She's telling me to go for it but...

[Kinkyhairlady]

he already has a girl.

Heres the story....
Recently I went to a wedding and noticed a very handsome young man but he left the reception early so I never got to speak to him. Well I inquired about him through his cousin and she tells me he is single. Okay I am happy to hear that but then she has him contact me via email and we start talking, he tells me he is involve with a girl in another country. He travels back there once a year but he can't really define what they have as a commited relationship but it is not like he is over here hoeing around, he is the same person with or without her.

Now I tell his cousin about this and she goes yeah I know about the chick but they just started talking and if you come into the picture he can forget all about her. Ladies, I am not one to try to take no ones man, and i am afraid of Karma but I am feeling him. He has let me know upfront his situation and has let me know that no one can come between him and the other girl so I am not going to try to do such thing.

I guess my problem is, why be with someone another country if you have an option here next to you? I myself used to talk to someone in another country but if I met someone I was feeling here, I would leave because that person would do the same if they had a chance. He is not leading me on, we have only been communicating online so he is not giving me the impression that this will go far but anything can happen. What would you guys do, continue to talk to him as a friend and see if this goes anywhere or just not communicate at all with him and let him be in his long distance relationship. I swear all the guys I am attracted to are always taken or gay, this one I can't even define he is taken but he is involved so he says, I wonder if I am cursed at times, geez.

 

[noemi]

Leave it alone. Believe a man when he tells you things about him. This man told you upfront that nothing can come between him and the girl in the other country. That was honest and was better than him stringing you along.

I was just let it go. If you want to be friends fine, but don't try and push things towards a relationship since he has someone. How would you feel if you were the other girl?

If it was me, I'd just leave him alone. He didn't pursue you for your number or anything, so he wasn't checking for you in the beginning because he probably wasn't paying any mind to you.

 

[CHECKMATE!]

Don't waste your time! He will be emotionally (and every other -ally) unavailable!

 

[heyfranz]

If he told you about her, but says he can't define their relationship, then he is letting you know that he is emotionally unavailable. If you're just looking for a good time, he might be okay, but not for a relationship

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

Leave it alone. Believe a man when he tells you things about him. This man told you upfront that nothing can come between him and the girl in the other country. That was honest and was better than him stringing you along.

I was just let it go. If you want to be friends fine, but don't try and push things towards a relationship since he has someone. How would you feel is you were the other girl?

If it was me, I'd just leave him alone. He didn't pursue you for your number or anything, so he wasn't checking for you in the beginning because he probably wasn't paying any mind to you.

I agree he was honest and I appreciate that. I am not pushing it, he emails me daily and I communicate back and forth with him but I am not going to try to do anything shady. He actually did not see me at the reception, I spotted him but he did tell me even if he saw me he would not be able to talk to me because he had a date with him. The date was his cousin in law and he stated it would of been direspectful to approach anyone while with her.
He makes comments that are contradictory so I don't get him. Like he is involved with someone but can't call her his girlfriend, what? Seems like he is trying to say the relationship is open but since he is not looking to do anything nor is she they don't cross the line but if they wanted to they could. I have to mention he was in a very long term relationship a year ago and was engaged but right after breaking up with that person he started this long distance relationship, I get the impression that the LD was his comfort at the time of his breakup.
According to his cousin he was very hurt over that breakup and became distant.

 

[Tee]

Don't do it Misss Celie!!

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

I met my husband while we were in other countries, so depending on the bond between him and that girl, it could be very serious, despite what he's telling you. The "doubtful" mentality of LDRs and the couple's fidelity and commitment (he can always choose someone closer) is what creates the stigma.

I would leave him be, even if he emails you everyday, because there wasn't any initial connection based on conversational compatibility; it was based off "my cousin likes you.... see what you can do." That right there is inappropriate, on his part, unless him and the girl have an understanding that "meeting new people of the opposite sex" is okay.

 

[Mai Tai]

Girl...you already know the answer to your question so step out of 'La La" land and get real.

This man told you he is attached to someone else so why would you want to compete for 2nd place at best.

Just because his girlfriend is in another county does not mean that their connection is any weaker the one locally. And just because you would be willing to sacrifice an international boyfriend for some local loving, does not mean he has the same mindset.

So move on and find someone completely unattached. Stop wasting your time on the "what if"...

 

[noemi]

I agree he was honest and I appreciate that. I am not pushing it, he emails me daily and I communicate back and forth with him but I am not going to try to do anything shady. He actually did not see me at the reception, I spotted him but he did tell me even if he saw me he would not be able to talk to me because he had a date with him. The date was his cousin in law and he stated it would of been direspectful to approach anyone while with her.
He makes comments that are contradictory so I don't get him. Like he is involved with someone but can't call her his girlfriend, what? Seems like he is trying to say the relationship is open but since he is not looking to do anything nor is she they don't cross the line but if they wanted to they could. I have to mention he was in a very long term relationship a year ago and was engaged but right after breaking up with that person he started this long distance relationship, I get the impression that the LD was his comfort at the time of his breakup.
According to his cousin he was very hurt over that breakup and became distant.

He sounds too wishy-washy. If he has this many hangups now, imagine how it could get worse later on. He might still be hurt over that breakup too. Guys take serious breakups extremely hard.

He is unavaible emotionally and it isn't worth it. I would also hate for you to be that 'new friend' shoulder to lean on and once he gets himself right, he finds someone new.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Now I tell his cousin about this and she goes yeah I know about the chick but they just started talking and if you come into the picture he can forget all about her. Ladies, I am not one to try to take no ones man, and i am afraid of Karma but I am feeling him. He has let me know upfront his situation and has let me know that no one can come between him and the other girl so I am not going to try to do such thing.

This is the part you should be focusing on right here. He's already been upfront with you and has let you know that he has a girlfriend in another country. Plus, he also told you that "nobody" can come between him and his gf. SO..... That's basically all you need to know! To tell you the truth, this guy sounds like a very honest and good person. Because most guys if they had a gf in another COUNTRY would probably not even tell another woman that if they just wanted something "on the side". How would his gf know? She's in another country for goodness sakes!

So take his words as a blessing to you, and a hint for you to move on.

What would you guys do

Honestly?? I would just leave it alone. I would quit now while I'm ahead. It's not like you two had a "history" together or knew each other before he had a gf. You just saw him and thought he was cute. So, I would leave it alone. I wouldn't even try to be his friend or start any online relationship with him. It will just make you more frustrated that he's not leaving his gf that lives in another country.

If things between him and his gf ever end, THEN maybe he'll come and look you up. But for the moment he's talking to someone else and he seems pretty content for the time being.

Leave it alone. Believe a man when he tells you things about him. This man told you upfront that nothing can come between him and the girl in the other country. That was honest and was better than him stringing you along.

I was just let it go. If you want to be friends fine, but don't try and push things towards a relationship since he has someone. How would you feel is you were the other girl?

If it was me, I'd just leave him alone. He didn't pursue you for your number or anything, so he wasn't checking for you in the beginning because he probably wasn't paying any mind to you.

Exactly. Plus I agree that what if YOU were the other girl in another country? How would you feel about some girl trying to make moves on your man when he's already told you that he's talking to you??

Please don't settle... (Because guys will take advantage of you if you try to offer them your "goodies" in hopes that he'll eventually fall for you and leave his gf. Later on down the line when you end up getting fed up with the situation and keep pressuring him for more of a commitment he'll just say: "well, I told you I had a girlfriend! What did you expect??" ) Go find yourself a nice ELLIGIBLE man. They are out there! The good ones aren't all taken!

 

[Lucie]

Leave him alone. If it wasn't serious about her why is he still with her?

 

[Bunny77]

You're only feeling him because he looks attractive to you.

You barely know this man and he's in another relationship, regardless of how strong it is or isn't. Leave him alone and move on.

 

[Tee]

Please don't settle... (Because guys will take advantage of you if you try to offer them your "goodies" in hopes that he'll eventually fall for you and leave his gf. Later on down the line when you end up getting fed up with the situation and keep pressuring him for more of a commitment he'll just say: "well, I told you I had a girlfriend! What did you expect??" ) Go find yourself a nice ELLIGIBLE man. They are out there! The good ones aren't all taken!

Just because the "ghost writing" needs to be seen. You said everything I don't have time to type at the moment!

 

[Tee]

Leave him alone. If it wasn't serious about her why is he still with her?

You know how some guys are, if they have some booty here and some there and some overseas too; it all 'happy days' for them! While these chicks are being played and getting emotions involved.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

I will continue to communicate with him via email as friends and move on. My intentions really were not to pursue anything after he told me that he has a girl, it was just after talking to the cousin I started to think about it which is why I posted cause I was a bit tempted to try to get at him.

The ironic thing about this is, that I use to talk to someone in Haiti and everyone told me to move on because guys in Haiti are this and that and why can't I find someone here, I eventually let go because I realized that I wanted to have someone here to share my life with. This guy is in the same situation, the girl lives in Haiti but for some reason people look at it differently. No one is telling him to move on and find someone here. I guess I was comparing our situations, even he told me that he would not recommend a LD especially with someone over there because they try to take advantage of you one way or another, but he is in the same boat, so I don't know, again he is contradicting himself.

Really I am just attracted to him and according to his cousins is a good guy but he is attached and I respect that so there is nothing I could do about it but to let go.

 

[brownelovely]

Leave him be and find someone else. I think you only want him more because he's with someone else that not physically available to him at all times. LDR's can be pretty strong and it's a great move for him to be upfront about his situation (as T.I. would call it ).

You'll find a great man when you least expect it. This one just wasn't meant for you. Besides, do you really want to be the rebound should his relationship end? You'll be in for a whole different set of problems that will definitely range from his heartbreak, mixed feelings for you & her, confusion from not knowing what to do about this .....I seriously doubt that you want to get into this.

 

[Makenzie]

he already has a girl.

Heres the story....
Recently I went to a wedding and noticed a very handsome young man but he left the reception early so I never got to speak to him. Well I inquired about him through his cousin and she tells me he is single. Okay I am happy to hear that but then she has him contact me via email and we start talking, he tells me he is involve with a girl in another country. He travels back there once a year but he can't really define what they have as a commited relationship but it is not like he is over here hoeing around, he is the same person with or without her.

Now I tell his cousin about this and she goes yeah I know about the chick but they just started talking and if you come into the picture he can forget all about her. Ladies, I am not one to try to take no ones man, and i am afraid of Karma but I am feeling him. He has let me know upfront his situation and has let me know that no one can come between him and the other girl so I am not going to try to do such thing.

I guess my problem is, why be with someone another country if you have an option here next to you? I myself used to talk to someone in another country but if I met someone I was feeling here, I would leave because that person would do the same if they had a chance. He is not leading me on, we have only been communicating online so he is not giving me the impression that this will go far but anything can happen. What would you guys do, continue to talk to him as a friend and see if this goes anywhere or just not communicate at all with him and let him be in his long distance relationship. I swear all the guys I am attracted to are always taken or gay, this one I can't even define he is taken but he is involved so he says, I wonder if I am cursed at times, geez.

To the red - HE, himself told you he is in a committed relationship and no one can come between them. End of story. I'd cut contact and move on. It's obvious you are developing feelings.

To the blue - That's what YOU would do. Doesn't really matter in this case because it's his situation.

To the green - KIM!! HE told you about the relationship upfront. No it's not something you would do, but you have to respect his choices. You being friends with him on the basis of something could happen is wrong, imo. I say leave him alone.

 

[Nyssa28]

Why even communicate with by email still, if he has a girl? You're still setting yourself up for disappointment.

 

[Son26]

Don't listen to his cousin. He's already told you he's in a committed relationship. Let it go.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

Don't listen to his cousin. He's already told you he's in a committed relationship. Let it go.

He did not say he was in a commited relationship. He claims he cannot call what they have a commited relationship but if someone ask him if he has someone he will say yes he is involved. I know this does not make a difference but he is also stating he is not in a committed relationship and the he is open minded and so is she. I don't know maybe they have some sort of understanding as far as you do what you want and I do what I want but at the end of the day we will always be together. I already know it is not a good situation to bring myself in but I don't see anything being wrong by being his friend.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

He did not say he was in a commited relationship. He claims he cannot call what they have a commited relationship but if someone ask him if he has someone he will say yes he is involved. I know this does not make a difference but he is also stating he is not in a committed relationship and the he is open minded and so is she. I don't know maybe they have some sort of understanding as far as you do what you want and I do what I want but at the end of the day we will always be together. I already know it is not a good situation to bring myself in but I don't see anything being wrong by being his friend.

Okay.... so as his "friend", would you feel comfortable if he starts talking to you about his "non-commited" girlfriend back in Haiti? Because...that is what friends do you know. They share intimate details about their relationships.

I don't mean to be blunt, but if you would have just the slightest feeling/twinge of jealousy or resentment if he were to start talking to you about his gf, then you're not really "friends" with him if you ask me.

Please, don't make the mistake of remaining a guys' "Friend" in the hopes that he will drop his gf and come to you. Sometimes it happens, but most of the time it doesn't. Trust me, I learned my lesson! It's a tough pill to swallow, but I've learned that it's just better to be friends with guys who are single and available to date you.

ETA: I would do NC ("no-contact") with him. Maybe in the future if he breaks up with his gf he can remember you and start pursuing you for a relationship. But "hanging around" in the hopes that he will come around is just going to give you unnecessary heartache and drama imo.

 

[Kerryann]

leave him alone just be friends dont expect nothing more

 

[Zaynab]

This reminds me of the thread about if he's not married, is he available.

 

[blaqueskimo]

Leave it alone. Believe a man when he tells you things about him. This man told you upfront that nothing can come between him and the girl in the other country. That was honest and was better than him stringing you along.

I was just let it go. If you want to be friends fine, but don't try and push things towards a relationship since he has someone. How would you feel if you were the other girl?

If it was me, I'd just leave him alone. He didn't pursue you for your number or anything, so he wasn't checking for you in the beginning because he probably wasn't paying any mind to you.

Couldn't have said it better myself!

 

[brownelovely]

He did not say he was in a commited relationship. He claims he cannot call what they have a commited relationship but if someone ask him if he has someone he will say yes he is involved. I know this does not make a difference but he is also stating he is not in a committed relationship and the he is open minded and so is she. I don't know maybe they have some sort of understanding as far as you do what you want and I do what I want but at the end of the day we will always be together. I already know it is not a good situation to bring myself in but I don't see anything being wrong by being his friend.

*in Neffe voice* "Are you Serious???"

You are making terrible excuses to keep going at this man and he's made it crystal clear to you that he is with someone else. The only reason you want to be friends with him is to keep some kind of contact going i.e so he doesn't forget your around.

Please know and recognize that you will be the desperate friend clinging to hopes of getting with him. Should his girl find out about you, best believe she will be totally against the friendship and since he's made it clear no one will come between them>>>>you will get the boot evetually.

Find your own man, the same way you get him will be the same way you lose him.

 

[Crystal]

I'd run as fast as my legs could carry me. Another man about to run yet another game and about to get away with it.

Ladies, This is what you call a red flag. Many times we ignore these red flags... Stop it! Empower yourselves.. be THAT *****...large and in charge of her feelings.

You just met the guy. Let it go and move on to someone available. Or just stay by yourself. Being single is not a horrible thing. I wouldn't even do the email buddy thing...

 

[tocktick]

It's a bad sign if you're wondering if this guy is even available to date. If that simple box hasn't even been checked, back off! I'm guessing if you were in that other girls shoes, this situation would probably make you mad as heck, right? Just because you're not doesn't make it ok because you know good and well that it's damn wrong.

Btw, if he's downplaying that girls position in his life and trying to get at you, then you're probably not the only girl (or potential candidate) he's seeing back on your home country. For real. Be aware that if you go through with this one, he'll date the out-of-town girl (as he's already told you), you and probably some other girls too since you've established that behaviour is A-OK from the get go.

eta: I wouldn't take what he says about how serious his relationship is all that serious. I think it's obvious how trust-worthy he appears to be. Furthermore, if I were you I'd cease with the emails. He disrespected you by trying to get you involved in some love triangle mess erplexed

 

[Serenity_Peace]

I'm crying for you. You are going to end up hurt if you pursue this...

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

I am not trying to pursue anything, as mentioned that is why I posted for some advice. I see that it is not a good idea and I am not going to try to get with him in any way. I would like to remain friends with him not because I want to stay in the picture but because he seems like a very intelligent and spiritual person that I have learned alot from even if it is through emails. I have plently of male friends who at one point either I was interested or they were interested and we did not cross that line and we are still friends but no longer have interest.
Again Karma is something I believe in and if he is with someone, there is no way I am going to try to get into that. As long as he continues to email me, I will continue to email him and that is how far it will go. We all be be tempted sometimes but our concious will not allow us to overstep our bounderies and do something we will regret.

 

[Browndilocks]

You would like to remain friends with him? Sweetie he is NOT your friend and never has been. You're trippin. You pursued him and initiated contact with him and its up to you to put an end to it.

A man will string you along for as long as you allow it, and continuing to email him as long as he emails you is setting yourself up for just that. You say that you've learned alot from him but please believe that your hard lessons are on the horizon if you don't leave that man alone. Toughen up and walk away from this situation with some respect and dignity and don't allow yourself to be in a pseudo relationship.