Single and over 30 means no more wish list

mischka said:
Not that I would be buoyed up to date a guy whose 100 lbs overweight, but you guys do realize when you say stuff like this what it equates to is "fat people don't deserve love and relationships," right? This is always really ironic to me considering all the lies and bs people here feed to overweight women.
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If babyu21 was also very overweight I wouldn't have said what I did, I wasn't applying an indictment against all obese people having a love life. Everyone is allowed to have standards and we all judge what is reasonable for ourselves, no way to avoid excluding some folk.

If someone looking like Halle Berry said she's not into Quasimodo looking men that wouldn't mean that Quasimodo doesn't deserve love.. but he may need to look elsewhere, plus Fiona might be fiendin for him and he's been paying her no mind...
 
I was replying in regards to the general statements of "he's so fat he could have a heart attack" and "100 lbs is unreasonable for most people to accept"... whatevs though... that didn't sound like it was about to op to me, it sounded like general musings about fat people. Anyway, I agree now is not the time to debate it in this post. I still think the hypocrisy is funny though, considering how many overweight women post here and no one says that kind of stuff to them. Tangent over.
 
mischka said:
Not that I would be buoyed up to date a guy whose 100 lbs overweight, but you guys do realize when you say stuff like this what it equates to is "fat people don't deserve love and relationships," right? This is always really ironic to me considering all the lies and bs people here feed to overweight women.
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As harsh as it sounds, personal preference is just that personal preference nothing one can do if you do not figure in that equation. As the saying goes one mans rubbish is another's treasure.
 
Mis007 said:
As harsh as it sounds, personal preference is just that personal preference nothing one can do if you do not figure in that equation. As the saying goes one mans rubbish is another's treasure.
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I really don't care. I look good and have a better body than most, so looks preferences don't hurt me none :lol: Just pointing out the hypocrisy...
 
Someone said to me the other day that this is the person that you are going to be spending a lot of time with, so this is the area you must definitely be picky about, don't worry about what other think you ideals are not ridiculous
 
mischka said:
I was replying in regards to the general statements of "he's so fat he could have a heart attack" and "100 lbs is unreasonable for most people to accept"... whatevs though... that didn't sound like it was about to op to me, it sounded like general musings about fat people. Anyway, I agree now is not the time to debate it in this post. I still think the hypocrisy is funny though, considering how many overweight women post here and no one says that kind of stuff to them. Tangent over.
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I see what you're saying but the context of the convos are different. I mean, most of us aren't in the dating market looking at the women who post here.
 
mischka said:
I really don't care. I look good and have a better body than most, so looks preferences don't hurt me none :lol: Just pointing out the hypocrisy...
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There is no hypocrisy in this thread. You are really reaching at this point. Everyone has pretty much agreed that the context of THIS thread is much different.

My friend who is very curvy is married to a man who thinks I need to eat a biscuit. :lol: He obviously has a preference that I don't fit into and I ain't mad at him for it. My aunt always says if you like it I love it. I am not every mans cup of tea and I don't plan on changing myself of losing sleep over it and I don't suggest anyone else do it either. We should all have what is most important to us. If you can find a way to read any more into that then what I intended then you are the one looking for far more in this thread than I the OP ever thought of. :ohwell:

ETA: My primary concern was his ability to color the way I like. That is an issue that only men will have. His ability to change positions and keep up with me are serious concerns. It wouldn't seem that a woman would have that issue.
 
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Don't settle if you want what you want.


I think your friends may have been saying that your list may be all about wants and not needs...IDK.

As far as the bigger guy you are seeing.....let him go especially if you don't want it to go any further with him.
 
OP MY COMMENTS WERE NEVER DIRECTED TOWARD ANYTHING YOU SAID.

I QUOTED THE POSTER I WAS TALKING TO.

WAS NOT TALKING TO NOR REFERRING TO YOU.
 
I agree that regardless of your age you shouldn't settle. Perhaps your married friends were trying to say that once in that married relationship that which they once thought was important in hindsight isn't.
 
You definitely don't have to settle just because you're over 30! Also, you're not asking for terribly much on your wish list. You certainly can find a guy with all of those qualities no matter what your age.

While your dating pool gets smaller when you get over 30, I don't think you have to compromise on things *you* feel are important. You don't have to justify your wishes to anyone. When I was over 30 and dating, I never dated anyone overweight. I didn't have a strict rule against it, but I just was never attracted to those guys. I had no problem finding plenty of in shape guys.

However, I do think as a 30-something single that you keep your mind open enough if you come across an exceptional man who makes you happy who doesn't fit every single criteria on your list. People are more than just a collection of checkboxes and sometimes you can be surprised at the person who ultimately wins your heart.

For instance, when I was dating, one of my criteria was that the man had to have a college degree. When I met dh, he had a great position with a Fortune 50 company and was the clean cut corporate type. He was intelligent and articulate. I just assumed he had been to college because the position he has usually requires a college degree. It wasn't until the third date or so I found out that he only had a G.E.D.! He grew up very poor and dropped out at 15. But he was ambitious and a hard worker and he was able to work his way up from the lowest position at his company to a position that typically requires an MBA. Although he didn't finish his education, he believes in the value of it and is making sure his kids don't follow his example. His company is paying for his college so he will eventually have the degree, the good-paying jobs, and none of the loans that I have (and will continue to have for many, many years).

If I had been too rigid in my checklist, I would have missed out on all the happiness I have in my life now. If I had to do it all over again, I still would try to date only college educated men because I still don't think I would have gotten anywhere dating a whole bunch of high school drop outs. DH was just the exception to the rule.
 
OP, I had to drop a few 'friends' because of this same foolishness. I felt that they didn't respect me when they started with their suggestions. If you know my preferences, likes/dislikes, why throw this person who doesn't meet the criteria in my face. If you wouldn't date him, why should I take him home?

GoddessMaker said:
A male co worker who I did crush on for a minute told me I need not go after a guy who has money..I was like the hell with that I want security.I can't allow others to deter me from my hope.
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Wow, smdh. Sadly, I can believe that there are ladies out there who date (and support) broke bamas because they feel that they can't do any better. Glad you ain't one of them.

mischka said:
I'm not quite that old yet but I do think the older we get the more concessions we have to make. To be quite frank a single woman over 30 isn't viewed by everyone as a catch either if you know what I mean. It's ultimately up to you and how badly you want what you want and how much you're willing to compromise.
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Uh-uh. Can't be, and I don't see why a single woman over 30 (well, no kids, good job, stable, etc.) isn't viewed as a catch. Even men over 30 with kids, no job, etc. get some play.
 
I can relate to the OP. This is why I have stopped talking about my dating life to my married sister and mother. They are way too quick to tell me to date someone that they wouldn't have picked for themselves in a thousand years if they were in my shoes. Their advice increasingly comes across as flippant and thoughtless to me.

For instance, my parents recently had to evict a tenant from a rental of theirs. The evicted tenant is a black guy in his early 30's like me. Nothing against people who can't pay their bills, especially in this economy, but why would my parents encourage me to date a man who has just been evicted...and from their property, at that? This doesn't exactly scream "catch" to me. Then there are others things. He's a devout muslim while I'm a pre-marital-sex-having, cursing-routinely, pork-loving agnostic. My mom also let it be known that the guy believes the moon landing is a hoax (and apparently with such rigor that his landlords know all about it) while I'm a dyed in the wool scientist. Seriously, what part of those two details sounds like we'd be compatible?

Oh, but he's nice, my mother told me. But I need more than nice. She doesn't seem to get that. It's not like putting two random dogs of the opposite sex together and watching them breed, you know.
 
Nix08 said:
I agree that regardless of your age you shouldn't settle. Perhaps your married friends were trying to say that once in that married relationship that which they once thought was important in hindsight isn't.
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This is one of the points my married friend was trying to drive home. She avoided her husband for months because he wasn't her type until she had an Ah Ha moment. I told her that until I get mine I just can't do it. She said she saw him in a different light one night and it was on ever since.

She never said exactly what changed but something clicked and she decided to work with him on his issues. Of course all of his issues were adjustable and he is really nice looking by most standards.
 
chronicity said:
I can relate to the OP. This is why I have stopped talking about my dating life to my married sister and mother. They are way too quick to tell me to date someone that they wouldn't have picked for themselves in a thousand years if they were in my shoes. Their advice increasingly comes across as flippant and thoughtless to me.

For instance, my parents recently had to evict a tenant from a rental of theirs. The evicted tenant is a black guy in his early 30's like me. Nothing against people who can't pay their bills, especially in this economy, but why would my parents encourage me to date a man who has just been evicted...and from their property, at that? This doesn't exactly scream "catch" to me. Then there are others things. He's a devout muslim while I'm a pre-marital-sex-having, cursing-routinely, pork-loving agnostic. My mom also let it be known that the guy believes the moon landing is a hoax (and apparently with such rigor that his landlords know all about it) while I'm a dyed in the wool scientist. Seriously, what part of those two details sounds like we'd be compatible?

Oh, but he's nice, my mother told me. But I need more than nice. She doesn't seem to get that. It's not like putting two random dogs of the opposite sex together and watching them breed, you know.
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Everything about your post is what burns me up the most. I stopped referring to men as "nice" because that is not enough. There are plenty of nice people out there but that is not a foundation for a relationship. And I will NOT give up pork for any man. :nono: Bacon is my friend and always has been. I just hate when people give that kind of advice knowing they would have never entertained a man that like themselves.
 
Can I be honest with you?

Sometimes I feel that when women (especially your 'friends') tell you to overlook your desires in a mate they are miserable themselves and misery loves company...

That's just me though because there's NO WAY I would tell my friend who, not only has a list of qualities she desires in a mate but who also embodies that list to ignore what she really wants all in the name of 'having a mane.'

Men don't settle and neither do you.

Also, don't fall for the 'men-have-more-options-than-women-therefore-they-can-choose- to-be-'picky'...you-on-the-other-hand-should-just-deal.'

If this was the case, why are these men constantly in broken and dead relationships themselves.
 
60 years is a long time to spend with someone just because a girlfriend said to do it. i mean, she doesnt have to wake up with him. i'll stick to my body pillow. at least it doesnt talk ****
 
babyu21 said:
I don't see it that way at all. I look at it this way: I am very petite and not very curvy at all. If a man likes a big butt or a woman who is well endowed up top then I would not be offended if he didn't want to talk to me. One of my male friends has a thing for tall woman. He won't date a chick under 5'10. That is what he likes so who am I to tell him I am offended because I am short.

We are all entitled to our physical deal breakers and what I don't like someone else will love. :yep: This thread was not meant to be a big men/big woman debate but we all want someone who is as physically attracted to us as we are to them.

I just had to double check to make sure I wasn't being unreasonable.
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You're gorgeous, don't settle. Also I don't do morbidly/moderately obese either don't feel bad :ohwell:
 
babyu21 said:
I just hate when people give that kind of advice knowing they would have never entertained a man that like themselves.
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Yeah butyou can't say this to them with the expectation that they'll understand. You're supposed to accept their advice with gratitude lest you come across as too picky and contrarian. Since they're married, this means they are experts on this subject. So you gotta humbly shaddup and listen to their words of wisdom, no matter how insulting they are.

Here's another irksome "tip" from my well-intentioned mother.

Go to Africa, she says. Plenty of men there.

Yes, but there are also plenty of women there. The odds that I have much in common with the average African man are pretty low given the social conservatism there versus here. I'm a premarital sex-having, cursing-routinely, pork-loving agnostic scientist, remember? At any rate, I've been there twice and it wasn't like it was raining great catches. But okay. Africa is a theoretical option, not going to argue.

But then my mother says, And they'll want to be with you because they want to get a green card.

Right, how silly of me to not recognize this "benefit" from the start. Forget about me trying to find a man who wants to be with me because he loves me. My mother experienced the joy of that with my father (I know this because she reminds me of it everytime she recounts the early halcion days of their relationship), but me? Her daughter? Finding a mate who is in love with me sans ulterior motivations is too much to expect. I need to lure a man into my arms with a green card, yall.

So can you tell that I can relate to your issue? After this conversation, I vowed never to talk about dating with my mother again. If she brings it up, I change the subject. There are only so many backhanded slaps in the face I can take before I go off on someone, and I don't want to have to do that to my mother.
 
^^^^^

Oh hecky naw. Your mother told you to go to another continent to find a man?? What in the world was she thinking. At least I can say that my mother never gives me advice on men. After picking my dad she feels she knows nothing about what qualities to look for in a man. :lachen:

I don't even know if I would have been able to remain composed after someone told me something like that.
 
mischka said:
I'm not quite that old yet but I do think the older we get the more concessions we have to make. To be quite frank a single woman over 30 isn't viewed by everyone as a catch either if you know what I mean. It's ultimately up to you and how badly you want what you want and how much you're willing to compromise.
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Hmm. Wow. I guess I can understand where you're coming from. However, I find that it's more of a matter of how you look (when over 30) than actually being 30. It's a mere number. Yes, society (mainly white-america) portrays women as losing their value as they age past their 20s. However, I still feel that it has to with how well you age.

chronicity said:
I can relate to the OP. This is why I have stopped talking about my dating life to my married sister and mother. They are way too quick to tell me to date someone that they wouldn't have picked for themselves in a thousand years if they were in my shoes. Their advice increasingly comes across as flippant and thoughtless to me.

For instance, my parents recently had to evict a tenant from a rental of theirs. The evicted tenant is a black guy in his early 30's like me. Nothing against people who can't pay their bills, especially in this economy, but why would my parents encourage me to date a man who has just been evicted...and from their property, at that? This doesn't exactly scream "catch" to me.
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:lachen::sad: I'm sorry but this is funny and sad, at the same time. I'm in awe of your parents' suggestion...


babyu21 said:
There is no hypocrisy in this thread. You are really reaching at this point. Everyone has pretty much agreed that the context of THIS thread is much different.

My friend who is very curvy is married to a man who thinks I need to eat a biscuit. :lol: He obviously has a preference that I don't fit into and I ain't mad at him for it. My aunt always says if you like it I love it. I am not every mans cup of tea and I don't plan on changing myself of losing sleep over it and I don't suggest anyone else do it either. We should all have what is most important to us. If you can find a way to read any more into that then what I intended then you are the one looking for far more in this thread than I the OP ever thought of. :ohwell:

ETA: My primary concern was his ability to color the way I like. That is an issue that only men will have. His ability to change positions and keep up with me are serious concerns. It wouldn't seem that a woman would have that issue.
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:lachen: On a lighter note.... I'm overweight and do not date fat men for the above reasons, lol.
 
I've had this convo w/my single friends before. I tell them there are certain issues that you're going to go have with any man. He's occasionally going to do stupid things, say things that make you want to slap him, get on your nerves in general. It happens. Especially when you're talking about being married for 50 years. No relationship will be perfect all the time. The problem with settling, is that when your (fat/broke/ugly) man does these normal things that men do, you will resent him so much because you'll know that you settled. You'll be thinking "I can't believe his fat a** had the nerve to..." Because you dropped your standards and gave him a chance you'll expect him to recognize that and be grateful, lol.

I say if you're going to have to live with a man and deal with his crap, the least he can do is be fine and make sure the bills are paid.

Sent from my HTC Evo
 
babyu21 said:
I was just wondering if any other ladies have people in their lives who tell them this kind of stuff.
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Nope, not at all, especially my guy friends. I usually hear about women telling other women to settle and men telling women to not settle.
 
babyu21 said:
There is no hypocrisy in this thread. You are really reaching at this point. Everyone has pretty much agreed that the context of THIS thread is much different.

My friend who is very curvy is married to a man who thinks I need to eat a biscuit. :lol: He obviously has a preference that I don't fit into and I ain't mad at him for it. My aunt always says if you like it I love it. I am not every mans cup of tea and I don't plan on changing myself of losing sleep over it and I don't suggest anyone else do it either. We should all have what is most important to us. If you can find a way to read any more into that then what I intended then you are the one looking for far more in this thread than I the OP ever thought of. :ohwell:

ETA: My primary concern was his ability to color the way I like. That is an issue that only men will have. His ability to change positions and keep up with me are serious concerns. It wouldn't seem that a woman would have that issue.
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This is one of the reasons I decided to become celibate. Most men can't keep up with me in bed and it frustrates the hell outta me. :nono: So it's best that I just don't have sex...for now. :look: And I'm good with that.

Don't settle babyu21. You are too gorgeous and too great of a catch to settle for less than what your heart desires. If you were to bite the bullet and go into a relationship with the obese man, he wouldn't be settling. He would be getting exactly what he wanted in a woman; so why should one person in the relationship be happy and the other person be miserable? :nono:
 
chronicity said:
Oh, but he's nice, my mother told me. But I need more than nice. She doesn't seem to get that. It's not like putting two random dogs of the opposite sex together and watching them breed, you know.
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your mom sounds like my mom. I'm only 23 but my mom thinks 'nice' is the only prerequisite for me to date someone because it's the reason she married my dad (along with security and stability). I need more than nice. A guy can be nice but that doesn't mean he's the right guy for me.
 
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