Spinoff-- Can a Relationship Overcome Domestic Violence??

Cincysweetie

Cincysweetie

Well-Known Member
I was thinking about this after spending some time in the Juanita Bynum thread in ENT...and got to wondering if a relationship can every truly overcome domestic violence? I was raised to believe that if a man hits you once, he will do it again...so you leave b/c the relationship will always be abusive. I also had a friend in college who once confided in me after the first time I met her parents that her father used to abuse her mother. She claimed that it did eventually stop and hadn't happened in years. At the time, I wanted to believe her...especially since her parents SEEMED to be a sweet, loving couple...but found it really hard to accept that if he did it in the past he wouldn't do it again. But maybe her family was the exception to the rule...

So my questions are:
1. Can a relationship overcome domestic violence? If so, what does it take to overcome the violence and form a lasting, healthy relationship? Religion and prayer, counseling or rehabilitation?

2. Did you or anyone you know overcome domestic violence in a relationship? If so, how did you or the couple go about it?

3. And I know most people (especially those who have never been in the situation) will publicy say that they would leave their mate if an abusive incident happened, but is there any circumstance where you would stay and work on your relationship?
 
If it was me I would no, but I know my parents relationship survived it. I Don't want to give alot of details, but things happened, and it was only through anger management, a separation, alongwith spiritual interference, and regular counseling that they got through it. I don't think this is for everyone, but it worked for them eventhough it takes along time to overcome that hurt, and trust the other person, and you have to know the other person is changing, and see the fruits of that change.
 
I'm one of those who always says "if you've never been through it then you can't really say how you will react" BUT for me personally some things are just not fixable and if a man put his hands on me I really don't think I could get over that. I may try to go the counseling route, but at the end of the day I know me and I would not be able to sleep in the same bed at night with someone who thought I was less than nothing, because for me that is what someone would have to think in order to put their hands on you in an abusive manner. So for me all of the answers are "no"!
 
bLackButtaFly said:
If it was me I would no, but I know my parents relationship survived it. I Don't want to give alot of details, but things happened, and it was only through anger management, a separation, alongwith spiritual interference, and regular counseling that they got through it. I don't think this is for everyone, but it worked for them eventhough it takes along time to overcome that hurt, and trust the other person, and you have to know the other person is changing, and see the fruits of that change.
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BlackButtafly, thank you for sharing your story. A part of me believes that people do change and I refuse to think that people are always and forever one particular way (good or bad). I do want to believe that rehabilitation can help change people if they really want to change, but just like with your parents it probably would take a lot of work and time.
 
bLackButtaFly said:
If it was me I would no, but I know my parents relationship survived it. I Don't want to give alot of details, but things happened, and it was only through anger management, a separation, alongwith spiritual interference, and regular counseling that they got through it. I don't think this is for everyone, but it worked for them eventhough it takes along time to overcome that hurt, and trust the other person, and you have to know the other person is changing, and see the fruits of that change.
Click to expand...

Same here, I think I'd leave, but my parents overcame it. I remember as a little girl seeing my mom with black eyes and actually came in on him hitting my mom. Oddly enough, I still loved my dad sooo much. However he was an alcoholic. Once he stopped 20 years ago, he's never hit her and their relationship gets better with age. They've been married for 40 years now. But...I do think that is more old school. Keeping family business private and not just leaving a marriage. My mom would have never left my dad...when when he told her to. The liquor made him mean to her, but never to his kids...
 
No. unless you practice Madea's rule. Lose your mind one good time so far you scare your own darn self and whoop his arse." But on the real no.
 
I think a relationship can overcome dv but not any that I may ever be a part of. I don't have tolerance for that and wouldn't be able to work through it with him.
 
I was in an abusive relationship twenty years ago. I had to learn the hard way and believe me it won't happen again. I don't care how much praying and spiritual counseling a person does or claims to do. :nono: I've been in that story already and won't be flipping to the beginning for a retelling.

If a man harms me, the relationship is over. Period.
 
Yes but he has to want to. My aunt and uncle did once they had a baby. I didn't even know it used to happen until my mom told me. It was kind of unspoken years ago but everybody knew it happened. Once they had her he stopped. And the way their daughter is she would jump in if something did go down. Even if he says something out of line she says something.
 
Cichelle said:
I was in an abusive relationship twenty years ago. I had to learn the hard way and believe me it won't happen again. I don't care how much praying and spiritual counseling a person does or claims to do. :nono: I've been in that story already and won't be flipping to the beginning for a retelling.

If a man harms me, the relationship is over. Period.
Click to expand...


Yup. I loved my husband and tried the whole christian counseling thing knowing in my gut that I did not want it to work out. I would forever have doubts as to how he would handle conflict in the future. A line had been crossed and I fell out of love with him after the very first incident.
 
reallynow said:
I'm one of those who always says "if you've never been through it then you can't really say how you will react" BUT for me personally some things are just not fixable and if a man put his hands on me I really don't think I could get over that. So for me all of the answers are "no"!
Click to expand...
I may try to go the counseling route, but at the end of the day I know me and I would not be able to sleep in the same bed at night with someone who thought I was less than nothing, because for me that is what someone would have to think in order to put their hands on you in an abusive manner.
Ditto

no
no
no
 
Possibly. But I don't think I'd be willing to take the risk.

Too many women stick with an abusive guy thinking it will be the only time or the last time and end up dead.
 
MzLady78 said:
Possibly. But I don't think I'd be willing to take the risk.

Too many women stick with an abusive guy thinking it will be the only time or the last time and end up dead.
Click to expand...

Agree. Yea there is a slim chance it may be the last time but what if it isn't, then watcha gonna do? ...and even if it was and never happened again how can things really ever be the same?
 
Its easy for me to sit up in here and say 'no'. And I believe that no, a relationship can't survive domestic abuse. I wince when I see a man hit a woman in the movies. the psychological damage is profound.

But that doesn't mean that these answers are gonna be there when I need it. I'm a very romantic person and I want to see a relationship survive. I dont have a 'line' now in marriage- I want to believe its forever. So I'm pretty sure that I'm going to be very stubborn about it.

I'll learn
 
reallynow said:
I'm one of those who always says "if you've never been through it then you can't really say how you will react" BUT for me personally some things are just not fixable and if a man put his hands on me I really don't think I could get over that. I may try to go the counseling route, but at the end of the day I know me and I would not be able to sleep in the same bed at night with someone who thought I was less than nothing, because for me that is what someone would have to think in order to put their hands on you in an abusive manner. So for me all of the answers are "no"!
Click to expand...

I don't have to have fallen before, to tell you I would get back up.
 
Cincysweetie said:
BlackButtafly, thank you for sharing your story. A part of me believes that people do change and I refuse to think that people are always and forever one particular way (good or bad). I do want to believe that rehabilitation can help change people if they really want to change, but just like with your parents it probably would take a lot of work and time.
Click to expand...

And i'm not saying it's right for everyone, and at the time this stuff was happening I didn't think it was right for my mom, and she can't even tell me now why she stayed, but she did. I don't think ppl are always one way either. Ppl really can change, but they have to want to. If they don't then there's no point staying. It does take time, and time apart. There was no alcohol or drugs involved in my step father's behavior which I think made it even harder for me to understand. It took alot out of our family, and there are still issues, but the change that my step father has gone through is amazing. He has made acomplete turnaround, and is almost unrecognizable to how he used to be. If someone was going through a situation like my family's I would NEVER encourage them to stay though, for the record.
 
I think that it is possible with counseling and dedication. However, I would not be able to stay with him while he works it out. After he abused me the first time, I would not trust him any longer. Once you hurt me or anyone I love, I will never trust you again.
 
..and for the record, we get along really well now (reminisent of before we were married) and he loves his daughter and I make sure they get enough time together....we just can't be married anymore.
 
bLackButtaFly said:
And i'm not saying it's right for everyone, and at the time this stuff was happening I didn't think it was right for my mom, and she can't even tell me now why she stayed, but she did. I don't think ppl are always one way either. Ppl really can change, but they have to want to. If they don't then there's no point staying. It does take time, and time apart. There was no alcohol or drugs involved in my step father's behavior which I think made it even harder for me to understand. It took alot out of our family, and there are still issues, but the change that my step father has gone through is amazing. He has made acomplete turnaround, and is almost unrecognizable to how he used to be. If someone was going through a situation like my family's I would NEVER encourage them to stay though, for the record.
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I was going to mention that earlier when I first responded to your post, the need for time apart. I hadn't thought of that, but it makes sense that the couple probably would need time apart in order for the abuser to work out his/her problems. And like you said, the person has to WANT to change and work hard to do it.

So what if the person is abusive strictly when under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol? Addiction is a sickness and what if the person goes through treatment and stops using? I wonder if that would make a difference for some? I think someone mentioned a scenario like this earlier in the thread. But then I guess that raises a whole different issue of sticking with someone who abuses drugs and/or alcohol.
 
Cichelle said:
I was in an abusive relationship twenty years ago. I had to learn the hard way and believe me it won't happen again. I don't care how much praying and spiritual counseling a person does or claims to do. :nono: I've been in that story already and won't be flipping to the beginning for a retelling.

If a man harms me, the relationship is over. Period.
Click to expand...

I'm with Cichelle. I've been there...done that and, quite frankly I just don't have the wherewithall to put up with it. Sure, he may be redeemable...but not on my dime; nor that of my children. My exH BEGGED for us to work it out...promised to get counseling; etc. But the damage was DONE. Mine and the health and safety of my children is NOT up for discussion. Period.
 
No x3.

Abusers and stalkers don't stop... they may change the behavior but focus the negative energy in a different yet still negative way *ie he doesn't punch you anymore but he'll smash your car windows out*...

OR they escalate.

IE...kill.
 
Cincysweetie said:
So my questions are:
1. Can a relationship overcome domestic violence? If so, what does it take to overcome the violence and form a lasting, healthy relationship? Religion and prayer, counseling or rehabilitation?
Click to expand...

Yes it depends on what happened. Sometimes a person can do something out of anger and not habit or mental illness like someone of the ladies are expressing on the thread. When it's just one time only, I have heard of it not happening again (I can only take their word for it). But, I've also seen habitual abusers never get better - forcing their partners to leave the marriage. In the instance of it never happening again, I know the person had to want to do better and work HARDER than their partner at controlling themselves. In many cases, the abuser is not up to the challenge of change. They are too stuck in the cycle (i.e. "Baby forgive me" then "You deserve to get hit" then "Baby forgive me")

Cincysweetie said:
2. Did you or anyone you know overcome domestic violence in a relationship? If so, how did you or the couple go about it?
Click to expand...
Yes. But it was a one instance type situation that supposedly took lots of self reflection, prayer, and support. I was told by the abuser that anger management and career counseling helped channel their emotions and handle their problems that made them feel overwhelmed.

Cincysweetie said:
3. And I know most people (especially those who have never been in the situation) will publicy say that they would leave their mate if an abusive incident happened, but is there any circumstance where you would stay and work on your relationship?
Click to expand...

Yes. If it is a one time occurance, that's no reason to pack up and leave immediately. From what I have heard/seen, it can be worked through if the person is willing and is not caught up in a cycle of abuse/has a history of abuse.
 
Cincysweetie said:
So what if the person is abusive strictly when under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol? Addiction is a sickness and what if the person goes through treatment and stops using? I wonder if that would make a difference for some? I think someone mentioned a scenario like this earlier in the thread. But then I guess that raises a whole different issue of sticking with someone who abuses drugs and/or alcohol.
Click to expand...

That was my situation, but I feel that the drugs and alcohol only revealed a tendancy there was there. He hit rock bottom and is clean now, but like stated, the damage is done.
 
Jus wanted to say Classy ND has a very fresh perspective, not yay or nay, but wise and well thought out. Its refreshing..

Carry on:lachen:
 
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