Sex on the first date

[Bunny77]

I can say I havent had sex on the first date but I've been in situations where it was pretty early and I've been in some that I made him wait. Shes one of my friends I love to debate with because she has this "hoe mentality" that I love to hear about. It honestly makes me laugh. I know the issues I have in my relationship have nothing to do with when we had sex. I guess I just wanted everyone elses opinion on this matter. I wish you all could hear some of things she says... we definitely agree to disagree. Shes a great friend just a little misguided.

Well you know, if her inner thought process and beliefs or whatever make it okay for her to have sex on the first date, then it probably works for her.

That seems to be the key here. If she's happy with her "hoe mentality," then she's making decisions that work best for her, I guess.

The problem comes when people try to apply what THEY would do to everyone else's situation. Your issues with your boyfriend, like you said, have nothing to do with not having sex with him on the first date. It's probably something else... and you might need to find another dude...

 

[MoniintheMiddle]

one of my dad's biggest fears was that i was gonna turn out to be an emotional hot mess over men and sex....so those were the two things he discussed openly, honestly and repeatedly with me when i was younger

If you don't mind me asking, why was this one of your dad's greatest fears?

 

[Arcadian]

I wouldn't recommend it, though I got some of my honey of the first date

If its not your thing, then dont. I admit I went with the flow and we just kinda sorta started coloring
I think you should always do whats best for you, that means if waiting is best for you, then wait! In my case, we're still together, so does depend on the two involved.

-A

 

[tiara76]

If you don't mind me asking, why was this one of your dad's greatest fears?

my pops has always been pretty open about his relationships, his behaviors, experiences with women and he has not always treated women the best due to his own ego and emotional issues around trust with women...but he talked about the reasons why he behaved the way he did put it all out there no holds barred....he didn't "brag" about his experiences but he also didn't speak from a negative perspective as in "im such a horrible person" type way either...and never referred to the women in a negative manner

from the women who were too clingy and needy, to the ones he was really feeling and ran from, the ones he tried to make work for various different reasons outside of just wanting to be with them and it being a disaster, the ones he chased and tried to get, the one night stands, the married women..etc.....he said after i was born the one thing he didn't want me to go thru is dealing with "stupid' men who are always doing "stupid" things because of ego and not being able to deal with their emotions or being a woman who was racked with guilt and shame over sex or overly attached to a guy who does me "wrong" because of "love"

he was always on the tip of people will treat you how you allow them too..esp men, don't put up with dumb **** because as long as you do he will keep doing it....he was also big on experience...if you have to go through something to "get it"....get it the first time so you don't have to keep going through it...you can know alot of things..but if you don't GET IT and understand it you will probably go through it to get it, and keep going through it until you do

 

[gabulldawg]

I can't help but think of that movie "He's Just Not That Into You." One of the big things that was preached in that movie was the issue about the "exception to the rule." Sleeping with her boyfriend on the first date MAY have worked out for your friend. HOWEVER, the average woman who sleeps with a man on the first date will not reap a husband. Please don't believe that mess.

 

[Ms. Vea]

I dont think that it is good to have sex on the first date because most guys wont mess with you after because its like if she will give it to me then she will give it anybody that fast..............just my opinion no judgment being past here!

 

[sprungonhairboards]

It never ceases to amaze me how someone can be that comfortable and soooo into somebody that they want their penis inside them after 1 date

 

[sprungonhairboards]

I dont think that it is good to have sex on the first date because most guys wont mess with you after because its like if she will give it to me then she will give it anybody that fast..............just my opinion no judgment being past here!

Plus it's just gross. Even guys think so, or they wouldn't think that way since the same could be said for them. It would just work both ways and you'd call it even.

 

[SelahOco]

I agree with the other posters that first date sex can turn out okay in some rare occasions. But I can't see how waiting can EVER hurt a potential couple. The logic would lean towards waiting in any case.

 

[firecracker]

Is your best friend a man?

It is not just men that think that way. I had a girlfriend that felt like that. Ugh ok whateva works for you if you are highly sexed! I know it sucks falling for someone then the sex sucks! Lol

 

[Hairsofab]

I can't imagine doing that. Never done it. But I would not rule it out. Probably not good to have sex on the first date.If Henry Cavill ever asks me out I might change my mind.

 

[tiara76]

I agree with the other posters that first date sex can turn out okay in some rare occasions. But I can't see how waiting can EVER hurt a potential couple. The logic would lean towards waiting in any case.

only when a woman waits and gets all caught up only to find out he was playing the role for months to get sex and then "switches" up on her
devastates alot of women...

however I'm definitely not one to encourage early sex or first date, or to set specific timelines...when women ask me questions along these lines I only encourage her to get in touch with her sexuality and know the reasons why she even engages in the first place....do it on her time, her comfort levels and for herself because she truly wants to do it or is real clear on her motives on why she would choose too and okay with those motives and intentions whatever they are

a few things I would personally stress is

don't do it too soon for fear of losing a man, if he pressures you and you aren't ready be ready to let him go if he can't respect your stance..all of that what you ain't doing somebody else will...let somebody else do it then... be with somebody who is considerate of where you are with sex and know your reasons are for yourself...just be real...don't play games around it

get rid of the golden yoni idea

don't make him wait a "game" you are playing with him

don't front...ie don't act like you are this goody good girl when you aren't, don't act like you are the sexually adventurous free spirit girl when you aren't

know that commitment does not equate to "respect"...so holding out for a commitment from a dude doesn't automatically mean you are getting a prince charming who thinks you are such a great catch who will treat you as the goddess you are if he waits around and makes you his woman.,.take note of all the girlfriends and wives getting dogged out and disrespected by their "committed" other halves...know your worth and that is not determined by how soon you have sex with somebody or how long you wait, and know that you are getting treated to the worth you determine yourself to be

stop giving the power of sexuality over to men and allowing them to dictate everything about you and who you are as a sexual woman depending on how they act, react, or respond to anything you do around sex

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

IMO....there is just too much out there...if they eva make a one day AIDS/STD's test...maybe give the yellow light (neva for me)...You definitely should do the best for you...but this is definitely the hell-->no for me...

I do have a homegurl who says that sex on the 1st date doesn't make or break anything...however she's married, got 2 kids and she can be a thread one day...but none the less that's my gurl and even though I don't like it...she's grown...

 

[Lucia]

I'm lighting the firecracker.....
Is your friend really engaged to him or has she just moved in with him?
I'm only asking b/c I know a lot of females perpetrating fraud. They have to justify what they're doing and/or trying to pressure the guy to commit to more than he willing to do. So she goes around like oh he better get me a ring for my B-day, Valentine's, Christmas, and telling everybody she's engaged or getting engaged to said man. Meantime, in the real world he's just with her for now and has no plans to get engaged or married to her, but he's not telling her that cause she's in house booty. I'm not saying do it or not, but know what your doing and don't expect anything from it, b/c it is what it is and nothing more.

I have 2 friends this happened to girl and a guy. 1st the girl: they had sex on the 1st date, she wanted to move in and he was cool with that so they shacked up, but then she wanted a ring, marriage and stuff. She went around telling everybody she knew that they were engaged and going to get married to force him into it. Well let's just say she broke her face on that. He was not on that with her he just wanted a live in GF, period. So they broke up and 6 months later he married someone else. She also thought that having sex on the 1st date guaranteed that you were in charge of the relationship, of the man and used it to control men. She's my girl but she played herself.

2nd the guy: they had sex after they just met, no date yet, he was barely dating her a month when she busts out with, can we start looking at places to move together, and when he was like I'm still in school, she was like I might be pregnant, yada, yada. You know they broke up.

Did you ever watch SATC =Sex ad the City, it's very telling on how women and men interact, if you haven't watch the DVD's not the edited TV versions. Men think differently, period. If you watch it pay attention to the 2 female archetypes Samantha and Charlotte, Sam=is the alpha female who thinks and acts like a man. She has sex on the first date, sometimes at first site. But she's drinking the kool aid and she KNOWS what she's drinking. She doesn't pretend or front about it. She knows that he's not sticking around, not to be her BF, lover, fiancé, husband and she doesn't want that either. Charlotte is kind of neurotic in a cute way and desperately wants a husband but she's sexing everybody in the hopes of making him "the One". When she stopped obsessing over finding the one is when she found him.

It's not like he's so into you that he has to have you that first night, that's the women's version, the man is like dayum she's hot, I want some of that let me hit it. Don't think for a minute that he's thinking wow she's so beautiful, smart, this that and the 3rd, I better wife her up STAT, he needs some time to get to know you 1st for any of that to happen. I don't think it takes years either to get to know someone but 1st date sex=relationship, marriage, is the exception not the rule.

 

[Lucia]

only when a woman waits and gets all caught up only to find out he was playing the role for months to get sex and then "switches" up on her
devastates alot of women...

however I'm definitely not one to encourage early sex or first date, or to set specific timelines...when women ask me questions along these lines I only encourage her to get in touch with her sexuality and know the reasons why she even engages in the first place....do it on her time, her comfort levels and for herself because she truly wants to do it or is real clear on her motives on why she would choose too and okay with those motives and intentions whatever they are

a few things I would personally stress is

don't do it too soon for fear of losing a man, if he pressures you and you aren't ready be ready to let him go if he can't respect your stance..all of that what you ain't doing somebody else will...let somebody else do it then... be with somebody who is considerate of where you are with sex and know your reasons are for yourself...just be real...don't play games around it

get rid of the golden yoni idea

don't make him wait a "game" you are playing with him
don't front...ie don't act like you are this goody good girl when you aren't, don't act like you are the sexually adventurous free spirit girl when you aren't

know that commitment does not equate to "respect"...so holding out for a commitment from a dude doesn't automatically mean you are getting a prince charming who thinks you are such a great catch who will treat you as the goddess you are if he waits around and makes you his woman.,.take note of all the girlfriends and wives getting dogged out and disrespected by their "committed" other halves...know your worth and that is not determined by how soon you have sex with somebody or how long you wait, and know that you are getting treated to the worth you determine yourself to be

stop giving the power of sexuality over to men and allowing them to dictate everything about you and who you are as a sexual woman depending on how they act, react, or respond to anything you do around sex

That's ususally b/c she doesn't see the "signs" no one can keep up an act for long, even if you have sex early on with them they'll still switch up and the woman is still devastated too. Not having sex early if that's how you feel is good for you also weeds the players out.

ITA with the big bolded speak the truth:
Good points if waiting is your thing then do that and be comfortable losing guys who can't or won't respect that, they'll leave but if they're really into you they'll stay and see what you're about. Sometimes they'll come back but that's another exception.
If your a freak, be that, don't play games like you into waiting and being a"good girl" if that's not really who you are, but don't let a man, your friends or anyone else tell you who you are esp. not with your sexuality it's not a game, it's much too important.

 

[tiara76]

That's ususally b/c she doesn't see the "signs" no one can keep up an act for long, even if you have sex early on with them they'll still switch up and the woman is still devastated too. Not having sex early if that's how you feel is good for you also weeds the players out.

ITA with the big bolded:
Good points if waiting is your thing then do that and be comfortable losing guys who can't or won't respect that, they'll leave but if they're really into you they'll stay and see what you're about. Sometimes they'll come back but that's another exception.
If your a freak, be that, don't play games like you into waiting and being a"good girl" if that's not really who you are, but don't let a man, your friends or anyone else tell you who you are esp. not with your sexuality it's not a game, it's much too important.

I was responding to oco saying that waiting never hurt a potential relationship....the truth is alot of people seem to be getting hurt and "devastated" in relationships and its not due to or not not due to any external factors we tend to atribute to what makes something work vs doesn't and sex is one of the most confused, misused, abused energies we engage in...



know thyself and where you stand on it and who you are around it and I agree with the bolded

 

[MzLady78]

It never ceases to amaze me how someone can be that comfortable and soooo into somebody that they want their penis inside them after 1 date

Well, I've never had sex on the 1st date and I'm neither for/against it but I will say this.

Everybody doesn't look at sex as some big, sacred event that should only be shared with someone you have a deep, emotional connection with. Not saying that you personally feel this way, but to *me*, that is the overall tone on this board. Sometimes, you just want to get laid, period, lol. Once again, not advocating it or condemning it.

I've said before that I honestly believe that if it weren't for the fear of diseases/unwanted pregnancies, etc., a lot of people's sexual tendencies would be different.

 

[LifeafterLHCF]

That how you catch herpsylipious...I use to be this way before I learned my worth..I use to think I could play the game men played but i felt so worthless afterwards..yes its nice to get a orgaism..but you can get one of those for 20.00 at any adult store..I mean I wouldnt want to let some dude hit if one he doesnt respect me and I havent conducted a background check..and there no ring on the finger..

 

[MissJ]

We had a long debate about that. Like most of you I'm afraid of diseases and you never know you may put it on him too good and then you got a stalker. LOL... but she is actually engaged to a man she had sex with on the first date. I made my boyfriend wait... and according to her thats why I have so many problems with him now.

She was probably the only one who would give him any.

How long have they been together?

 

[BrooklynSouth]

I've known only one..yes..one woman who married the man she sexed to the nth degree after the first date. No way would I chance such a thing.

 

[Bunny77]

Everybody doesn't look at sex as some big, sacred event that should only be shared with someone you have a deep, emotional connection with. Not saying that you personally feel this way, but to *me*, that is the overall tone on this board. Sometimes, you just want to get laid, period, lol. Once again, not advocating it or condemning it.

See in this case, I guess I see this differently than what the OP's friend was saying. If you go into it thinking, "I'm horny, I want to get some, I don't care if I ever see dude again," then hey, go for it!

The OP's friend seemed to be talking about this in a context of looking at a man for future relationship potential, and I don't see how having sex on the first date does anything to help determine if the dude is boyfriend/future husband material.

If someone feels comfortable having sex on every first date, then hey, I have nothing to say although it's totally NOT my thing and I wouldn't advise it at all. But doing it to decide if you want to see a man again? Uh... I dunno about that one...

 

[kismettt]

i think it depends on the situation (as far as having sex on the first date period, i don't see it happening for me, but for others, yes). i cannot imagine having sex on the first date i go on with every man. that's just excessive & unlikely (are you really going to have such good chemistry that you want it now.now.now?)

plus i dont get physically comfortable around people for a longgg time, much less having sex with some dude.

 

[Lucia]

See in this case, I guess I see this differently than what the OP's friend was saying. If you go into it thinking, "I'm horny, I want to get some, I don't care if I ever see dude again," then hey, go for it!

The OP's friend seemed to be talking about this in a context of looking at a man for future relationship potential, and I don't see how having sex on the first date does anything to help determine if the dude is boyfriend/future husband material.

If someone feels comfortable having sex on every first date, then hey, I have nothing to say although it's totally NOT my thing and I wouldn't advise it at all. But doing it to decide if you want to see a man again? Uh... I dunno about that one...

Well said, ITA I don't see how it helps in that department either.

 

[HollyGolightly]

I know that having sex too soon is always bad for me. When I start sleeping with someone, I get attached. I'd rather wait and get to know the person before I hand them my heart. Not having sex is easy, I'd rather be miserable and horny than pregnant or dying from AIDS.

 

[Seraphina]

That how you catch herpsylipious...I use to be this way before I learned my worth..I use to think I could play the game men played but i felt so worthless afterwards..yes its nice to get a orgaism..but you can get one of those for 20.00 at any adult store..I mean I wouldnt want to let some dude hit if one he doesnt respect me and I havent conducted a background check..and there no ring on the finger..

It's rather rare that a woman can truly play this game like a man...some can, but it's not the norm. Women need to realize that we secrete a hormone during sex that creates a sense of bonding and attachment (even if we went into the situation without such intentions). It's the same hormone we secrete while giving birth and while breastfeeding. This is something that ONLY the women experiences...it's not mutual. So what often happens is that the woman will develop strong feelings for the man that he does not reciprocate. It just wasn't that deep for him. And this can cause a lot of problems down the road.

 

[SelahOco]

only when a woman waits and gets all caught up only to find out he was playing the role for months to get sex and then "switches" up on her devastates alot of women...

however I'm definitely not one to encourage early sex or first date, or to set specific timelines...when women ask me questions along these lines I only encourage her to get in touch with her sexuality and know the reasons why she even engages in the first place....do it on her time, her comfort levels and for herself because she truly wants to do it or is real clear on her motives on why she would choose too and okay with those motives and intentions whatever they are

I agree with you Tiara.

The bolded was the point I was going to make too. I think a lot of people look at people like you and think they are somehow lacking or behind the ball. It seems so much better to be "free" but that means somthing different to each woman - as I know you know.

Its a process getting to know yourself. First date sex is a risk only when the woman/man is expecting more from it and would be hurt or feel compromised if "more" didn't happen. Thats a risk and if you are not 100% confident in your choice, I wouldn't advise early sex based on some notion (implied in the OP) that your relationship with be better if you do it.

That's foolish! Certainly a person can break your heart no matter what stage of the relationship you decide to have sex in. But if you're a person who would feel used and compromised if you had sex with someone who wasn't willing to take it past just sex or a few dates....don't do it.

Don't experiment with "being free" unless the after effects are also a part of your experiment. Nothing's a sure thing. If you're not sure, wait. It's not going to kill you. And it's not playing games if YOU are not comfortable. Use your own vetting process and try to get to know each other....do whatever makes you comfortable.

 

[Bliss806]

I never say never but I don't think I could ever have sex on the first date. I don't even kiss people on the first date and they get the "church hug" IF I hug them. I just feel totally uncomfortable with that whole situation. There are entirely too many STD's and STI's out there for me. There are so many things that can go wrong with that decision. Oh NOO SMH

 

[newbiemom]

Sex on the 1st date is fine if you never plan on having a second because I can't imagine any man would entertain the idea of a relationship with someone like that.

 

[sprungonhairboards]

Well, I've never had sex on the 1st date and I'm neither for/against it but I will say this.

Everybody doesn't look at sex as some big, sacred event that should only be shared with someone you have a deep, emotional connection with. Not saying that you personally feel this way, but to *me*, that is the overall tone on this board. Sometimes, you just want to get laid, period, lol. Once again, not advocating it or condemning it.

I've said before that I honestly believe that if it weren't for the fear of diseases/unwanted pregnancies, etc., a lot of people's sexual tendencies would be different.

Those reasons aside, I just think it's nasty erplexed. My body is worth more than that to me and I've never been that horny to give it up to a stranger who probably ain't even worth it. Plus sex with no feelings for the person just doesn't do it for me. Hell I haven't even made up my mind if I really LIKE you like that after 1 date. I definately don't want you inside me or seeing me nekkid.

 

[MizAvalon]

No way. I don't even kiss on first dates.