Sexually Active Christian Singles

[biancaelyse]

I have a lot of questions on this based upon some of the posts in another thread plus my discussion with my niece in her 20s who is a Christian and still a virgin. Most of the single Christian men she meets are sexually active and can't believe she is not. Very hard for her.

Is this notion contradictory? Under what circumstances is it acceptable (to you) to engage in premarital sex? Do you consider it a sin? Is abstinance too lofty a goal in 2009?

Let's discuss.

 

[Farida]

It is contradictory. It just that our society has made it "okay." People in their minds have a hierachy of sins, and many have made premarital sex equivalent to a white lie.

Abstinence is difficult in 2009 but not impossible. The problem is social and cultural pressure. Everything screams sex. When I was a teen, on teen TV shows it was a big deal to have sex. I look at teen shows today and it is the norm - people sleeping around, mothers and daughters having sex with the same guy...whatever happened to just making out? lol.

I say, it is best for couples to stay as hands off as they possibly can. If not till marriage, at least the point of being engaged - just to keep clarity about who they are dating, how they really feel about each other without sex and consequences muddling everything up.

It is also very important to stay true to one's personal beliefs. Your niece shouldn't compromise her beliefs because she will lose respect for the man, and loose a piece of herself (in terms of her principles, I don't think being a non-virgin makes her less of a person).

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

"Devote" Christian hypocrites that like to chuck bibles and scream damnation to others yet have premartial sex, lie, cheat, steal and have 2-3 different baby daddies and make me laugh (I've met too many that fall under one or all of the categories).

 

[SugarBaby]

You gonna ruffles some feathers with this....

 

[kandake]

"Devote" Christian hypocrites that like to chuck bibles and scream damnation to others yet have premartial sex, lie, cheat, steal and have 2-3 different baby daddies and make me laugh (I've met too many that fall under one or all of the categories).

Are you a Christian?

 

[Ramya]

Yes it's very contradictory. Premarital sex is never OK and will always be a sin. The Word is very clear on this. I know quite a few abstinent Christian young adults.

 

[SugarBaby]

It is contradictory. It just that our society has made it "okay." People in their minds have a hierachy of sins, and many have made premarital sex equivalent to a white lie.

Abstinence is difficult in 2009 but not impossible. The problem is social and cultural pressure. Everything screams sex. When I was a teen, on teen TV shows it was a big deal to have sex. I look at teen shows today and it is the norm - people sleeping around, mothers and daughters having sex with the same guy...whatever happened to just making out? lol.

I say, it is best for couples to stay as hands off as they possibly can. If not till marriage, at least the point of being engaged - just to keep clarity about who they are dating, how they really feel about each other without sex and consequences muddling everything up.

It is also very important to stay true to one's personal beliefs. Your niece shouldn't compromise her beliefs because she will lose respect for the man, and loose a piece of herself (in terms of her principles, I don't think being a non-virgin makes her less of a person).

There is that word again "possible".

Yes, like many have corrected me, anything is possible (agreed); However, is it likely, or probable,practical or doable...

I don't think so.

ETA:

So if you (general) is sexually active can you still call yourself Christian?

That would mean EVRRYBODY in the Church is celibate other than the married people...again, it is possible, BUT not likely, probable, practical or doable(to me).. (again my opinion)

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

Are you a Christian?

Raised Catholic, open-minded to other religions.

 

[Ramya]

It's really not difficult to be abstinent. I am and most of my friends are. The one who isn't is also struggling with her faith right now. It's easy to not have sex when you don't put yourself in the position for it to happen. Sex has serious physical, emotionally and spiritual ramifications. God's word is living and breathing but from the old covenant to the new covenant He remains consistent about fornication.

 

[SugarBaby]

It's really not difficult to be abstinent. I am and most of my friends are. The one who isn't is also struggling with her faith right now. It's easy to not have sex when you don't put yourself in the position for it to happen. Sex has serious physical, emotionally and spiritual ramifications. God's word is living and breathing but from the old covenant to the new covenant He remains consistent about fornication.

I appreciate your honesty, May I ask, How many friends would you say this includes? If it is too personal, I understand, Would you be willing to tell your age?

 

[Ramya]

I appreciate your honesty, May I ask, How many friends would you say this includes? If it is too personal, I understand, Would you be willing to tell your age?

I am 21. There are about 10 that I am close with. 6 women from 21-24 and 4 men 21-26. We all made the decision to abstain after being sexually active. Which makes it much more 'difficult' for us. I've been abstaining for 2 and a half year.

 

[SugarBaby]

I am 21. There are about 10 that I am close with. 6 women from 21-24 and 4 men 21-26. We all made the decision to abstain after being sexually active. Which makes it much more 'difficult' for us. I've been abstaining for 2 and a half year.

Thanks for your honesty to my prying questions.

Look into your crystal ball for a second...Lets say you do not get married, could you remain celibate your whole life?

 

[Ramya]

Thanks for your honesty to my prying questions.

Look into your crystal ball for a second...Lets say you do not get married, could you remain celibate your whole life?

Yes. Only because I understand the spiritual side effects of premarital sex. But I also believe that I will be married one day.

 

[biancaelyse]

It is contradictory. It just that our society has made it "okay." People in their minds have a hierachy of sins, and many have made premarital sex equivalent to a white lie.

Abstinence is difficult in 2009 but not impossible. The problem is social and cultural pressure. Everything screams sex. When I was a teen, on teen TV shows it was a big deal to have sex. I look at teen shows today and it is the norm - people sleeping around, mothers and daughters having sex with the same guy...whatever happened to just making out? lol.

I say, it is best for couples to stay as hands off as they possibly can. If not till marriage, at least the point of being engaged - just to keep clarity about who they are dating, how they really feel about each other without sex and consequences muddling everything up.

It is also very important to stay true to one's personal beliefs. Your niece shouldn't compromise her beliefs because she will lose respect for the man, and loose a piece of herself (in terms of her principles, I don't think being a non-virgin makes her less of a person).

I agree with this. I am about 13 years older than my niece and I can relate to the same issues she faces today - meeting single Christian young men that profess their faith, are active in the church but sexually active. I agree that it's often dismissed as a "lesser sin" so it's almost an expectation that ppl are doing it, especially the single men in the church.

I guess the biggest change now is that it's even more acceptable for Christians to have pre-marital sex and live together than it was in the past.

I'm encouraging my niece to not be discouraged or fel that she needs to compromise to get or keep a good man. Many of the men having pre-marital sex in the church are hypocritical anyway - they want to do their thing and then turn around and marry someone that is virginal or has been abstaining for a while.

 

[cocoberry10]

I have a lot of questions on this based upon some of the posts in another thread plus my discussion with my niece in her 20s who is a Christian and still a virgin. Most of the single Christian men she meets are sexually active and can't believe she is not. Very hard for her.

Is this notion contradictory? Under what circumstances is it acceptable (to you) to engage in premarital sex? Do you consider it a sin? Is abstinance too lofty a goal in 2009?

Let's discuss.

There are many Christian singles who are celibate. However, there are many Christian singles who are NOT celibate.

I think the majority of people in the church are NOT celibate, but I think many are celibate.

 

[cocoberry10]

I agree with this. I am about 13 years older than my niece and I can relate to the same issues she faces today - meeting single Christian young men that profess their faith, are active in the church but sexually active. I agree that it's often dismissed as a "lesser sin" so it's almost an expectation that ppl are doing it.

I guess the biggest change now is that it's even more acceptable for Christians to have pre-marital sex and live together than it was in the past.

Also Bianaelyse, it's difficult when you go to a church where even the pastor is "getting his freak on"

And that's happening A LOT!

 

[kandake]

Raised Catholic, open-minded to other religions.

Oh ok.

It's really not difficult to be abstinent. I am and most of my friends are. The one who isn't is also struggling with her faith right now. It's easy to not have sex when you don't put yourself in the position for it to happen. Sex has serious physical, emotionally and spiritual ramifications. God's word is living and breathing but from the old covenant to the new covenant He remains consistent about fornication.

Its easy for you because its not your battle. Not your struggle.

Yes God's word speaks against fornication/pre-marital sex. But, it also speaks about our sins and how we all fall short of his will. Did not Christ die on the cross for our sins. God knew that we were going to sin at some point. If not, he wouldn't have sacrificed his son.

With that said. Yes premarital sex is a sin and should be reserved for marriage. Is it contradictory/hypocritical for Christians to fornicate? On the surface yes. But the life of Christianity is not so black and white. None of us are perfect. I believe most of us have to battle our flesh on some level EVERYDAY, whether it be sex or anything else that is not of God. Even Paul wrote about it "when I would do good, evil is present with me"


Is there ever a time when it would be acceptable? According to God's word, no. Is it too lofty of an idea in this day and age. No. But for those who choose to do so. It may be a very difficult thing to do.

 

[SvelteVelvet]

There is definately an imbalance of abstaining being preached to Christian women moreso than it is being preached to Christian men...so many preachers got they're own mess that they are dealing with, extra-marital affairs with women within the church, etc etc. I'd be hard pressed to find a preacher that preaches celibacy to men seriously within the African-American community. Even the majority of older Christian women are speaking from 'lesson learned' experiences where they've been their yet preach to the youngins to wait, and OBVIOUSLY their advice should be golden most especially since they've been there, but then you'll have young women who take it as hypocrisy and act against it.

You should prepare her for the reality that she may not find a man that does not want to pressure her for sex at her age and prepare her for the fact that the chance of her finding a man who is a virgin waiting for sex will continue to dwindle. If you could encourage her to adopt the mindset that at her age she should be pursuing her goals in life instead of worrying about finding a man that isn't going to pressure her for sex, that would be great. This shouldn't be that big of a 'discouragement' for her at this age...unless she's 'struggling' with this on her own account..which is also possible.

 

[biancaelyse]

Also Bianaelyse, it's difficult when you go to a church where even the pastor is "getting his freak on"

And that's happening A LOT!

True - I believe that it has always happened but in present times it is getting publicized whereas in the past it was a dirty secret and the pastor was more "protected" from scandal.

I don't know though. If I found out that my pastor was openly a cheater/fornicator/insert your favorite sinner here, I think I would leave, rather than take his behavior as justification for my own wrongdoing.

I beleive that I'll be held accountable for doing the right thing, as will he.

 

[Ramya]

Oh ok.




Its easy for you because its not your battle. Not your struggle.

Yes God's word speaks against fornication/pre-marital sex. But, it also speaks about our sins and how we all fall short of his will. Did not Christ die on the cross for our sins. God knew that we were going to sin at some point. If not, he wouldn't have sacrificed his son.

With that said. Yes premarital sex is a sin and should be reserved for marriage. Is it contradictory/hypocritical for Christians to fornicate? On the surface yes. But the life of Christianity is not so black and white. None of us are perfect. I believe most of us have to battle our flesh on some level EVERYDAY, whether it be sex or anything else that is not of God. Even Paul wrote about it "when I would do good, evil is present with me"


Is there ever a time when it would be acceptable? According to God's word, no. Is it too lofty of an idea in this day and age. No. But for those who choose to do so. It may be a very difficult thing to do.

Umm sexual sin IS my battle. I loved sex when I was having it. And I look forward to having married sex. I don't PLACE myself in the position to have sex because I KNOW it's my battle. We are to FLEE from sin. I don't have male company at home and I don't go to his home. My friends hold me accountable and I remind myself DAILY if necessary of WHY I'm abstaining.

ETA: My pastor teaches abstinence to the men.... especially the men.

 

[kandake]

Umm sexual sin IS my battle. I loved sex when I was having it. And I look forward to having married sex. I don't PLACE myself in the position to have sex because I KNOW it's my battle. We are to FLEE from sin. I don't have male company at home and I don't go to his home. My friends hold me accountable and I remind myself DAILY if necessary of WHY I'm abstaining.

ETA: My pastor teaches abstinence to the men.... especially the men.

You mentioned that it was easy for you to abstain from sex. If its easy I don't see that as a battle/struggle.

 

[Ramya]

You mentioned that it was easy for you to abstain from sex. If its easy I don't see that as a battle/struggle.

It's easy because I finally realized that I was making it hard on myself. The first 6 months were difficult but I was hanging out at home and getting too comfortable for my own good. Once I got it down, I haven't had any problems since.

 

[biancaelyse]

There is definately an imbalance of abstaining being preached to Christian women moreso than it is being preached to Christian men...so many preachers got they're own mess that they are dealing with, extra-marital affairs with women within the church, etc etc. I'd be hard pressed to find a preacher that preaches celibacy to men seriously within the African-American community. Even the majority of older Christian women are speaking from 'lesson learned' experiences where they've been their yet preach to the youngins to wait, and OBVIOUSLY their advice should be golden most especially since they've been there, but then you'll have young women who take it as hypocrisy and act against it.

You should prepare her for the reality that she may not find a man that does not want to pressure her for sex at her age and prepare her for the fact that the chance of her finding a man who is a virgin waiting for sex will continue to dwindle. If you could encourage her to adopt the mindset that at her age she should be pursuing her goals in life instead of worrying about finding a man that isn't going to pressure her for sex, that would be great. This shouldn't be that big of a 'discouragement' for her at this age...unless she's 'struggling' with this on her own account..which is also possible.

She is actually very career oriented and at 26 has 2 degrees and a good job in her field. I don't think she is hearing her clock tick but it is discouraging when so many of the men she meets in the church are expecting to sample the goods and not respecting her decision. It's like being in a class and everyone is cheating on the test but you. Not a good feeling.

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

She is actually very career oriented and at 26 has 2 degrees and a good job in her field. I don't think she is hearing her clock tick but it is discouraging when so many of the men she meets in the church are expecting to sample the goods and not respecting her decision. It's like being in a class and everyone is cheating on the test but you. Not a good feeling.

My SO and I are both 24 (soon to be 25) year old virgins and don't feel the urge to have sexual intercourse. We both decided individually and together as a couple that want to wait until our wedding night;there is never any pressure to have sex. Tell her to wait and not to lower her expectations because her perfect fit is out there.

*btw, our decision to wait has nothing to do with religion *

 

[LunadeMiel]

Because I don't believe premarital sex is wrong... (there are a lot of things that I don't believe/agree with in the bible..... ) I'm celibate right now but only because I haven't found a suitable partner...

 

[biancaelyse]

I think her location doesn't help her to meet suitable men either. I am encouraging her to move out of state and experince life somewhere else.

 

[saved06]

I just learned to pray for them because pre martial sex is a big trap. And what you do now will effect the rest of your relationships and life.

 

[SvelteVelvet]

She is actually very career oriented and at 26 has 2 degrees and a good job in her field. I don't think she is hearing her clock tick but it is discouraging when so many of the men she meets in the church are expecting to sample the goods and not respecting her decision. It's like being in a class and everyone is cheating on the test but you. Not a good feeling.

Oh ok, when you just said 20's I thought earlier 20's automatically.

And about men in the church..man that is probably a whole different subject on its own. But I get your analogy.

 

[Theo]

I'm abstaining and I feel lots of pressure. I have felt the pressure since high school. I went to an HBCU for college so I had a very large dating pool and trust, there was pressure all around. I've never met anyone who said abstaining was easy, especially if they are young and experiencing the fight right now. I almost wanna get offended by the statement, but I'm not lol.

I have heard ALL KINDS of nonsense from many different kinds of men. Its almost funny to me now, but really, its a frustrating situation to be in, for anyone.

I am close with many women who are abstaining... some were formerly sexually active some weren't. Some have never even kissed a guy, some have done pretty much anything but. I have respect for all of them. I think that if you have really experienced how difficult it can be, its hard for you to judge anyone, because I know personally, the only way I could have made it this far is by grace. And I don't even think I've done all that well really. I also don't think that not having had sex makes it any easier or more difficult to abstain, however I do sometimes get the sense that sometimes those who have led promiscuous lives prior but now choose to abstain overcompensate because they feel like they have something to prove. I've seen it happen a lot.

It gets on my nerves sometimes when older people tell younger people to do something that they themselves were unable to do, but I understand the reason why they do it. I'm a pastor's daughter, so I'm under a lot of pressure to uphold the standard, be a good role model yada yada. It's difficult. But that's a looooong story for another day.

 

[awhyley]

Marking my space in this thread. I'll be back.