SPINOFF: dating a man that has been BROKE FOR A LONG TIME...

kurlybella

kurlybella

Well-Known Member
this is a spinoff from my other hypothetical situation: http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=423368

say you meet a man and he takes you out.

you all date for a good month or two and you find yourself falling for him.

he has his things together or so you think. :look:

after dating for about four months, he tells you that he has bad credit and a bankruptcy and it's been that way for a while because of some things that happened to him that he could not help.

while dating, he takes you out. pays for things and makes sure you need nothing.

you even needed money for something you didn't have, and though you didn't ask for it, he pulled overtime to help you get it.

all the while he's working side jobs on the weekend to repair his credit and get himself together.

he is older than you and is in his late 30s - say 39 and you are early 20s - say 26.

what would you do?

would you hold your man down or would you leave to find someone "better"?

would it bother you that he is older with financial problems? does being older with financial problems make you look at someone differently?

should a woman date a man based off of his financial situation (less gold digging)?
 
I was recently in a position like that but I backed out because of my re-newed path of Faith.

After I did some evaluating I realized that he was not the one I would want to be with due to his problems (besides my re-newed path of Faith)

This is what his situation looked liked:
• Age 37
• Un-employed due to an injury (he had to step down and he is fighting his case in court:rolleyes:)
• He has a 12 year old daughter
• Living with his brother (He rented apartments all his adult life and this past summer his apartment caught fire, which is another legal case:rolleyes:)
• Bad credit (I even volunteered to help clean up his credit)

He has done things for me in the past which I can not over look however because he is older than me I feel he should have had a back up plan, and not only that but he was bad with his money when he was on his feet.

OP to answer your questions: ( my Faith aside)

would it bother you that he is older with financial problems? Yes

does being older with financial problems make you look at someone differently? Yes

should a woman date a man based off of his financial situation (less gold digging)? I think a woman should date on her level if she has her stuff together than her man should too especially if he is older than her ( like in my case)
 
no.
i can be single.
i'm not "holding" any man down that is 13 years older then me. call me shallow.
 
If his only problem is bad credit and bankruptcy that should'nt automatically be a deal breaker.

Credit scores can fluctuate up or down quickly. Credit can be repaired and with continued good credit practices your score can drastically improve in less than a year.
As long as his character shows he has good financial sense from here on out, then I don't see a problem.

And the fact that he's working side jobs to repair his credit says something too.
 
Maybe I feel this way cause I'm young, but I just can't see myself dealing with a man with all these caveats from the get go. I gotta deal with a bunch of other stuff on top of the normal relationship stuff? Can't do it. I would just keep looking.
 
I hate to say it, but I couldn't do it. If I'm dating someone at 26 I'm going to eventually want the "life" - marriage, family, etc, and that isn't going to work if we're constantly having financial problems. And at age 39, it doesn't look like that situation would improve anytime soon.
 
Welp,
i've done it. The man was 40... had a 3 year old child that he was sending to private school and was just getting his finances into order at this point in his life, through years of mis spending.

When we dated... they were cheap dates, wine and pizza.. but it was fun, i can't deny.. he was fun..
We ended up breaking up for different reasons though, ... none of the reasons were monetary, interestingly enough.
 
This is a good question.

My SO is quite a bit older than me and has a precarious financial situation due to his being in a low earning field. Even with the extra certificate he went back and earned to improve his prospects, he will never make a lot of money.

Of course, if he had higher-paying potential, I would be much more comfortable, not because I expect him to support us both, but because I believe the U.S. is a scary place to try to make it without a goodly income (I'm speaking specifically of health care and education costs, which are breathtakingly expensive).

HOWEVER...

My SO is also extremely responsible financially. I mean, he really puts me to shame with his working of multiple jobs, saving and setting aside every month, spending the bare minimum on necesseties and buying nothing for pleasure or entertainment, etc. He constantly checks my spending. He has never asked me or anyone else for money in his life; others come to him seeking loans because they know how much he always has his stuff together.

So, my answer is, yes, there are circumstances in which I feel you can safely form a partnership with a man in a less-desirable financial situation. You have to tread carefully and keep a careful emotional distance at first lest you get sucked into a reenactment of Destiny Child's "Bills, Bills, Bills."

I am wary of the fact that your man has several other things going against him (bankruptcy and credit), though like another poster said, there is the possibility that he made bad choices in the past and has learned his lesson from them.

There is no reason you have to make him any promises now, is there? You can see him casually for a little while (along with other people if you want) and try to gauge whether or not he's really pulling himself out of the hole. If you sense he doesn't have his heart in it or he's making excuses, you can then back out gracefully.

GOod luck!
 
I have to say why'd it take him four months to come out with it? I feel like men that do stuff like that are trapping you. Hoping you'll fall for them and then have to deal with whatever they throw your way. I'd leave just for that reason alone. I've been in a situation previously where a guy KNEW what I did NOT want in a relationship because I had said so on previous occasions. Surprise 5 months later he's like you know how you said you'd never date a guy with a kid, who was over ten years older than you, and a guy who was previously married (I was 19 at the time so those requirements made sense) well april fools!

April fools on him. I never called him again. I had to delete all his pitiful sorry messages. He KNEW what I wanted and still lied so that he could make me fall for him first before springing all this baggage on me. And did I mention he LIED about his age? Told me he was 24 when he was 32 (aged well but screw that! I HATE liars), and that was already pushing it for me at the time as I was 19.

So any guy who springs on suprises like they don't know what's up, need to forget about it because I'm like BYE!
 
I would advice you to move on.

Not only because he's broke, but being caught up in legal matters etc is a sign he likes being the "victim" and that's not sexy to me.

He has some soul searching to do and at his age it's not going to come easy :nono:
 
I don't have good credit, so I'd have a lot of nerve turning my nose up at a guy because his credit wasn't spotless. However, I'm currently trying to clean up my credit, and I would expect a potential mate to be doing the same. I will say that at my age, if I met an older guy who didn't have his financial affairs straight and was making one bad financial choice after another, I would go in the other direction FAST because for me you're talking about a guy who would be in his 50s. By the time you reach your 50s, at the very least you should be successfully turning around bad financial choices you made in your younger years.

And if 50-year-old Mr. Potential Right is living with his parents or some other relative, he might as well don't even bother to tell me what time it is.
 
I don't understand why a woman has to be a gold digger if she wants a man to be financially right. Stop listening to these dudes talking please.
 
I think the thing to remember too is that while you're thinking about how his financial situation will effect you, he's thinking the same thing about you. Maybe not in terms of, "I want her to pay for XYZ" but "broke" men are sensitive to the fact that women may not desire them as readily.

You just have to be careful. Because a man in this situation has something to gain (if only ego boost) in getting you to accept and "help" him.

If he is working to get out of the situation and he is telling and showing you that he can afford you a lifestyle that you're happy about - then roll with it. But if deep down you want more than he seems to want, don't waste his time or yours, IMO.
 
Lboogie said:
I've never been a gold digger (gold is played anyway) but I never messed with a broke dude.
Click to expand...

Girl, you betta stockpile that gold with this weak dollar. :wink2:

But seriously, if I were a man, I wouldn't even date if I had financial issues. That's just asking for more problems.
 
The most important thing is that he treats you well, has learned from his financial mistakes of the past and is working hard to rectify those mistakes. Judging from everything you said he seems to be doing those things. Bankruptcy isn’t always filed by people who don’t know how to handle their finances. I’ve known people who filed for bankruptcy because they had a business go under. A dear friend of mine recently filed for bankruptcy because she is going through a divorce and her attorney recommended she file for bankruptcy to free herself from any financial obligations her husband has. On the other side of the coin, I know someone else who filed for bankruptcy simply because he did not manage his finances well. He had a very nice job and made very good money, but he was all about outward appearances. He lived above his means and then some and yet he does not seem to have a hard time attracting women because all they see is his car, clothes and what they think he can do for them. Yes, it takes a long time to bounce back from bankruptcy, but it can be done. Sometimes people miss their blessing because they are too quick to pass up something because of its current situation.
 
Girl i would run like a bat out of hell.
I dont have time to waste with a grown arse broke man no no no
Everything is not about money but you need it to survive

i remember when my Stepfather said yo me oh you going to be with someone for love and i said yes the man laughed at me and said with that thought people are going to know you as the PRETTY BROKE GIRL who lives at the corner house


That coming from a man is like well dyam nope not me
 
Nope. 1: I've never been into older guys 2: If I did date older he's have to be sucessful in his chose field otherwise I might as well fool with a guy my own age.
 
kurlybella said:
this is a spinoff from my other hypothetical situation: http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=423368

say you meet a man and he takes you out.

you all date for a good month or two and you find yourself falling for him.

he has his things together or so you think. :look:

after dating for about four months, he tells you that he has bad credit and a bankruptcy and it's been that way for a while because of some things that happened to him that he could not help.

while dating, he takes you out. pays for things and makes sure you need nothing.

you even needed money for something you didn't have, and though you didn't ask for it, he pulled overtime to help you get it.

all the while he's working side jobs on the weekend to repair his credit and get himself together.

he is older than you and is in his late 30s - say 39 and you are early 20s - say 26.
Click to expand...

what would you do? RUN and not look back!!!

would you hold your man down or would you leave to find someone "better"? Before he could ever became my man, we would've had that financial talk and been nexted.

would it bother you that he is older with financial problems? does being older with financial problems make you look at someone differently?
Absolutely!! I'm in my 40s, so for me an older dude needs to have his finances well in place since he is much closer to retirement. I've been very careful with what I've earned in my career and would not take a chance like this.

should a woman date a man based off of his financial situation (less gold digging)? I don't consider a woman who considers finances up front a gold digger. I consider her smart. Why waste time, effort and emotions on a guy that cannot meet your needs?



luckiestdestiny said:
I have to say why'd it take him four months to come out with it? I feel like men that do stuff like that are trapping you. Hoping you'll fall for them and then have to deal with whatever they throw your way. I'd leave just for that reason alone. I've been in a situation previously where a guy KNEW what I did NOT want in a relationship because I had said so on previous occasions. Surprise 5 months later he's like you know how you said you'd never date a guy with a kid, who was over ten years older than you, and a guy who was previously married (I was 19 at the time so those requirements made sense) well april fools!

April fools on him. I never called him again. I had to delete all his pitiful sorry messages. He KNEW what I wanted and still lied so that he could make me fall for him first before springing all this baggage on me. And did I mention he LIED about his age? Told me he was 24 when he was 32 (aged well but screw that! I HATE liars), and that was already pushing it for me at the time as I was 19.

So any guy who springs on suprises like they don't know what's up, need to forget about it because I'm like BYE!
Click to expand...

Exactly, it might have taken him 4 months to think about bringing it up (make no mistake; this is a calculated move) but it surely wouldn't have taken me 4 months to start reading the signs and asking my own questions. Guys lie all the time about their kids and what kind of lifestyle they have, trying to reel you in before the truth gets out.
 
I would not date him.

He's too old not to have it together; I already spent time "holding someone down" and am never going to do it again unless it's my husband.

I met a man that was in his early 40's this summer, but he didn't have a degree and was making less than my first year teacher salary.

It just wasn't enough, at his age :nono:.
 
biancaelyse said:
Exactly, it might have taken him 4 months to think about bringing it up (make no mistake; this is a calculated move) but it surely wouldn't have taken me 4 months to start reading the signs and asking my own questions. Guys lie all the time about their kids and what kind of lifestyle they have, trying to reel you in before the truth gets out.
Click to expand...

IA besides when dating falling love within 4 months is not a smart move (I knw you cant choose who and when to fall in love but you can control how you react to it) this is the time to still be getting to know the other person
 
I don't think a real man would pursue a woman until he was in a place financially to fully support her and a family should they marry. My fear would be all this extra that he is doing now is just to okey doke me and if we were to marry he would have no problem throwing all financial burdens on my shoulder. <------ I know soooo many couples like this. It really has me fearful of marrying a man of a certain persuasion...

The conversation should be I HAD financial problems not I HAVE financial problems. If you a mess financially, why in the heck are you trying to talk to me? I'm not tethering myself for life to a schmuck with my eyes freakin' wide open. Boy bye!
 
I wouldn't give a woman the side eye who is willing to "work with a man" who is in his 20's. I wouldn't do it but I wouldn't judge those who make such a choice. A dude dang near 40?!?! Hecky naw! If you don't have it together by now, you ain't gon' never get it together! Ugh! And these ninja's be the main ones trying to get after young woman too! Ugh!!!
 
This is a tough one. But for me, they have to have it together financially. They are suppose to be head of household so if anyone out of the 2 of us that should have their stuff together it's definitely the man. If they don't have it together before the marriage that is a indicator of what will be during the marriage.
 
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