This was not my route, so looking for some pearls of wisdom to offer these ladies.
What worked for you?
What didn't work for you?
Lol. No what should they avoid so they don't end up in that situation? As a single mom, reflecting back on things, what would you have done differently when you were young and childless?
I had a baby at 14 (8 days before my 15th birthday). It was intentional (long story, not enough time). The outcome was what I wanted----- some really amazing people were brought into my life and adopted me (indirectly) but I lost my bio- family in the process. However- like many people remind me- my @$$ was blessed. My lesson for others- don't do what I did. May not turn out the same.
My second child I had a 26- I was waiting for marriage. Simply, married the wrong man. I was so excited to be in love, thought I was getting old, he wanted a baby first- my @$$ was just dumb. I saw things in the relationship that I "explained" away- oh he can't contribute to the bills because of the economy (2009), his student loans are too much, he needs my help financially... mind you, I was that girl going to school for my undergrad, working full time, exercising daily, and planning our wedding. He worked part time playing video games on the other. Eventually he did get to where he wanted to be - (got a great job making over 100K) but like the story goes, when he made it- he found someone else and "fell in love". He just simply forgot about the soon to be wife and children that was there before.
What to do to end up NOT a single mother...
Well just realize that once the kids get here-
it is out of your control. Anything can happen- one day your husband, partner, boyfriend, who ever can wake up and realize that he is more closer to the chick at work and ready to sacrifice everything for her. He could just decide that he wants to be a single man. YOU could feel you are better out of the relationship than it in. ANYTHING could happen. Take note of how many marriage have lasted 15+ years.... it is out of your control because relationships are TWO people who won't always feel the same.
Now how to MINIMIZE -
1. Make smarter choices in men. If he is showing you he isn't reliable or puts other things first than his relationship, that isn't going to change when a baby gets here. Doesn't matter if he is rich or poor - a man that doesn't put you first will not change when the baby arrives.
2. Be SELFISH--- I hate that advice because I am a giver, not a taker but women who aren't selfish (at least some of the time) get used and taken advantage of.
3. Use birth control - until a man proposes to you, sets a date and changes your name---- use birth control. Having a baby before marriage increases the likelihood (in MY opinion) that you will be a single mother. Especially if your pregnancy doesn't move him to propose.
4. And my favorite- be smart on WHEN to start trying for a baby. If you have massive debt together, no money saved, and need to get a better hold of money management skills, DO NOT bring a baby into the situation. Babies bring stress on a relationship, especially financially. Men cheat more when they are stressed (advice I have received from close male friends) because side chicks take the stress away. Cheating can tear apart the relationship, divorce, now you are a single mother.
Those are my main ideas. I get that as women we have clocks and fall in love, etc. but we really need to be logical and smart. If the relationship is full of fighting, a baby will make things worse. Babies aren't solutions- they tend to create more problems.
Me personally, I love my kids- my daughter is my reason and my son is my joy. I don't regret having them when I did, as amazing people have come into our lives and I learned a lot- but I promise you, IF I have another child, it will be done correctly. I see married friends with truly devoted husbands who are excited to be fathers and 100% present (mentally, emotionally, spiritually) and it is like night and day compared to the regular BS you hear about. I would love to experience that but then again, I might be done in the baby making arena.
And my definition of single mother is a single woman who is a mother- doesn't have bearing on presence of the father (I know some definitions are different).
And I know this isn't a popular idea- but I think a lot of us wouldn't have as much problems and drama if we paid attention from the beginning and thoroughly vetted him in the dating process. If he isn't moving the Earth and Sun to be with you, why are you dealing with him? Even Beta men go after what they truly want.
Now no man is perfect and most of us have baggage, drama, etc. - but there is something to be said for someone who can let his guard down, open up, be present and vulnerable. I believe people can change, but you have to see the actions. If you don't see them, don't get pregnant- and that will reduce the chance of being a single mother.