Should She Lunch With Her Bro-in-law?

J

justNikki

Well-Known Member
A friend of mine is married to a guy with a rather small and close family. When she is around their family, her husband’s brother talks more to her than he does his own wife. I figured it was because he really doesn’t have much in common with his wife who is 20+ years younger than he is. My friend is now saying he’s been hinting at meeting her for lunch sometimes. Now for me, that’s a red flag, but I’m a super cautious person about the appearance of things. My girlfriend says she feels a little awkward when he’s talking to her so much but not his wife. She mentioned it to her husband who thinks nothing of it.

My thoughts...unless you’re planning a surprise for your mate or seeking insight into something about your mate, why would you be hanging out with the in law of the opposite sex?

What’s your opinion? Is it inappropriate for in laws (brothers/sisters) to hang out with the husband/wife if they are of the opposite sex?
 
I’m sorry but I can’t even wrap my mind around this question. There is nothing abnormal or inappropriate about having lunch with your brother in law. My sister and dh have been going to lunch since she was a broke college student and he would travel to her city for business. I wish he would go by there and not feed/check on her...she’s his family. When we lived in the same city Dh would meet her out for drinks because neither of us wanted her out alone at shady bars. More than once dh and to get between her and crazy dudes who couldn’t take no thanks for an answer. Heck I wish I didn’t hate dh’s brother or I’d have the same kind of relationship with him. My mom has all sisters and all her brothers in law are welcome in her home without her sisters whenever they are in town. More than once they have stayed for a week or more because why get a hotel when you can stay for free? The idea that something inappropriate is the reason he wants to have lunch with her reeks of dysfunction.
 
Dh doesn't have lunch on his own with my sisters. and yes i would find it strange if it was a regular thing. I also don't feel moved to go to lunch with either of my brothers in law although I like them just fine at family gatherings.

eta : the one time that i was close like that with one of my sister's boyfriends he put the move on me when she wasn't around
 
My sister and husband hung out all the time when we were younger. Even now, when she is near his job, he treats her to lunch. Nothing inappropriate about it, imo. They see each other as big brother and little sister, and that's all.

I also don't see an issue with her brother in law talking to other people more than his wife at a family gathering. He lives with his wife, why would he sit there talking to her the whole time, when he's there to catch up with family? Why is she clocking how much he's talking to his wife versus her?

What is he saying to your friend? If he's saying something that makes her uncomfortable (subtle flirting, body comments, etc.), or he is just generally a creep, that's one thing. But If not, I think its strange for her to be uncomfortable simply because a member of her family enjoys her company.
 
It really depends on the dynamic. I'd wonder why my b-i-l wanted to go to lunch with me without my sis. The same vice versa. There would have to be a reason. If we were very close, or he needed to talk about something important regarding my sis, or we were both in a different town. But hanging out with him just for the heck of it would be strange to me, though not inappropriate.
 
All things being equal, it’s not that strange.

However, if she’s picking up some strange vibes, then she should trust her instincts and avoid it.

A friend of mine avoids individual time with a particular married in-law of hers. She said he was a habitual cheater and didn’t like the way he looked at her sometimes.
 
If she is uncomfortable with it, she should not. You mentioned that he talks more about your friend than his own wife during gatherings.....to me that’s a problem.

In-laws hanging out in and of itself is not a problem. My mother and her in-laws are very close. She hangs out with them all the time. They are all very good friends.
 
Theresamonet said:
My sister and husband hung out all the time when we were younger. Even now, when she is near his job, he treats her to lunch. Nothing inappropriate about it, imo. They see each other as big brother and little sister, and that's all.

I also don't see an issue with her brother in law talking to other people more than his wife at a family gathering. He lives with his wife, why would he sit there talking to her the whole time, when he's there to catch up with family? Why is she clocking how much he's talking to his wife versus her?

What is he saying to your friend? If he's saying something that makes her uncomfortable (subtle flirting, body comments, etc.), or he is just generally a creep, that's one thing. But If not, I think its strange for her to be uncomfortable simply because a member of her family enjoys her company.
Click to expand...

She's never said he said anything inappropriate. She's only said that he always wants to talk to her and she can see it maybe makes his wife feel awkward at times.
 
nysister said:
It really depends on the dynamic. I'd wonder why my b-i-l wanted to go to lunch with me without my sis. The same vice versa. There would have to be a reason. If we were very close, or he needed to talk about something important regarding my sis, or we were both in a different town. But hanging out with him just for the heck of it would be strange to me, though not inappropriate.
Click to expand...

My thoughts are more in line with how you see this, but I was very interested in how others see this. If you heard that your husband and your sister were lunching a lot, would it bother you? That's kind of how I looked at it and came up with reasons I would think would be reasonable. I mean, what are they talking about if not me? I believe in boundaries in all relationship. It may be dysfunctional to some, but like I said, I wouldn't be ok with it.
 
LeftRightRepeat said:
Dh doesn't have lunch on his own with my sisters. and yes i would find it strange if it was a regular thing. I also don't feel moved to go to lunch with either of my brothers in law although I like them just fine at family gatherings.

eta : the one time that i was close like that with one of my sister's boyfriends he put the move on me when she wasn't around
Click to expand...

Actually, for me, this would be my biggest fear...that I don't understand his intentions and I definitely wouldn't want him to think I'm open to something that I'm not. Boundaries.
 
If they lived in different cities and business brought them to the same city. If hubby is passing through Atlanta he is REQUIRED to check on my sister. If his meeting is near her work, they meet for lunch.
 
I guess it depends on the dynamics of each relationship. I would have no probelm meeting my sister's (now ex) for lunch but he's like a big brother to me and we always hung out. Now her current spouse, NO. We just don't have that type of relationship.
It would be nothing if my sister and dh went out for lunch because they have that kind of relationship.
 
Last edited:
Femmefatal1981 said:
Maybe I misread but I’m pretty sure the OP is them one that’s uncomfortable with the idea and not her friend or the friends husband.
Click to expand...


she says here in the bolded:
justNikki said:
A friend of mine is married to a guy with a rather small and close family. When she is around their family, her husband’s brother talks more to her than he does his own wife. I figured it was because he really doesn’t have much in common with his wife who is 20+ years younger than he is. My friend is now saying he’s been hinting at meeting her for lunch sometimes. Now for me, that’s a red flag, but I’m a super cautious person about the appearance of things. My girlfriend says she feels a little awkward when he’s talking to her so much but not his wife. She mentioned it to her husband who thinks nothing of it.

My thoughts...unless you’re planning a surprise for your mate or seeking insight into something about your mate, why would you be hanging out with the in law of the opposite sex?

What’s your opinion? Is it inappropriate for in laws (brothers/sisters) to hang out with the husband/wife if they are of the opposite sex?
Click to expand...
 
justNikki said:
My thoughts are more in line with how you see this, but I was very interested in how others see this. If you heard that your husband and your sister were lunching a lot, would it bother you? That's kind of how I looked at it and came up with reasons I would think would be reasonable. I mean, what are they talking about if not me? I believe in boundaries in all relationship. It may be dysfunctional to some, but like I said, I wouldn't be ok with it.
Click to expand...

Boundaries ain't never stopped someone from doing what they want.

If the person has ill-intent, boundaries don't matter. To me it is more about trust and who I trust and who I don't. I gave up being with people I don't trust a long time ago.
 
justNikki said:
My girlfriend says she feels a little awkward when he’s talking to her so much but not his wife.
Click to expand...
Normally not a problem like the other ladies stated, BUT this^^.
If she feels uncomfortable talking to him with the rest of the family there imagine if they were alone. I would tell her DO NOT go to lunch with him, we need to heed our own intuition.
 
It depends on their relationship and the family dynamics. I have a set of cousins that are sisters and first cousins. The sister and brother in law used to hang out all the time and no one thought it was an issue until the family started to realize that my cousin’s daughter looked just like her brother in law. The truth came out during a family reunion.
 
MilkChocolateOne said:
It depends on their relationship and the family dynamics. I have a set of cousins that are sisters and first cousins. The sister and brother in law used to hang out all the time and no one thought it was an issue until the family started to realize that my cousin’s daughter looked just like her brother in law. The truth came out during a family reunion.
Click to expand...
:look::eek:
 
MilkChocolateOne said:
It depends on their relationship and the family dynamics. I have a set of cousins that are sisters and first cousins. The sister and brother in law used to hang out all the time and no one thought it was an issue until the family started to realize that my cousin’s daughter looked just like her brother in law. The truth came out during a family reunion.
Click to expand...
I have two sets of cousins that are cousin siblings :look:
 
MilkChocolateOne said:
It depends on their relationship and the family dynamics. I have a set of cousins that are sisters and first cousins. The sister and brother in law used to hang out all the time and no one thought it was an issue until the family started to realize that my cousin’s daughter looked just like her brother in law. The truth came out during a family reunion.
Click to expand...

Girl this guy I know went to live with his brother and his wife and children because he fell on hard times. Let’s just say, I recently heard that the guy got the wife pregnant and just married her. :confused:
 
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