She tells me: "Your hair looks unprofessional; you need to relax!"

[Serenity_Peace]

My mentor and I are the only two professional black women in my division at work. Today, she pulls me aside and...

Her: How long have we known one another?
Me: For nearly 8 years now.
Her: And you've never known me to tell you a lie or lead you astray?
Me: No. You've always given me great advice.
Her: And so you won't be hurt if I give you constructive criticism.
Me: No. You always do and I take what you have to say to heart and try to improve in areas where I need to.
Her: Well. O.K. I understand what you're trying to do with your hair.
Me: What do you understand?
Her: I understand that you have been trying not to relax for 6 months.
Me: You're going to try and talk me out of it.
Her: Well...not exactly. I just think that you are doing more damage by not relaxing. (She is natural, by the way.) Your hair looks really bad. You're not wearing the bun anymore. You're just wearing it pinned up and your edges and nape look really bad.
Me: Really?
Her: Yes. Like you don't even try to smooth them down. You just come to work and it looks like you just get out of bed, gather your hair up, and pin it up. You're not even trying to make it look nice.
Me: I didn't realize that.
Her: And you don't comb it, either, do you?
Me: Well, I try not to comb or brush because of the new growth.
Her: And it looks like it, too!
Me: Well, I guess I'll have to go ahead and relax if you're saying that it looks that bad.
Her: YES! It looks that bad. Not ghetto. But just bad and you look unprofessional. You wear nice suits but your unkept hair takes away from your professionalism.
Me:

So I'mma go ahead and relax tomorrow night. I have a major presentation on Thursday afternoon with major industry executives. I can't be looking unprofessional.

I guess I'll have to end my stretch.

But, for those of you who have stretch for 4 months and beyond, is there anything that I need to be mindful of?

How should I prepare for this relaxer?

Thanks for listening and understanding.

I usually do my own relaxers but never stretched this long. I'm kind of scared, too!

 

[ChocalateDiva]

Be sure to base your scalp. When was the last time you DC'd with moisture? It really helps my ng soften up before a relaxer, but dont get your scalp wet 48 before you relax.

Best of luck.

 

[God_Favor]

deleted post!

 

[HoneyA]

Wow! You two must be really good buddies. I don't get the impression she was trying to be mean though. In future, you could try moisturizing your ng and tying it down with a scarf at night. That will make your hair and ng go flat by morning. You can also then spritz or moisturize again in the morning and seal for a shine. Then you could also get some hair zings to spruce it up and give it that professional look but still maintain your protective styling. Don't worry, you'll master the stretching soon. There's nothing wrong with stretching but I think she was trying to point out that you should still make more of an effort to look the part as a professional and your hair plays a part in your overall executive look.

Oh since you haven't been combing you really need to gently detangle before trying to apply that relaxer if you do go through with it. Try not to agitate the scalp though.

 

[SouthernJewel]

Lol! I like your mentor, she was honest and non-brutal. If you don't want to relax maybe you should try a 1/2 wig?

 

[God_Favor]

okay, maybe I'm a little sensitive today , I'm the only 1 hot about this post!! But, I see their points she was not being rude but I feel its still none of her beeswax

 

[NessaNessa]

Awww sorry you have to end your stretch. It's good you have someone to let you know you werent looking your best. Have you tried flexi rods? They look great when I stretch. I actually like them better when my hair is several weeks post relaxer. Maybe you can try new styles.

You took her cc in good strides. Way to go and dont forget to post pics!!! Ooops, I didnt answer your question and I have no idea as to

 

[Maynard]

I was going to say bump her, but you only have 19 days left... Its not going to make much of a difference if you relax at this point. Good Luck

 

[KnottyGurl]

She sounds like she was trying to look out for you. If you're trying to stretch but don't want to relax, why don't you get a dominican blow-out, press and curl or rollerset for your big presentation and to at least help with your daily upkeep. If you really don't want to relax, there are other ways.

 

[God_Favor]

I was going to say bump her, but you only have 19 days left... Its not going to make much of a difference if you relax at this point. Good Luck

I did not notice that part!!! For some reason I was thinking you were transitioning!!! Hope your hair turns out nice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[candiel]

Wow! You two must be really good buddies. I don't get the impression she was trying to be mean though. In future, you could try moisturizing your ng and tying it down with a scarf at night. That will make your hair and ng go flat by morning. You can also then spritz or moisturize again in the morning and seal for a shine. Then you could also get some hair zings to spruce it up and give it that professional look but still maintain your protective styling. Don't worry, you'll master the stretching soon. There's nothing wrong with stretching but I think she was trying to point out that you should still make more of an effort to look the part as a professional and your hair plays a part in your overall executive look.

I agree! If you want to stretch you should do it. Are you totally against brushing or combing? Maybe, you could try using some mango butter and coconut oil on your nape and edges, brush them back and tie it down with a scarf. I think that you can do protective styles and still look professional.

 

[sareca]

Wow! You two must be really good buddies. I don't get the impression she was trying to be mean though. In future, you could try moisturizing your ng and tying it down with a scarf at night. That will make your hair and ng go flat by morning. You can also then spritz or moisturize again in the morning and seal for a shine. Then you could also get some hair zings to spruce it up and give it that professional look but still maintain your protective styling. Don't worry, you'll master the stretching soon. There's nothing wrong with stretching but I think she was trying to point out that you should still make more of an effort to look the part as a professional and your hair plays a part in your overall executive look.

ITA. Definitely try the scarf thing. I apply gel, rake with my fingers, then tie it down for 10-20 minutes. You could also try braids or twists. I usually braid my hair around 4-6 months into a stretch.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Maybe you should just go back to bunning. Do the sock bun thing. Its a polished and professional look. Tie down at night and dont take the scarf off until you get to work.

I say go for the 6.

 

[redcreme]

perplexedWoW!!!!!!!..my mouth is wide open right now...some people can be really frank!.......woww...but u gotta admire her honesty...at least she didnt shout u out in front of people, the fact that she pulled u aside shows she probably meant well...

but ultimately the decision is up to you, u can stretch and look presentable...(wash/ deep condition/ slick wet hair back in a bun with fantasia ic get/ tie down tightly with silk scarf...u'll be good to go in the morning)

Or u can just go ahead and relax...since ur gonna do it tomorrow, it might be too late to wash...so i would just slightly detangle and base the scalp tonight, and then tomorrow coat the previously relaxed ends with moisturizer and silk protein...and then relax

Whatever you choose to do....make sure u look fiyah!!!!!!!!!!!!! ....Just to shut that chick up...Mentor or not...that biaatch sho is frank!

 

[DDTexlaxed]

Why not try to flat iron your NG if you want to complete your stretch? I'm proud of you for taking this so well. I'd be like....
You are a true pro girl!

 

[seeminglysweet]

I wouldn't relax.

Why can't you just go get it shampooed and styled.

Wetset, strawset, bun, french roll, Dominican blowout, rollerset, braids, etc

I can understand her point and sometimes I feel like I look a mess at work. I wish somebody would tell me!

But you can look sleek and professional WITHOUT a relaxer and she should understand that as a natural woman. Maybe she should have suggested you get your hair styled before your presentation but she shouldn't have advised you to get a relaxer.

 

[KnottyGurl]

I wouldn't relax.

Why can't you just go get it shampooed and styled.

Wetset, strawset, bun, french roll, Dominican blowout, rollerset, braids, etc

I can understand her point and sometimes I feel like I look a mess at work. I wish somebody would tell me!

But you can look sleek and professional WITHOUT a relaxer and she should understand that as a natural woman. Maybe she should have suggested you get your hair styled before your presentation but she shouldn't have advised you to get a relaxer.

 

[Gryphyn]

I gotta rate her for telling you that. I used to work with this chick who was relaxed, but I dunno what she was trying to do...I don't think she got a touch up the whole 1+ years we worked together. Her edges looked a mess and her hair was so damaged. She used to wear it up in a barely-existent pony tail every day with like 2 hair ties wrapped around it. I didn't have to heart to tell her the she should probably do something with it. We're always the biggest critics of our own race anyway.

 

[HAIRapy]

My mentor and I are the only two professional black women in my division at work. Today, she pulls me aside and...

Her: How long have we known one another?
Me: For nearly 8 years now.
Her: And you've never known me to tell you a lie or lead you astray?
Me: No. You've always given me great advice.
Her: And so you won't be hurt if I give you constructive criticism.
Me: No. You always do and I take what you have to say to heart and try to improve in areas where I need to.
Her: Well. O.K. I understand what you're trying to do with your hair.
Me: What do you understand?
Her: I understand that you have been trying not to relax for 6 months.
Me: You're going to try and talk me out of it.
Her: Well...not exactly. I just think that you are doing more damage by not relaxing. (She is natural, by the way.) Your hair looks really bad. You're not wearing the bun anymore. You're just wearing it pinned up and your edges and nape look really bad.
Me: Really?
Her: Yes. Like you don't even try to smooth them down. You just come to work and it looks like you just get out of bed, gather your hair up, and pin it up. You're not even trying to make it look nice.
Me: I didn't realize that.
Her: And you don't comb it, either, do you?
Me: Well, I try not to comb or brush because of the new growth.
Her: And it looks like it, too!
Me: Well, I guess I'll have to go ahead and relax if you're saying that it looks that bad.
Her: YES! It looks that bad. Not ghetto. But just bad and you look unprofessional. You wear nice suits but your unkept hair takes away from your professionalism.
Me:

So I'mma go ahead and relax tomorrow night. I have a major presentation on Thursday afternoon with major industry executives. I can't be looking unprofessional.

I guess I'll have to end my stretch.

But, for those of you who have stretch for 4 months and beyond, is there anything that I need to be mindful of?

How should I prepare for this relaxer?

Thanks for listening and understanding.

I usually do my own relaxers but never stretched this long. I'm kind of scared, too!

Wow, I respect someone who can be honest with me. It sounds like there was no malice intent too. She's a good friend. you have two choices, get some good gel and tie it down in a bun or perm. Either way, I wish you lots of luck!

 

[*Muffin*]

You're better than me. I probably would have been pissed. If you feel that you want to relax your hair, then relax it. But don't let people pressure you into doing something you really don't want to do. If you still want to stretch, there are ways of still looking professional and stretching. You could invest in a wig, or get your hair done in some nice braids. You could even do a roller set and gently blow out your roots for your presentation (like Macherieamour does). All in all, there are many ways of getting your hair sleek and nice without stopping your stretch. But it's up to you.

 

[Empress Yahudah]

Aww Serenity, Well I dont think she was being mean she was giving u her point of view as ur mentor.
Since u only have 19 days to go then thats not so bad. Other wise like some ladies have said slap some moisturizer/oil or gel all around and tie a scarf over night. By moring it should be flat just put a lil more oil on ur hair for sheen and make the neatest bun u can make

Make sure u take some pics cuz i wanna see ur progress girlie

 

[frizzy]

I would tell her GOOD LOOKING OUT.

I don't (personally) see the point of not looking at least, say, 80% of your best. I understand the basis for stretching, but if it ain't working in your favor, and you are going to continue to relax and not go natural, why put yourself through it.

 

[SelfStyled]

Yikes! How are you? I hope your feelings aren't too hurt. I respect your colleague's honesty, however keep in mind it is her opinion and I wouln't relax until you are good and ready to. Several posters have listed several style options to aid you should you decide to stretch a little longer. Congrats on that btw- for that alone you should be commended. One other styling option might be a 1/2 wig w/ a scarf used as a head band. Good luck with whatever you decide and please keep us posted.

 

[Serenity_Peace]

Thank you, ladies. I can always count on you for telling it straight.

About this woman: she really is a gem. She's like my mother away from home. And she's not a hater, either. She's not like many of the other women who hate me because they have issues. She's been with me through it all and helped me get through my doctoral program. She really does mean well. At first, I was really upset, but to be honest, I really was looking a mess. I was trying to do the low-manipulation thing because I have so much NG that I cannot even remotely manipulate it.

Flexi-rods and buns won't even do. When I say that I can't even put my hair in my everyday bun, it won't do unless I wet my entire head.

Oh, and I do smooth it down at night and tie a silk scarf. I do this every night without fail, always moisturizing, sealing, then tying with a scarf.

The problem is really my crown. It's a poofy mess! So when I attempt to do my bun, the top it so poofy that I look the Predator! That ain't no lie.

So the only style that I can wear it in is a messy French roll. I could lightly brush the hair and smooth it more so that the ragged edges and beedy-bees at the nape are well kept.

Let's see how tomorrow goes.

I really do not want to relax...and more importantly, I'm a little apprehensive about doing my own relaxer after waiting this long. On the other hand when I was natural, I did my own virgin relaxer as well.

We'll see...

Thanks so much again!

Feel free to share more tips and I'll keep ya'll posted!

 

[pazyamor]

I definetly understand where she was coming from; my mentor is an older black lady who has lots of experience in the field I want to end up in and she often tells me that your appearance is about %20 of your profession and almost %100 of professional first impressions. So I can understand how she was helping you. At this point, you have two choices: don't relax and just tie it down like everybody suggests; or relax. I personally would not relax only because if you relax, you're going to want to wear it down or something and that doesn't look all that professional (from what I've gathered, anyway) anyway; but if you DC and slick it down overnight and do a very professional and neat bun-I think you will look nice and professional. But that's just me talking. In the end, look at the big picture: would you rather have long flowing locks and no J-O-B? Or just nice hair and a promotion, that's the big picture.

 

[ladylibra]

i came in here all fired up and ready to tell that chick where to go... then i read the post and here is my opinion.

i think she was looking out for your best interest. relaxed is one thing and natural is another... but stretching/transitioning is an odd in-between and it can get hard to make the 2 textures look good together. trust me i know, that's why i only transitioned 4 months! i don't think she was trying to discourage you from stretching your relaxers at all. my bet would be that other people were commenting on your hair looking unkepmt behind your back. at least she was kind enough to come to you with the issue, and i don't think she was being malicious or looking down on your hair.

keep on stretching if it's working for your hair.

 

[sunnydaze]

I agree that she was trying to help you. But at the same time, I would not relax based on someone else's opinion. Like stated before, tying down at night works wonders. Also you could do the half wig thing for a while.

 

[MissJ]

Since you don't comb or brush your hair, she was probably telling the truth. I'm more inclined to think that since she's natural, too. I know when I was transitioning, my hair looked messed up most of the time. It probably does sometimes now, too. I try not to comb or brush my hair during the week either. Once I've pulled my hair back into a bun or something, I have frizz and lumps. What I do is tie a black scarf (to match the color of my hair)around my head, and it looks just as neat and professional, too. Maybe you could try something similar while you're stretching.

 

[QUINN]

I'll tell my story. I was told that my everyday pony was not professional. I started flat ironing my hair everyday as that was the quickest easiest way to "do" my hair. I also relaxed more often. Both of these processes are killers for my hair. Long story short. My edges were breaking off. My crown broke off
and all the progress I made over a year was destroyed in the short span of three months. I also had no time for a real hair regime at this time. Now I am rocking the hell outta my ponytail and I am almost three months into my stretch. I get comments about how my hair looks all the time and if they persist after I give them "the look" I tell them I accept all donations. It pisses me off that people feel obligated to enlighten you about what is best for your hair when they are wearing short cuts w/ pieces and wigs. STFU and mind your own business.

My point is do what is best for you and your hair. Do what makes you happy because you have to live with it. Every time I look at my hair now, I wish I had kept my pony and buns because I have no doubt I would have made bra strap by now. Instead I am dealing with scraggly shoulder length and some deep recovery.

 

[naijamerican]

SerenityP, I admire you for taking what she said with humility, and I'm so glad for you that you have an ally in this process. My academic advisor is phenomenal (she is a Black woman, too) and I could imagine her doing the same for me. I do agree that you need to do what is best for you in the long run. If you want to keep stretching the relaxer, especially since you don't have too long to go, then you should do it, but if you agree with her and decide maybe to do it before then, that's okay, too. I do wonder if 19 more days would make that significant of a difference or if it's just the principle of feeling like you kowtowed to someone else's preferences.

Anyway, you're blessed to have someone looking out for you because the academy is deep, and I am so glad for you in that regard. I bet you anything that other staff/students were making snippy remarks. and she was the only one who cared enough to say anything to your face.