She is married, but doesn't have any money

[LiftedUp]

She has always been supported by her wealthy father, and I guess her husband picked up on this.

My friend's father has always told us, "never marry a man who is not accustomed to your type of lifestyle".

 

[Ivonnovi]

ETA: I just read through the thread..... some of the facts are clearer, but my advice is still the same. She has to put her inexpensive big girl pant's on and deal with it. Dude, wasn't ballin' when they got started.

This isn't even worth a thread , but I am just shocked. A friendd of mine confided in me that she is more broke now as a married woman, then she was as a single woman. They used all her savings to cover her sons medical bills and the husband works and goes to school. They are barely surviving and the husband has put the whole family on a very strict budget.
I am wondering how common her situation is.

OP, wow yes your girlfriend is stressed; that is common. Financial hardships are common too.

I wanted to comment on how IMHO, your use of the words Her and They, shows bias or where your loyalty lies; but I'll leave that alone.
​

It seems as though she's doing well to have a husband to help cover the household/contribute to the household while the medical expenses are covered. WHERE is the childs father, and does he contribute?

Perhaps the DH is looking at the big picture (5-yr plan?) and the DW is only looking at the immediate picture. I assume he is working full-time.

I hope the budget works for them. In the meanwhile just offer her understanding and support. Hopefully the increased income potentially gained once he finishes school will be worth the scrafice. When she get's upset (or wants to shop) she should give her healthy child a big hug and squeeze instead; that's where the $$ sacrifice was made.

 

[TamedTresses]

So her son's medical bills are actually her medical bills from when she had her son? And, the husband is not just "going to school" but working on a Ph.D that would be very beneficial to his family and their financial situation, correct? Plus, she knew he was an immigrant with no money when she married him, right? Oh, and after SHE went to Kenya to marry him she feels that he used her to come to the US? Didn't SHE go to Kenya and bring him to the US?

So what's the problem again? Sounds like she knew what she was getting herself into. The extra "tea" OP added later on in the thread just solidifies my opinion on this situation-that's-not-really-a-situation kinda situation.

 

[faithVA]

I knew there was more to the story. And there is even more to this story. We are slowly being led down the yellow brick road.

 

[thatscuteright]

So her son's medical bills are actually her medical bills from when she had her son? And, the husband is not just "going to school" but working on a Ph.D that would be very beneficial to his family and their financial situation, correct? Plus, she knew he was an immigrant with no money when she married him, right? Oh, and after SHE went to Kenya to marry him she feels that he used her to come to the US? Didn't SHE go to Kenya and bring him to the US?

So what's the problem again? Sounds like she knew what she was getting herself into. The extra "tea" OP added later on in the thread just solidifies my opinion on this situation-that's-not-really-a-situation kinda situation.

sorry for the confusion, "the son" is "their son". They married and had a baby.
She refers to him as "her son" so thats why I posted it likewise.
The husband is the father.

 

[thatscuteright]

I knew there was more to the story. And there is even more to this story. We are slowly being led down the yellow brick road.

its still unfolding for me.
She is visiting me and we have been catching up.

 

[whit923]

Without more background I can't suggest that he drop out of school. It sounds like she wants to go shopping and he put them on a budget. If all of their critical expenses are paid, then stick to the budget until you come out the other side. If his completing school will bring in more income, tighten your belt for the short term.

This. I would question what her definition of "broke" is as well. If their bills are paid, and there isn't much left over for fun money then that is the reality of their situation now, but like others have said if they on a strict budget it sounds like there is a plan in place to put them in a better financial situation in the future.

ETA: Just read the additional info. This is a non-issue. She knew what she signed up for.

 

[spelmanlocks]

I believe marriage is supposed to be for richer or for poorer. She could have married a rich man and he could lose it all. I've seen men and women laid off from six figure jobs when the economy tanked. Many marriages go through financial bumps and do fine. Sounds like he is working to fix the situation also, as he should be. Plus there is nothing wrong with being on a budget, better than digging a hole and ending up in massive credit card or consumer debt which is a trap.

 

[lux10023]

sounds like dude is broke?

watching every penny and not using his money--so he is in school

is she supporting dude? he didnt have money to begin with if she brought him over from his country

I didn't want to make her sound bad butL

1.) She went to Kenya and married her husband and brought him to the US

2.) She comes from a well to do family

3.) Husband did not have any savings or money and they were living off of her savings, and his school/teaching stipend

4.) Husband is resentful that she comes from money ( her words, not mine) hence the very strict budget.

5.) She thinks he used her to come to the US and is money being controlling.

6.) She is used to having nice things, enjoying life and having discretionary income. Husband is watching her and their money like a hawk. The money used to cover the sons medical bills came from her savings and none of his money were touched.

7.) The medical bills were from the hospital when she gave birth. The son is not sick, those were her hosipital and labor bills.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

thatscuteright

Your definition of having it together is very different from mine.

she has never really worked a real job to support herself. She has always been supported by her wealthy father

She was working, but for the sake of day care expenses and child rearing they decided that she would quit her job and stay at home for awhile. She got her Masters from a top Ivy league school, and he is now pursuing his PH.D. She put her education on hold so that they could move for his schooling ( she got accepted into a PH.D program too ) Honestly she has never really worked a real job to support herself. She has always been supported by her wealthy father, and I guess her husband picked up on this. I was just shocked to hear her story as she has always been the one that had it together .

 

[FelaShrine]

I didn't want to make her sound bad butL

1.) She went to Kenya and married her husband and brought him to the US

2.) She comes from a well to do family

3.) Husband did not have any savings or money and they were living off of her savings, and his school/teaching stipend

4.) Husband is resentful that she comes from money ( her words, not mine) hence the very strict budget.

5.) She thinks he used her to come to the US and is money being controlling.

6.) She is used to having nice things, enjoying life and having discretionary income. Husband is watching her and their money like a hawk. The money used to cover the sons medical bills came from her savings and none of his money were touched.

7.) The medical bills were from the hospital when she gave birth. The son is not sick, those were her hosipital and labor bills.

SHE WENT HOME to get a husband and brought him here..now she's talking about how he used her to come to the US? She needs to keep her nonsense to herself cos she sounds foolish.

if he was gallivanting around spending her money then i'd get it. he's in a teaching program..getting a stipend.if i remember correctly judith is in the same situation, was the same for my parents and hard as it may be they are making it work cos well that's how marriage works and normally the sacrifices you start with work in your favor in the end.

if she's from money, instead of whining to you perhaps she should be talking to her monied parents to help tide them over

did she really think she could bring someone here from another country and he'd be a mogul or something. abeg she should have done her search here then.

 

[okange76]

She should never have married him. IME, many Kenyan men cannot handle women who come from money or who are super successful unless they grew up in the same circles or they are succesful themselves. The peer pressure is off the chain. Even after he gets a job, she will be on a budget. He will "compete" with her father which is silly seeing as Daddy has had a pretty good head start.

Having a successful father will be his "crutch" against her. I know someone who did pretty well and his only daughter was treated like crap. She is pretty down to earth and simple. Her siblings were raised the same way. If you met her you wouldn't know until you ask her where she lived and the schools she went to. It was raining heavily one day and her dad sent a driver to pick her up from college driving a serious BMW. The backlash was astronomical. She lost a lot of female friends and all the guys who ignored her suddenly wanted to date/hump her. Pure foolishness.

This has affected her very negatively in that she's a major introvert cum people pleaser and is afraid to rock the boat. She down plays her success all the time and hides her affluent background to fit in. She really is a very beautiful woman but doesn't believe so either. She's in her mid 30s. Her Daddy is still balling 20 yrs later so, OP your friend's hubby needs to chill and chart his own course. Competing with the old cats who've been in the game a long time, is a waste of time.

 

[MizAvalon]

She will be ok.

 

[LiftedUp]

if she's from money, instead of whining to you perhaps she should be talking to her monied parents to help tide them over

She has a husband. Why should her parents help tide them over? That's her husband's job. It seems to me as though her husband is unable to afford to help his family or wants her to struggle.

 

[hopeful]

Oh pshhh... they'll be aight.

Exactly lol they'll be okay

She will be ok.

I agree. She has a healthy baby, a husband, has a master's degree from an Ivy, accepted into a Ph.D program, dh is pursuing his Ph.D, her family is wealthy, and we are worried why? Unless there is still something else missing which would not be surprising as that is how these threads go, she is good. Most couples hit rough spots financially, many couples disagree about finances from time to time. They have time to work out the kinks. She just needs to chill, learn a little patience, mature, and quit complaining. If he's a decent guy he will work with her on the budgeting etc. It's not his way or the highway.

 

[LiftedUp]

I know someone who did pretty well and his only daughter was treated like crap.

I didn't want to say that I know someone who was in this situation because I feel as though I always know someone with a similar experience in these threads lol.

But this happened to the daughter of a close family friend. He was from a poor background and she was from an affluent. They both met at university and she never wanted for anything. Her parents sent her abroad to a prestigious university for grad school and he went to work. They got married as soon as she graduated so she never had a "real job" until then.

Her parents threw them a lavish wedding and as a wedding gift, bought them their first house. Well old boy decided that he wanted to go abroad to study too and applied for schools. He was accepted and wanted to take no pay leave from his job and go to graduate school while she worked and supported them and I suppose pinch pennies at that.

Well her father wasn't having any of that! How dare you leave their newlywed daughter while you go chase after your dreams and expect her to work and be the breadwinner. You're a man with a wife, you have a different type of responsibility now. No one is saying not to go back to school but as a man your family should not be struggling while you do so.

Anyway, they divorced and she remarried. I don't know where he ended up. He didn't get a dime because they weren't married that long. Her new husband ran in the same circles that she did so they're good.

 

[Farida]

If he is getting his PhD he doesn't need her for his papers. He can get an F-1 to study or a J-1 visa if he wants the ability to work. Once he graduates I am sure the school would be willing to petition and give him an H-1B and eventually as a person with such an advanced degree he can get a green card based on that.

Even still, most people who use others for papers don't have kids with their meal ticket. Trust me, I have been in the immigration business and specifically marriage-based for a long time. There are a few outliers but the patterns are typical.

Sounds to me like she is used to a certain lifestyle. I was a PhD student and my stipend was peanuts. I cannot imagine supporting an entire family on that. I had to be on a very strict budget.

She needs to grow up and suck it up. If she wanted a different lifestyle she should have not married him. Plus this is a short term affair. Once he graduates and works full time things will improve.

It is also difficult to marry a person who grew up with money when you did not and have none. Their mentality can be very annoying and some rich families can be very condescending. They may not understand the idea of building your own wealth and living within your means rather than relying on the family.

 

[FelaShrine]

She has a husband. Why should her parents help tide them over? That's her husband's job. It seems to me as though her husband is unable to afford to help his family or wants her to struggle.

Cultural differences. It takes a village esp when the other is bettering himself via education.

She needs to grow up and suck it up. If she wanted a different lifestyle she should have not married him. Plus this is a short term affair. Once he graduates and works full time things will improve.
.

Exactly. Now if things dont change after he's done..then her problem with it will make sense to me.

 

[IslandMummy]

She has a husband. Why should her parents help tide them over? That's her husband's job. It seems to me as though her husband is unable to afford to help his family or wants her to struggle.

If my daughter was a stay at home mother and my son in law in a phd program I would have no problem extending a hand. Jamaican parents don't stop helping their children just because they're married.

Your friend will be fine OP she just needs to temper her expectations until this PhD program is complete and they can come off the budget.

 

[Mariaat40]

Assuming they have a strong marriage they'll be fine. We were very tight when my husband was in graduate school. (He also has a PhD.) We had to make sacrifices. I worked full time. He worked very part time. It was just for a season. We now live a very comfortable lifestyle and I work because I choose to work.

 

[janiebaby]

I went from being riled up but trying not to judge to feeling sad and understanding to being riled up again smdh

 

[HanaKuroi]

She sounds like a spoiled and silly little girl. This is temporary. Sheesh.

I can't see any mentions on my IPhone. PM me if it is a must see. Allons y

 

[huxtable]

I'm guessing he wanted her not have a baby until he had finished his studies, but she just had to have one and that is why the hospital bills are coming out of her savings. Just my guess.