Self-healing: What do you do to find you....

[foxieroxienyc]

Hello Ladies of LHCF, I decided it was time to take a walk on the other side (non-hair side, lol) and see if I can find some answers to something I'm searching for from those who have been there... So this is going to be a long one...

So, did you ever have that feeling at the age of 21 when you knew something was changing and different in you... I felt a literal shift from that realm of being a teenager to actually being a young woman. And I felt that shift again when I hit 25 and I went from being a young woman to a woman. Now at the age of 28, I'm feeling that mental, spiritual, and now PHYSICAL shift happening again (not as limber as I used to be, lol, gotta take extra time to stretch and warm up before dance class and rehearsals, lol. Knee aches sometimes, lol.). I realized that I have some MAJOR relationship issues where I attach myself to men way too soon. They say it's because of issues you've had with your father, mine was never present. I of course met him plenty of times when I was a child, I was raised by my god-mother's family and not my biological family. coincidentally my half brother lived across the hall from me (on my dad's side) and he never once came to see me (he was divorced from his first wife, and I'm sure he saw my brother). He was the type of man who didnt like black women, expect my mom, and they had a fall out and she decided to not marry him (let's say that I have ANOTHER half-brother who is the same age as me, yeah they had issues). All his other women have been white. In any case, I realize over the years, this has really affected me in ways I never thought or imagined.

For one, I never date black men. Well I have in the past, but for the last 5 years or so I have found every excuse to condition myself to not be attractive to them - and that's REALLY f*cked up. I've only dated white men, and trust me they're just as much jerks as anyone else. The one black man (INCREDIBLY GORGEOUS MAN) that I had the biggest crush on pretty much rejected me because he just broke up with his girlfriend (a former co-worker) and the break-up was partly caused because of things people said about him and his "ways" (player) to her which he said were lies that she believed, and it caused all kinds of drama, and the break-up was huge, and he can't get involved with someone else from work again. He said had he met me outside of work, then he would run after me, but timing just isnt right. That really hurt because what I heard was:

YOU'RE A LOSER, I DONT WANT YOU! I'D RATHER GO AFTER SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOU, LOOOSER..... (yes I'm insane)

I recently got involved with an incredible man whom I really liked from day 1 (not in love, just crush/interest), and last night because things have been so hectic in my life right now with work and personal life and moving across the country (living in LA starting in August, uprooting from NY) I was such an ******* and a jerk to him. See, he's in the middle of a divorce, one that is not reconciling I finally found out last night - I had questions, he still wears his ring on his right finger. His wife has arrived from South Africa to settle things with the lawyer, and she's staying at his place. She recently just moved out and back home (she's from South Af.), but I was so under the impression that there were things he was hiding from me and it ruined our evening. So after crying alone all last night, and talking with him back and forth via blackberry messenger, I realize that I dont really want or need a relationship with anyone right now because I'm so wounded... He doesnt want one either, and that's ok with me I'm at peace with that actually.

And dont let me start to talk about my friend Brian, the two of us being involved for about 4.5 years now, he's a relationship-phobe, divorced, young and handsome, but not ready to commit... Yeah... We still mess around and I admit that I have feelings for him .

Right now I need some major self healing.

I had a bad break-up his time last year that still haunts me, I had a break-up that kinda bothers me but not really end of last year and now into this year (jerk from Argentina - amazing in bed), I'm trying to find myself in all these men and relationships and then I realize that the only way someone can love me is if I FULLY love myself... I love myself, but not FULLY. I need to find me, at 28, who looking at 30 around the corner when I move from just being a woman to a wise and savy 30's woman.

How do you self heal? Do you spend time alone? Do you like to go to museums and spend quiet evenings reading? Do you take yoga classes or something else to soothe the soul? Do you eat out alone and feel so happy about it? I'm finding my own answers here as places to start, but what else can I do?

I've been thinking about finally talking to my brother and asking him to ask my father if we can talk. I want to know him, I want him to know what a great person I've turned out to be... I graduated from Fordham, I've had a pretty cool dance career, I'm an actress, I'm a model, I inspire people on a daily basis working in fitness and health as a trainer and done so for 10 years. I'm upset with him in some ways for not wanting to know me... But I'm not so upset that I will blame him and not listen to his side of the story... Do you think it's too late for this?

Any advice would be great, sometimes I feel like I'm slowly loosing my mind, but I feel so much better now that I can pinpoint my issues and address them.

TIA so much for reading AAAAAAALL of this... It means a lot.

Rox.

 

[Leslie_C]

Ok Im no psychologist or anything, but I have definitely felt the way u have been feeling. Is sounds like u have issues with seeking acceptance and approval from any man you encounter, and have a hard time dealing with rejection bc you feel like your father rejected you and everytime things dont work out with a man, u feel like u are just being rejected by yet another man.

My dad was in the picture but he was never around, and he was a alcoholic/drug addict and physically abused my mom. I think it definitely affected my relationship with men...to the point where I had relationships with men who were married or in relationships. Oh the heartache I put myself through in my early 20s. Its as if I didnt think I was good enough to have somebody of my own and no man could love just me. I always felt like if they loved me enough they would leave the person they were with to be with me. And that was prove that I was worthy of being loved if they did that for me. I really had issues. I was able to get past that phase in my life and realize my own self worth. But to this day I am very emotionally needy. I need to be held,kissed,told Im loved,etc constantly...similar to a child. If I dont get that then Im not happy. Im lucky I met someone who is very similar to me and also needs a lot of attention and affection too, bc I dont think I could be in a relatioship with someone who wasnt like me. We would both be unhappy bc I wouldnt be satisfied and he would think I was too needy. This way we both get what we need so its a really good fit.

What worked for me was reading self help books, pampering myself, spending time with myself, reflecting on my achievements and the obstacles Ive overcome to get to the place I am now (makes me very proud of myself), and most of all being ok with being alone. ANY man is not better than no man. You are talking about the guy who u have been messing around with forever but he wont commit....I think many of us have had him. You have to put a stop to it...when I was in that type of arrangement, it wasnt healthy for me emotionally bc deep down I wanted to be with the person so it wasnt like we were on the same page...it was like I was taking what I could get...basically settling for less bc I thought it was better than nothing. I couldnt stand to be completely alone. When u realize u are better than that you will no longer put yourself in those situations. You have to get to a point where u say to yourself, no man is worth your time if he doesnt think enough of you to commit. So dont waste your time anymore. I know u probably think one day he is going to wake up and decide he wants to be with you, but its not going to happen. You have already let him know the way things are is acceptable to you. Make a clean cut and move on. Emotional baggage from unfulfilling relationships is not going to help you on your journey to self love.

You will get through this! When I look back on those days its like I was a totally different person. My fiance tells me he knows he better act right bc he knows even though I love him dearly, I wont hesitate to move on if Im not being treated right. He knows my tolerance for BS is zero lol.

 

[PeaceFlow]

I had the absent father thing aswell although he only met me once when I was growing up to my knowledge anyway. We got on great, he said he would come and see me, never did. I had a deep ingrained depression when Black men lied to me like my Dad did that I didnt realise till years latererplexed

He tried to get in contact near my 16th birthday. I decided then to absolve any anger or blame towards him as it was too late for that now. I stuck his number on my wall and looked at it for days and called him when I was ready to because I was in the power seat to do so.

He actually apologised for being immature at the time I was born/growing up (he was 19) and not taking his responsibilities ect. He asked me if I was upset, I told him I was as a youngster for a little while but Im OK now, I said "I hold nothing against you, its OK". I know it sounds stupid but I felt so spiritual at that moment, I didn't forgive him in a doormat way but I took the higher ground but also let him know it wouldn't be forgotten through the strength of charactor in my voice.

The best way I dealt with living through this situation is to remind myself that I wouldn't be the person I was now if he didn't leave us (Alicia Keys experienced similar). You have acheived so much in your life which is amazing but even if you had turned out average Joe, you aren't the one who has to prove your worth to him. Sometimes it feels like that I know for some people whos fathers havent chased them down.

I also do self development like the other poster, in this respect I learned to appreciate the good and the bad in my childhood environment and how I wouldnt have it another way.

I would advise you to gain more personal power and self love before you try to attempt to contact your Father. However if you feel your ready prepare yourself for all scenarios.

I have some suggestions of meditations/excercises/ books if you need to accept yourself, pm me if interested and good luck.

 

[locabouthair]

Ok Im no psychologist or anything, but I have definitely felt the way u have been feeling. Is sounds like u have issues with seeking acceptance and approval from any man you encounter, and have a hard time dealing with rejection bc you feel like your father rejected you and everytime things dont work out with a man, u feel like u are just being rejected by yet another man.

My dad was in the picture but he was never around, and he was a alcoholic/drug addict and physically abused my mom. I think it definitely affected my relationship with men...to the point where I had relationships with men who were married or in relationships. Oh the heartache I put myself through in my early 20s. Its as if I didnt think I was good enough to have somebody of my own and no man could love just me. I always felt like if they loved me enough they would leave the person they were with to be with me. And that was prove that I was worthy of being loved if they did that for me. I really had issues. I was able to get past that phase in my life and realize my own self worth. But to this day I am very emotionally needy. I need to be held,kissed,told Im loved,etc constantly...similar to a child. If I dont get that then Im not happy. Im lucky I met someone who is very similar to me and also needs a lot of attention and affection too, bc I dont think I could be in a relatioship with someone who wasnt like me. We would both be unhappy bc I wouldnt be satisfied and he would think I was too needy. This way we both get what we need so its a really good fit.

What worked for me was reading self help books, pampering myself, spending time with myself, reflecting on my achievements and the obstacles Ive overcome to get to the place I am now (makes me very proud of myself), and most of all being ok with being alone. ANY man is not better than no man. You are talking about the guy who u have been messing around with forever but he wont commit....I think many of us have had him. You have to put a stop to it...when I was in that type of arrangement, it wasnt healthy for me emotionally bc deep down I wanted to be with the person so it wasnt like we were on the same page...it was like I was taking what I could get...basically settling for less bc I thought it was better than nothing. I couldnt stand to be completely alone. When u realize u are better than that you will no longer put yourself in those situations. You have to get to a point where u say to yourself, no man is worth your time if he doesnt think enough of you to commit. So dont waste your time anymore. I know u probably think one day he is going to wake up and decide he wants to be with you, but its not going to happen. You have already let him know the way things are is acceptable to you. Make a clean cut and move on. Emotional baggage from unfulfilling relationships is not going to help you on your journey to self love.

You will get through this! When I look back on those days its like I was a totally different person. My fiance tells me he knows he better act right bc he knows even though I love him dearly, I wont hesitate to move on if Im not being treated right. He knows my tolerance for BS is zero lol.

To the bolded. I went through the SAME thing. I didnt grow up without a father either and in the past I always felt like if I didnt have a boyfriend something was wrong and I would get attached very easily.

I still do have some daddy issues, but now that i'm older I realize that I don't need a man. If a man doesnt treat me the way I respect to be treated, it's over. Just know that you deserve the best, and it's better to be alone than be unhappy. Being in a relationship can be wonderful but know that you can do bad by yourself. And don't settle for less!

You can pm me if you like.

 

[LittleGirlBlue]

Hi Foxie!

The mere fact that you acknowledge that you're doing something unhealthy and want to change that is a huge step in the right direction. As long as you keep that goal in mind, your intentions will be able to manifest themselves into lessons and stepping stones to help you along the way.

For me it helps to remember that our experience here on earth is just that-- an experience. Whenever I get too upset or caught up in my own drama I remember my belief that I am so much more than a human. I believe that the soul is eternal, connected to God. It's so much bigger than you're experience here on Earth. Not to diminish the value, just to put things into perspective. You are God in a human experience. I find it impossible not to love myself when I look at it like that.

I've learned to treasure every emotional experience. They have teached me so much about myself and others, too. In the end, all we have are memories, and the reason we remember things because of how they made us feel. Some people block out emotions and self-awareness. Some people will never get to experience the emotions you're feeling right now. You're life is richer because of it. You will evolve further because of it. Try not to dwell in unhealthy thoughts, emotions, and behavioral patterns, but experience them, learn from them, and let them go. I know: easier said than done.

It's easier to go through all the growing and tough learning experiences when you don't take things too seriously. We as a human race should really try to ENJOY and treasure the brief time our souls have in this experience. We add so much to our own misery and it's crazy to think how much we put ourselves and others through.

It's also nice to think that each crappy step you're taking now is just leading you to the place you really want to be.

You have so much control over yourself and your hapiness. I love the book "Love is Letting go of Fear" by Gerald G. Jampolsky and I really think it would help, if you're open. It's an easy read, it's pretty short, and it's practical. It looks a bit simple and childish (it has some pretty corny illustrations), but I like it's simplicity.

I know that was all over the place, but I hope it helped in some way. Good Luck and blessings in your journey.

 

[lipyt]

Foxie I am 26 and going through the same exact thing you are talking about! I also feel crazy and neurodic! i totally feel you on your statement about age milestones. It's funny how instantly things change like that!
(this is going to be long!)

As for me my father was very present in my life...too present! He was a very controlling, verbally abusive and physically abusive man. He felt very powerful with money and status. I wasn't allowed to make any decisions of my own. I was told how to dress, how to act, what to do, where to go etc etc. He taped and listened to our phone conversations, cursed out our friends who called the house if he suspected they were influencing us in any way. He's cursed out and disassociated us from my mom's and his family. He always called us stupid or pieces of sh*t if we did things that he didn't approve of.
When I was a very little girl my mother would comb my hair and I remember him not liking the way she did it so he would bring my to some neighborhood I didn't know and ask young girls who were sitting outside to redo my hair. My mother would dress me for school and he would redress me because he often didn't like what she dressed me in. My mother would cook dinner and he would "fix" it. It was common place for me to hear my father cursing some one out on the phone, at the front door or my mother. I've seen my dad spit on my mother, throw fruit at her and tell off her parents. My older brother would often get in trouble for things he didn't do and he would get beat because of it. My first love was for dance. I used to stretch in my room the way I watched dancers on tv do and pretend I was dancing ballet. I used to have to hide it from my dad because he would get angry and say young ladies shouldn't open their legs that wide. My mother saw my interest in dance and put me in a dancing school. One month later my dad forbade me to go back to the school because he said that dancing was for low class people. I cried str8 for 3 days. So my dad thought that the solution would be to put me in tennis. Which I hated! And he got angry with me when he saw that I didn't enjoy it.
In my house things were peaceful until my father came home. Some one would be in the living room and yell "Daddy's home!" Then everyone would run back in to their rooms and close the doors. Most of the time I spent writing in my journal underneath my desk, in my closet or in the attic( can't stand in the attic low ceiling). I just wanted to be some place where i couldn't be seen, where i could hide. When we would get in trouble for things we always waited for our mother to jump in and say "that's not true" or take our defense but she never did. She just passively let him mistreat us and her too.
My father has accused my mother of cheating soo many times. There was one incident that he was so sure she cheated and he even thought he knew who it was. One day I came home from school to see that my dad had taped papers all over my parents bed room saying my mother was sleeping with a spanish janitor from her job and what kind of car he drove how old he was etc etc. (the spanish janitor totally didn't exist) Then he acused my mother of being a lesbian and said she was sleeping with her best friend. That totally ruin my mother's relationship with her friend and they weren't able to continue as friends. Then the last thing he said was that my little sister was not his daughter. He even called her in thier bedroom after fighting about it all morning and said to her (she was like in 4th grade) you are not my daughter, your mother cheated on me with another man and then you were born.
Meanwhile my father was the cheater.....
My brother never finished college and my dad blames it on his current wife. When my brother was in school he was dating his wife. My dad said her family was drug dealers and didn't want him to associate with them. So like usual, he had to sneak around to see her. One night he took me along (I was in hs at that point) to see her. When we got home my dad wasn't there. My mother said he was angry because we got back too late. My dad had went out to look for us. So when he got back he was very very angry. He acused my brother of prostituting me to his friends and called me a slut and pushed me in to the wall. He continued to beat my brother so bad with the vacuum and broke a chair on his back. My brother ran out of the house. He stayed with his girlfriends family for a couple of days. He wasn't allowed to come back until he apologized in person to my father for disobeying him. Later when my brother wanted to marry his girlfriend my father didn't attend the wedding and threatened to stop me and my sister from being in it. My dad and my brother haven't talked since.
When it was time for me to go to college, I chose the school that was farthest away from my town. I was a mediocre student. Though I think i am a very bright person I was just never able to apply myself the way I should have. So I picked the only major i thought I had a fighting chance at and that was music since I had been taking piano lessons for so long. (though my dad tried to stop that in the begining too) my father didn't want me to go for music (he chose my brothers major and was angry when my brother didn't finish) So i ended up for the first time standing up to him and saying that that is what I want he's not going to stop me! Surprisingly he backed down. And I was allowed to go to school for music. When I graduated i was super depressed because i knew what hell I was coming home too. I cried str8 for a week. Everyone in my family kept asking me what was the matter. But I couldn't explain why I was so sad. I think I didn't even know myself.
I moved out of my house though my father was FURIOUS! And started my first job. It was a living HELL! I fell into a deep depression! My boss flexed his authority over me and would yell and point his finger. He would pop into my classroom 3 out of 5 times a week. I used to go sit in my car during my lunch break and just cry my eyes out. My boyriend, also a teacher would sit in the car with me and try to console me. And he would say why don't you stand up for yourself. I have never been good with words when face to face with some one. Even with people of my age, females, my boyfriend. My brain gets really scrambled. I forget normal words, I stutter, I use words the wrong way and all the while I'm saying to myself "that's really stupid what you're saying...you're stupid."
And I was sharing my apartment with a girl who was very pushy as well. We would get into fights and then she would stop talking to me for months. My boyfriend also had a very strong character and would make decisions for both of us for the weekend. He ended up cursing my roommate out for me...eventhough I didn't ask him to do it! Well I started to have major anxiety attacks and i began to drink Nyquil every night to help me sleep....
Well after 2 years of that I was fired! The best thing that could have ever happened to me. So just like when I went far away for college I decided to leave New York state all together and moved to Georgia. i thought I was getting away. Until my BF decided to move to Georgia too and my mother ended up moving in with me!
But for a year I lived my Georgia alone and it was the first time in a long time I was able to get some peace of mind. Then my mother lef my dad and moved in with me and my BF left his job got a job at my school and we moved in together. I was skeptical about moving in with him but thought I would get more privacy with him in his condo than I would at my house with my nosey mother! Well that was a disaster. He would get angry when I didn't cook, when i didn't want to go running with him, when I passed at going out some night with him, said I had no sex drive. I complained he wasn't affectionate etc etc...! I ended up moving back to my house we broke up... And for 2 seconds when I was completely alone again with these people from my past in my present I felt like I had no idea who the hell I was what was my purpose... So about a month ago I decided to see a therapist (long story short right?)
Stupidly enough I decided (not too long ago) to get back with my bf. But I do feel I am changing...very slowly..
My therapists recommended I read this book called toxic parents. It talks about our parents impact on our adult lives and relationships. and it is helping me to put the light on certain behaviors that I have as a girlfriend and an adult. So I hope like you that for the next milestone in my life I will be better and done with the drama that goes on in my head. More confident decissive and assertive.
Sorry for the rant! I hope all of it makes sense...lol

 

[texasqt]

Someone could benefit from this.
I know I have.
Thanks for sharing ladies! I'd love to hear more.

 

[Ms_Delikate]

Foxie I am 26 and going through the same exact thing you are talking about! I also feel crazy and neurodic! i totally feel you on your statement about age milestones. It's funny how instantly things change like that!
(this is going to be long!)

As for me my father was very present in my life...too present! He was a very controlling, verbally abusive and physically abusive man. He felt very powerful with money and status. I wasn't allowed to make any decisions of my own. I was told how to dress, how to act, what to do, where to go etc etc. He taped and listened to our phone conversations, cursed out our friends who called the house if he suspected they were influencing us in any way. He's cursed out and disassociated us from my mom's and his family. He always called us stupid or pieces of sh*t if we did things that he didn't approve of.
When I was a very little girl my mother would comb my hair and I remember him not liking the way she did it so he would bring my to some neighborhood I didn't know and ask young girls who were sitting outside to redo my hair. My mother would dress me for school and he would redress me because he often didn't like what she dressed me in. My mother would cook dinner and he would "fix" it. It was common place for me to hear my father cursing some one out on the phone, at the front door or my mother. I've seen my dad spit on my mother, throw fruit at her and tell off her parents. My older brother would often get in trouble for things he didn't do and he would get beat because of it. My first love was for dance. I used to stretch in my room the way I watched dancers on tv do and pretend I was dancing ballet. I used to have to hide it from my dad because he would get angry and say young ladies shouldn't open their legs that wide. My mother saw my interest in dance and put me in a dancing school. One month later my dad forbade me to go back to the school because he said that dancing was for low class people. I cried str8 for 3 days. So my dad thought that the solution would be to put me in tennis. Which I hated! And he got angry with me when he saw that I didn't enjoy it.
In my house things were peaceful until my father came home. Some one would be in the living room and yell "Daddy's home!" Then everyone would run back in to their rooms and close the doors. Most of the time I spent writing in my journal underneath my desk, in my closet or in the attic( can't stand in the attic low ceiling). I just wanted to be some place where i couldn't be seen, where i could hide. When we would get in trouble for things we always waited for our mother to jump in and say "that's not true" or take our defense but she never did. She just passively let him mistreat us and her too.
My father has accused my mother of cheating soo many times. There was one incident that he was so sure she cheated and he even thought he knew who it was. One day I came home from school to see that my dad had taped papers all over my parents bed room saying my mother was sleeping with a spanish janitor from her job and what kind of car he drove how old he was etc etc. (the spanish janitor totally didn't exist) Then he acused my mother of being a lesbian and said she was sleeping with her best friend. That totally ruin my mother's relationship with her friend and they weren't able to continue as friends. Then the last thing he said was that my little sister was not his daughter. He even called her in thier bedroom after fighting about it all morning and said to her (she was like in 4th grade) you are not my daughter, your mother cheated on me with another man and then you were born.
Meanwhile my father was the cheater.....
My brother never finished college and my dad blames it on his current wife. When my brother was in school he was dating his wife. My dad said her family was drug dealers and didn't want him to associate with them. So like usual, he had to sneak around to see her. One night he took me along (I was in hs at that point) to see her. When we got home my dad wasn't there. My mother said he was angry because we got back too late. My dad had went out to look for us. So when he got back he was very very angry. He acused my brother of prostituting me to his friends and called me a slut and pushed me in to the wall. He continued to beat my brother so bad with the vacuum and broke a chair on his back. My brother ran out of the house. He stayed with his girlfriends family for a couple of days. He wasn't allowed to come back until he apologized in person to my father for disobeying him. Later when my brother wanted to marry his girlfriend my father didn't attend the wedding and threatened to stop me and my sister from being in it. My dad and my brother haven't talked since.
When it was time for me to go to college, I chose the school that was farthest away from my town. I was a mediocre student. Though I think i am a very bright person I was just never able to apply myself the way I should have. So I picked the only major i thought I had a fighting chance at and that was music since I had been taking piano lessons for so long. (though my dad tried to stop that in the begining too) my father didn't want me to go for music (he chose my brothers major and was angry when my brother didn't finish) So i ended up for the first time standing up to him and saying that that is what I want he's not going to stop me! Surprisingly he backed down. And I was allowed to go to school for music. When I graduated i was super depressed because i knew what hell I was coming home too. I cried str8 for a week. Everyone in my family kept asking me what was the matter. But I couldn't explain why I was so sad. I think I didn't even know myself.
I moved out of my house though my father was FURIOUS! And started my first job. It was a living HELL! I fell into a deep depression! My boss flexed his authority over me and would yell and point his finger. He would pop into my classroom 3 out of 5 times a week. I used to go sit in my car during my lunch break and just cry my eyes out. My boyriend, also a teacher would sit in the car with me and try to console me. And he would say why don't you stand up for yourself. I have never been good with words when face to face with some one. Even with people of my age, females, my boyfriend. My brain gets really scrambled. I forget normal words, I stutter, I use words the wrong way and all the while I'm saying to myself "that's really stupid what you're saying...you're stupid."
And I was sharing my apartment with a girl who was very pushy as well. We would get into fights and then she would stop talking to me for months. My boyfriend also had a very strong character and would make decisions for both of us for the weekend. He ended up cursing my roommate out for me...eventhough I didn't ask him to do it! Well I started to have major anxiety attacks and i began to drink Nyquil every night to help me sleep....
Well after 2 years of that I was fired! The best thing that could have ever happened to me. So just like when I went far away for college I decided to leave New York state all together and moved to Georgia. i thought I was getting away. Until my BF decided to move to Georgia too and my mother ended up moving in with me!
But for a year I lived my Georgia alone and it was the first time in a long time I was able to get some peace of mind. Then my mother lef my dad and moved in with me and my BF left his job got a job at my school and we moved in together. I was skeptical about moving in with him but thought I would get more privacy with him in his condo than I would at my house with my nosey mother! Well that was a disaster. He would get angry when I didn't cook, when i didn't want to go running with him, when I passed at going out some night with him, said I had no sex drive. I complained he wasn't affectionate etc etc...! I ended up moving back to my house we broke up... And for 2 seconds when I was completely alone again with these people from my past in my present I felt like I had no idea who the hell I was what was my purpose... So about a month ago I decided to see a therapist (long story short right?)
Stupidly enough I decided (not too long ago) to get back with my bf. But I do feel I am changing...very slowly..
My therapists recommended I read this book called toxic parents. It talks about our parents impact on our adult lives and relationships. and it is helping me to put the light on certain behaviors that I have as a girlfriend and an adult. So I hope like you that for the next milestone in my life I will be better and done with the drama that goes on in my head. More confident decissive and assertive.
Sorry for the rant! I hope all of it makes sense...lol

I know this was an old post but I hope you are all right. You are one of the few people on this board that I have met in real life and I think you are great.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Foxie I am 26 and going through the same exact thing you are talking about! I also feel crazy and neurodic! i totally feel you on your statement about age milestones. It's funny how instantly things change like that!
(this is going to be long!)

As for me my father was very present in my life...too present! He was a very controlling, verbally abusive and physically abusive man. He felt very powerful with money and status. I wasn't allowed to make any decisions of my own. I was told how to dress, how to act, what to do, where to go etc etc. He taped and listened to our phone conversations, cursed out our friends who called the house if he suspected they were influencing us in any way. He's cursed out and disassociated us from my mom's and his family. He always called us stupid or pieces of sh*t if we did things that he didn't approve of.
When I was a very little girl my mother would comb my hair and I remember him not liking the way she did it so he would bring my to some neighborhood I didn't know and ask young girls who were sitting outside to redo my hair. My mother would dress me for school and he would redress me because he often didn't like what she dressed me in. My mother would cook dinner and he would "fix" it. It was common place for me to hear my father cursing some one out on the phone, at the front door or my mother. I've seen my dad spit on my mother, throw fruit at her and tell off her parents. My older brother would often get in trouble for things he didn't do and he would get beat because of it. My first love was for dance. I used to stretch in my room the way I watched dancers on tv do and pretend I was dancing ballet. I used to have to hide it from my dad because he would get angry and say young ladies shouldn't open their legs that wide. My mother saw my interest in dance and put me in a dancing school. One month later my dad forbade me to go back to the school because he said that dancing was for low class people. I cried str8 for 3 days. So my dad thought that the solution would be to put me in tennis. Which I hated! And he got angry with me when he saw that I didn't enjoy it.
In my house things were peaceful until my father came home. Some one would be in the living room and yell "Daddy's home!" Then everyone would run back in to their rooms and close the doors. Most of the time I spent writing in my journal underneath my desk, in my closet or in the attic( can't stand in the attic low ceiling). I just wanted to be some place where i couldn't be seen, where i could hide. When we would get in trouble for things we always waited for our mother to jump in and say "that's not true" or take our defense but she never did. She just passively let him mistreat us and her too.
My father has accused my mother of cheating soo many times. There was one incident that he was so sure she cheated and he even thought he knew who it was. One day I came home from school to see that my dad had taped papers all over my parents bed room saying my mother was sleeping with a spanish janitor from her job and what kind of car he drove how old he was etc etc. (the spanish janitor totally didn't exist) Then he acused my mother of being a lesbian and said she was sleeping with her best friend. That totally ruin my mother's relationship with her friend and they weren't able to continue as friends. Then the last thing he said was that my little sister was not his daughter. He even called her in thier bedroom after fighting about it all morning and said to her (she was like in 4th grade) you are not my daughter, your mother cheated on me with another man and then you were born.
Meanwhile my father was the cheater.....
My brother never finished college and my dad blames it on his current wife. When my brother was in school he was dating his wife. My dad said her family was drug dealers and didn't want him to associate with them. So like usual, he had to sneak around to see her. One night he took me along (I was in hs at that point) to see her. When we got home my dad wasn't there. My mother said he was angry because we got back too late. My dad had went out to look for us. So when he got back he was very very angry. He acused my brother of prostituting me to his friends and called me a slut and pushed me in to the wall. He continued to beat my brother so bad with the vacuum and broke a chair on his back. My brother ran out of the house. He stayed with his girlfriends family for a couple of days. He wasn't allowed to come back until he apologized in person to my father for disobeying him. Later when my brother wanted to marry his girlfriend my father didn't attend the wedding and threatened to stop me and my sister from being in it. My dad and my brother haven't talked since.
When it was time for me to go to college, I chose the school that was farthest away from my town. I was a mediocre student. Though I think i am a very bright person I was just never able to apply myself the way I should have. So I picked the only major i thought I had a fighting chance at and that was music since I had been taking piano lessons for so long. (though my dad tried to stop that in the begining too) my father didn't want me to go for music (he chose my brothers major and was angry when my brother didn't finish) So i ended up for the first time standing up to him and saying that that is what I want he's not going to stop me! Surprisingly he backed down. And I was allowed to go to school for music. When I graduated i was super depressed because i knew what hell I was coming home too. I cried str8 for a week. Everyone in my family kept asking me what was the matter. But I couldn't explain why I was so sad. I think I didn't even know myself.
I moved out of my house though my father was FURIOUS! And started my first job. It was a living HELL! I fell into a deep depression! My boss flexed his authority over me and would yell and point his finger. He would pop into my classroom 3 out of 5 times a week. I used to go sit in my car during my lunch break and just cry my eyes out. My boyriend, also a teacher would sit in the car with me and try to console me. And he would say why don't you stand up for yourself. I have never been good with words when face to face with some one. Even with people of my age, females, my boyfriend. My brain gets really scrambled. I forget normal words, I stutter, I use words the wrong way and all the while I'm saying to myself "that's really stupid what you're saying...you're stupid."
And I was sharing my apartment with a girl who was very pushy as well. We would get into fights and then she would stop talking to me for months. My boyfriend also had a very strong character and would make decisions for both of us for the weekend. He ended up cursing my roommate out for me...eventhough I didn't ask him to do it! Well I started to have major anxiety attacks and i began to drink Nyquil every night to help me sleep....
Well after 2 years of that I was fired! The best thing that could have ever happened to me. So just like when I went far away for college I decided to leave New York state all together and moved to Georgia. i thought I was getting away. Until my BF decided to move to Georgia too and my mother ended up moving in with me!
But for a year I lived my Georgia alone and it was the first time in a long time I was able to get some peace of mind. Then my mother lef my dad and moved in with me and my BF left his job got a job at my school and we moved in together. I was skeptical about moving in with him but thought I would get more privacy with him in his condo than I would at my house with my nosey mother! Well that was a disaster. He would get angry when I didn't cook, when i didn't want to go running with him, when I passed at going out some night with him, said I had no sex drive. I complained he wasn't affectionate etc etc...! I ended up moving back to my house we broke up... And for 2 seconds when I was completely alone again with these people from my past in my present I felt like I had no idea who the hell I was what was my purpose... So about a month ago I decided to see a therapist (long story short right?)
Stupidly enough I decided (not too long ago) to get back with my bf. But I do feel I am changing...very slowly..
My therapists recommended I read this book called toxic parents. It talks about our parents impact on our adult lives and relationships. and it is helping me to put the light on certain behaviors that I have as a girlfriend and an adult. So I hope like you that for the next milestone in my life I will be better and done with the drama that goes on in my head. More confident decissive and assertive.
Sorry for the rant! I hope all of it makes sense...lol

Wow...your childhood reminds me of mine. The domineering and controlling father, my mother who was a doormat (at the time), the fear & anxiety that I felt as a child, the inability to stand up for myself, getting beatings for no good reason, etc. I went through ALL of that!

Brings back painful memories for me actually....


But this is good that you ladies are sharing this and getting this out in the open like this. It's not good to keep that type of trauma inside all the time. It's good to release it!