thread starter smwrigh3
- Start date
I just wanted to highlight this right here for all the ladies who are dating a loser right now and think it will get better after marriage. It won't.
NaturalPath
Well-Known Member
Honestly my SO and I (4 years) do not celebrate the holidays with each other. I celebrate with my family, and he celebrates with his. I honestly do not think we will celebrate holidays together until we are engaged or married; then that will probably be an issue trying to figure out whose parents we want to celebrate with.
NaturalPath
Well-Known Member
Isnt this statement a little harsh though, granted not all relationships are 100% perfect but shouldnt the good in the relationship outweigh the bad? Theres always a chance things could improve.
Farida
Well-Known Member
I don't think its harsh at all. When you get married you will start to see how things get to you in a different way. You learn how all those little teed bits you saw in dating fall into place. Whether you have dated 10 years and shacked up 20. Marriage changes things. If anything it changes how family perceives you/deals with you and how personally everyone, including DH starts to take things.
Sure there's a chance things could improve, but what if they don't? You should never marry someone hoping things will improve.
It depends on your values and for me holidays are family time! I just think that it shows that he has this mindset of "things have to be the way I want them to be because that's how we do it at my house." When it comes to budgeting, parenting, celebrations, spending money, traveling etc, he will probably have the same attitude. If OP feels she can live with always spending Xmas with his family or at home with her family without her husband and kids then more power to her. It would not be me.
In fact some of the biggest fights both our families had when were planning the wedding had to do with family members trying to hold on to "well this is how we do it." It was such a headache and really stressed me out. I never even want to have to deal with a wedding ever again.
Ask DLewis. Her DH is great and is a good husband and father but has some trifling family members. In the past I would have been quick to say it is all good as long as the family knows their place and you and he love each other. Dlewis once said the bad blood between family is so stressful on her.
There are so many ways and occasions where DH and I's ideas clash and usually one of us has to compromise. Someone who is so "end of discussion" about such an issue is a red flag to me.
I have a friend whose in-laws don't like her and she usually spends Christmas with her mom and kids while her husband goes to her in-laws. Then the in-laws complain that the kids never come over.
If he behaves like this it means she either has to spend Christmas with him or with her family. It is all well and good when you have no kids you need to figure out if they will never spend Christmas with one set of grandparents because of their dad's uncompromising attitude.
Not all relationships are perfect but there's some things that are not worth having to tolerate.
I hope I am overreacting in the sense that he just did not understand and will change his stance and compromise.
Farida
Well-Known Member
The good should always outweigh the bad. You just need to figure out what type of bad you are willing to deal with for the rest of your life. My main problem is not just the Christmas issue, it just says a lot about his overall attitude. If you could tell 100% it was just the Christmas issue that he would be that way and he is otherwise 99.9999% perfect I'd say go for ir.
Hello Ladies...
I wanted to come back with an update since the argument. We have talked and talked and talked some more. There was clearly miscommunication problem because when we discussed it we both became defensive over our families. I we have worked out a perfect solution based off our families traditions and our respective roles. And since we are not married YET if we want to just separate for the holidays its ok to do so.
I would like to thank those who offered advice on for me to watch these things when it comes to my SO and I do. I pay attention to the things that he says and does so that I can be aware of the person who I love. However I do not see these things as RED flags to run for the door. I think they are wonderful topics for us to discuss as we continue to build our relationship. I think many of you are well aware that marriage is a growing process and I believe you all would agree that that process starts long before you say I do. I love when he and I come to a fork in the road and we each wanna go a separate way because it allows for us to share our perspectives and our opinions so we can work thorough these things together. Building our bond, our communication skills (WHICH COULD ALWAYS USE WORK) and of course our relationship.
I sincerely would like to thank you all for your respective responses. Because they all offered the in site I wanted. However I don't want to paint a picture of a selfish boyfriend because he is not that. The good does out weigh the bad BY FAR! He has given me a joy and hope and strength when my own family has turned there back on me.
I hope this different come out rudely to anyone. Because if I didn't care about you all's opinion I would've have started this thread in the first place.
I wanted to come back with an update since the argument. We have talked and talked and talked some more. There was clearly miscommunication problem because when we discussed it we both became defensive over our families. I we have worked out a perfect solution based off our families traditions and our respective roles. And since we are not married YET if we want to just separate for the holidays its ok to do so.
I would like to thank those who offered advice on for me to watch these things when it comes to my SO and I do. I pay attention to the things that he says and does so that I can be aware of the person who I love. However I do not see these things as RED flags to run for the door. I think they are wonderful topics for us to discuss as we continue to build our relationship. I think many of you are well aware that marriage is a growing process and I believe you all would agree that that process starts long before you say I do. I love when he and I come to a fork in the road and we each wanna go a separate way because it allows for us to share our perspectives and our opinions so we can work thorough these things together. Building our bond, our communication skills (WHICH COULD ALWAYS USE WORK) and of course our relationship.
I sincerely would like to thank you all for your respective responses. Because they all offered the in site I wanted. However I don't want to paint a picture of a selfish boyfriend because he is not that. The good does out weigh the bad BY FAR! He has given me a joy and hope and strength when my own family has turned there back on me.
I hope this different come out rudely to anyone. Because if I didn't care about you all's opinion I would've have started this thread in the first place.
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I agee so much with this whole statement. I wish people will stop thinking "I married him and not his family." You do yourself, your husband and your kids a huge disservice when you don't marry the whole family. Had I known, thought about or had someone to break it down to me I way I understood I would have never married into this family. Even though my husband will do anything for me, it kinda hard to ask someone to give up their family for you.
We have spent all holidays at our home for the last 11 years. Over the last two years some of Dh's family have stopped by and/or spend a good amount of time with us on those holidays. Dh also takes the children with him if and when he goes to visit with his family on holidays (for a couple of hours).
hopeful
Well-Known Member
I agree with Dlewis in that yes you marry the whole family, like it or not. And mils, sils whoo chile can be a horror and add mounds of stress to your life. I rarely discuss my in-law issues but trust that I know what Dlewis is talking about. I sorted thru most of the issues after years of working things out and prayer (thank God). But there were many years in the past that I thought my goodness why oh why did I marry into this family?
I have a different perspective now, however. I have noticed that sometimes women who marry into "wonderful" families don't get such a wonderful man. Like when they get divorced are heart-broken over losing their wonderful in-laws. My point is that nothing in this life is perfect, not us, our families, our dh's, or his family. It's just that life is filled with opportunites for growth and learning. Like DLewis if I had known better and if someone had schooled me I probably would have never married him.
But you know he took a chance on me too coming from abuse and a broken family. No one really fully understands what they are getting into when they marry. You don't see the frustrations, the future arguments, etc. But you also don't see the intense love you may end up having for one another and how beautifully the two of you can grow and develop as human beings. At this point and juncture I'm so happy I married my sweetheart. He is the love of my life and I'm glad I didn't let in-laws keep us from each other. And what's funny is now my in-laws love me and respect me--it took awhile but they finally came around
. Things still aren't perfect but they are much, much better
.
I have a different perspective now, however. I have noticed that sometimes women who marry into "wonderful" families don't get such a wonderful man. Like when they get divorced are heart-broken over losing their wonderful in-laws. My point is that nothing in this life is perfect, not us, our families, our dh's, or his family. It's just that life is filled with opportunites for growth and learning. Like DLewis if I had known better and if someone had schooled me I probably would have never married him.
But you know he took a chance on me too coming from abuse and a broken family. No one really fully understands what they are getting into when they marry. You don't see the frustrations, the future arguments, etc. But you also don't see the intense love you may end up having for one another and how beautifully the two of you can grow and develop as human beings. At this point and juncture I'm so happy I married my sweetheart. He is the love of my life and I'm glad I didn't let in-laws keep us from each other. And what's funny is now my in-laws love me and respect me--it took awhile but they finally came around
. Things still aren't perfect but they are much, much better.I agree with Dlewis in that yes you marry the whole family, like it or not. And mils, sils whoo chile can be a horror and add mounds of stress to your life. I rarely discuss my in-law issues but trust that I know what Dlewis is talking about. I sorted thru most of the issues after years of working things out and prayer (thank God). But there were many years in the past that I thought my goodness why oh why did I marry into this family?
I have a different perspective now, however. I have noticed that sometimes women who marry into "wonderful" families don't get such a wonderful man. Like when they get divorced are heart-broken over losing their wonderful in-laws. My point is that nothing in this life is perfect, not us, our families, our dh's, or his family. It's just that life is filled with opportunites for growth and learning. Like DLewis if I had known better and if someone had schooled me I probably would have never married him.
But you know he took a chance on me too coming from abuse and a broken family. No one really fully understands what they are getting into when they marry. You don't see the frustrations, the future arguments, etc. But you also don't see the intense love you may end up having for one another and how beautifully the two of you can grow and develop as human beings. At this point and juncture I'm so happy I married my sweetheart. He is the love of my life and I'm glad I didn't let in-laws keep us from each other. And what's funny is now my in-laws love me and respect me--it took awhile but they finally came around
You are so right Hopeful. I pray that I grow and see things like that one day.
I'm still praying though.
Farida
Well-Known Member
I'm glad you talked things out OP. I am not offended and as I said in my previous post work things out to your satisfaction. Don't let your needs and desires get swept under his. I wish you the best and I highly recommend premarital couseling, especially the "PREPARE" program. Their marriage stats are amazing. https://www.prepare-enrich.com/weba...pages*home*public*HomeLinks.html&emb_sch_id=0
Thanks! I was looking for something like this! My pastor has premarital counseling at our church but Im not ready for that yet!
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