*Spinoff* "The Rules Challenge!--"Rules" girls get in here!

Crystalicequeen123

Crystalicequeen123

Well-Known Member
This thread is a spinoff to RedRiot's previous post. Some of us ladies are sick and tired of pursuing/chasing guys, only to have him run away, get scared, act lukewarm, or dump us. :(

That's why this thread is dedicated to experimenting with "The Rules"! :D What are "The Rules" you ask? "The Rules" is a book by authors Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, who advocate NOT chasing/pursuing a man in hopes of getting him to like you, start a relationship with you, or convincing him to marry you. Basically, the bottom line goal is to allow men to chase YOU! http://www.amazon.com/All-Rules-Tim...sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1223318064&sr=1-1

Afterall, if you "chase" a man, all he can do is run away from you. But if you don't chase him, then he is left to chase you.

This isn't about playing games, but more so about knowing your own self-worth and realizing that you as a woman DESERVE to be pursued!

So...who's willing to get on "The Rules" challenge with me? Who's at least willing to try it out? I used to think this book was pure rubbish, until I realized that what I was doing (ie. calling guys, texting guys, inviting guys to hang out, treating guys like my friends, giving guys cards, making it "easy" for a guy to pursue me, etc.) wasn't working. :nono: So, that's why I'm trying "The Rules".

In order to know "the rules" well, you really should get the book. But for those of you who haven't bought the book yet, here are some simple things to try out:

-Don't call men (unless it's in response to their call)
-Don't chase a man (let him pursue you!)
-Don't initiate conversations/dates with a man (let him notice you!)
-Don't accept last-minute dates (you DO have a life!)
-Don't make it too easy for him, but don't make it impossible either (he should feel like you have other options, and that he is privileged to be able to steal you away from YOUR busy schedule just to take you out)

Remember: YOU are the prize! Not him!

I'm telling you, I've been doing "the Rules" for just about 2-3 weeks now, and already I feel very empowered. Some women may scoff at the rules and say that it's game-playing/it's anti-feminist or whatever. But I'm telling you, for the first time in 2 years I feel like I have my self confidence back! :woot:

So, what do you say ladies?? Who's with me?
 
For the most part I am a Rules girl. However, I don't see anything wrong with initiating a conversation with a guy since that is just being friendly. But I 100% agree with everything else as far as letting the man pursue, make plans (in advance!), etc.
 
Okay, I am going to Barnes and Noble in about an hour. They have the book for me on hold. I been engaged to my EX-Fiance for 4 years I am so like WTH. I am also Re-Reading why Men Love Bit**#! So, yes, I am up for it.
 
In the early stages of dating, I sometimes would purposely not answer my cell phone and then call them a couple of hours later. I think its important for the guy to realize that even though I like him I have other priorities in my life too. Guys fear a clingy woman and any hints to that early on will send them running for the hills.
 
I think the rules is great as a "cheerleader" type book - reinforcing the notion that you can have what you want AND more importantly, that you're worth it (cuz at times, having certain desires and voicing them and people are quick to throw around "golddigger").

That being said, I don't think the Rules should be looked at as a code of conduct. It's a great framework to use as a basis for how YOU want to operate in a relationship - but some of it is a bit silly...
 
:giggle: this is cute
Though I haven't read the book, I do know that the concepts themselves are not rubbish. The best thing you can do in a relationship is nothing. Basically smile, accept some calls/dates, and chill.

I already have WMLB, but I might as well add this book. I'll probably get it in a few weeks w/ ya'll :up:
 
I have the Rules and was doing them w/o knowing. They are true. It does work. And it helped me get back on track after a bad breakup. I'm in!!!
 
the game "rules" usually works on those who aren't aware a game is going on...it is all a game in the end I guess it depends on what you are in it for and what you get out of it as to why you play by the rules....fortunately even those who aren't aware of the game are still playing in it so you will run across people they will work on effectively..then you got those who you are playing against in a for real challenge...who are strategizing just as you are and then thats when the game gets really good for some

some would like to think that playin games is all bad, but in this society and world we live in sometimes some of the biggest life lessons on love, self, ego and evolution come from being in this game, especially when it comes to relationships
 
I'm married already so I'm not part of the challenge, but I do like the concept of not straining yourself to find a man, as well as the fact that YOU are a prize. You should not ever let anyone or encourage men to take you for granted!

While I don't believe in hard set "rules" per se, I totally agree with the philosophy behind them. I wish all of you the best in this challenge!!!
 
I just ordered the book. It'll be interesting to see how this turns out. :grin:

Now to figure out where to hide it so my SO doesn't see it when he comes over. :look:
 
Awesome ladies!! :up: I'm excited about this challenge! I want to see if this really works. :grin:

Those of you ladies who are participating in "The Rules" Challenge, or who intend on participating in the challenge, why don't we do a general getting-to-know-you questionnaire?

*Questions*

1) Why are you personally participating in "The Rules" challenge?

2) How long do you plan on doing the challenge?

3) Has pursuing men worked for you in the past? Yes? No? (Feel free to explain/elaborate if you wish)

4) What do you hope to gain by participating in "The Rules" Challenge?

5) When are you starting the challenge? (If you haven't received your book yet, you can still start the rules by making it a point not to chase/pursue any man)



Okay...I'll answer first.

*Questions*

1) Why are you personally participating in "The Rules" challenge?
-To help me to stop pursuing guys and to stop worrying about whether or not some guy likes me. :rolleyes:

-After my ordeal w/a guy friend of mine where I pursued him, I want to regain my self-worth back and allow guys to pursue ME now.

-I need practice remaining balanced & grounded with guys that I DO like and AM interested in!

2) How long do you plan on doing the challenge?
-Although the book advocates trying "The Rules" for at least 6 months, I want to try the rules out for about 3 months and see how it goes. If it works, then I'll continue to do it for 6 months. But I want to try it out first for 3 months and see what happens. :grin:

3) Has pursuing men worked for you in the past? Yes? No? (Feel free to explain/elaborate if you wish)
-Nope! I never used to pursue guys, but 2 years ago I met a guy friend and threw all caution to the wind. I ended up pursuing him, and that did NOT work out to my advantage. :( So no, pursuing a guy has not worked in my favor yet.

4) What do you hope to gain by participating in "The Rules" Challenge?
-Greater self-confidence, self-esteem, and a "queen bee" attitude. ;) :woot: :lachen: Hahah! No seriously.... I realize that I tend to have self-confidence in just about everything else in life. But when it comes to a guy that I REALLY like, I don't have confidence at all. I end up trying to be too nice, or trying too hard to impress him, etc. I want to just leave everything in God's hands and not feel like I have to work so hard.

5) When are you starting the Challenge?
-I already started, September 17th. ;)


I look forward to reading other responses! :)
 
I think if you work on developing yourself and your esteem, stuff like "The Rules" will come naturally. I think books like these are cool, and was really into them at one point, however, the only problem I have with them is that they don't really address deeper issues women might with themselves, so its all just an act.
 
freelove said:
I think if you work on developing yourself and your esteem, stuff like "The Rules" will come naturally. I think books like these are cool, and was really into them at one point, however, the only problem I have with them is that they don't really address deeper issues women might with themselves, so its all just an act.
Click to expand...

I agree...was going to come in here and post that the books and rules really don't do n e thing if you yourself as a person don't know how to execute them....when it comes down to even playin games its because of underlying issues on each side (male and female)...I don't knock the game because people can learn from playin them.....but always remember

when you have to play games with people.....its all really psychology, ego and manipulation and everybody no matter how many books they read or rules they follow will NOT be able to be that person that can get into somebody's head......

if the person u try to play with isn't into playin them you will be SOL and they will recognize it and be out....these are the men on a slightly elevated mindstate level and probably more worth while than the dudes who fall for the game......and hence if you are into playing them you won't vibe with them, you will vibe with men on your level

the other person is up on game and turns it back on you and it backfires because they are just smarter, more manipulative and execute better

we tend to play games with people for a whole array of different issues deep seeded in the self that have nothing to do with the other person
 
I haven't read the book although am familiar with some of the principles and rules... is it really game playing though? Or is it just setting limits, standards and boundaries for how you will be treated?

  • "I won't have some man sittin' up in my house night after night watching TV! He will take me out and show ME a good time."
  • "He needs to put forth effort into the relationship by initiating dates and phone calls!"
  • "He needs to be so interested in my time that he makes an effort to reserve it early."
  • "I make sure he doesn't take me or my availability for granted by my always being accessible!"
 
jrae said:
I haven't read the book although am familiar with some of the principles and rules... is it really game playing though? Or is it just setting limits, standards and boundaries for how you will be treated?

  • "I won't have some man sittin' up in my house night after night watching TV! He will take me out and show ME a good time."
  • "He needs to put forth effort into the relationship by initiating dates and phone calls!"
  • "He needs to be so interested in my time that he makes an effort to reserve it early."
  • "I make sure he doesn't take me or my availability for granted by my always being accessible!"
Click to expand...

when you have your limits and boundaries set.....and your self esteem and sense of self iintact there won't be a need to play games...you will be able to intuitively know whos feeling you , whose not.....and there won't be n e reason to try to play a game with him to act a certain way...he just will.....especially if you make it known what you are about from the jump...he can choose to be that man or walk away......if he walks wave goodbye....thats when you will know you are out of the game playing stage and be in full power of self and attract to you those who don't need any urging, manipulation or mind tricks to be in your presence....they cater to you, your expressed needs and desires because they consciously choose to
 
tmichelle said:
I'm married already so I'm not part of the challenge, but I do like the concept of not straining yourself to find a man, as well as the fact that YOU are a prize. You should not ever let anyone or encourage men to take you for granted!

While I don't believe in hard set "rules" per se, I totally agree with the philosophy behind them. I wish all of you the best in this challenge!!!
Click to expand...

I think this is key:yep:. When I first got married people would say how "lucky" I was to have gotten a smart, ambitious guy, and when I quit working I was even "luckier," but I never bought into it, I would never let myself or others forget how blessed we both were. Whenever someone said you are so lucky I would say we both are and they would sometimes be taken aback but I didn't care because I always saw myself as a gift and precious despite the talk of a man shortage and how hard it can be for black women. I really think my high regard for myself (and my optimism) is one of the things that attracted my dh to me.
 
tiara76 said:
when you have your limits and boundaries set.....and your self esteem and sense of self iintact there won't be a need to play games...you will be able to intuitively know whos feeling you , whose not.....and there won't be n e reason to try to play a game with him to act a certain way...he just will.....especially if you make it known what you are about from the jump...he can choose to be that man or walk away......if he walks wave goodbye....thats when you will know you are out of the game playing stage and be in full power of self and attract to you those who don't need any urging, manipulation or mind tricks to be in your presence....they cater to you, your expressed needs and desires because they consciously choose to
Click to expand...

I agree. What the Rules help women to do is recognize where they do not fully value themselves, their time, etc. They help women to see that they essentially broadcast to men that they really aren't worthy to be pursued, and that they would be lucky if the guy even returned a phone call. The Rules help women to balance their self-worth with the worth they give men.

Where the Rules do seem to be simply games is where the woman is focusing on holding all the power in the relationship. If done with the wrong mindset, some rules can seem to be done in order to make the man insecure in the relationship so the woman can capitalize on that. Other things, like only sometimes returning phone calls, seem discourteous if not rude. (you don't have to jump at the phone, but returning a call is simply polite). Lovers should at least be friends, and friends treat each other with respect.
 
tiara76 said:
when you have your limits and boundaries set.....and your self esteem and sense of self iintact there won't be a need to play games...you will be able to intuitively know whos feeling you , whose not.....and there won't be n e reason to try to play a game with him to act a certain way...he just will.....especially if you make it known what you are about from the jump...he can choose to be that man or walk away......if he walks wave goodbye....thats when you will know you are out of the game playing stage and be in full power of self and attract to you those who don't need any urging, manipulation or mind tricks to be in your presence....they cater to you, your expressed needs and desires because they consciously choose to
Click to expand...

:yep: Yes, definitely.... but for women who don't realize all this yet, this book is for them. Consequently, many, many men don't know how to treat a woman. When a woman makes certain requirements for how she will be treated, that teaches the man what a LADY expects. Honestly, I think its a win-win. A man who doesn't learn the lesson, loses out. The man who does, wins a woman who requires respect and their relationship is the better for it.
 
jrae said:
:yep: Yes, definitely.... but for women who don't realize all this yet, this book is for them. Consequently, many, many men don't know how to treat a woman. When a woman makes certain requirements for how she will be treated, that teaches the man what a LADY expects. Honestly, I think its a win-win. A man who doesn't learn the lesson, loses out. The man who does, wins a woman who requires respect and their relationship is the better for it.
Click to expand...

I agree mama....the game is definitely needed in order to learn and grow in life imo...i think men and women can elevate themselves from certain experiences, and can even find their mates from playing them.....I played games before and I picked up from them to build upon my own character....I was the girl as my best friend referred to me as who caused dudes to be bitter and I used to get over on dudes for no real reason except to be excessively power ego tripping...

I definitely learned alot about myself, who I wanted to be, who I didn't want to be from deliberate manipulation of others, playing games, gettin in their heads and I've had a couple people in my head that also helped me evolve.....so I definitely don't thinks its a bad thing, especially since so many people aren't popping out the womb as evolved christlike buddha beings to where we know who we are from the get go.....
 
Well.... I'm still going to do "The Rules". Call it a little "experiment" if you will. ;)

Obviously my way hasn't been working, so I'm trying something new on for size. :look:

I really don't think it's game-playing. I think it really has more to do with respecting and loving yourself enough to not take crap from guys who are trying to do the bare minimum to get you. Oh sure, it's EASY to do "the Rules" with guys you aren't interested in. :yep: You don't even pay them any mind. You're naturally doing "the Rules". But it's harder to do the rules when you REALLY REALLY like a guy! That's what this challenge is about. Being able to do the rules so well, that when you DO meet that guy that makes your heart go pitter-patter, or makes your knees get weak, you can still do the rules effortlessly because it is who you have become.

It's not about being mean, aloof, or playing games... it's about slowing down, relaxing, and letting a GUY take the reins and pursue YOU! When you really like a guy it can be hard to use self-control and not do things for him, not be extra nice/afraid to offend. For some girls this way of acting comes naturally. But for other "nice girls" (like me), we need a set of rules/guidelines to keep us "in check" so we don't fall too easily and become TOO lenient and accepting of a guy we're already into. :D

So...nobody else wants to do the challenge?? :look:
 
Last edited:
Highly Favored8 said:
Okay, I am going to Barnes and Noble in about an hour. They have the book for me on hold. I been engaged to my EX-Fiance for 4 years I am so like WTH. I am also Re-Reading why Men Love Bit**#! So, yes, I am up for it.
Click to expand...


Why men love BIs is a great book, I suggest using both hand in hand. I am up for this challenge!
 
I'll join the challenge, however I seem to do this naturally.
 
Crystalicequeen123 said:
Well.... I'm still going to do "The Rules". Call it a little "experiment" if you will. ;)

Obviously my way hasn't been working, so I'm trying on something new for size. :look:

I really don't think it's game-playing. I think it really has more to do with respecting and loving yourself enough to not take crap from guys who are trying to do the bare minimum to get you. Oh sure, it's EASY to do "the Rules" with guys you aren't interested in. :yep: You don't even pay them any mind. You're naturally doing "the Rules". But it's harder to do the rules when you REALLY REALLY like a guy! That's what this challenge is about. Being able to do the rules so well, that when you DO meet that guy that makes your heart go pitter-patter, or makes your knees get weak, you can still do the rules effortlessly because it is who you have become.

It's not about being mean, aloof, or playing games... it's about slowing down, relaxing, and letting a GUY take the reins and pursue YOU! When you really like a guy it can be hard to use self-control and not do things for him, not be extra nice/afraid to offend. For some girls this way of acting comes naturally. But for other "nice girls" (like me), we need a set of rules/guidelines to keep us "in check" so we don't fall too easily and become TOO lenient and accepting of a guy we're already into. :D

So...nobody else wants to do the challenge?? :look:
Click to expand...


Your summation is great! I am in because I follow the rules and the tips in why men love bi's until i think he understands or fear sets in...sad but true. I think that if we 'study' and support one another we all can have the man/men/love that we are destined for!!
 
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