Should I Break My Weekend Dinner Date?

[kayte]

I want to .. probably will.... but I thought to hear some other opinions
I'm playing the field...so dating a few people...a couple more intensely than the others ..the rest ..casually..some from off.. some from online

This one guy(online) and I have been chatting..a lot in common..he's an
adjunct..teaches freshman college lit.. and loves..Jamaica Kinkaid..other writers I admire.. is a poet and working on an independent film...
attractive guy ...very complimentary of me ...etc etc
He's been persistent all long...calling emailing every other day or two always asking about a date.. I'm more detached than he is ...it takes me a while to even give him my phone...
I finally agree to a date...and it's for dinner this Sunday
he asked me last Saturday afternoon.....

When he asked he said... he just said how about six or seven I said seven's fine... .he said something like great and then changed the subject which irked me right away because I knew he was excited but trying to act cool and because ordinarily the guy says (duh!) where do you want to go...or what do you like ..but I reason he wants to surprise me or something..so I just once ask...so we'll touch base??
which irks me again because the guy goes out of his way to let me know how and when where he's going to connect...but this guy interrupts and says yes yes during the week of course I'll call

Well it's Friday night and he has NOT called and my sense is that he's going to touch base tomorrow....

I truly don't think he's going to stand me up but I get the sense I am in some silly power game where I'm supposedly being kept guessing

My sense is he will at the last minute and confirm abt Sunday...
Now if he'd been someone I knew for a long time ..that is actually
ok...but for a new date? ....what is the message here?
I'm already ..guessing and men who value me go out of their way
to let me know where they are at with me ..and not ever let me
doubt ..for today I am blessed with men who are generous
in every way..
and guys like this get the boot ..fast
I've already decided to say

hey! ..looks like we got our signals crossed! when I didn't hear
from you during the week... I went ahead made other plans. sorry!


Anyways curious of other opinions..I could be wrong!
opposing views or confirmations appreciated

 

[ThickHair]

I have found out since I am back in the game after a long hiatus is that if we made plans and they were not cancelled they are still on, even if you haven't spoke to him. Same thing happened to me, made date, no communcations for 6 days, I was stressed and my sister ask did he call and cancel. I said no and she said that we still had a date. Sure nuff an hour before we were scheduled to meet, he called and said he was hungry and couldn't wait til we met at Grille 36.

Folks got stuff to do.

 

[Je Ne Sais Quoi]

Wow, this one is tough!

This guy seems to have been jumping through hoops to finally get a date and maybe he simply thought that calling the morning of to shape things up would be ok since you already confirmed that you were available and agreed to go out.

I'm thinking that maybe you should follow through with your plan of telling him that since you hadn't heard from him you made other plans. This will get him up to speed about your expectations right away, and if he's smart he will make official plans for the following weekend.

If he calls before Sunday I would go out. If he calls on Sunday I would tell him you already have plans.

 

[CarLiTa]

Yeah this is tough.
I feel like i'd give it until tomorrow mid-day/early afternoon.
By late afternoon, I think i'd say that I had other plans. I don't like to feel rushed about things like that. and if you two continue to date, you definitely do not want this to become a pattern.

ETA
but... judge by how he speaks when he does call and see.
Now, if he doesn't call, then he shouldn't get a chance to redeem himself at all.

 

[kayte]

update..
Well he finally called for our dinner date for tonight...Sunday..just now
I was home but did not pick up the phone..I let the machine get it

He called...at 12:55 pm..Sunday....only a few hours from the time
we were sposed to get together...

from over a week of not from hearing from him
n-o-t-h-i-n-g ..
I'm laughin typing this


Three questions three guesses..

am I going on this lame-$#@ date?
am I returning his call?
who?

y'know...the sad thing is I know he was all excited and it would have been fun
there was a connection....lot in common..attractive..a couple of my friends are reading their fiction tonight
it would have been great to take him and there's awesome Korean restaurant I just found about last night while out w/friends who showed this place. (by the way the male in the group said dont settle for that nonsense ) ...you take your shoes off ..looked really cool when my friends and I stuck our heads in...

ah well.....for the next guy...


but.....I mean..like ...
really.......
it's too bad...
no second chance granted either

 

[Aggie]

Wow, this one is tough!

This guy seems to have been jumping through hoops to finally get a date and maybe he simply thought that calling the morning of to shape things up would be ok since you already confirmed that you were available and agreed to go out.

I'm thinking that maybe you should follow through with your plan of telling him that since you hadn't heard from him you made other plans. This will get him up to speed about your expectations right away, and if he's smart he will make official plans for the following weekend.

If he calls before Sunday I would go out. If he calls on Sunday I would tell him you already have plans.

Sorry kayte, but I agree with fab here. It's not acceptable dealing with this type of behaviour unless of course he was laid up in the hospital somewhere and unable to give you call in the interim. The way I see it, he will continue this trend of actions if you don't "nip it in the bud" so to speak right now.

By telling him that you made plans because you hadn't heard from him simply tells him that he cannot and should not take you or your time and interest in him for granted in the future. It tells him that you are not pining and waiting around the phone and willing it to ring hoping that he'd be on the other end of the line.

Stand strong my sister.

 

[JFemme]

Good for you, Kayte...

His behavior sounds like game.

Next.

 

[onyxdreams]

I'm Glad your not going on the date.Even if he did jump through hoops to ask you out,its just plain old rude to call a few hours of date after a whole week has passed.So was he expecting you to just sit by the phone and not have made any plans,come on. Your time is valuable and when he understands that then perhaps go on that date.If my friends called me a few hours before an even I wouldn't go.JMO

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

Yea keep it moving chica.

 

[Taliah]

I sorry, but I do not see what the big deal was? This man made plans with her a week in advance and she accepted then she decides to cancel the day of. BOOOOO.
Sounds like she is the one playing hard to get. Please.
If she wanted to touch base with him during the week she could have called him.
Sounds like she was expecting to get stood up? People who are in dating mode stand people up and get stood up. It is not polite but a small risk in the dating game and sometimes avoidable with a little communicating.
She did the right thing by waiting for his call the day of. If she wanted to go then go, but she did the same thing to him that she was afraid of him doing to her. Game.
If you have a specific way in which you would like to be treated then telling him during the date would have been a perfect opportunity, but canceling on him was wrong, especially since he made plans with her in advance.

 

[coconow2007]

I think no matter how old we are none of us have time for games. Waiting til the last minute to firm up plans is ok if u know this guy for some time because u both r just going with the flow. However, this is the first date I would think he could be more considerate. Also, I think it would have been a good move if you expressed your need for details regarding the date. Something like let's firm up before 'xyz' day. Also, and maybe I am just too forward but I would not manufacture that I have other plans but just tell him plainly about my disappointment that he did not firm up plans until the last minute and that's the reason u do not want to go through with the date. That way he knows exactly what the deal is and maybe will give him clue when he deals with u or other women in the future.

 

[Aggie]

I'm sorry, but I do not see what the big deal was? This man made plans with her a week in advance and she accepted then she decides to cancel the day of. BOOOOO.
Sounds like she is the one playing hard to get. Please.
If she wanted to touch base with him during the week she could have called him.
Sounds like she was expecting to get stood up? People who are in dating mode stand people up and get stood up. It is not polite but a small risk in the dating game and sometimes avoidable with a little communicating.
She did the right thing by waiting for his call the day of. If she wanted to go then go, but she did the same thing to him that she was afraid of him doing to her. Game.
If you have a specific way in which you would like to be treated then telling him during the date would have been a perfect opportunity, but canceling on him was wrong, especially since he made plans with her in advance.

I say this in love but truly I think you totally missed the point here. If you read the OP's post correctly, you'd see that HE was in hot pursuit of her and not the other way around. He was the one calling and emailing her either every day or every other day and suddenly now that he feels like he has "conquered" her by getting the date, he is no longer calling or emailing. Please, I would make other plans and not be used this way. I really think that too many women just settle for anything like some doormat. I would have made other plans too because i would assume that HE cancelled without saying so especially after going MIA for a whole week.

This only tells me one thing, he doesn't truly care about how she would feel about his uncaring attitude. Yes when he called I would alos tell him then and there how I felt about his actions right on the phone, but my 'other' plans would not have changed. Now if he chooses to take a rain check and plan another time we could meet up then that would be an option. I wouldn't totally shut him out but I would let him know I mean business. It has nothing to do with playing games but business, plain and simple.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

What's confusing is the lack of contact for the entire week. Yeah, it's nice that he made plans in advance, but then to cease contact. He should have called at least once during the week and confirmed the plans at that time. If I really thought the connection was there and he just didn't know any better (a lot of men don't, poor things) I might have said something like "oh! I didn't know we were still on since I didn't hear from you. . .I have other plans!" all the while being sweet as pie. Men respond to actions, not words/cussing out. If he's truly interested, he will try again and get it right.

 

[CandiceC]

update..
Well he finally called for our dinner date for tonight...Sunday..just now
I was home but did not pick up the phone..I let the machine get it

He called...at 12:55 pm..Sunday....only a few hours from the time
we were sposed to get together...

from over a week of not from hearing from him
n-o-t-h-i-n-g ..
I'm laughin typing this


Three questions three guesses..

am I going on this lame-$#@ date?
am I returning his call?
who?

y'know...the sad thing is I know he was all excited and it would have been fun
there was a connection....lot in common..attractive..a couple of my friends are reading their fiction tonight
it would have been great to take him and there's awesome Korean restaurant I just found about last night while out w/friends who showed this place. (by the way the male in the group said dont settle for that nonsense ) ...you take your shoes off ..looked really cool when my friends and I stuck our heads in...

ah well.....for the next guy...


but.....I mean..like ...
really.......
it's too bad...
no second chance granted either

I agree with you breaking it off. You may want to call and explain though.


Why wouldn't he call you throughout the week to chat and get to know you better? I'm puzzled.

 

[CandiceC]

What's confusing is the lack of contact for the entire week. Yeah, it's nice that he made plans in advance, but then to cease contact. He should have called at least once during the week and confirmed the plans at that time. If I really thought the connection was there and he just didn't know any better (a lot of men don't, poor things) I might have said something like "oh! I didn't know we were still on since I didn't hear from you. . .I have other plans!" all the while being sweet as pie. Men respond to actions, not words/cussing out. If he's truly interested, he will try again and get it right.

That's a great way to put it.

 

[Taliah]

You call calling and emailing hot pursuit?
He did that to see if she was a quality person, someone he wanted to ask out on a date and spend quality time with (you call that being used). She got the date which was the point or maybe she would rather he keep blowing her up all week with no action or intent to take her out? He doesn't need to call and email 50-11 times if they are going to actually SEE each other and have a DATE in seven days. And like I said before if it was that important she could have called or emailed him to check in, but that was not necessary. How do you get date canceled out of that? Assuming is silly behavior. Sounds like he was excited and hopeful that she felt the same, by building anticipation. I would find him shady if he called me and sent emails after we were scheduled to go out together. She sounds like a control freak and dude is probably better off. This man had his mind made up and what she did was wack and he better not call her and ask her out again, she's rude and unladylike.

 

[Aggie]

What's confusing is the lack of contact for the entire week. Yeah, it's nice that he made plans in advance, but then to cease contact. He should have called at least once during the week and confirmed the plans at that time. If I really thought the connection was there and he just didn't know any better (a lot of men don't, poor things) I might have said something like "oh! I didn't know we were still on since I didn't hear from you. . .I have other plans!" all the while being sweet as pie. Men respond to actions, not words/cussing out. If he's truly interested, he will try again and get it right.

I totally agree, especially the bolded. very objective and exactly what I would have done.

 

[Aggie]

I agree with you breaking it off. You may want to call and explain though.


Why wouldn't he call you throughout the week to chat and get to know you better? I'm puzzled.

My thoughts exactly! At least by getting to know her better, he would know what she likes to eat and which restaurant she'd like.

 

[Taliah]

Lying saying that "oh i made other plans" is not only BS but rude and it hurts his feelings.

Besides even if he did get back and ask her out again he would still not cal for the week because he has no I idea that his lack of contact was offensive.

What she should have done was went out with him and brought up her petty concerns. That way she would have had his attention and gotten her point across without bruising his ego and pride in the process.

 

[Aggie]

Okay it's time to exit this thread, starting to get a little outta hand now.

 

[CandiceC]

Lying saying that "oh i made other plans" is not only BS but rude and it hurts his feelings.

Besides even if he did get back and ask her out again he would still not cal for the week because he has no I idea that his lack of contact was offensive.

What she should have done was went out with him and brought up her petty concerns. That way she would have had his attention and gotten her point across without bruising his ego and pride in the process.

Her other plans could be just to stay at home. That wouldn't be a lie.

 

[Taliah]

Her other plans could be just to stay at home. That wouldn't be a lie.

Maybe, but we all know that's not what she really wanted.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Okay it's time to exit this thread, starting to get a little outta hand now.

It really is! Wondering what all the fuss is about

 

[kayte]

Last update..
& thank lovely ladies for all your ops..really helpful.

My answering machine says
Hi you've reached K's answering machine....leave me a message..cas you never know! I might just be waitin around..ready to pick up..so you better say somethin....ha-ha

He called again.....
a total of five times on my machine and the phone rang without a message...and I star 69ed....it was him
SIX TIMES..that I know of..

I need to really validate going with my instinct..there's a reason why it took me a long time to relinquish my phone number...
but he said in one of the 5 messages....Hey K, I was hoping you be waiting around ...to pick up my call..ha-ha-ha

Now I know that was meant to be a joke..but I kinda think..that was crux of
the whole issue ...really

NO I will not go out with this man ...ever
there's some serious inbalance..
Over a week..no word and then on the day of.. only a few hours away
and he repeatedly calls over and over???

If he only used ..just one of those....calls
like on Wednesday

I'm joking but I feel bad for him....but not enough to hang out with him
nuh-uh...no way..

 

[Aggie]

Last update..
& thank lovely ladies for all your ops..really helpful.

My answering machine says
Hi you've reached K's answering machine....leave me a message..cas you never know! I might just be waitin around..ready to pick up..so you better say somethin....ha-ha

He called again.....
a total of five times on my machine and the phone rang without a message...and I star 69ed....it was him
SIX TIMES..that I know of..

I need to really validate going with my instinct..there's a reason why it took me a long time to relinquish my phone number...
but he said in one of the 5 messages....Hey K, I was hoping you be waiting around ...to pick up my call..ha-ha-ha

Now I know that was meant to be a joke..but I kinda think..that was crux of
the whole issue ...really

NO I will not go out with this man ...ever
there's some serious inbalance..
Over a week..no word and then on the day of.. only a few hours away
and he repeatedly calls over and over???

If he only used ..just one of those....calls
like on Wednesday

I'm joking but I feel bad for him....but not enough to hang out with him
nuh-uh...no way..

Good for you kayte, and very intuitive of you too. See, there was something really wrong with his actions, too shallow in my opinion and yes very unbalanced. People like him play mind games with the SO's in their lives and that just ain't right especially when you get our ages. We have grown past all the games and on to serious business. Let the discerning Spirit of God continue to lead you girl. I am so proud of you for not becoming some man's doormat. God wants more for you honey, NEVER settle for less.

 

[kayte]

Thank for weighing in..I really wanted to get other views as well...so it was helpful to read your post.
I should be hard to get!!!..No playing there

I feel like because he invited me ..it was on him to follow through and it was not the dynamic in our interactions anyway,that I initiate calling him...
but anyway..when he initially asked me and I tried to get more info
..asking him...so we'll touch base.he interrupted me and said I will call you during the week so I didn't leave it entirely open-ended

I agree with you can tell the person on the date your preferences
...but at this point in my life I choose who I decide to school and who I drop
he didn't make the cut..and all joking aside

basic consideration...
is a red flag...and dropping out of communication with a first date imminent until the day of ..to me indicates some issues consideration and controlling
and self esteem....not calling leaves the other person guessing..
it's mixed messages.... and I'm not interested in a man who needs that kind of validation.....and I guess I just learned it's a deal breaker for me
this hasn't happened in so long..I've been very blessed with awesome men

this a professor..who is older..who has obligations and what not..I can't imagine he does this in his professional life..... guessing this is "his woman"
issues

See....I think..in general a woman cancelling a date..across the board is not right or wrong .. ...I see it as no obligation whatsoever...
to who I choose to spend my intimate time with...and I can change my mind if I feel it's appropriate..without a backward glance

I sorry, but I do not see what the big deal was? This man made plans with her a week in advance and she accepted then she decides to cancel the day of. BOOOOO. Sounds like she is the one playing hard to get. Please.
If she wanted to touch base with him during the week she could have called him.
Sounds like she was expecting to get stood up? People who are in dating mode stand people up and get stood up. It is not polite but a small risk in the dating game and sometimes avoidable with a little communicating.She did the right thing by waiting for his call the day of. If she wanted to go then go, but she did the same thing to him that she was afraid of him doing to her. Game.
If you have a specific way in which you would like to be treated then telling him during the date would have been a perfect opportunity, but canceling on him was wrong, especially since he made plans with her in advance.

 

[kayte]

I think no matter how old we are none of us have time for games. Waiting til the last minute to firm up plans is ok if u know this guy for some time because u both r just going with the flow. However, this is the first date I would think he could be more considerate. Also, I think it would have been a good move if you expressed your need for details regarding the date. Something like let's firm up before 'xyz' day. Also, and maybe I am just too forward but I would not manufacture that I have other plans but just tell him plainly about my disappointment that he did not firm up plans until the last minute and that's the reason u do not want to go through with the date. That way he knows exactly what the deal is and maybe will give him clue when he deals with u or other women in the future.

I did try to get more details but I sensed it was important tohim that
he wanted to reveal that later... by the shift of the conversation
..tried to give him the benefit of the doubt...rather than taking over planning it (shrug)

I am going to be honest.....this is a good idea

 

[kayte]

What's confusing is the lack of contact for the entire week. Yeah, it's nice that he made plans in advance, but then to cease contact. He should have called at least once during the week and confirmed the plans at that time.

That was the plan....
confusion..yes!
it feels i dunno manipulative
I think that was idea for me to feel ..off center..because I was/am
not as invested as him

 

[kayte]

I agree with you breaking it off. You may want to call and explain though.

Yes..definitely I will communicate

Why wouldn't he call you throughout the week to chat and get to know you better? I'm puzzled.

this is another indicator that this is not for me..because ordinarily
he would have ..asking me out ...somehow changed this

 

[Je Ne Sais Quoi]

I sorry, but I do not see what the big deal was? This man made plans with her a week in advance and she accepted then she decides to cancel the day of. BOOOOO.
Sounds like she is the one playing hard to get. Please.
If she wanted to touch base with him during the week she could have called him.
Sounds like she was expecting to get stood up? People who are in dating mode stand people up and get stood up. It is not polite but a small risk in the dating game and sometimes avoidable with a little communicating.
She did the right thing by waiting for his call the day of. If she wanted to go then go, but she did the same thing to him that she was afraid of him doing to her. Game.
If you have a specific way in which you would like to be treated then telling him during the date would have been a perfect opportunity, but canceling on him was wrong, especially since he made plans with her in advance.

He said he was going to call her during the course of the week to finalize things and he didn't. I'm not sure what else she was supposed to do when he told her that he would call her before the date. Is she supposed to sit around waiting for his call the day of?? No self respecting women should feel she has to do that...