Spinny: Why is IR dating so common on LHCF??
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BeautifulFlower
Well-Known Member
Well...my 2 cents....
The women on here for the most part (of what I can tell) are on the "educated" end of the spectrum. Educated black women are most likely to enter interracial relationships because you are exposed to a variety of men in the workplace and in school. You circle of friends tend to be multi-cultural, multi-racial. So, dating interracial becomes an option if other races of men are attractive to you.
The women on here for the most part (of what I can tell) are on the "educated" end of the spectrum. Educated black women are most likely to enter interracial relationships because you are exposed to a variety of men in the workplace and in school. You circle of friends tend to be multi-cultural, multi-racial. So, dating interracial becomes an option if other races of men are attractive to you.
I don't like to "out" myself as an interracial dater but meh, I'll bite since yall don't know me. For me personally, I just couldn't find a black man who wanted to settle down with me. That's not to say that all white guys are/were marriage minded and having dated a number of white guys I can never say that white men treated me better. In fact, one of the biggest dogs was white. All that said my current SO appreciates me in every way. He makes me feel like a queen, he tells me I'm his queen and loves me more than I love myself.
I used to wish he was black, but I realized how stupid that was. He loves me for all that I am and I have learned to do the same (pasty skin which burns in the sun and all)
I'm going to tentatively venture to say that on this board, most women are seeking men who want to settle down and with ever decreasing numbers of available black men, women here are exercising their options. Coupled with (what I perceive) the higher educational level of black women here, I think those who do branch out do so because they want to meet their intellectual equal and again because of lack of available black men who meet this criteria, they end up with a non black man.
Off topic slightly, I really hate how I've observed women who date white men seem to love dogging out the brothers, so I really hope this thread doesn't take that direction.
I used to wish he was black, but I realized how stupid that was. He loves me for all that I am and I have learned to do the same (pasty skin which burns in the sun and all)
I'm going to tentatively venture to say that on this board, most women are seeking men who want to settle down and with ever decreasing numbers of available black men, women here are exercising their options. Coupled with (what I perceive) the higher educational level of black women here, I think those who do branch out do so because they want to meet their intellectual equal and again because of lack of available black men who meet this criteria, they end up with a non black man.
Off topic slightly, I really hate how I've observed women who date white men seem to love dogging out the brothers, so I really hope this thread doesn't take that direction.
A lot of women on here are natural. There's a high correlation between natural black women and ir dating.
Also, a lot of women here like to keep themselves up due to the nature of this site ... hair, skin, fashion, and for some, a fit body.
I think when bw look and carry themselves a certain way, it increases their chances of attracting certain nbm.
Also, a lot of women here like to keep themselves up due to the nature of this site ... hair, skin, fashion, and for some, a fit body.
I think when bw look and carry themselves a certain way, it increases their chances of attracting certain nbm.
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BeautifulFlower
Well-Known Member
I really love and appreciate your honesty with the bolded.
I also have found WM to be more marriage minded than BM. BM want marriage but most talk about marrying in there mid-thirties and I AM NOT WAITING FOR YOU BROTHER.
I also have a personal love affair with brown skin so the "pasty"
skin is different but as long as he has a nice body, ill bite.
So far, they are men just like any other man but there are definitely differences that are great and others that take some getting used to.
I also have found WM to be more marriage minded than BM. BM want marriage but most talk about marrying in there mid-thirties and I AM NOT WAITING FOR YOU BROTHER.
I also have a personal love affair with brown skin so the "pasty"
skin is different but as long as he has a nice body, ill bite. So far, they are men just like any other man but there are definitely differences that are great and others that take some getting used to.
mischka
shrinkage.
Whoo... I still don't have my thoughts together on this subject but I'll give it a shot...
I want to cosign the other responses so far and agree that there is a correlation with higher educational/career success and the type of women who may have "moved on" from black men. I know that for me personally once I hit grad school, black men went poof. It was frustrating to be on my campus and see so few black men, but venture into the surrounding areas of the city and there they are looking... layabout. Plus, there is also the issue that if you have higher earning potential that also is going to decrease the amount of "equally yoked" black men. So it's twofold - lack of availability in general and lack of financially able in particular. Since women on LHCF appear to often have high powered or successful careers, they may find it hard to find similar black men.
Next... there is a culture of marriage on this forum, more than any other I've ever been on with a predominately black demographic, and posters may find that it's easier to pursue marriage with nonblack men.
Next... many women here have refused to have children out of wedlock (allegedly anyway) and these types of women may not be interested in men who have kids, which a lot of black men do.
Next... I laughed a little at the point about natural hair but I think there's some truth in that! I think the type of woman that is conscious enough to reject the prevalent culture in our community that we have to have straight hair and we're not beautiful without straight hair is likely to be conscious of many other political issues... and for this type of woman, many things about black men are unacceptable and therefore they are unsuitable partners.
Flamebaiting: to get good hurr for the kiddies.
Further flamebaiting... for women who want to be the best they can be in looks, career, material possessions, hair, (as most posters here are) a white man is just an additional status symbol.
i have more thoughts, im sure... but off the top of my head...
I want to cosign the other responses so far and agree that there is a correlation with higher educational/career success and the type of women who may have "moved on" from black men. I know that for me personally once I hit grad school, black men went poof. It was frustrating to be on my campus and see so few black men, but venture into the surrounding areas of the city and there they are looking... layabout. Plus, there is also the issue that if you have higher earning potential that also is going to decrease the amount of "equally yoked" black men. So it's twofold - lack of availability in general and lack of financially able in particular. Since women on LHCF appear to often have high powered or successful careers, they may find it hard to find similar black men.
Next... there is a culture of marriage on this forum, more than any other I've ever been on with a predominately black demographic, and posters may find that it's easier to pursue marriage with nonblack men.
Next... many women here have refused to have children out of wedlock (allegedly anyway) and these types of women may not be interested in men who have kids, which a lot of black men do.
Next... I laughed a little at the point about natural hair but I think there's some truth in that! I think the type of woman that is conscious enough to reject the prevalent culture in our community that we have to have straight hair and we're not beautiful without straight hair is likely to be conscious of many other political issues... and for this type of woman, many things about black men are unacceptable and therefore they are unsuitable partners.
Flamebaiting: to get good hurr for the kiddies.
Further flamebaiting... for women who want to be the best they can be in looks, career, material possessions, hair, (as most posters here are) a white man is just an additional status symbol.
i have more thoughts, im sure... but off the top of my head...
Cherokee-n-Black
Well-Known Member
Hmmm...I find it interesting also. I'm going to go with the educated angle, although to a complete outsider, hearing about a site dedicated to women of color growing their hair long and dating men outside their race might draw different a different correlation KWIM. It may also be that women who are natural are more self-accepting and therefore more comfortable going outside of what's conventional? That's just a shot in the dark. It is quite interesting.
hothair
Well-Known Member
Well I suspect the ladies in IR are a bit more active on here so you "hear" about their relationships more. Also I do believe a lot of the women on here are not the "typical black female" ie they are more open (did I say that?!) and experimental, I mean you need to have a certain mindset to decide against all odds/available info that you can grow long hair as a black woman, so that may also reflect in their/our attitudes in other aspects of our lives.
Disclaimer: DH is black infact we're from the exact same place- I pre-marriage did date outside my race/culture didn't really see it as a big deal as long as they're hot and you have things in common
) and experimental, I mean you need to have a certain mindset to decide against all odds/available info that you can grow long hair as a black woman, so that may also reflect in their/our attitudes in other aspects of our lives. Disclaimer: DH is black infact we're from the exact same place- I pre-marriage did date outside my race/culture didn't really see it as a big deal as long as they're hot and you have things in common
Cherokee-n-Black
Well-Known Member
That was just wrawng! Annnd...can be a complete and utter miscalculation. I've seen it...but at least this way there's a black mama dealing with the situation...
mischka
shrinkage.
I really love and appreciate your honesty with the bolded.
I also have found WM to be more marriage minded than BM. BM want marriage but most talk about marrying in there mid-thirties and I AM NOT WAITING FOR YOU BROTHER.
I also have a personal love affair with brown skin so the "pasty"
So far, they are men just like any other man but there are definitely differences that are great and others that take some getting used to.
You know, I don't know how I feel about these two things. For me, strictly based on aesthetics and the physical, I don't have any one preference over the other. I can work with it all. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of straight up being like "I wanted a black man but I couldn't find one, and I kind of resent that my husband is not black." For me, once I decided black men were not necessarily "where it's at" to just put it PC, that was it. I don't secretly lust after black men, and I won't get with a nonblack man wishing he were black. I think I just no longer value "black love" in that way anymore, and I wouldn't feel like I was missing anything to be with a nonblack man.
And I have to be upfront and say I don't miss a lot of the tenets of dating when I dated black men. In many ways, I had to put up with things that were disrespectful, insulting, and inconsiderate, in ways that were if not deliberate, seemed specifically indelible on his idea of what it meant to date. I'm talking about the idea that you want to have as many girls as you can get, complete indifference to the idea of "cheating", refusing to commit and wanting to string a woman along, just basically resisting everything about being in a grown up relationship. IME, I haven't had to play these games with nonblack men. It's just straight up like "let's see if we are compatible maybe we'll like each other maybe not and that's why we're dating." With black men it always feels like you personally don't really matter because he's just working on whatever way he can to get over on you somehow - whether it be financially, for sex, or for anything else that you can do for him. I don't want to imply that there are no problems dating nonblack men and they will treat you perfect, but I do think, comparative to the issues I've encountered with black men, a lot of THOSE SPECIFIC issues are no longer a concern.
I don't mean to bash black men when I talk about interracial dating but I'd be lying if I said there weren't issues specific to black men that helped me to decide I wanted to move on.
BeautifulFlower
Well-Known Member
Whats KWIM?
Windsy
New Member
Well while I agree with the educational level comments, I'll keep it real and say some if not most are band-waggoners.
Now before I get crucified......being a band-waggoner isn't a bad thing because most of us grew our hairs by being a band-waggoner, managed our weights, took our beauty maintenance up a notch and enhanced our mic rocking skills.
This is my whole hearted honest answer!!!
Now before I get crucified......being a band-waggoner isn't a bad thing because most of us grew our hairs by being a band-waggoner, managed our weights, took our beauty maintenance up a notch and enhanced our mic rocking skills.
This is my whole hearted honest answer!!!
BeautifulFlower
Well-Known Member
I am not saying that is my complex per say. But I find alot of women on here tend not to be honest about their reasons for doing certain things. Honesty is refreshing on this forum. WM are more marriage minded which I love and you have to have a fit body regardless of race with me. I'm a fitness junkie that way. *kayneshrug*
But yes, I do love brown skin. All shades. Its beautiful.
But if anyone knows me personally (which of course none of you do) I love men period. All kinds. All shades. They're nice to look at and fun to play with.
This was gonna be my response. I think alot of women here were dating, fed up with not getting anywhere and see alot of other ladies here IR dating and marrying and want that. Nothing wrong with that.
Windsy
New Member
BeautifulFlower
Well-Known Member
Is it band-waggonnin'? Or is it expanding options?
I ask because its one thing to just want a man, any man, as long has he will have you.
Its another thing if you realize you have options beyond your current circle.
I ask because its one thing to just want a man, any man, as long has he will have you.
Its another thing if you realize you have options beyond your current circle.
ackee walk
Well-Known Member
A lot of women on here are natural. There's a high correlation between natural black women and ir dating.
Also, a lot of women here like to keep themselves up due to the nature of this site ... hair, skin, fashion, and for some, a fit body.
wait, what? can you please explain? i don't think i understand what you're saying here. what certain kind of way do some of the bw on lhcf keep themselves up so that it increases their chances of attracting non-black men? and do you really mean for the related corollary to be true? that bw not on lhcf, or bw who do not keep themselves up in this "certain way" have a more difficult time attracting a non-black man in particular?
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mischka
shrinkage.
It sounded to me like a nice way of saying obese women probably would have a harder time dating men that are not black so they may stick with black men without exercising other options. White men in particular really don't fck with fat chicks (including white women) (yes that is a huge generalization and is not applicable to everyone ever)
BeautifulFlower
Well-Known Member
I dont know why but .... this made me die alittle on the inside.
Thanks for your honesty.Cherokee-n-Black
Well-Known Member
It's funny, I don't see these issues as specific to black men at all! White women complain about this even more than sisters do. I do, however, think if you expand your options beyond the black dating pool, strictly by the numbers you will expand your options period. I also don't think NBM will bother getting to know someone of another race outside of just hooking up if they're not really interested (and vice versa for black women), so maybe that's why there is a perceived higher success rate.
mischka
shrinkage.
I don't think that's an equal comparison simply because we probably treat people in our own race differently than we treat those outside of it. There's so much that goes into interracial relationships that in both directions we probably treat our partners differently than if we were the same race just in the interests of racial sensitivity (and I would say in general people who date interracially are likely to have an interest in acting sensitively to the race issue; the opposite only works if you think of interracial dating as nbm men wanting black women solely for sex or some other nefarious purpose when that's not the type of IRD I'm discussing, am interested in, or experienced). That being said, that just hasn't been my experience even though it may be true for others.
I'm not saying black men are the only men who cheat and use women. It could also be chalked up to the fact that I dated only black men while I was younger and started dating nonblack men when I got older... so it could just be as simple as age based immaturity. That also being said, given the types of things I perceive around me I'm not really interested in testing that theory.
What I really feel like is this... when I meet a black man there is no mystery that the bulk of his motivation is that he wants to sleep with me. IME there is a sleazy undertone and I generally feel as if I'm biding my time til he starts pressuring me for sex. Even if nonblack men are being purely motivated by sex, I don't feel like I'm being pressured into it and that's how it's different. I don't know if I'm the only one who feels that way but that is how I feel about it. I'm not saying all black men are sleazy so don't interpret it that way. I'm just saying that even my male friends who are supposed to be interested in my purely platonically would sleep with me in a heartbeat. I have always felt like there was an overemphasis on sex when I dated black men, and granted part of it may be because something about me incites that reaction, but it was hard for me to successfully discourage it. I didn't like it, and I didn't want it obscuring the idea of dating.
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Cherokee-n-Black
Well-Known Member
So are you saying you've written off black men completely?
mischka
shrinkage.
No. I am still open to the idea of dating black men. But I do believe if I date a black man there is low probability of him wanting to take the relationship in the direction of marriage and I would have low expectations for the relationship in return. I wouldn't expect it to go anywhere, basically.
UrbainChic
Well-Known Member
I don't know about everyone else, but for the bulk of my life my options have been NBM, the two guys in my class who I have nothing in common with (not even one BM in the workplace!!!!) or incest.
That is why I interracially date. I have dated Black men but I dont really have a preference in men other than "attractive", and that comes in all colors.
That is why I interracially date. I have dated Black men but I dont really have a preference in men other than "attractive", and that comes in all colors.
I think its pretty simple. LHCF represents a better educated/employed strata of the black community (compared to a random sampling). And there is a widely publicized (and held?) belief that better educated/employed BW are struggling to meet/maintain/marry BM. So folks are looking for other options rather than truly examine why they might be struggling.
That and, on LHCF, we'd rather discuss successful dating tactics with IR men than BM. Believing that equally yoked BM who are marriage minded and interested in Black women exist and discussing good relationships with BM on LHCF, can eat into one's LHCF street-cred...
That and, on LHCF, we'd rather discuss successful dating tactics with IR men than BM. Believing that equally yoked BM who are marriage minded and interested in Black women exist and discussing good relationships with BM on LHCF, can eat into one's LHCF street-cred...
mischka
shrinkage.
Something I've often wondered about people who have sentiments like yours (I have bad experiences therefore, they must be bad): The only consistency in your various relationships with BM is you. Why is automatically assumed that the variety in THEM is the reason why your attempts haven't yielded the results that you want...?
I've tried Pirelli's, Michelin's and BF Goodrich and still manage to wear out some tires in less than 15,000 miles. At some point, I had to come to grips with the fact that what was leading to my results was my driving.
ETA: In the end I decided I don't want to change my driving so I either find some tires that work or suck it up that I'm going to be spending $$$ on tires. And maybe, you're using the same logic. "I'm ok. How I meet whom I date, how I select whom I date, how I date etc is ok.". Which makes sense...
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mischka
shrinkage.
And the only consistency in my nb relationships is also me, which I would consider less stressful, more successful, and less hurtful. So should we examine that as well?
Please don't try to draw a parallel that doesn't exist. I know what my experiences have been and there have been marked differences in the way I feel I am being treated depending on who I date, and the difference is culture and upbringing and I'm the same person. I know you have an agenda to push but you need to find another target, because what you are doing is not only transparent but unfair. You know the type of demographic that would agree with you thus lending credibility to your words, so you make an example out of me, thus discrediting mine. You can accept that I have had unsuccessful experiences dating black men (because it's easy to put the blame on me because of that) but on the flip side I would like you to then accept that I have had more successful experiences dating non black men (which you would not like to accept because to do so by the same token of blaming me you would have to remove that blame, and it eliminates your point).
Either way, you're still trying to dictate what my experiences have and have not been in order to fit your point. It's rude.
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Lol, I was talking more about having ghetto mannerisms, fashion, and hair styles ... you know the lower echelon look.
I don't think appearing this way is going to appeal to most nbm. From the posts here, it doesn't seem like many are wearing apple bottom jeans, yelling in public, etc etc.Similar threads
