SO's uncle offended me...what should I do?
- Thread starter curlcomplexity
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curlcomplexity
formerly qtslim83
Just a disclaimer: What was said on the card is not true!
No Clorox needed..trust!
No Clorox needed..trust!Just a disclaimer: What was said on the card is not true!
Laughing at the disclaimer.... GIRL !! we know it's not true 
Just a disclaimer: What was said on the card is not true!
Don't you understand that this is not even the point? I don't think anybody on here thought that was the case.... But here's the thing: if it was like that, it's supposed to be private between you and your SO.... nobody else but y'all two.... Nobody should have had any kind of information to get a card remotely referring to the topic.... and it refers to your ethnicity, too?
I had calmed down but feel like Fran.... let the WHAILIN' COMMENCE!
:swordfigh
:buttkick:
:hardslap:
curlcomplexity
formerly qtslim83
Don't you understand that this is not even the point? I don't think anybody on here thought that was the case.... But here's the thing: if it was like that, it's supposed to be private between you and your SO.... nobody else but y'all two.... Nobody should have had any kind of information to get a card remotely referring to the topic.... and it refers to your ethnicity, too?
I had calmed down but feel like Fran.... let the WHAILIN' COMMENCE!
I completely comprehend the main point, I am the OP and have read ths whole thread twice...I was just trying to lighten up the mood and cheer myself up, my bad
erplexed
winterinatl
All natural!
Sorry I don't have anything to add but: put him out. He will stay as long as he can. If you want to ever marry him, put him out to be sure he can even take care of himself let alone a family. OUT.
btw I think he is a real SH1T for letting his uncle make those jokes...
curlcomplexity
formerly qtslim83
I would be HIGHLY offended if my SO got such a card from his uncle. Makes me wonder what other offensive "African" jokes have been cracked between them.
That is what upset me the most.
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PhonyBaloney500
Well-Known Member
OMG that is so freaking offensive. F*** that!! 
Really bugs me out.
tocktick
Well-Known Member
i haven't read through all of the replies yet so i don't know if it's been mentioned. however, more than the crude sexual overtones, the racist undertone is what sickened me the most. there are enough enduring stereotypes about african's being unclean, uncivilised and smelly that his uncle must have known what he was writing and what his message would imply. i don't know if your man and his uncle are black or whatever, but no one should find that funny regardless of their ethnicity. how your man could have laughed about it, idk. what makes me raise an eyebrow is the fact that your man had mentioned your heritage to his uncle...as a nigerian also, and knowing the kind of relationship your man & uncle have, i would be suspicious about the kind of things they would have said in regards to nigerian's and african's in general. i think there is a lot of ignorance surrounding us in society as is, i don't need any man of mine buying into that ish too.
curlcomplexity
formerly qtslim83
UPDATE:
I finally got the chance to speak to SO...or so I thought. He still has not spoken to his uncle. He said that he had tried several times to contact him, but no answer. I told him once again how I felt. He told me that I should not blame him for what happened, blame his uncle (basically). Fast forward, we somehow get into an argument. He said that he has kept other things from me for this reason alone (so I would not get upset). Now wondering, I then asked him what he has kept from me. He assures me it's nothing serious...definitely not cheating. I do believe him, but I still calmly ask him what he has kept from me. He gets upset, leaves...I think that SO and I are no more.
I finally got the chance to speak to SO...or so I thought. He still has not spoken to his uncle. He said that he had tried several times to contact him, but no answer. I told him once again how I felt. He told me that I should not blame him for what happened, blame his uncle (basically). Fast forward, we somehow get into an argument. He said that he has kept other things from me for this reason alone (so I would not get upset). Now wondering, I then asked him what he has kept from me. He assures me it's nothing serious...definitely not cheating. I do believe him, but I still calmly ask him what he has kept from me. He gets upset, leaves...I think that SO and I are no more.
UPDATE:
I finally got the chance to speak to SO...or so I thought. He still has not spoken to his uncle. He said that he had tried several times to contact him, but no answer. I told him once again how I felt. He told me that I should not blame him for what happened, blame his uncle (basically). Fast forward, we somehow get into an argument. He said that he has kept other things from me for this reason alone (so I would not get upset). Now wondering, I then asked him what he has kept from me. He assures me it's nothing serious...definitely not cheating. I do believe him, but I still calmly ask him what he has kept from me. He gets upset, leaves...I think that SO and I are no more.
This sounds really fowl. I don't think he keeps things from you because it upsets you, rather he is protecting himself so that he doesn't have to say or do anything on your behalf. Participating in crap like this disrespects you and your relationship.
Now it sounds like he's getting angry with you because you're pressing him to speak to his uncle. It's nice that he prays with you, but he also should not participate in conversations and jokes that are insulting to you.
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tocktick
Well-Known Member
UPDATE:
I finally got the chance to speak to SO...or so I thought. He still has not spoken to his uncle. He said that he had tried several times to contact him, but no answer. I told him once again how I felt. He told me that I should not blame him for what happened, blame his uncle (basically). Fast forward, we somehow get into an argument. He said that he has kept other things from me for this reason alone (so I would not get upset). Now wondering, I then asked him what he has kept from me. He assures me it's nothing serious...definitely not cheating. I do believe him, but I still calmly ask him what he has kept from me. He gets upset, leaves...I think that SO and I are no more.
i think that's how it should be. reading this thread numerous red flags have been raised surrounding your relationship. outside of the note itself, was the fact that your bf left his uncle call his previous girlfriend a *****. to me, that shows a pattern of allowing his girlfriends to be openly disrespected. i doubt his last gf liked that ish. however, the one that got me the most was that he knows you're struggling financially yet still lives with you "98%" of the time and does not contribute. him not having a job would not matter so much were he to live in his own place, which as you've mentioned, is rent-free because his parents are paying for it. so he has a rent-free place, has no financial obligations in terms of schooling yet still lives with you when you have both these burdens and is ok to be yet another on you. that comes off as especially selfish.
add on to that the fact that he is now keeping things from you. i find people pull that, "this is why i don't tell you X, Y & Z because i know how you react..." line, to make their partner question themselves and think there is a problem that lies within them. i can only hazard a guess to what he & his uncle might have discussed but considering they can clearly openly crudely joke about your genitalia and heritage, i think it probably pertains to your sex life and again, heritage. but like i say, just a guess. personally, i'd be out of there and i hope you are too.
UPDATE:
I finally got the chance to speak to SO...or so I thought. He still has not spoken to his uncle. He said that he had tried several times to contact him, but no answer. I told him once again how I felt. He told me that I should not blame him for what happened, blame his uncle (basically). Fast forward, we somehow get into an argument. He said that he has kept other things from me for this reason alone (so I would not get upset). Now wondering, I then asked him what he has kept from me. He assures me it's nothing serious...definitely not cheating. I do believe him, but I still calmly ask him what he has kept from me. He gets upset, leaves...I think that SO and I are no more.
I read through the posts, so I don't have alot to add but please leave this man alone
you deserve so much better.
determined_to_grow
New Member
GIRL i just read ur update and let me just tell u that u are way to smart and beautiful to allow some one to disrespect u like that!
My best friend use to tell me that "you could do bad by urself"
please dont go back!!!
My best friend use to tell me that "you could do bad by urself"
please dont go back!!!
Amour
Well-Known Member
If I were you I would have gone long time and would never look back! I love my SO with all my heart and soul but if he would ever laugh at something like that we would be history!!!
You seem like such a sweet lady, you can do soo much better. Why TF would your bf laugh at a thing like that... why? why? why? I don't understand that at all.
You seem like such a sweet lady, you can do soo much better. Why TF would your bf laugh at a thing like that... why? why? why? I don't understand that at all.
UPDATE:
I finally got the chance to speak to SO...or so I thought. He still has not spoken to his uncle. He said that he had tried several times to contact him, but no answer. I told him once again how I felt. He told me that I should not blame him for what happened, blame his uncle (basically). Fast forward, we somehow get into an argument. He said that he has kept other things from me for this reason alone (so I would not get upset). Now wondering, I then asked him what he has kept from me. He assures me it's nothing serious...definitely not cheating. I do believe him, but I still calmly ask him what he has kept from me. He gets upset, leaves...I think that SO and I are no more.
I am not one to tell people to leave their man.....but this is a special case. Honey LEAVE!!!!!!!!
femalegold
Active Member
Aww I'm really sorry you are going through this, the uncle I have no words for. Now you and SO are possibly over because of the uncle.
wantlonghair25
New Member
Very well put.
Qtslim83 take a stand! Stand for nothing and you will fall for anything. Don't let this man take advantage of you, I know it's been said already but one cannot emphasize this enough. By him laughing at that card in your face showed that he doesn't take you very serious. Your SO owes you something not his uncle. If your SO laughs at your uncle, then the uncle is going to continue to disrespect you. Your SO needs to put him in line ASAP!!! As you being his woman it his is duty to protect and defend you and not let the BS ride!!! I wish u the best! Kisses!!!
(((Hugs))) for you first, Sweetie. But I'm about to take it there. He prays for you and with you? If he was a real God fearing man, he would keep his hands off of you. This situation would be a moot one because him nor his uncle woud have any reason to discuss your vagina at all. And I'm sure your pastor would tell you the same thing.
The truth is that this is not about his uncle. So asking him to speak to his uncle is pointless. This is about his extreme lack of respect for you which he appears to be displaying in a number of ways. You are dancing around the real issue. And the fact that he has managed to get madder than you about this situation (to the point where he walked out) is a true sign of guilt. He has turned the tables on you.
I don't need to tell you what I would do. But what are you going to do?
The truth is that this is not about his uncle. So asking him to speak to his uncle is pointless. This is about his extreme lack of respect for you which he appears to be displaying in a number of ways. You are dancing around the real issue. And the fact that he has managed to get madder than you about this situation (to the point where he walked out) is a true sign of guilt. He has turned the tables on you.
I don't need to tell you what I would do. But what are you going to do?
curlcomplexity
formerly qtslim83
Hello! I just want to address the bolded first. He has in no way physically put his hands on me in a violent manner (he knows better
). I wasn't quite sure if that is what you meant by that, if it wasn't then I do apologize. I do understand that the issue really was between the two of us, that is why I initially asked told him not to bother calling his uncle if he had not done it by now. The only reason why I asked him about calling today is because he mentioned he would. As I mentioned earlier, I know you can't change a person's ways so I know speaking to the uncle is not going to make him think any different about me, or SO's mother. Some of the other ladies did feel differently about that, but honestly I don't know him and vice versa. What I am going to do about this situation is pray and move on. Thank you for caring, I do appreciate it (((HUGS)) right back ya!
Bint Yusef
New Member
She meant put his hands on you as in sexual/physical relationship.
Hello! I just want to address the bolded first. He has in no way physically put his hands on me in a violent manner (he knows better
Honey, Mocha5 meant SEX.... A (true) God-fearing man wouldn't be lickin' you out of wedlock.
poetist
New Member
OK, I read through this entire post. At this point, if you think that the relationship is over, theres not much to add. I think its wonderful that he prays for and with you. I agree that talking about and performing any type of sexual act goes against the word of God, but if the truth be told, we ALL fall short of the glory of God, so I think its great that your SO prays with you. THe convo with uncle is something that you and him will have to work at - about what will and will not be tolerated. From what you said, your SO seems like he may be a bit intimidated by his uncle or really looks up to him to the point where he may be afraid to say something.
Also, you seem like a smart, determined and REALLY sweet young lady. I admire how hard you are working to make a life for yourself. When I was in college, my parents made sure that I didnt have to work. They paid for my tuition and my housing. Same with my brother who is currently in college. However, like your SO's parents, when they said we didnt have to work, just maintain our grades, they did realize that we;d need to eat, pay for gas, clothes, and other utilities. So it doesnt seem like you SO would be out there bad if you werent helping him out. It seems that you've just created a situtation where he doesnt need to ask for money from his parents because you're filling in where they should be.
Also, you seem like a smart, determined and REALLY sweet young lady. I admire how hard you are working to make a life for yourself. When I was in college, my parents made sure that I didnt have to work. They paid for my tuition and my housing. Same with my brother who is currently in college. However, like your SO's parents, when they said we didnt have to work, just maintain our grades, they did realize that we;d need to eat, pay for gas, clothes, and other utilities. So it doesnt seem like you SO would be out there bad if you werent helping him out. It seems that you've just created a situtation where he doesnt need to ask for money from his parents because you're filling in where they should be.
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curlcomplexity
formerly qtslim83
Nothing that was said in that card was true, that is why I assumed it was physical in a different way.
locabouthair
Well-Known Member
Hello! I just want to address the bolded first. He has in no way physically put his hands on me in a violent manner (he knows better
I think what Mocha meant was that if he was a God fearing man, he wouldnt be having relations with you.
Just curious how long have you been with your SO?
curlcomplexity
formerly qtslim83
O.K. Ladies at this point, I just wanted to thank everyone for posting w/ helpful info. I especially wanted to thank the women that gave positive, helpful information. I just think that maybe it's getting a little out of hand and I am now feeling uncomfortable. I don't like having to feel like I have to defend myself. The note on the card did have sexual content but I felt that the main point was that the uncle offended me, and the SO did not defend me. Once again, nothing on that card was valid at all.
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