Should I Break My Weekend Dinner Date?

[kayte]

You call calling and emailing hot pursuit?
He did that to see if she was a quality person, someone he wanted to ask out on a date and spend quality time with (you call that being used). She got the date which was the point or maybe she would rather he keep blowing her up all week with no action or intent to take her out? He doesn't need to call and email 50-11 times if they are going to actually SEE each other and have a DATE in seven days. And like I said before if it was that important she could have called or emailed him to check in, but that was not necessary. How do you get date canceled out of that? Assuming is silly behavior. Sounds like he was excited and hopeful that she felt the same, by building anticipation. I would find him shady if he called me and sent emails after we were scheduled to go out together. She sounds like a control freak and dude is probably better off. This man had his mind made up and what she did was wack and he better not call her and ask her out again, she's rude and unladylike

He is better off..with some one else
there is a woman out there..who will do exactly as this post suggests
we all need someone who sees more than the surface and is willing to
put up with some stuff..or this level of juvenile testing...


confused about the tone of this post...but
agree to disagree....
and not wanting to take a benign thread to a personal level
or to animosity..whatever for? we're all sisters..yknow..

 

[Taliah]

Thank for weighing in..I really wanted to get other views as well...so it was helpful to read your post.
I should be hard to get!!!..No playing there

I feel like because he invited me ..it was on him to follow through and it was not the dynamic in our interactions anyway,that I initiate calling him...
but anyway..when he initially asked me and I tried to get more info
..asking him...so we'll touch base.he interrupted me and said I will call you during the week so I didn't leave it entirely open-ended

I agree with you can tell the person on the date your preferences
...but at this point in my life I choose who I decide to school and who I drop
he didn't make the cut..and all joking aside

basic consideration...
is a red flag...and dropping out of communication with a first date imminent until the day of ..to me indicates some issues consideration and controlling
and self esteem....not calling leaves the other person guessing..
it's mixed messages.... and I'm not interested in a man who needs that kind of validation.....and I guess I just learned it's a deal breaker for me
this hasn't happened in so long..I've been very blessed with awesome men

this a professor..who is older..who has obligations and what not..I can't imagine he does this in his professional life..... guessing this is "his woman"
issues

See....I think..in general a woman cancelling a date..across the board is not right or wrong .. ...I see it as no obligation whatsoever...
to who I choose to spend my intimate time with...and I can change my mind if I feel it's appropriate..without a backward glance

I was unaware that he mentioned he would follow up during the week and did not. Shame on him.
Now I understand why you posted. You wanted to cancel in case he called because you no longer wanted to go out with someone who didn't follow through on his word. No that's another story. I agree, I would not have gone out with him under these circumstances either.
Agreed, as a woman I change my mind with no regrets too.

"not calling leaves the other person guessing..
it's mixed messages.... and I'm not interested in a man who needs that kind of validation....."


I agree with what you said here as well. I have been here before.
I agree with lots that you are saying, however I have never meet/dated a man who knew what my needs and expectations were and I get what you said, this just wasn't someone you were interested in schooling.

Best to you with future dates. You are a lady who can hold your own.

 

[kayte]

Lying saying that "oh i made other plans" is not only BS but rude and it hurts his feelings.

Her other plans could be just to stay at home. That wouldn't be a lie

his hurt feelings could be his teacher! ..a different way of relating to a woman if he's smart or evolved...

I must cruel to be kind
thus we leave behind the bad
begin restore the mind

Which is what I did..part of the time!

"Other plans" ..simply means not available for his plans
nothing contrived or deceitful about that

 

[kayte]

I LOVED READING THIS
ALL OF US WOMEN DESERVE BETTER

Good for you kayte, and very intuitive of you too. See, there was something really wrong with his actions, too shallow in my opinion and yes very unbalanced. People like him play mind games with the SO's in their lives and that just ain't right especially when you get our ages. We have grown past all the games and on to serious business. Let the discerning Spirit of God continue to lead you girl. I am so proud of you for not becoming some man's doormat. God wants more for you honey, NEVER settle for less.[/

 

[kayte]

Is she supposed to sit around waiting for his call the day of?? No self respecting women should feel she has to do that...

well said
amen~

 

[kayte]

I really think that too many women just settle for anything like some doormat. I would have made other plans too because i would assume that HE cancelled without saying so especially after going MIA for a whole week

.

BEEN THERE DONE THAT
AND WHAT WAS UP WITH THAT?

See?
This is why I wanted other opinions ..because I am so done with settling...
with...anybody..

consideration is a basic
not to be negotiated to even put on the table
..geez loueeze

 

[kayte]

I was unaware that he mentioned he would follow up during the week and did not. Shame on him.
Now I understand why you posted. You wanted to cancel in case he called because you no longer wanted to go out with someone who didn't follow through on his word. No that's another story. I agree, I would not have gone out with him under these circumstances either.
Agreed, as a woman I change my mind with no regrets too.
"not calling leaves the other person guessing..
it's mixed messages.... and I'm not interested in a man who needs that kind of validation....."


I agree with what you said here as well. I have been here before.
I agree with lots that you are saying, however I have never meet/dated a man who knew what my needs and expectations were and I get what you said, this just wasn't someone you were interested in schooling.

Best to you with future dates. You are a lady who can hold your own.

That's where we can empower ourselves..not to obligate
ourselves to ..just anyone.... even..if ....we initially made that decison

sigh..we've all been there... that's why it's good to be reminded we don't
have to go there anymore...again

Blessing to all the dating ladies!
May God richly bless us

 

[kayte]

Good for you, Kayte...

His behavior sounds like game.

Next.

And next
and next
and next..... if need be

 

[CarLiTa]

Hm, i guess I see the point here, but I don't quite understand why not pick up the phone one of the times he called as opposed to not answering at all, etc.

I would have still said that I had other plans and explained why I made other plans, and watch his reaction, I think.
So, will you treat this man as someone who offended you deeply and never speak to him again?
I don't know, that seems a little harsh.

 

[kismettt]

i think you can tell someones intentions from way before that. if you felt from the original conversation he was playing you, then he probably is. asking for advice when you are already have made a decision doesnt really seem to have a point, huh? & at the point you posted, it seemed as if he was well past the chance of actually getting that date.

im not big on games but i would have just assumed we were no longer going out if we hadnt made concrete plans by the day before. im in college though, so things do come up & i could miss out on a great night with my friends if im waiting for a guy to confirm plans...

oh well, at least you did what you felt was right. there is no need to defend yourself to anyone.

 

[kayte]

Hm, i guess I see the point here, but I don't quite understand why not pick up the phone one of the times he called as opposed to not answering at all, etc.
I would have still said that I had other plans and explained why I made other plans, and watch his reaction, I think.
So, will you treat this man as someone who offended you deeply and never speak to him again?I don't know, that seems a little harsh.

I wanted to have a peaceful Sunday...and I did. I hung out with friends..went shopping...came home ...put/looped Joni Mitchell's..Help me I think I'm fallng in love
and prayed and meditated and communicated with other men in my life who are interested ...and the day/evening was a sweet one I wasn't being deliberately harsh or anything and while it distressed me that someone was acting out some unhappiness, I simply did not want to deal with his choices....then.
I did not feel responsible for taking care of him..I wanted/needed to take care of me
(I did email him much later in the evening and was honest and wished well him going forward) The fact that he called so many times within a short span of time also did nothing to contribute to having communications with him... it not only alienated me
(and freaked me out)..but it revealed some important information about this guy

I'm not so inflexible or egotistical..at all.I am a good loving loyal friend
I want to take a risk on someone and we all mess up
But as guys reveal their "stuff"early on..women need to pay attention to what they are getting into..I often would not ..Today I am somebody who says NO..anyway much much more than I say YES..

We hadn't even had a first date,yet..I'm just checkin out all his stuff coming up
So..for me this kind of behavior is unnacceptable
There has to be a lot more on the table,today, quite honestly for me to hang out
..go out on a date with a guy ..I guess it could be harsh...I dunno..I know I sure regret not being harsh..more often..clda saved me some major heartbreak

but bottom line is
I guess we all have different bottom lines.
...Somewhere there is a woman out there who wants to give to him regardless
I'ts just not going to be me.

 

[kayte]

i think you can tell someones intentions from way before that. if you felt from the original conversation he was playing you, then he probably is. asking for advice when you are already have made a decision doesnt really seem to have a point, huh? & at the point you posted, it seemed as if he was well past the chance of actually getting that date.[/QUOTE]

I was suspicious but I also know I can be a hard..@##$
I truly wanted to give this man the benefit of the doubt
and,btw I was really looking forward to being with him..introducing him
to my poet friends..he's an adjunt in lit...mutual attraction..etc etc
having dinner together...I was pysched..and then disappointed

Same reason I started the thread ..these kind of things have not happened in
a while ..I really wanted to go! but was conflicted and annoyed
and I had not made the decision ..just thinking about it
and needed a reality check from other women...to see that I was not over reacting or being overly sensitive or reading too much into somthing all of which I am notorious for...
Confirmation of my decision was empowering and needed,and I'm very grateful for all the women who spoke their wisdom..and support ..even those who disagreed.
I was looking to check out my own stuff before deciding..
After all that what the forums are for!

im not big on games but i would have just assumed we were no longer going out if we hadnt made concrete plans by the day before. im in college though, so things do come up & i could miss out on a great night with my friends if im waiting for a guy to confirm plans...

You are one smart lady.....

 

[Belle Du Jour]

I wanted to have a peaceful Sunday...and I did. I hung out with friends..went shopping...came home ...put/looped Joni Mitchell's..Help me I think I'm fallng in love
and prayed and meditated and communicated with other men in my life who are interested ...and the day/evening was a sweet one I wasn't being deliberately harsh or anything and while it distressed me that someone was acting out some unhappiness, I simply did not want to deal with his choices....then.
I did not feel responsible for taking care of him..I wanted/needed to take care of me
(I did email him much later in the evening and was honest and wished well him going forward) The fact that he called so many times within a short span of time also did nothing to contribute to having communications with him... it not only alienated me
(and freaked me out)..but it revealed some important information about this guy

I'm not so inflexible or egotistical..at all.I am a good loving loyal friend
I want to take a risk on someone and we all mess up
But as guys reveal their "stuff"early on..women need to pay attention to what they are getting into..I often would not ..Today I am somebody who says NO..anyway much much more than I say YES..

We hadn't even had a first date,yet..I'm just checkin out all his stuff coming up
So..for me this kind of behavior is unnacceptable
There has to be a lot more on the table,today, quite honestly for me to hang out
..go out on a date with a guy ..I guess it could be harsh...I dunno..I know I sure regret not being harsh..more often..clda saved me some major heartbreak

but bottom line is
I guess we all have different bottom lines.
...Somewhere there is a woman out there who wants to give to him regardless
I'ts just not going to be me.

It's so wonderful when we learn to stop putting men fist who have made NO COMMITMENTS to us! It might sound harsh, but a guy is not even worth my thoughts until he has proven himself worthy Sounds like you had a great relaxing day, which is no less than what you deserve.

Love the last quote I bolded.

 

[wonderstar]

I'm young and inexperienced....but why, just why would any woman that values herself sell herself short for a first date and a guy who she's not even 'digging' to booth!

Come correct or don't come at all

 

[kayte]

a guy who she's not even 'digging'

I did dig him,though..he would NEVER have gotten my phone number if not..
he was more into me ..that's all ..then I was to him
and certainly not diggin him enough to put up with that obessive/withholding weirdness

we learn to stop putting men fist who have made NO COMMITMENTS to us!

Amen.... That took so long for me to "get it:..

Come correct or don't come at all

Totally.....

It's so funny though..some one called me this morning..asked me out for next Saturday
Nov1rst and he didn't say ..for what? dinner lunch..just can I ask you out for next week
I thought okay ..this time I take more charge ..lol
I said so where we goin? He changed the subject!!!....only this man I've gone out with before and his treatment of me is stellar
so it's probly because he has something cool or a few cool things in mind as a surprise
..but then as he had to rush off the phone .. I had to say
Whoa cowboy..what ..time????

oh men

 

[PapillionRouge]

So did he write u back?

 

[kayte]

no............

 

[Belle Du Jour]

no............

Next! He sounds like he wasn't serious anyway.

 

[PapillionRouge]

Next! He sounds like he wasn't serious anyway.

Exactlly!

Just proves ur point even more that u did the righthing!

 

[kayte]

I did ...half expect a "discussion"....and was dreading it..actually
though I refused to call him...and my email was clearly dismissive..

I don't feel it was.... that he wasn't interested....
I think he was..we both were..it wasn't one-sided
his level of interest was just more intense than mine...
but listen....they are all like that in beginning..I'm rarely that wild over anyone
at the first.....
it takes time and proof....even the most gorgeous guys..(shrug)
sometimes.....but rarely

I think it was more
he knew he did some odd...I guess...compulsive stuff that he'd never done
and revealed a side of himself...that was kind of startling..he must have done weirdness
like this to others....I made a point of mentioning this behavior tactfully in the email
and as friendly rapport, interest,admiration and respect...on my end... was GONE...
instead dislike...fear

guessing he'd had enough time and intelligence..and some residual feelings around my refusing to even talk to him enough to register this and not to argue it
that what was my sense of it ..

I was relieved...

 

[kayte]

So
just in case you were not entirely sick of this thread..an update
an email sent today... btw.... jury is out on this

Hi K,
Thanks for your email. I was a bit baffled by it for a few reasons, so it took me a while to get back to you. Sorry. First of all, I'm sorry that I didn't call to confirm earlier
in the week, which now that you mentioned it, I guess we did plan. But I'm not sure why you didn't call me or at least write me before you decided the meeting was canceled and made other plans. So, when I called a number of times, I was truly puzzled that you weren't available to tell me if we we were still on. I was looking forward to meeting you, especially after all the interesting interchanges that we had.

I was also a bit surprised by the end of your email. It seemed a valediction (it brought to mind Donne's famous if quite different one). You seem to indicate that we are not going to meet, which is fine if that's what you want. I'm just not sure why. But it doesn't matter why, of course, if that's your wish, for of course I would never want to push anything on you that you wouldn't want.

But if you change your mind, feel free to contact me. I do hope that your novel and other endeavors go well.

If you wish to know more about me, to perhaps see that I'm not pretending to be someone who I'm not, my last name is XXXXXi. If you google "XXXXX YYYYi" and search a bit you will see some of the things that I have done academically in the past, conferences perhaps and perhaps an article I published quite a while back on UUUU's "PPPPPPP."

I'm very aware of the understandable anxieties of a woman, especially on the internet,
and it seems that I have pushed some anxiety buttons. I'm so sorry for this, for it is a total misunderstanding.
I'm quite pro-feminist, and the last thing i would want is to bother you in any way. I thought you would have seen this from our interesting conversations.

Anyway, I do hope you're well and that all will go well

 

[kayte]

Well..now I feel dumb? erplexed possibly misjudged him...
some of the earlier comments are back to haunt me..lol
including my own :

confused

 

[Vinyl]

Wow I must admit, just from reading that e-mail I'd give him another chance. I'm a sucker for guys who even bother to use good grammar/proper english online. Does he really talk like that?

 

[kayte]

I'm a sucker for guys who even bother to use good grammar/proper english online. Does he really talk like that?

 

[KEWLKAT103]

Give him a chance kayte!
Not all men are gamers and I feel he is genuine (from what you have posted).
I actually don't think he was wrong the first time out, but just had bad communication. The judgements seemed to be a bit harsh IMO.

I can tell you really have a good feeling for him and what's one date!
You guys go to that Korean place, enjoy each others company or not, but at least then you will know.

 

[Aggie]

Well at least he sees that you mean business and is not to be toyed with. I think he is remorseful NOW but I honestly don't think that this is representative of his original intention. He was playing a game and thought that you'd bite and when you didn't he sobered up and got serious and probably realized that you just MIGHT be different from all his other past pursuits.

He may have been testing your character, what's inside you just to see what you are made of. I am glad you held your ground and I would try to reach him now that he appears at the very least remorseful, because that in itself means a lot to me. I would however, make it very clear to him how I feel about future similar actions. Set the foundation straight from the start. The ball is now in your court honey. I support whatever decision you make now. I've got your back.

 

[**Tasha*Love**]

Don't feel bad. After reading his email I am sure that you know more of how he feels than before? At least he opened up to let you know how he felt about the situation. You may have misjudged him but I only think it was because you were being cautious. There is nothing wrong with proceeding with caution in new friendships/relationships. Like Aggie stated the ball is your court - the choice is yours. I also believe that he knows where you stand as far as setting up a date and he will be on top of his game next time plans are made!!!!

Good Luck

*** and let us know how it goes!!!***

Well..now I feel dumb? erplexed possibly misjudged him...
some of the earlier comments are back to haunt me..lol
including my own :

confused

 

[wonderstar]

Lesson learnt! I'm glad you had some backbones.

So what are you going to do?

 

[alwayzalady22]

Well at least he sees that you mean business and is not to be toyed with. I think he is remorseful NOW but I honestly don't think that this is representative of his original intention. He was playing a game and thought that you'd bite and when you didn't he sobered up and got serious and probably realized that you just MIGHT be different from all his other past pursuits.

He may have been testing your character, what's inside you just to see what you are made of. I am glad you held your ground and I would try to reach him now that he appears at the very least remorseful, because that in itself means a lot to me. I would however, make it very clear to him how I feel about future similar actions. Set the foundation straight from the start. The ball is now in your court honey. I support whatever decision you make now. I've got your back.

couldn't have been stated better

i think you have a much better idea of what's really good with this man, so i'm sure you'll make the best decision for you at this point

 

[kayte]

Does he really talk like that?

I'd secretly look up some of the words if I could remember 'em
..but yeah....

You guys go to that Korean place, enjoy each others company or not, but at least then you will know.

I think that's what I have to decide ..ought I just meet him..have dinner ...I don't have to go out again ..heck he may not even ask me out again
but you're right..at least I will have seen in person and that dynamic is always different from email or phone

At least he opened up to let you know how he felt about the situation.

He did ... ..I feel sweetness though I agree with Aggie

i think you have a much better idea of what's really good with this man, so i'm sure you'll make the best decision for you at this point

yeah...an honest but brief discussion...

Lesson learnt! I'm glad you had some backbones.
So what are you going to do?

musing on it but maybe an email inviting him to call and dialogue?

I think he is remorseful NOW but I honestly don't think that this is representative of his original intention. He was playing a game and thought that you'd bite a

STILL think this is the REAL deal

Edited out the overanalyis
THE GOOD BAD AND THE UGLY..lol
& If you didn't read it ..well I spared you