She tells me: "Your hair looks unprofessional; you need to relax!"

[Chanteuse]

AwwI can totally feel you in this situation. I've had to deal with the trade off of trying to stretch and take better care of my hair and having a polished looking hairstyle before too and I have had my share of rough days as a result. When I stretch for long periods of time I have to wet/wash every day. I either do a wet bun - detangling my hair and applying products while wet - gel to my hairline and tying down for at least 10-15 minutes. It's not practical to do that before work when it's cold out but it works just as well at night. You just end up with deeper waves. This provides a Very sleek look that I always get compliments on DEEP into my stretch.

Another option is to do a braid out that is pulled into a clawclip or loose roll. This is good for blending the new growth with relaxed hair.

The way I do braid outs is Super simple. I let my hair air dry about 50%, then add some condish or leave in to remoisten it a bit. Braid into ONE braid at the top of my head and tie with a scarf (add a flexi rod or small roller the end). This needs to be rebraided every night with more conditioner to look fresh. It's a very low manipulation style and looks great IMO.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do - All of the tips in this thread will help you have an easier time the nest time you decide to stretch. HTH!

 

[sikora]

I would tell her GOOD LOOKING OUT.

I don't (personally) see the point of not looking at least, say, 80% of your best. I understand the basis for stretching, but if it ain't working in your favor, and you are going to continue to relax and not go natural, why put yourself through it.

I agree with this. When I first started out, I used to stretch for about 4 months. My hair looked a HOT MESS because my new growth was not smoothed down and I couldn't find any product to do that. I finally stopped doing that this year and started relaxing at 10 weeks.

 

[QUINN]

SerenityP, I admire you for taking what she said with humility, and I'm so glad for you that you have an ally in this process. My academic advisor is phenomenal (she is a Black woman, too) and I could imagine her doing the same for me. I do agree that you need to do what is best for you in the long run. If you want to keep stretching the relaxer, especially since you don't have too long to go, then you should do it, but if you agree with her and decide maybe to do it before then, that's okay, too. I do wonder if 19 more days would make that significant of a difference or if it's just the principle of feeling like you kowtowed to someone else's preferences.

Anyway, you're blessed to have someone looking out for you because the academy is deep, and I am so glad for you in that regard. I bet you anything that other staff/students were making snippy remarks. and she was the only one who cared enough to say anything to your face.

This is another way to look at it. Seeing as she's your mentor, she probably didn't mean any harm. The bold part is most likely true. People can be mean behind your back, a real person that has your best at heart will tell you to your face in a respectful manner.

 

[bravenewgirl87]

Mmmmkaaaaay. So she is natural... but wants you to relax your hair?

Alllright.

So I think you should ignore her. However, you can invest in some Redken Water Wax or Paul Mitchell's Slick Works. Even some good old fashion Jam! will do the trick.

And she'll see when you hair is touching your waistline.

Backward behind female.

 

[newflowers]

Since you were going to relax in another two weeks and you pointed out how difficult it is to comb your hair right now, perhaps you will consider washing and deep conditioning so you can actually comb out the tangles and the shed hairs - something you have to do before you relax anyway.
From what I understand, the problem is not the transitioning, it's the no combing and brishing during the transitioning.

If you wash and dc tonight/tomorrow, you will be better prepared to relax this weekend when your hair is preparede to be relaxed. I would be afriad of relaxing unprepared - now that could ruin the progress.

Good luck - I think you're very fortunate to have such a caring and honest mentor.

 

[loved]

That was kind of her and not an easy thing to do.

 

[charmtreese]

Im over 4 months post and I also work in a "Professional" atmosphere. What I do is like others have mentioned, I tie my edges down with a scarf at night and normally wear my hair in a bun or in a pinned up banana clip like in my avi.

 

[mrsjohnson75]

Maybe you don't have to relax ....instead of wearing a bun which exposes your edges and nape. Do a braidout, twistout, bantu knots or some other textured style. Your hair is below SL so it would cover your nape (check out my avatar). You could put a little side or middle part in the front and fingercomb the curls to frame your face..this would cover your edges. This is what I do..

 

[Gisselle]

Aww Serenity, Well I dont think she was being mean she was giving u her point of view as ur mentor.
Since u only have 19 days to go then thats not so bad. Other wise like some ladies have said slap some moisturizer/oil or gel all around and tie a scarf over night. By moring it should be flat just put a lil more oil on ur hair for sheen and make the neatest bun u can make

Make sure u take some pics cuz i wanna see ur progress girlie

I totally agree

 

[LadyBlu]

You are a good one! I was all types of fired up when I first read your post. I'm sure your mentor did not mean any harm, but it is YOUR hair. Do with it what you will.

I wonder how people responded (or may still be responding) to her natural hair.

If you don't want to relax, then don't. A lot of ladies have made some suggestions about a more polished look.

You said you tried flexi rods. How about flexi's with a nice scarf tied around it like a headband? The Dominican Blowout is also a good option if you can find a salon nearby. They take walk ins.

Finally, I am in a VERY conservative industry (pharma sales), and I have stretched over 6 months with no problem. It can be done!

 

[Lavendar]

I know that was kind of hard to take initially, but I really believe your mentor has your best interest at heart. If you really trust and respect her as your mentor, then you already know she does. With that in mind, and the fact that you have a very important presentation coming up, you have to keep in mind that you are representing not only yourself but the company you work for as well. I'm sure that is one of the main reasons why she had such a difficult conversation with you. Step in her shoes for a minute....I can't imagine it was easy for her to say. She could actually have heard others talking and wanted to get you out of harm's way before it became a hurtful issue with others in the office. With only 19 days to go in your stretch, I wouldn't let that stand in the way of losing the respect my mentor has for me or letting her think I ignored or didn't value her advice, especially if I agreed with her to make some changes to my appearance to improve my professional image. Certainly you will not hinder the progress you have made for relaxing 19 days early. But if you haven't combed in forever, you need to take extreme care in detangling first, protecting your relaxed hair, and applying your relaxer. Blessings with whatever you decide to do, but remember that we all have to live within a certain culture, climate, expectation, etc. at some point and time. You can compromise and still not lose yourself personally or professionally. Just my 2 cents!

 

[HoneyDew]

I would not relax, but that is just because I am stubborn and don't like people telling me what I should do about my personal choice. But, I don't think I would make it for a 6 month stretch though. Yeah, my hair would not be cute! You have to do what's best for you. Your stretch is almost over - go for it. Also, if you relax it should be cool,too. 20 days is not that big of a deal really.

 

[ladylibra]

That was kind of her and not an easy thing to do.

yep. like i said, people were probably talking and at least your mentor cared enough to come to you and be real, without being malicious. i don't think it had anything to do with transitioning, but styling.

 

[DozenRoses99]

I agree with most of the ladies. There are other options besides relaxing. However, since you are almost finished with your stretch then it isn't going to be a bad thing if you relax a few days early. Just know that during your next stretch there are options to having your hair look neat besides just relaxing.

 

[Sunshine_One]

Whew SP that was a serious CONVERSATION. I also think you mentor had your best interest at heart. With that said if I was in this situation I would head over to Judith's or even better to Salon Revive www.salonrevive.com and let them give me a good wash and deep conditioning steam treatment (I've had it it's phenom) and have them set my hair on rollers and the get a nice quick flat iron for my presentation. This way you and your hair can get some TLC and conditioning in prep for your touch up next week (or whenever you decide to do it). This way you'll look great for your presentation and continue your stretch and maintain your hair's health.

That's my 2 cents HTH. Hugs to you!


ETA: If you decide to go to Salon Revive ask for Yodit. If she's not avail ask for Huette. This is the salon I go to now when i want to wear my hair straight styled and they are very gentle and very good with natural and relaxed hair. It's an Aveda concept salon and the stylists are Ethiopian.

 

[sylver2]

wow..i'm trying to picture what your hair is looking like for her to say this. i don't comb hair or brush it and have stretched six months...but its always smooth and flat.personally i would hav gotten upset. it jus depends...

 

[blackmaven]

I think it was kind of your mentor to pull you aside to give you constructive criticism about your hair.

She is natural ladies. She just saying Hey do something with your hair. She has the attire just have to fix hair. She should not be looking like she rolled out of bed. Come on now.

I think you are wise to listen without blowing up not everyone can take a critique of their har. Most sister would be Suggestions try dominican salon,relax or Slyler scarf method.

 

[guudhair]

I would just probably continue my goal this time since you really do want to stretch for six months but next time I would set a new goal to a shorter time (maybe four or five months) since you said you've tried alot of things that just haven't worked out for this stretch and it's gotten to a point that you really can't manage it...so maybe a shorter time frame would be better to manage.
Until then maybe you can try a really good moisturizing conditioner to soften your hair up a bit so you will be able to slick it down better or JAM (that works very good)...or just get a blow out
As for your mentor, I'm really sure she was not being a "hater" by any means...I would rather someone who is within my division that I respect to let me know something like that instead of someone who is not or that I don't respect and doesn't respect me...that does make a huge difference...you two have known each other for over eight years so by her working with you for that long, she knows and has seen how great you can look...and for her to see you like that for however long it's been since you stop brushing, combing, couldn't put it in a bun or a decent french roll, she felt it was time for "Big Sis" to step in...and her being a natural tells me she couldn't take it any longer...
good luck either way...

 

[Miss*Tress]

I wouldn't relax.

Why can't you just go get it shampooed and styled.

Wetset, strawset, bun, french roll, Dominican blowout, rollerset, braids, etc

I can understand her point and sometimes I feel like I look a mess at work. I wish somebody would tell me!

But you can look sleek and professional WITHOUT a relaxer and she should understand that as a natural woman. Maybe she should have suggested you get your hair styled before your presentation but she shouldn't have advised you to get a relaxer.

I agree entirely with this post. Your mentor may have been right and it's great that she was honest with you, however, there are styling alternatives when stretching. If you roller set your hair, for example, you can straighten the roots with a flat-iron or pressing comb.

Good luck with your presentation and knock 'em dead!

 

[HoneyA]

Thank you, ladies. I can always count on you for telling it straight.

About this woman: she really is a gem. She's like my mother away from home. And she's not a hater, either. She's not like many of the other women who hate me because they have issues. She's been with me through it all and helped me get through my doctoral program. She really does mean well. At first, I was really upset, but to be honest, I really was looking a mess. I was trying to do the low-manipulation thing because I have so much NG that I cannot even remotely manipulate it.

Flexi-rods and buns won't even do. When I say that I can't even put my hair in my everyday bun, it won't do unless I wet my entire head.

Oh, and I do smooth it down at night and tie a silk scarf. I do this every night without fail, always moisturizing, sealing, then tying with a scarf.

The problem is really my crown. It's a poofy mess! So when I attempt to do my bun, the top it so poofy that I look the Predator! That ain't no lie.

So the only style that I can wear it in is a messy French roll. I could lightly brush the hair and smooth it more so that the ragged edges and beedy-bees at the nape are well kept.

Let's see how tomorrow goes.

I really do not want to relax...and more importantly, I'm a little apprehensive about doing my own relaxer after waiting this long. On the other hand when I was natural, I did my own virgin relaxer as well.

We'll see...

Thanks so much again!

Feel free to share more tips and I'll keep ya'll posted!

Well in that case, the scarf method is not working for you so get some not too tight braids for the next two weeks. You'll be fine, no need to relax...Do the simple ones with corn rows back or something. That style always looks professional and goes well with a suit.

 

[bgsix]

See you've got a true sista friend looking out for you. She wasn't malicious. Even you had to admit that you have not been looking good - she simply gave you confirmation. If she noticed, other probably did also.

I wish you good luck in whatever you decided to do for your hair.

Oh yeah- knock em during the presentation.

 

[Serenity_Peace]

O.K., ladies. I won't stay online too long because I have to start preparing for tomorrow. But here's what I have decided to do about my hair:

I don't have time to relax or even consider doing too much to it, so I will wash, deep condition, detangle and air dry my hair. I will smooth it back and use a phony pony to wrap my hair in a nice bun, covering my hair. I'll try to take pics, but I think this can be done, provided that I am able to find a pony that matches my texture.

The only other option at this point is to wash, deep condition and blow dry and flat iron the roots. I haven't used too much direct heat, so I could do that.

Whatever I decide, I will let you ladies know how it works out.

Thanks so much...ALL OF YOU...for your help.

I'll check back in later.

SP

P.S. I saw my mentor this morning and she told me that my hair looks "better." I told her that I will take care of it for tomorrow's presentation. She smiled and nodded. I think she means well and has my best interest at heat. I suppose others could have been talking about me...but they already do that anyways.

 

[Serenity_Peace]

O.K. ya'll so I just returned from lunch and the BSS. I realized that I really don't have time to wash, deep condition, airdry AND blowdry AND flatiron. So here's what I'm going to do...

I went to the BSS and purchased an 8" weave. Now, mind you, I have NEVER worn a weave in my life and don't know the first thing about it, but I saw this woman who wrapped her weave around her own hair and made a nice bun out of it. I kindly asked her how she did it and basically she told me that she takes the weave hair and wrap it around her 3" short pony tail, using ouchless bobby pins to secure. It looked so cute.

So I got a 1B off black because I haven't dyed my hair jet black in a minute.

I'll do my shikakai/alma wash, deep condition, then hair dry in a pony, using my non-alcohol gel and moisturizers. I'll tie my hair down with a scarf, just like I normally do and airdry overnight. Tomorrow morning, I'll wake and wrap the weaving hair around my own pony, security with bobby pins as I go along. If I get a chance, I'll take pics if things turn out o.k.

I'll keep ya'll posted, but this is a happy compromise where I can maintain my stretch and also look sleek and neat.

 

[HoneyA]

O.K. ya'll so I just returned from lunch and the BSS. I realized that I really don't have time to wash, deep condition, airdry AND blowdry AND flatiron. So here's what I'm going to do...

I went to the BSS and purchased an 8" weave. Now, mind you, I have NEVER worn a weave in my life and don't know the first thing about it, but I saw this woman who wrapped her weave around her own hair and made a nice bun out of it. I kindly asked her how she did it and basically she told me that she takes the weave hair and wrap it around her 3" short pony tail, using ouchless bobby pins to secure. It looked so cute.

So I got a 1B off black because I haven't dyed my hair jet black in a minute.

I'll do my shikakai/alma wash, deep condition, then hair dry in a pony, using my non-alcohol gel and moisturizers. I'll tie my hair down with a scarf, just like I normally do and airdry overnight. Tomorrow morning, I'll wake and wrap the weaving hair around my own pony, security with bobby pins as I go along. If I get a chance, I'll take pics if things turn out o.k.

I'll keep ya'll posted, but this is a happy compromise where I can maintain my stretch and also look sleek and neat.

Good luck with everything. Make sure you secure that weave properly.

 

[tthreat08]

O.K. ya'll so I just returned from lunch and the BSS. I realized that I really don't have time to wash, deep condition, airdry AND blowdry AND flatiron. So here's what I'm going to do...

I went to the BSS and purchased an 8" weave. Now, mind you, I have NEVER worn a weave in my life and don't know the first thing about it, but I saw this woman who wrapped her weave around her own hair and made a nice bun out of it. I kindly asked her how she did it and basically she told me that she takes the weave hair and wrap it around her 3" short pony tail, using ouchless bobby pins to secure. It looked so cute.

So I got a 1B off black because I haven't dyed my hair jet black in a minute.

I'll do my shikakai/alma wash, deep condition, then hair dry in a pony, using my non-alcohol gel and moisturizers. I'll tie my hair down with a scarf, just like I normally do and airdry overnight. Tomorrow morning, I'll wake and wrap the weaving hair around my own pony, security with bobby pins as I go along. If I get a chance, I'll take pics if things turn out o.k.

I'll keep ya'll posted, but this is a happy compromise where I can maintain my stretch and also look sleek and neat.

Good luck with everything. I want to say though that you are blessed. I have been mentored and I mentor others as well. I still call upon my first mentor (a very wonderful white woman)-who has ALWAYS had my back. That's rare. Especially when you look halfway attractive, women tend to hate. erplexed. She though is always on her "A" game-so she had no problem keeping me hip and maximizing my potentential. As professional women we HAVE to look out for one another. In order to play the game, you have to be IN the game. That's just the reality. Whether you are natural or relaxed, professionalism is a must. Kudos to you for having the openess to receive her words. Very blessed....

 

[Natalie76]

Seriously though, please heed the words of your mentor. I know a few women here would have taken offense to what she said, but consider the fact that she's known you for 8 years and you trust that she is looking out for you. Bump this message board, no one here knows you in real life, nor have we seen what your hair looks like on a daily basis. It is your decision on what you do to your hair, but at the same time being black in corporate America comes with enough stress, you dont need to add an "image issue" to the bundle. If you choose not to relax it, then do a roller set like someone else offered. I've found these and braid outs to be helpful in my own stretches.

 

[Leslie_C]

O.K. ya'll so I just returned from lunch and the BSS. I realized that I really don't have time to wash, deep condition, airdry AND blowdry AND flatiron. So here's what I'm going to do...

I went to the BSS and purchased an 8" weave. Now, mind you, I have NEVER worn a weave in my life and don't know the first thing about it, but I saw this woman who wrapped her weave around her own hair and made a nice bun out of it. I kindly asked her how she did it and basically she told me that she takes the weave hair and wrap it around her 3" short pony tail, using ouchless bobby pins to secure. It looked so cute.

So I got a 1B off black because I haven't dyed my hair jet black in a minute.

I'll do my shikakai/alma wash, deep condition, then hair dry in a pony, using my non-alcohol gel and moisturizers. I'll tie my hair down with a scarf, just like I normally do and airdry overnight. Tomorrow morning, I'll wake and wrap the weaving hair around my own pony, security with bobby pins as I go along. If I get a chance, I'll take pics if things turn out o.k.

I'll keep ya'll posted, but this is a happy compromise where I can maintain my stretch and also look sleek and neat.

Sounds like a plan! When u slick your hair back, add some serum and/or coconut oil before you tie it down. Your hair should be shiny, soft, and smoothed out when u wake up just like u had blown it dry. Let us know how it turns out! Take pics if u can!

 

[elaine07]

erplexed I was a lil' ticked off when I first read this, but now that I've had time to digest it, I think your friend/mentor was trying to give you some constructive criticism. However, I still think you should hold off on the relaxer. You're stretch is almost over. You're sooo close. I think you can look professional w/ or w/o a relaxer. Just be sure to keep your egdes smooth. If you're bunning, hook it up nicely. Tie a scarf on your head until you get to work. You only have few days left, why stop now? Good Luck w/ whatever decision you make. And send us pics once you relax!

 

[glamazon386]

I would tell her GOOD LOOKING OUT.

I don't (personally) see the point of not looking at least, say, 80% of your best. I understand the basis for stretching, but if it ain't working in your favor, and you are going to continue to relax and not go natural, why put yourself through it.

I would have to agree. She was just trying to help. I wouldn't want to be walking around looking a mess and nobody tell me. My old supervisors hair always looked like that. She had a short haircut but the edges and back always looked rough compared to the rest of her hair. You could tell she tried but it just didn't look polished. She would come in with these bad suits and shoes and then her hair would be like . It just messed up her whole look. I do know that she worked out a lot (3 times a day a believe. I know she used to go to the gym and work out on her lunch break and in the morning before coming into work) and taught aerobics classes so I'm guessing she sweat a lot.

I'm all for DIY, but I still need my hair to look "done". Stretching, Relaxed or Natural. When you are all dressed up and your hair is not neatly coiffed, it brings your whole look down a notch. Why else do you think we get our hair done for special occasions? We want to look our best right? And in some cases no matter how hard we try home DIY hair styles just do not cut it. I stretched for a long time when I was relaxed and I made sure that those roots were not showing. Especially around the edges and nape. Think about how many times we've seen people's hair like that and went . OP, if you plan on stretching this long, you should get the art of disguising those roots down. You might need a heavier gel or pomade or something. But definitely get it smoothed out until your next relaxer. The Fantasia gel (the blue one) works wonders. It'll definitely get you smoothed out for a nice bun. Also, when I was relaxed EQP Glaze was good for stretching. My edges got a nice wave to it when I slicked it back. Now that I'm natural it's not heavy enough to hold my hair down.

 

[Serenity_Peace]

Good luck with everything. I want to say though that you are blessed. I have been mentored and I mentor others as well. I still call upon my first mentor (a very wonderful white woman)-who has ALWAYS had my back. That's rare. Especially when you look halfway attractive, women tend to hate. erplexed. She though is always on her "A" game-so she had no problem keeping me hip and maximizing my potentential. As professional women we HAVE to look out for one another. In order to play the game, you have to be IN the game. That's just the reality. Whether you are natural or relaxed, professionalism is a must. Kudos to you for having the openess to receive her words. Very blessed....

Thank you, sweetie! Yes, I think she is quite the angel and I receive her words because everything that she had told me has come to fruition. When I was writing my dissertation and it took me years, she would push me along. I would cry and cry and tell her that I didn't want to finish and that I couldn't do it. And she would cry with me and pray with me and we'd start laughing. (I'm tearing up as I write this.) Anyway, there is so much hatred around here and sometimes I walk down the hall and the black women are so rude and hateful. I would still smile and speak and they would give me a half-smile. My mentor tells me it's because they see my positive spirit. And they think that I think "I'm all that because I have a Ph.D. and speak well...and I think I'm cute" and all this. I would be so upset because I couldn't understand. I wouldn't carry myself like this. I would be kind and friendly. And she'd tell me that it has nothing to do with that; they are angry at themselves because of the decisions that THEY made. It has nothing to do with me or my degrees or my looks or dress, or the way I speak. I don't think I'm all that at all, but they don't feel good about themselves. And still I try to remain humble and friendly towards everyone. And that's why she puts up with me.

I tried to mentor someone else...a young lady who ended up hurting me and my family. I've felt like a failure for years about it, angry at myself. But my mentor tells me that people have to go their own way; they are responsible for their own lives and I can't save the world.

So when she tells me that I need to do something with my hair, she's not really scolding me. She's telling me to "watch out." She's simply telling me what she thinks is in my best interest and I can't think of any instance in all the years that I've known her, where she's been wrong.

Thanks so much for sharing. I will definitely keep ya'll posted.

ETA: YOU ARE A VERY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN!! And you are very blessed to have found a mentor who genuinely loves and cares for you. That's rare for women regardless of race.