Single and over 30 means no more wish list

babyu21

babyu21

New Member
My history: 32, single (have been for a while), no kids.
My wish list: confident, humble, physically fit (those are my only non-negotiables.

I had a conversation with two friends today, one is married has been for 8 years with 4 kids and the other is 25 engaged baby number 3 is on the way. I often discuss my dating escapades with them (mistake number 1). Recently, I have been hanging out with a male friend who is a really great guy and he always takes me to the nicest place BUT he would be classified as obese. He is probably like 125 pounds over weight and I am not physically attracted to him which means he doesn't qualify as physically fit.

Today's conversation went something like this: Babyu21 you need to let go of your list and just give it a try. (they are talking about coloring) I told them I am just not physically attracted to him and they kept saying I was letting the physical stuff get in the way and that he could be the one for me. They both have mates that are very attractive and I just can't stand when people act like because I am over 30 and still single I should let go of all my wants.

The younger person said the only thing on my list should be that he really loves and adores me but that is a given. A troll under a bridge could offer me that but do I want to color with him at night NO.

I was just wondering if any other ladies have people in their lives who tell them this kind of stuff. I don't want him to get his clothes off for me to tell him "ummm no this ain't gonna work".

I mean really, am I at the point where I have to take whatever comes my way. I keep telling them that I will remain single until I find someone who meets my core requirements.

Sorry this is so long but I am really getting tired of having this discussion with folks. I know that I haven't held out this long not to have someone who I want to color with often.
 
thank you for posting this! i'm 31, and have the same history as you, and i get the same from certain people in my life. don't settle for anything less than you want and deserve! i know i'm not!
 
The heart wants what it wants. You can't let other people dictate to you what you should accept. I am 38 and my list is still the same. No kids, college, trustworthy, kind, generous and never been married. The last guy I dated was not my type physically but I was presently surprised at his coloring game. All that to say if your not physically into him your not into him.
 
I just wish I had more single friends but they all live really far from me or our schedules just don't work out. I used to think married friends were great but now I wish I had more people to talk to that are in the same position as I am in right now.

It doesn't help that all of my past relationships have been with men who are extremely fit. And when I say extreme I mean six pack and very little body fat it any. I can't go from that to a guy with mitties bigger than mine.
 
babyu21 said:
I just wish I had more single friends but they all live really far from me or our schedules just don't work out. I used to think married friends were great but now I wish I had more people to talk to that are in the same position as I am in right now.

I know what you mean all my friends in chicago are married with kids so it's no one to kick it with and now that I am poor I can't make down to Dallas to see my kicking buddies. So it's just me and the cat for the next 7 months.
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Since when is 30 the age where you should settle???
I say keep your list and don't settle for anything.

Sent from my HTC EVO
 
Sorry your friends make you feel this way. I am 31 and some of my married friends act like I should be rushing and working on getting married ASAP and compromising on what I would like in a mate.
Problem is, I have never felt the pressure that society tries to put on being a single woman over 30 interested in marriage. I have never understood why that is the age Im supposed to start panicking. Their opinions never affect me. I know what I want and it will happen for me when the time is right.
 
Thanks ladies, I knew in my heart that I was correct in how I felt. I will have to end all conversations about my love life with them. I know they think they are helping but they both have their own issues they really need to work on. If I had a warm body at night I don't think I would even murmur a word about wanting to find someone.
 
Nope don't settle. Keep your list realistic and/or make adjustments as you change, grow, etc. But don't settle.

I've said this a hundred times on this board. But one of my non-negotiables is height, I got bashed (online and off). But I'm attracted to tall men, they stir something in me that I like and want to still feel with whomever I'm dating/marrying. That's my thing and it's right for me.

You want a guy that's physically fit. He has everything BUT that one requirement, he's not for you.

Also, look at it this way. If you found a guy that has majority of the things you are looking for...that may mean you are one step closer being with your COMPLETE PACKAGE.
 
babyu21 said:
Thanks ladies, I knew in my heart that I was correct in how I felt. I will have to end all conversations about my love life with them. I know they think they are helping but they both have their own issues they really need to work on. If I had a warm body at night I don't think I would even murmur a word about wanting to find someone.
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HONESTLY!!! Married women who has a GOOD MAN overall; shouldn't really complain. Because the alternative is snuggling up against your body pillow, dog, cat, teddy bear....:sad:
 
MarriageMaterial I couldn't have put it better myself. I plan on taking your advice to keep a realistic list that changes and grows as I do.

And the younger one who is pregnant has a man, one who can't afford $10 extra bucks to buy 3 packs of diapers I found on sale. She often talks about how strong their love is an all that good stuff but that won't keep a roof over your head and food on the table. Call me whatever you want but you got to handle the basics first. Love can't buy diapers for your baby but I good steady job will.
 
Im 25 and there are things I won't settle for even though I'm not ideal bc I'm not Halle Berry fine.But as someone said you want what you want and as long as it's not something crazy as he needs to be like a demi god then go for it..its nothing like having what you like and giving it all you have..I have been one who settled in the past just to say I have a man and was so embarrassed by him bc he wasn't really attractive..now I won't even put myself in that mix.A male co worker who I did crush on for a minute told me I need not go after a guy who has money..I was like the hell with that I want security.I can't allow others to deter me from my hope.
 
babyu21 said:
@MarriageMaterial I couldn't have put it better myself. I plan on taking your advice to keep a realistic list that changes and grows as I do.

And the younger one who is pregnant has a man, one who can't afford $10 extra bucks to buy 3 packs of diapers I found on sale. She often talks about how strong their love is an all that good stuff but that won't keep a roof over your head and food on the table. Call me whatever you want but you got to handle the basics first. Love can't buy diapers for your baby but I good steady job will.
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No problem. Just remember no one can tell you what's best for YOU! Especially, when you are being real about it.

Bold Exactly!!! Which is why I don't have a problem being "picky" and "sticking to my list." I have a pretty good idea what I need now and what I will need long term.

I refuse to be one of those women who say:

"He loves me." - although he can't rub two dimes together.

"He's a Christian man." - although he won't go to work and is lazy.

"He's a hard worker." - but yet he doesn't love you or don't acknowledge your needs.

And so and so on.....NO, I rather wait until the RIGHT guy comes along.
 
I think your list is reasonable, although finding a man who is both humble and confident may be an interesting challenge. I do think your friends are tripping. Why on earth would you settle for someone who is more than 100 pounds overweight? That is cray cray!:spinning: From your avatar you appear to be very pretty and fit. No reason for you to stray so far from your desires. And honestly if it came to that, I think it would be better to stay single.
 
Just because you are over 30 doesn't mean you should settle. You can't be happy with just a few of the things you want.... Go for it all! Plus, whats with the hang up at age 30? Its not even like we women blessed with our skin even look 30!!! This madness has to stop. Stop listening to your married friends. They may want the best for you but they don't know what the best -for you- is!
 
This thread is right on time..I went out with a good friend of mine and I was approached by a not so attractive guy (in my opinion) and I politely turned him down
Friend: SM, why didnt you give him your number?
Me: He wasnt my type
Friend: girrrll, didnt you say you were looking for a man? He wasnt that bad, yall could start off as friends
Me: * rolls eyes and sucks teeth* Would you date him?
Friend: * silence*

So why should I? Just because Im a lil older now and single, I gotta grab the first thing with a penis and do a jig? Hell no..I definitely been keeping my dating life to myself and going out alone more often..I totally feel where you are coming from OP..We all have flaws but dammit, I gotta atleast be able to look him in the eye..

Sent from my Sprint HTC Evo using Long Hair Care Forum App
 
I'm not quite that old yet but I do think the older we get the more concessions we have to make. To be quite frank a single woman over 30 isn't viewed by everyone as a catch either if you know what I mean. It's ultimately up to you and how badly you want what you want and how much you're willing to compromise.
 
Before I got married, a friend of mine tried to hook me up with a friend of her husband. The guy turned out to be shorter than me (the one thing I was specific about), thought he was the best thing that had happened to me and tried to belittle me when I called him on his BS.

That same year I was introduced to my husband. I agree with the other ladies, do not compromise on certain things or else you will be miserable.
 
I could understand if you had some crazy list but you seem to be very reasonable. I have a rule: If I can't imagine myself kissing you, we cannot date, you will not grow on me. Its Dead on Arrival.

You will find an attractive man, who is right for you I am sure :)
 
SuchMagnificance OMG you had me rolling when you said "you got to at least be able to look him in the eye" I am with you 100% on that one. I like to keep the lights on when coloring and I really wouldn't be able to do that with homeboy. They had me doubting myself for a hot second but now I am back on track. I know what I need better than anyone and know several folks who are divorcing at the moment so I think I made the right decisions in the past.

This has me thinking I need to go on a cutie run this weekend. Hmmm....
 
your wish list is totally reasonable. you're not asking for anything crazy. what's the point on having someone you don't want?
 
babyu21 said:
Recently, I have been hanging out with a male friend who is a really great guy and he always takes me to the nicest place BUT he would be classified as obese. He is probably like 125 pounds over weight and I am not physically attracted to him which means he doesn't qualify as physically fit.
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You shouldn't and don't have to settle. If dude is taking you nice places in the hopes of a relationship and you know it's a no go, then you should stop going on what sounds like dates with him. You're wasting your time and his.
 
UrbainChic said:
I could understand if you had some crazy list but you seem to be very reasonable. I have a rule: If I can't imagine myself kissing you, we cannot date, you will not grow on me. Its Dead on Arrival.

You will find an attractive man, who is right for you I am sure :)
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:lachen: Me and some friends have the same rule! Physical attraction is important as well ladies.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
You shouldn't and don't have to settle. If dude is taking you nice places in the hopes of a relationship and you know it's a no go, then you should stop going on what sounds like dates with him. You're wasting your time and his.
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I've told my friends that I usually don't like to go out with men who I am not physically attracted to but they encourage me to just go out and have a good time, just relax and enjoy yourself. But what they fail to realize is that men spend time and money on you for a reason they are all working their way up to something. I will be sticking to my guns from this point forward.

I will likely tell him that I enjoy his company but it ends there. It will be up to him to decide if he still wants to hang out and kick it.
 
You really can't take everyone's advice...though most people mean well.

Yea there's a time to step back and make sure you're not expecting perfection in a guy but 100 lbs overweight is unreasonable for most to accept. Not to mention that he could very well have a heart attack at 45 or something.. heart health and blood pressure issues are a big deal for guys over 40, it's not something to be taken lightly. He can treat you nice, and God forbid, fall over dead or become infirmed before he's 50.. what good would that do you?
 
Raspberry said:
You really can't take everyone's advice...though most people mean well.

Yea there's a time to step back and make sure you're not expecting perfection in a guy but 100 lbs overweight is unreasonable for most to accept. Not to mention that he could very well have a heart attack at 45 or something.. heart health and blood pressure issues are a big deal for guys over 40, it's not something to be taken lightly. He can treat you nice, and God forbid, fall over dead or become infirmed before he's 50.. what good would that do you?
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Not that I would be buoyed up to date a guy whose 100 lbs overweight, but you guys do realize when you say stuff like this what it equates to is "fat people don't deserve love and relationships," right? This is always really ironic to me considering all the lies and bs people here feed to overweight women.
 
babyu21 said:
I've told my friends that I usually don't like to go out with men who I am not physically attracted to but they encourage me to just go out and have a good time, just relax and enjoy yourself. But what they fail to realize is that men spend time and money on you for a reason they are all working their way up to something. I will be sticking to my guns from this point forward.

I will likely tell him that I enjoy his company but it ends there. It will be up to him to decide if he still wants to hang out and kick it.
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Exactly. Let him find somebody who will love him as he is.

Society puts on the pressure to get married by a certain age, but it's not society that's going to have decades of a lousy sex life.
 
mischka said:
Not that I would be buoyed up to date a guy whose 100 lbs overweight, but you guys do realize when you say stuff like this what it equates to is "fat people don't deserve love and relationships," right? This is always really ironic to me considering all the lies and bs people here feed to overweight women.
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I don't see it that way at all. I look at it this way: I am very petite and not very curvy at all. If a man likes a big butt or a woman who is well endowed up top then I would not be offended if he didn't want to talk to me. One of my male friends has a thing for tall woman. He won't date a chick under 5'10. That is what he likes so who am I to tell him I am offended because I am short.

We are all entitled to our physical deal breakers and what I don't like someone else will love. :yep: This thread was not meant to be a big men/big woman debate but we all want someone who is as physically attracted to us as we are to them.

I just had to double check to make sure I wasn't being unreasonable.
 
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