SO's uncle offended me...what should I do?

[PaperClip]

Actually, yes I am, that actually hurt a little btw. However, I feel that if he hasn't said anything as of yet, he never plans on doing so. He recieved that card on Monday and it is now the end of the week.

You told him not to worry about it, though.... Why are you hesitant to tell your SO your true/honest feelings on the matter? How will he know how much that card (and other stuff) has offended you unless you speak up? You have that right as a human being, as a(n equal) partner in that relationship (hopefully), and certainly as a PROVIDER to that household....

 

[MzLady78]

Actually, yes I am, that actually hurt a little btw. However, I feel that if he hasn't said anything as of yet, he never plans on doing so. He recieved that card on Monday and it is now the end of the week. If I ever see him myself, best believe I will say something.

I think the point that we're trying to make is that the uncle is really not the issue here. From what you've written he obviously does not respect women and it's obviously not out of character for him to come out his mouth on some ignorant shyt like that.

But for your SO to 1) laugh 2) not check his *** on it from the jump says a lot about him and the level of respect that he has for you, IMO. It is totally mindboggling to me that his reaction to that card was to laugh and not to flip the hell out.

Add to that the fact that you've been "handling things" for 4 months and I would say this is a disaster waiting to happen.

 

[curlcomplexity]

You told him not to worry about it, though.... Why are you hesitant to tell your SO your true/honest feelings on the matter? How will he know how much that card (and other stuff) has offended you unless you speak up? You have that right as a human being, as a(n equal) partner in that relationship (hopefully), and certainly as a PROVIDER to that household....

I had to edit my last quote, so it didn't show up...sorry. I have told my SO my feelings on this matter, even though I didn't want to. He is actually the one who told me to tell him how I felt, I was just going to leave it alone. However after today, I realized that this was not one of those things I could just leave alone.

Thanks for the bolded!

 

[curlcomplexity]

I think the point that we're trying to make is that the uncle is really not the issue here. From what you've written he obviously does not respect women and it's obviously not out of character for him to come out his mouth on some ignorant shyt like that.

But for your SO to 1) laugh 2) not check his *** on it from the jump says a lot about him and the level of respect that he has for you, IMO. It is totally mindboggling to me that his reaction to that card was to laugh and not to flip the hell out.

Add to that the fact that you've been "handling things" for 4 months and I would say this is a disaster waiting to happen.

YES!!!! You hit the nail on the head, thank you! As for the job situation, he has tried. His parents told him that he didn't have to work as long as he was in school, so that's why he stopped. However, I don't have kids so I don't feel I should be taking care of anyone but myself right now especially since I'm in college myself and it's hard to support just me. I'm trying to be as supportive as I can, but 4 months?! It's getting old...

 

[jturner7156]

YES!!!! You hit the nail on the head, thank you! As for the job situation, he has tried. His parents told him that he didn't have to work as long as he was in school, so that's why he stopped. However, I don't have kids so I don't feel I should be taking care of anyone but myself right now especially since I'm in college myself and it's hard to support just me. I'm trying to be as supportive as I can, but 4 months?! It's getting old...

So why isn't his parents taking care of him...WTF? How they gonna tell that grown man he doesn't have to work but they aren't keeping his lights on, food in his stomach, etc. I am confused !

 

[Bint Yusef]

YES!!!! You hit the nail on the head, thank you! As for the job situation, he has tried. His parents told him that he didn't have to work as long as he was in school, so that's why he stopped. However, I don't have kids so I don't feel I should be taking care of anyone but myself right now especially since I'm in college myself and it's hard to support just me. I'm trying to be as supportive as I can, but 4 months?! It's getting old...

Sistergirl come on now, the more you write the worse this situation sounds.

1. Your SO does not defend you against comments implying that you are unclean.

2. Your cleanliness is in question because you are African, which shows these people have ridiculous mindset concerning your ethnicity.

3. A man other than your SO and GYNO is discussing your lady parts , which is none of his business. Your SO's discretion about your relations are in serious question.

4. You are taking care of a man who hasnt worked in 4 months who has parents.

5. You are taking care of a man who hasnt worked in 4 months who has parents.

6. You are taking care of a man who hasnt worked in 4 months who has parents and you are in college.

7. You are taking care of a man who hasnt worked in 4 months who has parents and you are in college.

8. You are taking care of a man who hasnt worked in 4 months who has parents and you are in college.

 

[curlcomplexity]

So why isn't his parents taking care of him...WTF? How they gonna tell that grown man he doesn't have to work but they aren't keeping his lights on, food in his stomach, etc. I am confused !

They actually are paying his tuition and rent, we live in different apts. However, he stays w/ me 98% of the time.

 

[KEWLKAT103]

Wow! That card was very disrespectful and what's worse is your SO laughing. I would not be able to forgive his blatant disrespect and I would not let this go so easily.
Whatever you choose to do, I hope it works out for you.

 

[MzLady78]

They actually are paying his tuition and rent, we live in different apts. However, he stays w/ me 98% of the time.

Girl......................

 

[chicitygirl]

Call me rude and jumping to conclusions, but what exactly are you gaining from a relationship in which you're not respected and your honor isn't defended and your boyfriend is a financial liability to you? I mean seriously, what's in it for you?

 

[MzLady78]

Call me rude and jumping to conclusions, but what exactly are you gaining from a relationship in which you're not respected and your honor isn't defended and your boyfriend is a financial liability to you? I mean seriously, what's in it for you?

Thank you!

Dude is chillin up in your spot 98% of the time and probably ain't contributing a damn thing since he doesn't have a job.

That is not a good look at all.

 

[Mortons]

Your SO is seriously disrespecting you and thats not ok. For him to even laugh at that card and then not say anything to the uncle then to let you pay for everything all the time

 

[curlcomplexity]

Call me rude and jumping to conclusions, but what exactly are you gaining from a relationship in which you're not respected and your honor isn't defended and your boyfriend is a financial liability to you? I mean seriously, what's in it for you?

My SO, has been there for me no matter what, which is why this situation is bothering me. Whenever I need anything he would do his best to help me. I know that if I were in the same preditcament, he would do the same for me. It's just frustrating it all.

 

[curlcomplexity]

Sistergirl come on now, the more you write the worse this situation sounds.

1. Your SO does not defend you against comments implying that you are unclean.

2. Your cleanliness is in question because you are African, which shows these people have ridiculous mindset concerning your ethnicity.

3. A man other than your SO and GYNO is discussing your lady parts , which is none of his business. Your SO's discretion about your relations are in serious question.

4. You are taking care of a man who hasnt worked in 4 months who has parents.

5. You are taking care of a man who hasnt worked in 4 months who has parents.

6. You are taking care of a man who hasnt worked in 4 months who has parents and you are in college.

7. You are taking care of a man who hasnt worked in 4 months who has parents and you are in college.

8. You are taking care of a man who hasnt worked in 4 months who has parents and you are in college.

I realize this now, which is why I am starting to regret posting. I really don't have anyone to speak to personally about this at the time. It was weighing on my heart and stressing me out, so I wanted to get it off of my chest and get feed back from a woman's point-of-view. I spoke to my SO about my feelings, but it hasn't helped me...

 

[PaperClip]

My SO, has been there for me no matter what, which is why this situation is bothering me. Whenever I need anything he would do his best to help me. I know that if I were in the same preditcament, he would do the same for me. It's just frustrating it all.

Ok... I'll bite.... How has he been there for you? Mentally, emotionally, sexually? Helping you through school? I mean, that's great and all if he has helped you, and you obviously feel a sense of obligation to return the support....

It just sounds like you are well able to maintain yourself, and your parents may not providing tuition and rent for you as his parents are for him, but I don't know....

The question becomes is your support for him at during his time of unemployment worth the sacrifice of your honor, respect, and integrity that he is supposed to defend to the end as your SO?

 

[curlcomplexity]

Thank you!

Dude is chillin up in your spot 98% of the time and probably ain't contributing a damn thing since he doesn't have a job.

That is not a good look at all.

I know, I know. At first, I didn't think anything of this. When I reailzed how long this has been going on, I did say something. Since then, he has tried looking for a new job, he's lookin every day. He doesn't want to be a burden on me.

 

[Bint Yusef]

I realize this now, which is why I am starting to regret posting. I really don't have anyone to speak to personally about this at the time. It was weighing on my heart and stressing me out, so I wanted to get it off of my chest and get feed back from a woman's point-of-view. I spoke to my SO about my feelings, but it hasn't helped me...

Dont regret it. Its not anyones intention to beat up on you per se, but fresh eyes can often see things you cant..of course this is predicated on what you tell us. It just seems like you are getting a raw deal and I dont think anyone here wants that for you.

 

[MzLady78]

Dont regret it. Its not anyones intention to beat up on you per se, but fresh eyes can often see things you cant..of course this is predicated on what you tell us. It just seems like you are getting a raw deal and I dont think anyone here wants that for you.

Exactly!

That's what it all boils down to.

 

[curlcomplexity]

Ok... I'll bite.... How has he been there for you? Mentally, emotionally, sexually? Helping you through school? I mean, that's great and all if he has helped you, and you obviously feel a sense of obligation to return the support....

It just sounds like you are well able to maintain yourself, and your parents may not providing tuition and rent for you as his parents are for him, but I don't know....

The question becomes is your support for him at during his time of unemployment worth the sacrifice of your honor, respect, and integrity that he is supposed to defend to the end as your SO?

He's always praying w/ me and for me, which is very important to me. There is alot going on in my life w/ family and school. He is my shoulder to cry on at any hour of the day. I had to sell my car for tuition, whevever I need to go somewhere he is there for me. He bends over backwards for me to make sure that I am happy, normally. He wouldn't intentionally hurt me or anyone he cares about. He is the only man that I know who actually takes the time to talk to me, and listen to me. He encourages me to do the best that I can. He is my #1 cheerleader, motivitating me when no one else can...or will. So, in conclusion although I am frustrated I will continue to be there for him, because he has been there for me and although it's not financial support...it's still support.

 

[curlcomplexity]

Dont regret it. Its not anyones intention to beat up on you per se, but fresh eyes can often see things you cant..of course this is predicated on what you tell us. It just seems like you are getting a raw deal and I dont think anyone here wants that for you.

I feel you...thanks!

 

[PaperClip]

He's always praying w/ me and for me, which is very important to me. There is alot going on in my life w/ family and school. He is my shoulder to cry on at any hour of the day. I had to sell my car for tuition, whevever I need to go somewhere he is there for me. He bends over backwards for me to make sure that I am happy, normally. He wouldn't intentionally hurt me or anyone he cares about. He is the only man that I know who actually takes the time to talk to me, and listen to me. He encourages me to do the best that I can. He is my #1 cheerleader, motivitating me when no one else can...or will. So, in conclusion although I am frustrated I will continue to be there for him, because he has been there for me and although it's not financial support...it's still support.

Ok. Like it has been said, don't want to see your kind heart to be taken advantage of....

I may add: words are nice, but actions speak louder than words. Actions include defending your honor to his uncle and being more considerate of your resources.

Peace to you.

 

[curlcomplexity]

Ok. Like it has been said, don't want to see your kind heart to be taken advantage of....

I may add: words are nice, but actions speak louder than words. Actions include defending your honor to his uncle and being more considerate of your resources.

Peace to you.

Thank you, I do appreciate you input. Peace to you too!

 

[chicitygirl]

I see what you're saying about him being supportive. But the fact that he watched you sell your car to pay your tuition and yet still relies on you financially and didn't step up his job search until you told him it was an issue is odd to me. I think you deserve a man that is supportive both in words and actions. It's counterintuitive for him to be your main cheerleader and then sit on his arse while you struggle financially. It just doesn't make any sense. That on top of the trifling azzhole uncle situation, it's not making him look like the best partner. I've seen too many women get screwed over in situations like this.

 

[BrooklynSouth]

He's always praying w/ me and for me, which is very important to me. There is alot going on in my life w/ family and school. He is my shoulder to cry on at any hour of the day. I had to sell my car for tuition, whevever I need to go somewhere he is there for me. He bends over backwards for me to make sure that I am happy, normally. He wouldn't intentionally hurt me or anyone he cares about. He is the only man that I know who actually takes the time to talk to me, and listen to me. He encourages me to do the best that I can. He is my #1 cheerleader, motivitating me when no one else can...or will. So, in conclusion although I am frustrated I will continue to be there for him, because he has been there for me and although it's not financial support...it's still support.[/quote]


I am still shaking my head long after reading your post QTSlim and I'm still bothered by the circumstances. Girlfriend..you know most people on LHCF care about each other and only want the richest, most fulfilling life for one another. We care and are able to see something you may not..I say.."may."
Let me tell you about a man I dated years ago..He was a nice man, gentle, kind and generous to me but he allowed his brother to ignore me at their mother's funeral!!! I was so hurt by his lack of calling his brother out about the diss.....my opinion of him changed drastically from that day. I do not think a man can 'truly' love you if he does not stand up for you, no matter who that person is!!!. Prayer? The pastor of your church can pray with you...expand your horizons..they are vast...or are you anticipating your man's graduation and him being the breadwinner, making you his wife? You'll be disappointed...he needs to put his uncle in his place so to speak. Remember...WE CARE!

 

[curlcomplexity]

He's always praying w/ me and for me, which is very important to me. There is alot going on in my life w/ family and school. He is my shoulder to cry on at any hour of the day. I had to sell my car for tuition, whevever I need to go somewhere he is there for me. He bends over backwards for me to make sure that I am happy, normally. He wouldn't intentionally hurt me or anyone he cares about. He is the only man that I know who actually takes the time to talk to me, and listen to me. He encourages me to do the best that I can. He is my #1 cheerleader, motivitating me when no one else can...or will. So, in conclusion although I am frustrated I will continue to be there for him, because he has been there for me and although it's not financial support...it's still support.[/quote]


I am still shaking my head long after reading your pos,t QTSlim and I'm still bothered by the circumstances. Girlfirend..you know most people on LHCF care about each other and only want the richest, most fulfilling life for one another. We care and are able to see something you may not..I say.."may."
Let me tell you about a man I dated years ago..He was a nice man, gentle, kind and generous to me but he allowed his brother to ignore me at their mother's funeral!!! I was so hurt by his lack of calling his brother out about the diss.....my opinion of him changed drastically from that day. I do not think a man can 'truly' love you if he does not stand up for you, no matter who that person is!!!. Prayer? The pastor of your church can pray with you...expand your horizons..they are vast...or are you anticipating your man's graduation and him being the breadwinner, making you his wife? You'll be disappointed...he needs to put his uncle in his place so to speak. Remember...WE CARE!

WHOA!!! Are you serious?!!! Lemme tell you something about myself. I am the oldest of 4, my family came to this country w/ barely nothing. I was homeless until age 6. My experiences in life have made it so that I DON'T HAVE TO WANT FOR NOTHING IN LIFE, FROM ANYONE! I work for everything that I have. I'm make my own "bread" and have been since I was 14. I'm not quite sure if you read the other posts, but I'm getting my education. Main reason for doing so is to continue to better myself. Second reason being the want to continue to support myself! I DON'T NEED TO BE A TROPHY WIFE, I'M GOOD BY MYSELF!

As for prayer, I apprerciate that he takes the time to pray w/ me. I didn't say that he was my only source of religion (which is what I got from your post). I go to church, read my Bible, and pray everyday! My "horizons" are are not based on my SO alone.

I initially wrote this post to recieve input on the situation. I have recieved that, including the post from (which I really do appreciate). However, I do not appreciate the part bolded. I felt that it was wrote to cause more harm than help. Not once did I say anything about marriage, not once. I'm too young for that. Now even sure if he is that one.

I apologize in advance to anyone that my post may offend, but honestly I felt that I had to speak up for myself. I know that for the most part, everyone would like to be helpful to me and I do appreciate it. Thank you for caring ladies.

 

[DayStar]

WHOA!!! Are you serious?!!! Lemme tell you something about myself. I am the oldest of 4, my family came to this country w/ barely nothing. I was homeless until age 6. My experiences in life have made it so that I DON'T HAVE TO WANT FOR NOTHING IN LIFE, FROM ANYONE! I work for everything that I have. I'm make my own "bread" and have been since I was 14. I'm not quite sure if you read the other posts, but I'm getting my education. Main reason for doing so is to continue to better myself. Second reason being the want to continue to support myself! I DON'T NEED TO BE A TROPHY WIFE, I'M GOOD BY MYSELF!

As for prayer, I apprerciate that he takes the time to pray w/ me. I didn't say that he was my only source of religion (which is what I got from your post). I go to church, read my Bible, and pray everyday! My "horizons" are are not based on my SO alone.

I initially wrote this post to recieve input on the situation. I have recieved that, including the post from (which I really do appreciate). However, I do not appreciate the part bolded. Not once did I say anything about marriage, not once. I'm too young for that. Now even sure if he is that one.

I apologize in advance to anyone that my post may offend, but honestly I felt that I had to speak up for myself. Thank you for caring though.

i dont hink she was trying to offend you.......

you know whats best for you, and hopefully, you will listen to some of the ladies on this board and make a sound decision, again...good luck

 

[curlcomplexity]

i dont hink she was trying to offend you.......

you know whats best for you, and hopefully, you will listen to some of the ladies on this board and make a sound decision, again...good luck

Yeah, I know...but the "breadwinner" part...

Thanks for the post!

 

[locabouthair]

like mzlady said, forget aboutt he uncle. this is really between you and your SO. you two need to have a serious talk. i wonder exactly what he tells his uncle.

I hope things work out for you.

 

[MJ]

WHOA!!! Are you serious?!!! Lemme tell you something about myself. I am the oldest of 4, my family came to this country w/ barely nothing. I was homeless until age 6. My experiences in life have made it so that I DON'T HAVE TO WANT FOR NOTHING IN LIFE, FROM ANYONE! I work for everything that I have. I'm make my own "bread" and have been since I was 14. I'm not quite sure if you read the other posts, but I'm getting my education. Main reason for doing so is to continue to better myself. Second reason being the want to continue to support myself! I DON'T NEED TO BE A TROPHY WIFE, I'M GOOD BY MYSELF!
As for prayer, I apprerciate that he takes the time to pray w/ me. I didn't say that he was my only source of religion (which is what I got from your post). I go to church, read my Bible, and pray everyday! My "horizons" are are not based on my SO alone.

I initially wrote this post to recieve input on the situation. I have recieved that, including the post from (which I really do appreciate). However, I do not appreciate the part bolded. I felt that it was wrote to cause more harm than help. Not once did I say anything about marriage, not once. I'm too young for that. Now even sure if he is that one.

I apologize in advance to anyone that my post may offend, but honestly I felt that I had to speak up for myself. I know that for the most part, everyone would like to be helpful to me and I do appreciate it. Thank you for caring ladies.

I used to believe this... But no one is saying that you should be a trophy wife. I've read all the posts and it's sad to see that you've become defensive. If you could somehow detached from the thread and re-read the posts as if they were posted by a stranger you'd never met I think you'd see what the women are trying to say.

Stating that a man should step up in his role as a breadwinner doesn't mean that you will be a trophy wife. A breadwinning male is one who support his woman and family emotionally, spiritually, AND financially. If he's living with you 98% of the time, he should be helping with the bills (paying half, at least). He's fully aware of your tight financial situation, yet he's living with you for months without helping out financially. Also, I think the poster was saying that if your SO isn't helping you out now, you cannot expect him to do so even if his fincancial situation changes for the better.

His uncle basically said that your vagina is so nasty, disgusting, dirty, vermin filled, and foul that it needed bleach to clean it out and your SO responded by 1. Laughing and 2. Accepting the money his uncle gave him along with that note. That says alot about a person. Like some of the posters said, words are nice, but action tells the truth.

The poster's comments about your pastor had to do with the fact that you'd said that your SO supported you by praying with you. If I understand her post correctly, she is saying that you can get the same support from your paster without the disrespect and the financial drain that your current SO place on you.

 

[BrooklynSouth]

It's Ok QT..It is definitely good to speak up for yourself.