Setting Precedence/Standards

[kjeneen]

What type of Standards-setter are you? And what has been the benefits?

Are you a:

• No-Nonsense Diva? (You believe that if he don't know how to open doors, pull out chair, etc. he'd better find somebody else to show him.)

:kneel:

• Patient Instructor? (your thoughts are that men don't come already knowing how to treat women like ladies, so you're willing to take the time to teach him how to love you...at whatever means necessary.):fallenang

• Compassionate Compromiser? (Ok, so you win a few and you lose a few but at least you give him a shot at getting things right - you just don't play around with offering make-up work for lessons he's having trouble with receiving)

 

[kjeneen]

Here's a bit from a discussion I had earlier with my sister that may help wiht your answers:

there is a very distinct difference (as you’ve pointed out) between making demands and setting precedence/standards.



Demands is setting expectations on that PERSON and enforcing them through your own means. Setting precedence/standards is simply saying, “Look, be it you or anyone else, THIS is what it takes to be with me.” When you set standards, you accept the fact that what you’re requiring IS NOT for everyone, and you’re not afraid to send a man packing who is not willing to comply. Making demands, giving ultimatiums and the like are completely different because they are focused on ONE particular person. For example, you’re ultimatum to T to either man up on commitment or else is personalized to him based on his prior performance within the relationship. But this is not what you have REQUIRED as a standard upfront and that’s why it’s being placed as an ultimatum now. You follow?



Point being, relationships take BOTH demands and standards in order to be fulfilling. BUT I dare to say that the more standards set in the beginning, the less demands there are to be needed as the relationship evolves

 

[Nayeli]

I was the first. I'm talking staunch.

Now, I'm the last with a slight touch of the first. And I'm enjoying a very fulfilling relationship.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I am a mix of no-sense and patient and compassionate. I expect to be treated a certain way. I will let you know my standard. I will not teach you but I will see if you care enough to go learn. I will not be exclusive with you until you meet those standards.

 

[awhyley]

Patient teacher - I understand that some guys didn't have the proper influence, but they would actually like to treat ladies properly. If he doesn't 'catch on', I'm outta there.

 

[kjeneen]

Thank you Ladies, but please don't forget to vote.

 

[kjeneen]

I voted on the last one as well because while I do NOT expect any man to read my mind, I do expect him to catch on QUICKLY because most of the women in my circle wouldn't give that much.

Like one of my former partners told me about an experience she once had with one of her earlier suitors (she's married now). She said that this guy was a sports athlete, handsome, and very financially stable, but when they went out on their FIRST date, he not only showed up 15 minutes late but laughed when she gave him the eye for NOT opening her door. Needless to say, that was the last he saw of her and from then on out every time he called she was surprisingly too busy to come to the phone.

Now when she told me this story, I thought baby girl had flipped her wig...but now I see the light and thank the Lord for His knowledge of self-worth.

 

[Ms Red]

My mom once told me that men are just a half-step above apes.

Over time, I kind of treat them the same way you would when housebreaking a puppy. I don't have time for Option B and C. These dudes usually get one date and sometimes not even a whole one.

If a guy shows a lot of potential (a true gentleman) and only needs adjustment in an area or two, I'll spell it out for him (no mind reading here) and if he refuses or just doesn't meet the standard... Next.

 

[tinkat]

I can be a mix between B and C.

 

[aribell]

If a guy shows a lot of potential (a true gentleman) and only needs adjustment in an area or two, I'll spell it out for him (no mind reading here) and if he refuses or just doesn't meet the standard... Next.

I agree with this.

 

[CarLiTa]

But this is not what you have REQUIRED as a standard upfront and that’s why it’s being placed as an ultimatum now. You follow?



Point being, relationships take BOTH demands and standards in order to be fulfilling. BUT I dare to say that the more standards set in the beginning, the less demands there are to be needed as the relationship evolves

The bolded part is SERIOUS food for thought. I am learning.
Set standards so that you don't have to make demands throughout and give ultimatums.

Again, in relation to the bolded:

I took this from a discussion on the "Emotional Bank Account" --- a fascinating concept.

Clarify expectations.
The cause of almost all relationship difficulties is rooted in ambiguous, conflicting expectations around roles and goals. Making an investment of time and effort up front saves time, effort and a major withdrawal later.

There is nothing more frustrating in a relationship than not understanding what is expected of you. Although many of us wish we could be, we are not mind readers. And because each of us sees life differently and has different backgrounds and life experiences, expecting someone to just “know” is not only unfair but completely unrealistic. It’s important that the person with whom you are dealing with, knows exactly what is expected of them. Doing this will keep them out of the dark and allow them to relate you confidently, knowing that what they are doing is in line with your expectations.

Thanks, OP

 

[Theo]

Lol I guess I'm a not-so-patient instructor. Most of the guys I date say that I'm "demanding", but they don't seem to mind stepping up to the challenge. It doesn't take long to teach them, but you have to date guys that WANT to learn.... don't waste your time with knuckleheads.