SINGLE and FAT at the SAME TIME!

[Incognitus]

I've been SINGLE and I've been FAT, but I've never been BOTH at the same time.
​

This tread is to encourage an open discussion about single/dating life, while young and overweight. I do not mean 15-20lbs overweight. I mean truly overweight. You could have been overweight all your life, or just recently put on the pounds. Furthermore, this in not limited to single/dating, but also to male/female relationship in general (i.e. DH, BF, FH, etc).

I would like to talk about the effects your weight has had on your relatonships, physical intimacy, dating/single life, and the likes. For some reason, I feel that this situation is more difficult to deal with becasue I am younger. But perhaps this is simply my own bias.

I'm recently single and weight MUCH more than when I first met my ex. Much. More. So now I'm dealing with being lonely, but not yet comfortable with dating because of my new size. It's almost like I'm a stranger in my own body. Actually, I started feeling this way quite some time before I became single. It didn't bother me as much because I thought this guy was "the one" and that I would lose the new weight. But towards the end of our relationship, I could sense my weight coming between us (if that makes sense). I could sense his lack of desire, or better yet, my lack of allure. My weight has fluctuated in the past (usually due to stress), but I've always been able to lose the weight fairly quickly.

Anyhow, I though it would be good to have a sounding board for all the young (or young at heart) single women who also happen to be overweight.

Let's share our struggles and support each other!

 

[Shinka]

I felt this way over the past two years. Then in Jan, I decided to address the weight issue by eating healthier and exercise. I did it for my self love and confidence, but more men are approaching me. Probably due more to my comfort with myself.

My best advice is to address what's bothering you.I.e.
Why did you gain the weight? Emotions like depression, physical problem that needs medical attention, bad eating choices or lack of exercise?

Once I addressed some emotional stuff I felt better to address my physical self as my weighty gain was as an adult. Everyday I am feeling more centered.

I would also offer don't look to a man to validate you. Do what you need to do to feel beautiful inside and out.

 

[VelvetRain]

This is the heaviest I have been all my life and honestly it has affected my dating life. I met a man almost a year ago that I fell for hard. The feelings were mutual but he confided he couldn't forsee anything permanent with me at the time because of my weight. Boy was that a blow to my self esteem. The interesting thing is that it's not super obvious I am overweight because my I am very tall and my height hides it well. Men are so darn observant.

The past 4 months have been a challenge because of my foot surgery. Because I couldn't
really workout because I was non weightbearing I watched my caloric intake and did
seated exercises. To date I have lost 25 pounds and dropped one pants size. I feel great and my walking since surgerey is steadily improving. My goal is to lose 25 more pounds to further improve my health and avoid potential foot issues on the non surgical foot.

I am doing all this for me to be in the best condition I can be in. If men take notice that is an added benefit. I just feel that slimmer women have way more options in the dating world.

 

[PrettyBeautiful]

I see that a lot of women deal with this issue. You get to comfortable with a guy and you think he's the one to the point when u start letting yourself go. You eat and don't care you don't fix your hair that often etc. Your suppose to keep yourself up regardless because then you can risk losing that Man and I'm not saying losing them just because of your weight I'm just speaking in general because when their gone what you gonna do? Who you gonna have? You don't wanna just go for a man that likes big women because then your just cheating yourself. My advice to you is to get in that gym and get on a diet and get back to the old you or even better then the old you. You only have one life to live and you should live it comfortably and confident in the skin your in

 

[Renewed1]

I first started to gain weight when I was with my ex. I blew up to over 210 pounds. But I was stressed because of our relationship.

Now, I weight about 203 at last check up. But I'm losing inches....quickly. So I'm not bothered by the weight.

For myself, is when I gained the weight I stopped feeling sexy, desirable, beautiful. I let myself go...I would wear big baggy clothes, my hair, I looked like a dude.

I lost the allure of being a feminine and sexy. NOW I gained it back. Because I decided to look in the mirror and compliment myself. Yes, I'm overweight, but I have big boobs, I have an hour glass figure, etc etc.

God has dealt with me about my size and men and he brought one important fact to my attention.......my size WILL NOT deter the RIGHT guy for me. (I do believe a woman still have to feminine and sexy, etc. Because men are visual.)

But there are men, gorgeous, skinny, built, etc that wants a woman with meat on her bones. Just as there are skinny girls that want a guy with meat on his bones. It's so individual, that you can't put every person in a bucket. Doing so you are damaging no one but yourself.

 

[ThickHair]

I have never had any problems.

 

[Lissa0821]

For me being single and fat has not been a problem but it isn't my weight that has made a difference but my attitude about me. I was fortunate enough to have dated someone that was totally in love with my body. When we met I was a size 8 and we were friends for over a year, during that time I got engaged to someone else, pregnant, lost the baby and ended that relationship. He stood by my side as my friend the entire time. It was months before we became a couple and the first time we were intimate I was 188 pounds, now mind you when he met me I was 145. We were together for several years and due my stressful job and the fact I use to be an emotional eater my weight went up to 215. To this day, he never criticized me about my weight, not one comment was made to me. I would make comments but he would brush them off. I was amazed that he could get a "stiff one" whenever I walked into the room as "big" as I was but he did time and time again. Now that relationship ended for other reasons that were not related to my weight but I can say I walked away with the confidence that while I may not be for every man, there is a man that wants what I have.

I will be honest I do not entertain men who have a particular preference in body types that I don't have and vocal about it to the point of suggesting I am lacking something. But I have experienced men who have said I was not their type body wise but not they are believers.

I say all that to say, your weight is not the issue it is the by product of something deeper. Your weight will not keep a man from desiring you, 9 time out 10 its the disbelief you have in yourself that this weight will keep a man from desiring you.

There are plenty of things that are beautiful about you right now, so embrace those qualities. If weight loss is your goal, go for it because you are beautiful anyway.

I have since that time lost 20 pounds and have kept if off for about 4 years now and I have finally returning to the gym to lose another 10. But I am kind of different for the most women, I like my fluffiness and curves so I am not trying to lose too much but give my body more tone and definition.

Sorry if I am longwinded but this is an issue that speak so closely to my heart and I know I have wasted so much time worrying about my weight than loving me. I want the same for you, if I have offended you or made any assumptions that are untrue please forgive me.

 

[ThickHair]

I say all that to say, your weight is not the issue it is the by product of something deeper. Your weight will not keep a man from desiring you, 9 time out 10 its the disbelief you have in yourself that this weight will keep a man from desiring you.

Amen Amen Amen Amen

 

[Je Ne Sais Quoi]

This is an excellent thread. Though I am "only" 20-26 pounds over weight I can still very much relate.

 

[hopeful]

I could stand to lose 30-40 pounds. No matter what my size my husband has always loved me, still been attracted to me, and has never criticized me about my weight. When we met I was very slim though. Even at this heavier weight I still turn heads. But when I am just 20 pounds lighter I turn quite a few more heads. And I know that if I were looking for a mate my options would be severely limited. I would need to be much slimmer (30-40 pounds lighter) to get the type of man I currently have and would want. I know very few handsome, well-educated, gainfully employed, ambitious men looking for a fat wife or girlfriend. That is my opinion and how I see it. I really want to lose the weight for myself, my health, and because I know I do look better slimmer, which in turn makes me feel better.

 

[aribell]

Somehow I packed on about 40 pounds my last year of college. A desk job after that put on another 15. When I realized that I'm now 60lbs heavier than my college weight I was just I'm working on it for me because I want to look and feel my personal best, but I cannot do it for the sake of dating. Honestly, it was at my heaviest that I had two marriage-minded suitors. I've dated much more at the heavier weight than the lighter one, so I know for sure that there are men who either like fuller women or simply aren't picky about that. I had a cousin, for instance who was just like "I like attractive women, period. Fat, skinny, dark skinned, light skinned, whatever." So while I am definitely going to lose this weight (and more!) I feel like it's necessary to keep in mind the fact that I am worthy of love right now and that there are men right now who'd want to be with me. Otherwise, I feel like I could easily lose weight and nevertheless carry an attitude of low self-esteem that says, "In order to be worthy of this man's love I have to remain X pounds, or a size X."

This lady's youtube channel is awesome and she speaks on this topic (after having lost 80+ pounds): http://www.youtube.com/user/beautifulbrwnbabydol?blend=1&ob=4#p/u/134/2xMPmrMqKUc

Even at this heavier weight I still turn heads. But when I am just 20 pounds lighter I turn quite a few more heads. And I know that if I were looking for a mate my options would be severely limited. I would need to be much slimmer (30-40 pounds lighter) to get the type of man I currently have and would want. I know very few handsome, well-educated, gainfully employed, ambitious men looking for a fat wife or girlfriend.

This is honest. I think it takes work to keep that balance between knowing fully that I am beautiful and worthy now, but also that strategically (as a single woman) I will fare even better at a lower weight. I do wonder sometimes if the type of men pursuing would be different if I were thin. I'm curious to find out. Also, I think it makes such a big difference in attitude when you are happy with yourself that you're bound to attract more people just because of the more positive energy you radiate.

 

[VelvetRain]

I could stand to lose 30-40 pounds. No matter what my size my husband has always loved me, still been attracted to me, and has never criticized me about my weight. When we met I was very slim though. Even at this heavier weight I still turn heads. But when I am just 20 pounds lighter I turn quite a few more heads. And I know that if I were looking for a mate my options would be severely limited. I would need to be much slimmer (30-40 pounds lighter) to get the type of man I currently have and would want. I know very few handsome, well-educated, gainfully employed, ambitious men looking for a fat wife or girlfriend. That is my opinion and how I see it. I really want to lose the weight for myself, my health, and because I know I do look better slimmer, which in turn makes me feel better.

Thank you Hopeful for keeping it real. I don't know any men in my circle who will date an overweight chick. They all want the slimmer body style. I can't blame them. I don't like to date obese men either. Why settle for a
a boxy Volkswagen when you are presented with a sleek Mercedes?

Your husband seems like a real gem. Those type of men still exist but they are rare.

 

[Priss Pot]

IMO, truthfully, being fat doesn't automatically mean you will get no play....but it does limit your pool options. If you feel that fat is what is keeping you from attracting more men, then you have to do what you have to do. But if there's something deeper than that layer of fat, then losing weight will not change a thing. You have to work on yourself inside and out.

I remember growing up my mom would always say things like "I already got my husband, so I don't have to worry about my weight...it's you who'll have to worry about getting someone." My mom felt that letting herself go was okay, and I thought that women letting themselves go was normal. I'm glad that I've come into my own and don't share that mentality. Men are visual creatures, and they have to be visually stimulated. Not all men are going to expect you to be Halle Berry for the rest of your life, but you can't walk around just not giving a fug and looking like 350lb Chubaka and expect for your man to still fall to his feet over you. You have to find a balance somewhere. I don't find a problem with a woman wanting to slim down to look better (especially for her man) and him supporting her. His support actually would make it all the worth while.

 

[C@ssandr@]

I appreciate this thread. I'm about 25 lbs overweight and I realized recently that it wouldn't make sense for me to worry about men not loving me because of my size. I've grown tired of my insecurities. I've spent 15 years with low self esteem (i'm 27 y/o).

I started off picking things I loved about me and taking care of myself. First it was my skin (because it was the easiest), then hair. Now I exercise and eat better.

It's funny because just yesterday my brother asked me what I thought of myself. I replied (to my own surprise)" I'm cute, pretty and beautiful, imo. I consider myself a dime."
I'm like a well made cake...me being 25 lbs lighter is simply a cherry on top, doesn't make or break the quality of the pastry.

 

[C@ssandr@]

Side story:

I had a room mate in college who was 250lbs. She carried it well...she was a cheerleader too. True story!

I envied her confidence. She was pullin' them in like it was nothing. She dressed well, she was too cute, kept her hair together. She was just so much fun to be around and an inspiration. Kinda miss her

 

[Priss Pot]

Side story:

I had a room mate in college who was 250lbs. She carried it well...she was a cheerleader too. True story!

I envied her confidence. She was pullin' them in like it was nothing. She dressed well, she was too cute, kept her hair together. She was just so much fun to be around and an inspiration. Kinda miss her

I know this was a side story, but I still wanted to comment. Sometimes, I think that situations like the above bother some people on the outside looking in.

1) Situations like those are usually exceptions, not the rule.
2) People think that because someone is big they are supposed to wallow in self pity and be all "woe is me." That is not the case. Do you know how many people are missing out on life because they feel they don't look the part to enjoy it? I've seen overweight people speak about all of the things they want to do once they lose weight, basically they feel they can't enjoy what life has to offer until they're small. example: "I can't wait to lose weight so that I can go to the beach." When you have that mindset, IMO, you're more likely to stay in your overweight situation for a longer period because you can become depressed. What people don't realize is that when you feel good about yourself, you will do better. There is an expectation in society for fat people to be in the background, longing to do the normal things in life . It's become a common mentality where an overweight person who is actually enjoying life has to be shot down by an outsider to be made to feel that they shouldn't be happy because they are overweight. It's counterproductive. People fail to realize that imposing misery on someone will only prolong the problem. There are people in this world who would love to tell your roommate that she shouldn't be the happy person that she is because she is overweight....who will doubt her ability to "pull" or to even do a split (since she's a cheerleader).

I guess all of this was said to say, you really have to find it within yourself to want to change for the better because others will always disappoint. You can't surround yourself with negative thinking people who think that you should wallow in self pity and envy someone else's lifestyle.

Be the change you want to be, and HAVE FUN doing it, don't let others make you feel bad about yourself. You may be 25-50lbs overweight and feel like total sh!t but you have to keep positive thoughts about yourself in that you can and WILL be better. Some men find it sexy to know that a woman is working on herself .

 

[C@ssandr@]

^^^^^

Agreed. And I meant she was "pullin" in the dudes. It took me a long time to realize that weight has nothing to do with it. And me loving myself more has been the best motivator health-wise so far. Like I said my weight loss is the cherry on top for me, lol. It's all a tasty cake (sorry, I like snacks). I've been single for 2 months and i'm choosing to enjoy life .

 

[hopeful]

.............

 

[s_terry]

Unfortunately, I can totally relate. I have experienced the exact same thing . I have put on weight due to extended stress from work and my now defunct relationship. I have to admit that I have lost myself in this job. It is so demanding and I put such high standards on myself, plus these ****'s just f'in pile it on, I have lost myself. I have been unhappy for quite sometime, but am having a hard, hard time breaking this cycle. I look in the mirror and don't even see myself anymore. The demanding hours leave me with little energy for much else.

I broke up my relationship due to the fights about the job, but I also realize he wasn't the one for me. Instead of being supportive, and helping me he just caused more stress from his demands. When I finally accepted he wanted change for him, but was not going to step up to help me get out, I knew then it was time to go. I think he liked having an educated, career girl, fiancee with no baby daddies, but didn't understand the amount of dedication it required, and he sure as hell wasn't willing to take the reins for a minute so I could regroup for my health and our relationship. Haven't looked back on that one.

I am looking into the import/export business to start my own business. If I can get out of corp america, and God please make a decent living, I will never go back again.

Who knew that "leading" people is code word for having to think for every damn body!! Sometimes it boggles my mind. In a way God has blessed me in this. Being the only AA female thriving in an white male engineering and technology environment has really made me realize just how bright I am even though along the way there were plenty who tried to make me believe otherwise. Oh the irony! Here's a funny for you. One of the same teams I used to work with, had to put a call into the SVP to ask if they could procure me for a project. Apparently, they have communicated that they just can't get it done without me. These same ****'s are the ones that gave me hell when I worked with them, often making slick innuendo whenever they could to this same SVP that I often didn't know what I was talking about when I would have to highlight some F'd up crap that had happened that explained why things weren't working as they should. I never threw them under the bus, but after so many incidents it was obvious. Now they want to break me out of my current assignment to assist them?? So damn funny!!! I am trying to prevent this. One, cause I ain't getting paid to two damn jobs, and two I just don't have the bandwidth. I have my own dysfunctional employees to deal with, and as always, I am expected to move mountains and walk on water for things those in the past haven't even come close to attaining. Maybe I need to just stop delivering and they will fire me. I am petrified of being broke though so I just keep on keeping on.

Thank you Jesus!! But I have got to lose this weight, and the blessing would be I believe is getting my life back from this job. Yesterday I got my knees and cried because I am just so damn tired......

Hope I didn't highjack the thread. It's good to talk about because it is the very thing I too am struggling with.

 

[hopeful]

(((hugs))) s_terry Many of us struggle with this weight because of situations like yours. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

I have come to realize that I have been in this gain - lose - gain cycle for years because of the child abuse I suffered from. The after affects are so complex. Adult survivors of child abuse often eat to soothe and comfort ourselves because the memories are so painful and because deep down inside we feel the abuse was our fault even though we were just innocent children and the abuser was more than likely an adult male in a trusted position. Deep down inside we also believe something about us must be wrong or flawed because why else would this trusted adult hurt us or use us like this? The bottomline is that we weren't loved or cared for properly as children and therefore never learned how to love or care for ourselves properly. So we try to keep these sad thoughts buried deep inside to avoid dealing with them. In a way we continue to abuse ourselves because it's what we know, learned, and are comfortable with. Sooner or later all of it: the memories and the false beliefs must be dealt with. I am doing this with the help of a wonderful therapist, my husband, friends, good books, and prayer. But it is hard hard work and my weight has nothing to do with me being weak or lazy and everything to do with childhood trauma and the psychological after affects. For most of us the reasons are very deep and sad. Most of us cannot move forward without dealing with the past and repairing how we think.

s_terry I pray you find or are able to create the break you need. You deserve a better life.

 

[hopeful]

And I'm not saying everyone is overweight for psychological reasons or because they were abused, or that being fat is some kind of disease. Just speaking for myself and many others who have suffered from childhood abuse.

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

I have come to the realization that I need to lose about 40lbs. The type of guys that try to date me now are not the same guys that approached me before I gained weight. So I really need to get it together. I am not as confident at my current weight, so maybe that has something to do with it. For me being heavy and dating is not whats up.

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[sky_blu]

I have come to the realization that I need to lose about 40lbs. The type of guys that try to date me now are not the same guys that approached me before I gained weight. So I really need to get it together. I am not as confident at my current weight, so maybe that has something to do with it. For me being heavy and dating is not whats up.

Sent from my HTC Glacier using HTC Glacier

I definitely can relate. Which is want I decided to take back control of my life and lose this weight. I definitely attract different guys when I'm over my preferred weight than when I'm heavier. I also trend to gs un weight when I'm in a relationship bc my guys like to eat. Good thread OP.

 

[justicefighter1913]

Thank you for this thread OP and others that have shared. It'll take me too long to go into my story, but I'll just say that I'm sitting at 205lbs and I need to lose at least 60. I moved to a new place (which I absolutely hate), I have a job that is stressful, and I'm single without any future prospects. I used to be uber confident, happy, and relatively carefree, but boy....putting on weight really does something to you. I've started going to the gym and working on the issues that are inside. I can only speak for myself, but the eating is only a manifestation of deeper issues. Once I take care of those things, then I'll be back to my normal self.

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

I definitely can relate. Which is want I decided to take back control of my life and lose this weight. I definitely attract different guys when I'm over my preferred weight than when I'm heavier. I also trend to gs un weight when I'm in a relationship bc my guys like to eat. Good thread OP.

Yes I gained weight with my ex.... Then when I started trying to lisr weight, he wanted to keep me fat. Now we broke up and I have some extra love pounds!

Sent from my HTC Glacier using HTC Glacier

 

[aribell]

I definitely can relate. Which is want I decided to take back control of my life and lose this weight. I definitely attract different guys when I'm over my preferred weight than when I'm heavier. I also trend to gs un weight when I'm in a relationship bc my guys like to eat. Good thread OP.

I have come to the realization that I need to lose about 40lbs. The type of guys that try to date me now are not the same guys that approached me before I gained weight. So I really need to get it together. I am not as confident at my current weight, so maybe that has something to do with it. For me being heavy and dating is not whats up.

sky_blu & Do_Si_Dos

Would you all mind elaborating on the bolded? What differences have you noticed?

 

[itsjusthair88]

THANK YOU for this thread. I have been overweight my entire life, but for the first time I don't feel attractive and that's when I knew it was time to lose weight. I have lost about 15 lbs and would like to weigh around 199 by the end of the summer, so about 30 lbs to lose...it's not even about the man, it's about ME not feeling MYSELF and how can I expect a man to be feeling me if I'm not? This thread should be an ongoing thing because we all need the support, it's hard enough being (newly) single...but add the weight too (no pun intended)? It's a lot for a sister.

 

[s_terry]

(((hugs))) s_terry Many of us struggle with this weight because of situations like yours. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

I have come to realize that I have been in this gain - lose - gain cycle for years because of the child abuse I suffered from. The after affects are so complex. Adult survivors of child abuse often eat to soothe and comfort ourselves because the memories are so painful and because deep down inside we feel the abuse was our fault even though we were just innocent children and the abuser was more than likely an adult male in a trusted position. Deep down inside we also believe something about us must be wrong or flawed because why else would this trusted adult hurt us or use us like this? The bottomline is that we weren't loved or cared for properly as children and therefore never learned how to love or care for ourselves properly. So we try to keep these sad thoughts buried deep inside to avoid dealing with them. In a way we continue to abuse ourselves because it's what we know, learned, and are comfortable with. Sooner or later all of it: the memories and the false beliefs must be dealt with. I am doing this with the help of a wonderful therapist, my husband, friends, good books, and prayer. But it is hard hard work and my weight has nothing to do with me being weak or lazy and everything to do with childhood trauma and the psychological after affects. For most of us the reasons are very deep and sad. Most of us cannot move forward without dealing with the past and repairing how we think.

s_terry I pray you find or are able to create the break you need. You deserve a better life.

Thank you hopeful. You are sweet. I too have had my cycles. I come from a family on my dad's side that had bigger women. I have always had to watch it. Once I got it off (early twenties), I had it off for years. I knew I had it going on!

It's been in the last 3-4 years I have gained and just can't seem to get it off! I have never had a problem with lack of discipline in this area. The lack of time or energy to exercise, and always just making the next deadline is ridiculous. I am an emotional eater. I think I can honestly say that I gain when I am stressed/depressed.

Please get whatever healing you need regarding the sexual abuse. It sounds as if you have a loving relationship in which you can heal. It's so sad that you have to live with this your whole adult life. I think for all of us the question becomes how? How do you get beyond it? Very often it's just enough to keep from going under.


How do you break the cycle? I did have a career coach and counselor. She was pretty good. I believe she was a lesbian feminist. Not once did she argue my perceptions of how I was being treated by the you know who's. She tried to help me manage it, and figure out how to cope and make a plan to get out. She seemed to get a little caught up in what my credentials spoke too,and the possibilities. I had a difficult time getting her to understand, that while the skill set was marketable, I am at a point of questioning if this is what I want for my life at all? I can do it, I am grateful, but does it truly fulfill me deep in my soul? In some ways yes, but for the most part, no!

 

[hopeful]

s_terry Thank you for your kind words. The whole situation is sad. I am determined to heal completely. The therapist I have this time seems to be "the one," I have made so much progress with her. I hope you find another life coach/counselor person, having one on one support is so important and you deserve it.

nicola.kirwan You didn't ask me but I will answer your question. When I am heavier I still attract the same type of guy (clean cut/respectful, etc.) except I notice that I attract more older guys (10-15 years older) vs my age, and more big dudes than slim or average-sized guys. My husband and I were at a concert recently. It was one of those outdoor all day soul festivals so lots of people were walking around, people watching, etc. When I got up to go to the restroom I noticed older guys smiling at me, one big guy about my age (a cutie too lol) was like you are beautiful. When I got back to my seat I told my husband I gotta lose this weight, just big dudes are checking for me . So my point is fewer people are checking. I know I'm married but it's nice to be noticed, you know?

 

[VelvetRain]

I sincerely hope all reach whatever personal and weight loss goal they aspire to reach. I was never a big eater but more of an emotional eater. I would fight with my ex and get pissed off then turn to food to comfort. Hard to get pissed off at a pint at Ben and jerrys. I have made some pretty stupid decisions with past relationships and each time I turned to food.

It has taken me the last 4 months to resolve the root of some emotional issues which I should have addressed a long time ago. I don't really eat for taste now but more for results.