Spinny: Married ladies get in here!!!!

[Fine 4s]

You all say to us single ladies do NOT do things that are 'wifely' when we're just SOs &/or cohabitating. Well, for those a lil dense (like me) what are those things exactly IYO or In your expertise?

Household chores (kitchen, cooking, cleaning etc.):__________

In the bedroom/coloring etc.: ___________

Expenses/Financial: ________

Family/parenting assistance: ________

Please ladies, add any categories that are important in a partnership.

 

[BrickbyBrick]

Definitely financial stuff. Put that on lock


ETA: I should elaborate. Split costs when you can. Don't sign for car notes or mortgages, because if things go south with your relationship, you don't want those loans to come back and haunt you. Also, make sure you have a financial cushion if homeboy phlucks up. If things go great and you do get married, you should still keep a financial cushion.

 

[topnotch1010]

I agree. Keep you finances separated. I've been married 8 years and our finances are still separated. Some things just can't be left to chance.

I could be wrong but I thought people co-habitate to audition for marriage?! There is no way I'd be co-habitation just for the hell of it. Marriage better be down the road or else he's wasting my time. With that being said, IMO there's very little that's different between co-habitating and marriage (except the ring & big commitment). I'm an "all or nothing" type of person though. I don't half do anything. Either I'm all the way in or all the way out. Co-habitating with no clear direction would not satisfy me.

Sent from Topnotch1010's Samsung Galaxy Tablet using LHCF

 

[goldielocs]

Hello!!!


Household chores (kitchen, cooking, cleaning etc.): When I was dating my DH I did none of this... It was his house, not mine. I helped with the dishes once or twice when he was working late or he'd cooked dinner, but he KNEW that was a treat. I put all household chores/ homemaking in the "don't do until married" category. Respect his house and how he wants things, but don't volunteer to clean anything. If he asks for your opinion about decor, feel free to give it, but don't treat it like it's your house because it's not.

In the bedroom/coloring etc.: We were celibate so this was not an issue. There were some heavy petting sessions... on occassion... Looking back- I would have had sex with him. Our sex drives are completely opposite and this issue is the low point of our marriage. It's getting better, but girl.... Just don't assume that good sex equals a good husband. Looking back, it was best for me to be celibate with my DH because the quality of the sex would have turned me off. He spoils me in every other way so he's a keeper, but girl... patience is a virtue ESPECIALLY in the bedroom.

Expenses/Financial: They were seperate then and are seperate now except for household bills. We decide the amount we pay towards house hold bills upon the percentage we make towards the total income. Everything else is on the individual.

Family/parenting assistance: While we dated, I paid for my daughter's expenses. He didn't even see her until we'd dated for 6 months. I didn't want to confuse her because she was only 2 at the time. I think that children should not be a part of the relationship unless the people involved have seriously considered the possibility of marriage. Children are fragile and remember more than we think.

After we got engaged he started paying her daycare bill. I didn't ask him to though. I went to pay it when it was due and the lady said that he paid it and set up an automatic transfer to handle it from then on out. He was and still is a great dad. When he gave my engagement ring, he also gave my DD a necklace with a tiny ring with "daddy's girl" enscribed on it. He adopted her and that's his baby girl. She's spoiled rotten- lol.

I guess my best advice is to not assume a "wifey" position until he's offered it to you. If you give him everything before you get married then there's not much point to chasing you is it? No matter what they say, they do enjoy the chase- believe me....

 

[Fine 4s]

Hello!!!


Household chores (kitchen, cooking, cleaning etc.): When I was dating my DH I did none of this... It was his house, not mine. I helped with the dishes once or twice when he was working late or he'd cooked dinner, but he KNEW that was a treat. I put all household chores/ homemaking in the "don't do until married" category. Respect his house and how he wants things, but don't volunteer to clean anything. If he asks for your opinion about decor, feel free to give it, but don't treat it like it's your house because it's not.

In the bedroom/coloring etc.: We were celibate so this was not an issue. There were some heavy petting sessions... on occassion... Looking back- I would have had sex with him. Our sex drives are completely opposite and this issue is the low point of our marriage. It's getting better, but girl.... Just don't assume that good sex equals a good husband. Looking back, it was best for me to be celibate with my DH because the quality of the sex would have turned me off. He spoils me in every other way so he's a keeper, but girl... patience is a virtue ESPECIALLY in the bedroom.

Expenses/Financial: They were seperate then and are seperate now except for household bills. We decide the amount we pay towards house hold bills upon the percentage we make towards the total income. Everything else is on the individual.

Family/parenting assistance: While we dated, I paid for my daughter's expenses. He didn't even see her until we'd dated for 6 months. I didn't want to confuse her because she was only 2 at the time. I think that children should not be a part of the relationship unless the people involved have seriously considered the possibility of marriage. Children are fragile and remember more than we think.

After we got engaged he started paying her daycare bill. I didn't ask him to though. I went to pay it when it was due and the lady said that he paid it and set up an automatic transfer to handle it from then on out. He was and still is a great dad. When he gave my engagement ring, he also gave my DD a necklace with a tiny ring with "daddy's girl" enscribed on it. He adopted her and that's his baby girl. She's spoiled rotten- lol.

I guess my best advice is to not assume a "wifey" position until he's offered it to you. If you give him everything before you get married then there's not much point to chasing you is it? No matter what they say, they do enjoy the chase- believe me....

Great advice! I LOVE what your DH did for your DD to show his commitment to you and your family. What an upstanding man!

I'll have to consider some of these points. But wouldn't it be considered a lil' rude to not help with dishes if you eat and even cook at your SOs? It's something I'd do at a friends house too.

Interesting viewpoints. I'm grateful for being aware of these things now. Tks!

 

[madamdot]

Hello!!!


Household chores (kitchen, cooking, cleaning etc.): When I was dating my DH I did none of this... It was his house, not mine. I helped with the dishes once or twice when he was working late or he'd cooked dinner, but he KNEW that was a treat. I put all household chores/ homemaking in the "don't do until married" category. Respect his house and how he wants things, but don't volunteer to clean anything. If he asks for your opinion about decor, feel free to give it, but don't treat it like it's your house because it's not.

In the bedroom/coloring etc.: We were celibate so this was not an issue. There were some heavy petting sessions... on occassion... Looking back- I would have had sex with him. Our sex drives are completely opposite and this issue is the low point of our marriage. It's getting better, but girl.... Just don't assume that good sex equals a good husband. Looking back, it was best for me to be celibate with my DH because the quality of the sex would have turned me off. He spoils me in every other way so he's a keeper, but girl... patience is a virtue ESPECIALLY in the bedroom.

Expenses/Financial: They were seperate then and are seperate now except for household bills. We decide the amount we pay towards house hold bills upon the percentage we make towards the total income. Everything else is on the individual.

Family/parenting assistance: While we dated, I paid for my daughter's expenses. He didn't even see her until we'd dated for 6 months. I didn't want to confuse her because she was only 2 at the time. I think that children should not be a part of the relationship unless the people involved have seriously considered the possibility of marriage. Children are fragile and remember more than we think.

After we got engaged he started paying her daycare bill. I didn't ask him to though. I went to pay it when it was due and the lady said that he paid it and set up an automatic transfer to handle it from then on out. He was and still is a great dad. When he gave my engagement ring, he also gave my DD a necklace with a tiny ring with "daddy's girl" enscribed on it. He adopted her and that's his baby girl. She's spoiled rotten- lol.

I guess my best advice is to not assume a "wifey" position until he's offered it to you. If you give him everything before you get married then there's not much point to chasing you is it? No matter what they say, they do enjoy the chase- believe me....

goldielocs
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!


You need to do a seminar. I have some ladies in my life that I need you to have a discussion with. I mean its one thing to be foolish with yourself but it really hurts me to see people be foolish with thier children.

One met a guy 5 weeks ago and he has already been around her 3 year old son. But then again, she thinks its serious. The new guy separated from his wife in August so he wont even be able to get a divorce until next August. The whole thing makes me mad just thinking about it.

 

[sweetvi]

girl ..how about someone i know has introduced all her kids to every boyfriend she has had and they were several within the past year?


what us up with that

 

[TracyNicole]

goldilocks is on point. First, I believe in sitting down and having a serious discussion before co-habitating. I would not be comfortable moving in with someone unless we were planning to get married. I made that mistake early in college and learned it can lead to no good. I will draw a parallel between my experiences and hopefully it will help.

Before moving in with DH, we discussed what our time frame was for marriage. We moved in to test compatibility and consolidate finances. I did not regularly cook for him. In the first few months, I demonstrated that I am capable in the kitchen because it was a quality he really wanted in a wife. After that, it would happen on a rare occasion. We went to dinner or more often than not, used a meal service. In my previous experience I cooked all the time and even took requests. That fool took leave of his senses taking my hard work for granted because I didn't place enough value on myself not to do things when little was offered in return.

We maintained two bedrooms and bathrooms and cleaned our spaces individually. For communal areas, we alternated and finances were strictly separate. In my previous experience I would pick this fools socks and drawers up off the floor to do his laundry. Fail! Also, we never assumed we would automatically do things together. Our time remained our own, although we did make sure to keep the lines of communication open.

Now that DH and I are married, he manages the household bills and I manage the household. He was confident I could provide the type of home life he desired because he was allowed to witness it BUT I did not let him revel in it. Our home was clean and he knew I could cook but I didn't cater to him the way I mistakenly did in the previous relationship. Once DH threw two rings on it he became the king of this household and I make sure to run a tight ship the way he likes it.

It is alot of work and I made sure not to give it all away for free before marriage. DH earned the right to be catered to by offering me marriage and all that entails. I earned the right to be treated as his cherished wife by displaying the skills necessary to meet his requirements. This is very different than "shacking up" where you essentially do all the things married couples do and then expect to be married. That whole why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free line is so true. It's like when you go a nice grocery store, they give away samples that are just enough to entice you but you can't just grab whatever you want and walk out of the store for free right? Sorry this is so long. HTH!

 

[Fine 4s]

Bumping for more responses!
Another thread going on co-habitation pros and cons as well.

 

[Ms_Delikate]

Bump