Single Mothers: What Advice Do You Have For Young, Childless Women?

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perfumenista

Well-Known Member
when it comes to men and motherhood? I will be mentoring some young "at risk" teenager girls soon and I am sure this topic will come up. This was not my route, so looking for some pearls of wisdom to offer these ladies.

What worked for you?
What didn't work for you?
 
Honestly if they are already at risk and it hasn't happened yet, the focus should be working with them or the parents and getting them on birth control asap before they are in the single mother situation. Building them up is going to take time. We can talk about everything else, give advice etc after you are on that bc. I realize that might be over stepping boundaries so hopefully ppl can chime in.
 
RocStar said:
Advice on how to be single mothers? I don't think I understand what information you are looking for.
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Lol. No what should they avoid so they don't end up in that situation? As a single mom, reflecting back on things, what would you have done differently when you were young and childless?
 
perfumenista said:
Lol. No what should they avoid so they don't end up in that situation? As a single mom, reflecting back on things, what would you have done differently when you were young and childless?
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Ok, thanks for the clarification...I wasn't sure.
 
perfumenista said:
Lol. No what should they avoid so they don't end up in that situation? As a single mom, reflecting back on things, what would you have done differently when you were young and childless?
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IME women who are single mothers generally don't want to acknowledge the ways that it has made their lives more difficult and shortchanged their children. It becomes self defense and self justification for the single mother instead of something beneficial for the teens. Almost as if they want other women to validate them by making the same bad choices.
 
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I kinda get what you're saying. My single mother friends usually tell me "enjoy your freedom" type things. Move across the country, sleep in all day, pamper yourself, etc. because now they have children to consider whenever making big life decisions.

As for men and relationships themselves, nothing extraordinary. The regular stuff.... Don't be dumb. Check the condom. Have your custody agreement notarized and filed. Two are divorced, one never married.
 
The thing is, young women who are at-risk for becoming single mothers need ongoing guidance . . .it can't be fixed in a one-time or limited setting. I was a teen mom. I'd already been to college, but became pregnant with my son Freshman year. Young women who choose to carry their babies to term often do so because they lack/are feeling unloved. They view a baby as the one human who will give them unconditional love (misguided and immature, but these are not fully developed women).

I have great advice, but it would likely be lost on those to which the above statement applies.

1. Know that you are worth love, and that even when you feel alone, you can always count on yourself.

2. Know that you deserve the BEST things life has to offer. Explain to them how MOST single mothers struggle financially.

3. Let them know that if a man is talking about having a baby with you, but not marrying you and making plans for a definable future . . .then he doesn't really love you (okay, okay . . .doesn't love you enough) :look: *I'm not taking any comments on this comment. :lachen: Look, I have had to learn some hard lessons in life, and the truth is very freeing.* A man that LOVES you wants to protect and provide for you.

4. Help them imagine a world where they're living their BEST lives, and help them map out a way to achieve this. "Where there is no vision, the people perish." When you are just wafting through the world, you're more likely to "go with the flow" and not take definitive steps to protect yourself from being sidetracked. Help them set some goals so they can become so excited and focused that they will not be deterred.

5. Children deserve to be loved by TWO parents. Ask them to envision the type of father they'd like for their child. Help them see him plainly, and advise them not to lay with anyone who doesn't meet the description.

6. Have them read "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" . . .changed my life. Teach them about CHARACTER so that they can develop theirs, and recognize other people's for what it really is.

That's about all that I have the energy to type.
 
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Actually I think Paris Hilton had a good point when she used the purse analogy when discussing men.

As far as the single mother part, I mean just encourage them to enjoy life as young ladies. Help them realize once they have a child, that freedom is gone. The child will come first and their days of having fun and thinking only of themselves will be gone. Huge responsibility that shouldn't be taken lightly.
 
perfumenista said:
This was not my route, so looking for some pearls of wisdom to offer these ladies.

What worked for you?
What didn't work for you?
Click to expand...
perfumenista said:
Lol. No what should they avoid so they don't end up in that situation? As a single mom, reflecting back on things, what would you have done differently when you were young and childless?
Click to expand...
I had a baby at 14 (8 days before my 15th birthday). It was intentional (long story, not enough time). The outcome was what I wanted----- some really amazing people were brought into my life and adopted me (indirectly) but I lost my bio- family in the process. However- like many people remind me- my @$$ was blessed. My lesson for others- don't do what I did. May not turn out the same.

My second child I had a 26- I was waiting for marriage. Simply, married the wrong man. I was so excited to be in love, thought I was getting old, he wanted a baby first- my @$$ was just dumb. I saw things in the relationship that I "explained" away- oh he can't contribute to the bills because of the economy (2009), his student loans are too much, he needs my help financially... mind you, I was that girl going to school for my undergrad, working full time, exercising daily, and planning our wedding. He worked part time playing video games on the other. Eventually he did get to where he wanted to be - (got a great job making over 100K) but like the story goes, when he made it- he found someone else and "fell in love". He just simply forgot about the soon to be wife and children that was there before.

What to do to end up NOT a single mother...

Well just realize that once the kids get here- it is out of your control. Anything can happen- one day your husband, partner, boyfriend, who ever can wake up and realize that he is more closer to the chick at work and ready to sacrifice everything for her. He could just decide that he wants to be a single man. YOU could feel you are better out of the relationship than it in. ANYTHING could happen. Take note of how many marriage have lasted 15+ years.... it is out of your control because relationships are TWO people who won't always feel the same.

Now how to MINIMIZE -
1. Make smarter choices in men. If he is showing you he isn't reliable or puts other things first than his relationship, that isn't going to change when a baby gets here. Doesn't matter if he is rich or poor - a man that doesn't put you first will not change when the baby arrives.
2. Be SELFISH--- I hate that advice because I am a giver, not a taker but women who aren't selfish (at least some of the time) get used and taken advantage of.
3. Use birth control - until a man proposes to you, sets a date and changes your name---- use birth control. Having a baby before marriage increases the likelihood (in MY opinion) that you will be a single mother. Especially if your pregnancy doesn't move him to propose.
4. And my favorite- be smart on WHEN to start trying for a baby. If you have massive debt together, no money saved, and need to get a better hold of money management skills, DO NOT bring a baby into the situation. Babies bring stress on a relationship, especially financially. Men cheat more when they are stressed (advice I have received from close male friends) because side chicks take the stress away. Cheating can tear apart the relationship, divorce, now you are a single mother.

Those are my main ideas. I get that as women we have clocks and fall in love, etc. but we really need to be logical and smart. If the relationship is full of fighting, a baby will make things worse. Babies aren't solutions- they tend to create more problems.

Me personally, I love my kids- my daughter is my reason and my son is my joy. I don't regret having them when I did, as amazing people have come into our lives and I learned a lot- but I promise you, IF I have another child, it will be done correctly. I see married friends with truly devoted husbands who are excited to be fathers and 100% present (mentally, emotionally, spiritually) and it is like night and day compared to the regular BS you hear about. I would love to experience that but then again, I might be done in the baby making arena.

And my definition of single mother is a single woman who is a mother- doesn't have bearing on presence of the father (I know some definitions are different).

And I know this isn't a popular idea- but I think a lot of us wouldn't have as much problems and drama if we paid attention from the beginning and thoroughly vetted him in the dating process. If he isn't moving the Earth and Sun to be with you, why are you dealing with him? Even Beta men go after what they truly want.
Now no man is perfect and most of us have baggage, drama, etc. - but there is something to be said for someone who can let his guard down, open up, be present and vulnerable. I believe people can change, but you have to see the actions. If you don't see them, don't get pregnant- and that will reduce the chance of being a single mother.
 
I think it would be a better sell for someone who doesn't have kids and is living her life like it's golden to say all the awesome things she's doing because she doesn't have kids. If the girls ask about kids/family, then give the spiel of what you expect before having kids. My point being the positive usually is a better selling point. I am fairly sure at risk girls have seen all the negatives associated with single motherhood and ain't ish men, but you need to show them an alternative and what the otherside looks like, because for many of them that is an unknown.
 
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Kanky said:
IME women who are single mothers generally don't want to acknowledge the ways that it has made their lives more difficult and shortchanged their children. It becomes self defense and self justification for the single mother instead of something beneficial for the teens. Almost as if they want other women to validate them by making the same bad choices.
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I disagree. I have mentored MANY young girls to try to steer them among a better path, paid for GED classes, went to dr appointments, tutoring when they needed extra help in school. A lot of kids just don't have someone that will teach them anything..,.
 
RoundEyedGirl504 said:
I think it would be a better sell for someone who doesn't have kids and is living her life like it's golden to say all the awesome things she's doing because she doesn't have kids. If the girls ask about kids/family, then give the spiel of what you expect before having kids. My point being the positive usually is a better selling point. I am fairly sure at risk girls have seen all the negatives associated with single motherhood and ain't ish men, but you need to show them an alternative and what the otherside looks like, because for many of them that is an unknown.
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I completely agree with this. Maybe find some young childless women who started out in similar environments and are now travelling the world, gone to college, started businesses, etc. Yes, there are plenty of single mothers who have done this as well, but you don't want to plant the "see you can do all this and still have a baby" message to childless young girls. Save that message for young girls who already have kids.
 
Bunnyhaslonghair said:
Honestly if they are already at risk and it hasn't happened yet, the focus should be working with them or the parents and getting them on birth control asap before they are in the single mother situation. Building them up is going to take time. We can talk about everything else, give advice etc after you are on that bc. I realize that might be over stepping boundaries so hopefully ppl can chime in.
Click to expand...
I agree. They need to learn that they have choices, they can say No, and learn to establish healthy boundaries. They need birth control asap.
They need to understand that no matter what anyone tells them, that is their child that they will be responsible for. I wish I could come to a meeting. I can't really articulate in text what really needs to be stated.
 
Kanky said:
IME women who are single mothers generally don't want to acknowledge the ways that it has made their lives more difficult and shortchanged their children. It becomes self defense and self justification for the single mother instead of something beneficial for the teens. Almost as if they want other women to validate them by making the same bad choices.
Click to expand...
I disagree. I'm a divorced/single mother. that's a bitter bird, crabs in the barrel mentality. I try to mentor and talk to young girls all of the time. Hell I got married and pregnant in my late 20's. I don't agree with women having kids late in age either, but that's another topic.
 
Kanky said:
IME women who are single mothers generally don't want to acknowledge the ways that it has made their lives more difficult and shortchanged their children. It becomes self defense and self justification for the single mother instead of something beneficial for the teens. Almost as if they want other women to validate them by making the same bad choices.
Click to expand...

This is ridiculous. And offensive. Single mothers want other women to become single mothers?

There's a million reasons why someone can be a single mother, but just because a single mom isn't miserable and hate themselves doesn't mean they can't acknowledge that is difficult.

In my life, nothing has brought me more joy than having my daughter, if I had it to do again, I would, but if anyone asks me I would tell them not to do it by themselves.
 
I would say everything is circumstantial. Nothing is permanent set yourself up for the best outcome. If that means birth control so be it. If the child is already here, make moves to be self sufficient, if you are married and have a divorce, during your marriage have a hobby that makes you money, a hobby that keeps you in shape and a hobby that lets you create. That was my mistake. I absorbed myself into my role as mother and wife, I did not see a future without those roles. It is the same prison. Not thinking about cultivating my life, I had to hustle after the divorce and preform self care at the same time. I thought my marriage was permanent. We were working towards his goal. Had a child while in uni. He got his degree before me and was licensed.

So I thought cool at least my child would be supported. Wrong! My ex husband ended up falling into depression so he didnt work and shut me out when it came to communication. I can give you charts on the inequality of child support versus the cost of living for my area when I became a one parent household and at one point I was working three jobs and two side hustles to compensate at the expense of time away from my child and self care,but that is not a scare tactic for people who been living with the bare essentials starting out. I was by myself, with a child, no identity and unprepared.

Focus more on the girl, the individual than the label: single mother, at risk teen, mother wife.... Those are mutable. Situations change. Focus on self care, self sufficiency, and the three hobbies to cultivate their passion for themselves and career development. The key word is SELF. Everything else, man, baby will fall into place when you set yourself up for your best life. If those things were meant they will pull themselves into your gravity.

Not saying don't go out to date, but it should be all about you, AT ALL TIMES, especially if you are doing personal development, which is at all times, so. Be SELFish. That weeds out the real men from the fake. Nobody can live succinctly in their own realm, I understand, and sometimes I have to remind myself to also practice what I preach, but the reminder in itself is a powerful tool in self care. Sit down and have a dialogue with yourself. Young girl, self, if I let this guy slide in me raw, does the outcome serve the goals I have for myself? Do I have goals? No?!! That is what my mentor, the OP, is suppose to help me realize so I can have the appropriate dialogue, instead of the questions, will HE love me? will HE stay around? Will HE...
 
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Excellent, excellent, EXCELLENT advice, @HappyMadison!!!! :) It is soooo important that Black Women learn to be MORE selfish! We're raised to put everyone's needs before our own . . .and it ain't served us YET! They might pat you on the head and compliment you for being so "strong", but then they'll turn around and share the fruits of their labor with the NEXT chick! We also won't talk about how when you make your children the center of your universe, they may not appreciate it when the are grown. :look:

We can only control our actions, and how we respond to the actions of others. As for Silkycoils in her 40's and beyond, I'm unapologetically ALL about myself! Or should I say . . .I serve ONLY from my overflow. :look:
 
Silkycoils said:
Excellent, excellent, EXCELLENT advice, @HappyMadison!!!! :) It is soooo important that Black Women learn to be MORE selfish! We're raised to put everyone's needs before our own . . .and it ain't served us YET! They might pat you on the head and compliment you for being so "strong", but then they'll turn around and share the fruits of their labor with the NEXT chick! We also won't talk about how when you make your children the center of your universe, they may not appreciate it when the are grown. :look:

We can only control our actions, and how we respond to the actions of others. As for Silkycoils in her 40's and beyond, I'm unapologetically ALL about myself! Or should I say . . .I serve ONLY from my overflow. :look:
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Yup. Because it's damn hard trying to learn how to love yourself later in life versus when you have the world at your feet, but do not know it. By the age of 30, 40, we would be pros at this. Hell, I am 32 and just hear about "self care" last year! Can you imagine how cold black women would be if this was taught in our formative years?!!

So, OP the pivot should always be to self care
 
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