Sexually Active Christian Singles

[SvelteVelvet]

Such a balanced viewpoint! Thanks again for your input!

I'm abstaining and I feel lots of pressure. I have felt the pressure since high school. I went to an HBCU for college so I had a very large dating pool and trust, there was pressure all around. I've never met anyone who said abstaining was easy, especially if they are young and experiencing the fight right now. I almost wanna get offended by the statement, but I'm not lol.

I have heard ALL KINDS of nonsense from many different kinds of men. Its almost funny to me now, but really, its a frustrating situation to be in, for anyone.

I am close with many women who are abstaining... some were formerly sexually active some weren't. Some have never even kissed a guy, some have done pretty much anything but. I have respect for all of them. I think that if you have really experienced how difficult it can be, its hard for you to judge anyone, because I know personally, the only way I could have made it this far is by grace. And I don't even think I've done all that well really. I also don't think that not having had sex makes it any easier or more difficult to abstain, however I do sometimes get the sense that sometimes those who have led promiscuous lives prior but now choose to abstain overcompensate because they feel like they have something to prove. I've seen it happen a lot.

It gets on my nerves sometimes when older people tell younger people to do something that they themselves were unable to do, but I understand the reason why they do it. I'm a pastor's daughter, so I'm under a lot of pressure to uphold the standard, be a good role model yada yada. It's difficult. But that's a looooong story for another day.

 

[Renewed1]

I've been abstinent for several years now. It's difficult, yes, but it is a mind thing. I tell my body, no, I'm waiting for my husband.

It depends on the person. Good discussion

 

[OhmyKimB]

I'll be back also

 

[cocoberry10]

I'm abstaining and I feel lots of pressure. I have felt the pressure since high school. I went to an HBCU for college so I had a very large dating pool and trust, there was pressure all around. I've never met anyone who said abstaining was easy, especially if they are young and experiencing the fight right now. I almost wanna get offended by the statement, but I'm not lol.

I have heard ALL KINDS of nonsense from many different kinds of men. Its almost funny to me now, but really, its a frustrating situation to be in, for anyone.

I am close with many women who are abstaining... some were formerly sexually active some weren't. Some have never even kissed a guy, some have done pretty much anything but. I have respect for all of them. I think that if you have really experienced how difficult it can be, its hard for you to judge anyone, because I know personally, the only way I could have made it this far is by grace. And I don't even think I've done all that well really. I also don't think that not having had sex makes it any easier or more difficult to abstain, however I do sometimes get the sense that sometimes those who have led promiscuous lives prior but now choose to abstain overcompensate because they feel like they have something to prove. I've seen it happen a lot.

It gets on my nerves sometimes when older people tell younger people to do something that they themselves were unable to do, but I understand the reason why they do it. I'm a pastor's daughter, so I'm under a lot of pressure to uphold the standard, be a good role model yada yada. It's difficult. But that's a looooong story for another day.

You sound just like me. It's VERY HARD to abstain, especially when you meet someone you REALLY LIKE. It's not natural in any way, shape or form! Grace is good!

 

[cocoberry10]

True - I believe that it has always happened but in present times it is getting publicized whereas in the past it was a dirty secret and the pastor was more "protected" from scandal.

I don't know though. If I found out that my pastor was openly a cheater/fornicator/insert your favorite sinner here, I think I would leave, rather than take his behavior as justification for my own wrongdoing.

I beleive that I'll be held accountable for doing the right thing, as will he.

I agree with this. And Bianaelyse, I wasn't even really referring to married pastors (although Lord knows a whole lot of them are a mess too).

I was actually referring to a lot of these younger, up and coming pastors in their 20's and 30's who aren't married, but acting like they are still living in the frat house!

I hope that clarifies

 

[cocoberry10]

I also wanted to add this. Sexual abstinence is in my opinion, God's perfect will. But I am not confused about things. Just because I abstain doesn't mean I won't go through hell as a married woman.

Nothing in life is guaranteed.

I remember reading an article (I think it was in Ebony magazine). Anyway, there was this beautiful woman in her 50's. She was HIV positive. She contracted it from her husband, and she was a virgin when they married. He was the first and only man she had sex with

She took care of him until he died. That story was mind-blowing for me, but a reminder of the fact that no matter which direction you go in, nothing in life is perfect

 

[cocoberry10]

She is actually very career oriented and at 26 has 2 degrees and a good job in her field. I don't think she is hearing her clock tick but it is discouraging when so many of the men she meets in the church are expecting to sample the goods and not respecting her decision. It's like being in a class and everyone is cheating on the test but you. Not a good feeling.

I agree with this and know this feeling all too well. All you can tell her is that she's not the only one out there. After a certain age, people tend to be very guarded about sharing something like this, for fear of ridicule or for those who have no business in their "goody bits" trying to break them. Pray for her to meet other celibates who she can connect with and go through the struggle with. Also, pray that God will keep her. I truly believe that's the only thing we can do!

I believe that when you connect with God in that way, many wonderful things can happen.

 

[Raspberry]

It's really not difficult to be abstinent. I am and most of my friends are. The one who isn't is also struggling with her faith right now. It's easy to not have sex when you don't put yourself in the position for it to happen. Sex has serious physical, emotionally and spiritual ramifications. God's word is living and breathing but from the old covenant to the new covenant He remains consistent about fornication.

I agree.. plus the longer I go without sex the harder it is for me to even come close to it. Sex really is a big deal and we see the negative consequences of it every day.. Having sex is actually impractical and risky for a person's emotional and physical well-being like 75% of the time in a non-marital situation.

For example, say I think a dude is sexy and I want to try him out - it's too much involved that. I can hardly believe I was sexually active in the past sometimes. STD history, condoms, BC, relationship status, negotiating sexual terms - FWB, ohh I think he likes me or I like him, omg I might be pregnant.. it's a lot of stress for a short sexual release IMO. My mind was clouded back then and I glossed over a lot to make sex an idol.

The key for me is to avoid getting my feelings involved or nurturing lust with a man I'm not married too - it's actually quite easy to keep a healthy distance with practice, the boundary becomes very clear.

 

[LadieCrn]

We all sin. There is no sin that is greater or lesser than another. If you aren't having sex, you ARE doing something else that is considered a sin. At the end of the day Jesus came to save the sinners right And there is NO righteous man/woman other than him. Each person has to know their own relationship with God. Every move I make, every breath I take I know God is with me. I have been blessed at every turn. My SO other and I have been together 4 1/2 years, we have a 2 year old son and have known each other since HS. My son was a blessing and I recall praying each and every night for him (blessings of a first born son, health, good character, faithfulness to the lord, charm, and a host of other things) and to my knowledge and through my belief every single one has been fulfilled. I truly believe that no matter what your "sin" is God searches what is in your heart because none of us can be blameless without Jesus.
This is a good topic. I think the situation varies from person to person and we all must know what can/will test our relationship with God.

 

[Raspberry]

You sound just like me. It's VERY HARD to abstain, especially when you meet someone you REALLY LIKE. It's not natural in any way, shape or form! Grace is good!

I hear you - I rarely meet men that I'm feeling on an intense level so I don't have much temptation. I felt isolated socially for a long time after I got serious about my faith, but I'm seeing now that God needed me to be alone for a minute without distractions so I could purge myself of past mindsets. Now when I get tempted by some sexy dude sex seems like a good idea for a sec but then I just get this feeling of pursuing it being "less than"..can't really explain it.

I like someone now but he is very committed to his faith so the temptation isn't the same tho I'm def. physically attracted.

 

[Raspberry]

We all sin. There is no sin that is greater or lesser than another. If you aren't having sex, you ARE doing something else that is considered a sin. At the end of the day Jesus came to save the sinners right And there is NO righteous man/woman other than him. Each person has to know their own relationship with God. Every move I make, every breath I take I know God is with me. I have been blessed at every turn. My SO other and I have been together 4 1/2 years, we have a 2 year old son and have known each other since HS. My son was a blessing and I recall praying each and every night for him (blessings of a first born son, health, good character, faithfulness to the lord, charm, and a host of other things) and to my knowledge and through my belief every single one has been fulfilled. I truly believe that no matter what your "sin" is God searches what is in your heart because none of us can be blameless without Jesus.

I agree with you that righteousness only comes thru Christ but I disagree that all sins are equal - that actually isn't biblical. Sexual immorality is stated as the only sin one commits against his/her own body...which I've always found to be a thought provoking statement, but that's for another thread I suppose.

 

[Ramya]

I hear you - I rarely meet men that I'm feeling on an intense level so I don't have much temptation. I felt isolated socially for a long time after I got serious about my faith, but I'm seeing now that God needed me to be alone for a minute without distractions so I could purge myself of past mindsets. Now when I get tempted by some sexy dude sex seems like a good idea for a sec but then I just get this feeling of pursuing it being "less than"..can't really explain it.

I like someone now but he is very committed to his faith so the temptation isn't the same tho I'm def. physically attracted.

It worked out the same way for me. I was isolated and for good reason but then the light bulb went off so to speak. I needed to get my mind right. It really is a mental thing moreso than a physical. Physically when my body is ovulating I do find men MORE desirable than usual but at this point I know when that's coming.

I am getting to know someone right now. I am physically attracted to him but it's different. He is so into his faith and that makes him sexier . The thing is I might think about sex every now and again but I'm never in the situation to HAVE sex. He would never put me in that situation and I would never put him in that situation.

The whole point of me abstaining is to not make a covenant or soul tie with a man that is not my husband. I want God's best and perfect will for my life. I can wait. I guess I don't feel pressure because I don't subscribe to the theory that I am missing some great forbidden sin. I'm not missing anything.

 

[Raspberry]

It worked out the same way for me. I was isolated and for good reason but then the light bulb went off so to speak. I needed to get my mind right. It really is a mental thing moreso than a physical. Physically when my body is ovulating I do find men MORE desirable than usual but at this point I know when that's coming.

It's so crazy that when I was into casual dating I had guys coming out the woodwork but when I got serious about God that all dried up like the Sahara. It's taking me a while to learn that everything is indeed a choice, nobody has to be ruled by urges. Um yea, I definitely know when I'm ovulating too lol, but true it helps when you know it's coming.

I am getting to know someone right now. I am physically attracted to him but it's different. He is so into his faith and that makes him sexier . The thing is I might think about sex every now and again but I'm never in the situation to HAVE sex. He would never put me in that situation and I would never put him in that situation.

I thought I was really weird at first to find a man worshiping and praying sexy - but there really is nothing like seeing a man open to heart transformation.

 

[Everything Zen]

As a recovering Christian, I am a virgin dating a much older man who has been celibate the last 7 years. It has been such a blessing that he hasn't pressured me and has even at one point said that I am not ready to give him myself like that. While I do believe in the beauty of waiting until marriage- mine is a pool of sour grapes bc I am healing from the scars of childhood sexual abuse so it's not really a temptation- I don't even want to be touched. So I wrestle with being healthy enough to have sex with my husband one day. I hope and pray that he is the one- like others have said I rarely find a spark in a man that could even lead to sexual attraction and dating period and I could care less about "going out" and "clubbing". I'm an overachieving 27 year old with 2 degrees, 2 music projects and going back into a PhD program.

 

[JadeFox]

Great topic and great responses!

 

[kayte]

it used to be a stigma to abstain...
lately it seems to become more and more revolutionary to claim abstinence and as well popularized..and accepted.... the Jonas brothers.....Courtney Vance and I forget his wife's name "famous black actress" abstained together during their courtship and engagement.....there are others
I mention Holly wood because there's kind of a cult acceptance of
a full range of various sex activtiy..ie: casual / exchange of partners/promiscuity....which previously precluded conscious active abstince as part of that spectrum.

That's not the reason to do it of course...but it speaks to a widening desire to
honor sex as the beautiful loving gift God intended solely between a married couple.
Personally yes...I abstain also.....but..
I had to be brought to a place of great pain and humility before coming to that decison and now I feel freeer with men knowing that boundary is in place and I feel my body is more precious than ever ..and that this act is sacred.. beautiful with one man only and that will be my husband

No man gets invited to my apartment!!!! I don't set myself up anymore
which I used to do....it'd be like....well.....itll be a coin toss.
and,Lord..I'm rolling the dice on your behalf...but as my intentions are good ...
what else matters...You'll understand,won't you God?
and guess what? it was a two headed losing coin...
so I am careful about that when I was so much more laissez faire...
cas I know...left to my own devices

really today..I am so much more interested in seeing who is going to emerge
as my best best friend...and that anyone I would consider seriously will feel the
same..that I am to be cherished..that includes my boundaries...
or he is not for me anyways... and gets screened out...
or screens himself out.
The bible says a man is to love his wife as loves his own body..
as he loves Christ.the church. is holy ground he walks on
in keeping this in his heart...when in serious relationship with me
That's the man for me~~

I certainly do not think judge one's Christianity or non Christian
who chosen a diffferent path in their private decisions on this....
I do not judge on that.. not at all..

However, I do know A LOT of my female friends and contemporaries have made the same decision, and that is...

Nothin doin til we say...I do...
and thank God for likeminded men

 

[msa]

No man gets invited to my apartment!!!! I don't set myself up anymore
which I used to do....it'd be like....well.....itll be a coin toss.
and,Lord..I'm rolling the dice on your behalf...but as my intentions are good ...
what else matters...You'll understand,won't you God?
and guess what? it was a two headed losing coin...
so I am careful about that when I was so much more laissez faire...
cas I know...left to my own devices

You and Ramya (and others) have mentioned this. I think that avoiding certain situations makes it easy. Sex is a battle for me too and by the time I decided to abstinent I'd been having sex for several years (I'm only 23 now so you can imagine how young I started). But I have learned to approach it in a different way because left up to me, I'd keep rolling the dice and losing.

It's like this, when I'm trying to eat healthy I don't buy ice cream from the grocery store. Why have it in my freezer if I can't eat it? When I see a Coldstone I put my head down and walk on by, I don't get in for a sample.

As it says, we're supposed to flee from sin. And that's a lot easier than people like to make it out to be. If you have to stop talking to all men that are not family members, so be it. Do what you have to do.

Anyway OP, tell her to stick her beliefs. Compromising them will compromise how she feels about herself. And you're right, maybe she needs to change her environment or find a church home that is truly committed to teaching the women and men to be abstinent, that way she can be around like minded people.

 

[Renewed1]

I agree MSA. You have to avoid sexual temptations, you have to watch what you listen to and what you watch. I'm even at a point that I refuse to date. I will only consider a serious courtship with a Christian man that understands that pre-martial sex is not a option. As you can imagine, I don't date very often. LOL!!

Only the grace of God keeps me from having sex, because believe me.......I WANT TO!!

But when I start to think about the potential pitfalls, STDs, unwanted pregnancies, soul ties, etc. It dries me up like a well! It's not worth it for (depending on the guy) 5 minutes of pleasure.

I know quite a few women who are practicing abstinence I haven't met any guys yet. I think movies, television, music has done such a sex overkill with putting it everywhere that we watch and listen to, that I think it may be turning people off.

 

[msa]

I agree MSA. You have to avoid sexual temptations, you have to watch what you listen to and what you watch.

The bold is soooooooooo important.

You can't be abstinent if you're not abstinent in MIND, BODY, and SPIRIT.

Of course you're going to be tempted and fall if you're listening R.Kelly and Pretty Ricky all day. Of course you're going to yearn for a man if all you watch is shows like the Bachelor or Sex and the City. And if all you read is Zane, then yeah, of course sex is gonna be on your mind.

If this is truly your battle, then you need to start acting like this is fight for you life, because it is. You may not have invited that man back to your place, but you are sowing seeds in your mind by listening/watching/reading certain things that your body is going to want to act on.

 

[Ramya]

The bold is soooooooooo important.

You can't be abstinent if you're not abstinent in MIND, BODY, and SPIRIT.

Of course you're going to be tempted and fall if you're listening R.Kelly and Pretty Ricky all day. Of course you're going to yearn for a man if all you watch is shows like the Bachelor or Sex and the City. And if all you read is Zane, then yeah, of course sex is gonna be on your mind.

If this is truly your battle, then you need to start acting like this is fight for you life, because it is. You may not have invited that man back to your place, but you are sowing seeds in your mind by listening/watching/reading certain things that your body is going to want to act on.

ITA. I guard my mind, ears and eyes. I don't let my mind wander either. So no fantasizing over here. It is a battle for your life! I believe that you don't act on something that you haven't first spent time thinking about. It requires some purpose. I'm celibate on purpose. It is not a punishment. I really wish people would stop treating it as if it is.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Another single Christian abstaining from sex here...

Heck, I am not even kissing until I reach the altar. I know at least 4 couples who have done it that range from ages 24 to 40. Its very possible and completely doable. With understanding of your decision to remain pure, you understand that your sacrifice will be well worth it.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

It's so crazy that when I was into casual dating I had guys coming out the woodwork but when I got serious about God that all dried up like the Sahara. It's taking me a while to learn that everything is indeed a choice, nobody has to be ruled by urges. Um yea, I definitely know when I'm ovulating too lol, but true it helps when you know it's coming.

I was just telling my sister about this (she's starting to get serious about her faith). The moment I got serious, the well dried up quick. I have NEVER been at a place where there wasnt at least one candidate pursuing. Now its just me and Jesus on a Friday night and I am completely content with that. Its so true, if you attract bad guys, its probably you not them.

 

[aribell]

Is this notion contradictory? I think it reflects where people are spiritually.
Under what circumstances is it acceptable (to you) to engage in premarital sex? Honeymoon and forever after

Do you consider it a sin? Yes, within a Christian framework.

Is abstinance too lofty a goal in 2009? Not at all. But, as with all personal convictions, you have to be 150% committed to it, you can't depend on your friends, family, church members, etc. to share those convictions or even support you in holding fast to them. In fact, many people will be (inwardly) happy to see you compromise your convictions so they can justify what they do by saying, "See, everyone sins, so I'm not that bad."

But that said, there are definitely Christian men holding out, too. Abstinence does not condemn you to a lifetime of loneliness by any means.

Let's discuss.

Now when I get tempted by some sexy dude sex seems like a good idea for a sec but then I just get this feeling of pursuing it being "less than"..can't really explain it.

If by "less than" you mean "not quite worth it," ITA, and I think that's the key. It's not that if you abstain, you must not enjoy/care about sex all that much, it's just that you can begin to care about other things more than sex so the cost-benefit analysis doesn't end up working out. For a lot of people, it is their personal faith. I think you really have to examine what is important to you and what you really believe in and make a conscious decision to stick to that.

 

[biancaelyse]

This has been a great thread and I appreciate all the responses. I'll continue to encourage my niece. She has me and several others in the family that abstained until marriage but there are definitely apects of this journey that you have to go through alone and that IMO is what draws you closer to God.

 

[LadieCrn]

I agree with you that righteousness only comes thru Christ but I disagree that all sins are equal - that actually isn't biblical. Sexual immorality is stated as the only sin one commits against his/her own body...which I've always found to be a thought provoking statement, but that's for another thread I suppose.

true enough. what I meant by sins being equal is it doesn’t matter if a person commits one small sin or several huge ones. The result is the same, the person is guilty of breaking God’s law.

 

[Farida]

If by "less than" you mean "not quite worth it," ITA, and I think that's the key. It's not that if you abstain, you must not enjoy/care about sex all that much, it's just that you can begin to care about other things more than sex so the cost-benefit analysis doesn't end up working out. For a lot of people, it is their personal faith. I think you really have to examine what is important to you and what you really believe in and make a conscious decision to stick to that.

I really hate when men think you wanting to abstain is because you don't know how good sex is. Or you haven't met the right man.

I have some friends who are abstinent. One couple is not religious at all, and it was the woman's choice and the man respected it.

The second is a guy and he is very religious.

 

[Ramya]

I really hate when men think you wanting to abstain is because you don't know how good sex is. Or you haven't met the right man.

I have some friends who are abstinent. One couple is not religious at all, and it was the woman's choice and the man respected it.

The second is a guy and he is very religious.

The bold is a huge red flag to me. I stay far FAR away from men like that.

 

[momi]

I believe there is a difference between sexual sin and other sins.

According to 1 Corinthians 6 - all other sins are outside the body, but sexual sins defile the body (and therefore the soul and spirit).

I have found this information helfpul: taken from here

Sex sin defiles your body and damages its ability to fulfill God's purposes. Sex sin is unique in that we commit it against our own bodies (1 Corinthians 6:17). Our bodies function as temples of God's Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:12-20). When we use our body for sex sin, we dishonor our body and defile God's temple. We're also defiling the people that we are sinning with. Our lack of respect for the body (and for God) damages our relationship with God.

Sex sin grieves God's Spirit. Any sin we practice will grieve God's Spirit (Ephesians 4:31). It puts out the "fire" of the Holy Spirit in our life (1 Thessalonians 5:19). The more we quench God's Spirit, the less we will be inclined to live a changed life in righteousness.

 

[kandake]

A bit OT:

So I needed to do a search on the idea of no sin being greater than the other because I didn't know that it wasn't biblical.

I put that statement into parenthesis. The first entry in my google search was this thread.

 

[biancaelyse]

The question was asked in the other thread about whether or not God could bless a union if the couple had pre-marital sex. IMO, it is still possible for God to bless your union if at some point you repent and ask forgiveness with sincerity. More importantly though, we should not be looking for loop holes or justifications to actively do wrong. Especially pre-meditating wrong doing. It corrupts the mind. Sins that we commit separate us from God and that is never a good thing.