As many of you know, I met a guy a few months ago, and at the beginning, everything was fantastic, it was almost like being in a dream. I couldn't believe that I had finally found someone that I was excited about.
But in the past few weeks, really the last month and a half or so, we've been having lots of arguments and things are very emotional. While he has not said that he wants to break up, he's said that he's very confused and wanted to have a week completely to himself to think about things. My worst fear is that next week, he will be telling me that he doesn't think our relationship is a good idea for him (or me) at this time, and it's best that we break up. It would really feel like a dagger through my heart if this happened, because I care for this man so much, and, despite the problems, can see a future with him.
So, what happened?
Things happened too fast and a can of worms (or rather, CANS of worms) were opened up that he and I are struggling to deal with. But mostly me.
I have a long history of physical, sexual and emotional abuse. I also have a long history of emotional deprivation on the part of people who were supposed to be there for me (i.e. no one being there to listen to me when I was hurt or in need). So, as you can imagine, it's very hard for me to get attached to people, to become emotionally intimate with them. And once I do allow myself to open up to a person like that, I become attached to them very quickly because such connections happen so rarely for me. And then, another problem develops - my anxiety over being abandoned or my fear that he will be "just like" all the other people who have hurt me starts to creep in. My fear of abandonment is extremely palpable - I was adopted, and moreover, my adoptive dad, early on in my life, was virtually non-existent (for reasons I won't get into here; however you all will be happy to know that my relationship with him now is MUCH better).
It was never my intent to discuss these things with him early on in the relationship. My hope was that after we had been together for a couple of months, and after I had had sufficient time to talk with my therapist about how these things affect me in relationships, I would slowly, in my own time, open up about these things.
But it didn't happen that way. A casual conversation about something led him to ask a very intimate question that caught me off guard. I didn't want to answer it, but I knew not answering it would be just as incriminating. So, I answered truthfully (sorry, I don't want to say what, exactly, the question was about). Of course, him being him, it instantly made him curious about more about me...so he kept asking me questions. Not necessarily in one night, but over the course of about a week or two. At first, I reacted VERY badly to the questions. I would get very upset and try to shut him out. I'd yell at him. I didn't want to GO there, and i KNEW I wasn't ready to go there. But, he told me that knowing that there were things about me that he didn't know about me made him feel distant from me. I told him, there might be answers to these questions that you will not like and will not be prepared to deal with. He said he was ready to deal with whatever may come. That he was not going to run away.
That may not be so true at this point.
At first, it was a relief to get all those things off my chest. But then, I started feeling anxious. I didn't really recognize it at first, but if I think back, I can really see where it started. Just this strange, small gut feeling that something wasn't "quite right." But I ignored it, and kept moving along. But the anxious feeling grew. The next thing I knew, I was less easygoing. I was getting upset at stuff and reacting to it in a way that was very inappropriate (i.e. I may have rightfully been upset or hurt, but the reaction was overblown). I didn't understand what was happening or why, which, of course, made me more anxious. Which, as you guys guessed it, led to me being even MORE sensitive. At that point, I KNEW something was wrong, but I couldn't put my finger on it, which of course led to MORE anxiousness, and MORE fights. I was caught in a horrible negative feedback loop
We had two huge arguments last week, as well as one earlier this week. However, I'm actually grateful for those arguments now because, rather than running away from the pain in the aftermath, I really
thought about the arguments. And now, I have so much clarity. I GET why I am getting upset like this. I KNOW what I need to do, and I have begun the journey to healing myself so I can be freed from the terrible grip that my emotions have on me.
But, a big part of me fears it might be too late. I'm frustrated because I know that things have been rough on him, that he's unhappy, not just because of the arguments, but because he hurts for me, that it's hard for him to understand me at times, that he feels helpless and questions if he can be the kind of person that someone like me needs. And I
know that it can be very hard to stick by someone who is going through a tough process of change like this, especially when a relationship is in its infancy. And I know that in a city like New York, where there are so many (supposed) "options" out there, it can be tempting to think that you can leave someone behind and find something better, easier.
But I am FIGHTING to work on this! And no, I am not doing it just for him - I am doing it for ME. I look at this whole thing as an opportunity for me to FINALLY get a handle on these things that have cast a palor over my life for so many years. That I can DO this and that on the other side of this, is just, this amazing freedom and peace. I want that for myself so badly because I know that once I start getting there, my life, my relationships...everything will start to become so much more fulfilling.
I care about him so much, and I want to be with him. I just don't want him to give up on me, or us. I know that it may be that God's plan for me doesn't include him long term. But, in my heart, I feel like the real possibility is there, that this person was meant to be with me for a long time. I felt it when we first met. And he even said he felt it a bit when he first met me.
Any support that you can offer - any words, insights - even if it's the kind of thing that may be hard to say or hear - please offer them. Thank you.
