Reasons to Break Up

[MaryJane3000]

So I've been dating this guy for a while now and he's really great, but now after talking I've discovered that we really want different things in life. The main issue is that he doesn't want kids and if he does he wants just one. I want 3. He wants a stay at home wife and I want a career. I also want to live in a few different places before finally settling down somewhere, he wants to stay in DC....FOREVER. I know we're not at the marriage stage yet, but I feel like these are not the things you can really compromise on. He may change his mind later, but what if he doesn't? I'm not saying I'm going to break up with him tomorrow, but its definitely giving me doubts about the longevity of our relationship.

Have any of you experienced these differences while dating someone? How did you proceed?

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

Sounds like your long term goals are different, and this relationship is likely not to work. I prefer to date men that have a similiar vision for life as I do. This situation would be a dealbreaker for me.

 

[TayMac]

With some differences there isn't a compromise and many of what you listed fit the bill to me.

3 kids vs 1
Sahm/wife vs career woman
State hopping vs living in DC

Would you be ok with 2 kids and working part time?

 

[Niknak20]

So I've been dating this guy for a while now and he's really great, but now after talking I've discovered that we really want different things in life. The main issue is that he doesn't want kids and if he does he wants just one. I want 3. He wants a stay at home wife and I want a career. I also want to live in a few different places before finally settling down somewhere, he wants to stay in DC....FOREVER. I know we're not at the marriage stage yet, but I feel like these are not the things you can really compromise on. He may change his mind later, but what if he doesn't? I'm not saying I'm going to break up with him tomorrow, but its definitely giving me doubts about the longevity of our relationship.

Have any of you experienced these differences while dating someone? How did you proceed?

I've been in a situation similar to yours. At first because I wanted us to work I would overlook our different faiths, morals and beliefs. But as things progressed I realized neither of us were budging. Relationships can work when ppl share diff views, etc but both have to be willing to compromise. We weren't which is why we didn't work out. I know you said marriage is a min from now but have you had this talk w/him? It may help if both of you understand one another's reasoning.

 

[MaryJane3000]

Our long term goals are different and we've talked about marraige and he seems open to compromising. I come from a military family so I'm used to moving around a lot. That doesn't bother me, but he's not used to that. I can compromise and we just travel more together. Although I do not want to raise my children in DC. He's adament about 1 child though. The SAHM mom thing is just not up to discussion. I pretty much told him that he if he thinks he can tell me what to do with my person and my autonomous life then he can leave now. Honestly, I want to give birth to children and adopt. I've always wanted that. So this is probably a deal breaker. When we first started dating we never really talked about this stuff but we did, if that makes any sense. Like I told him my dreams for the future and my life and said I wanted a family and he told me his and they seemed to mesh well until we dug deeper once we got deeper into the relationship.

Now I just have to make up my mind regarding what I think the next step should be.

 

[MaryJane3000]

With some differences there isn't a compromise and many of what you listed fit the bill to me.

3 kids vs 1
Sahm/wife vs career woman
State hopping vs living in DC

Would you be ok with 2 kids and working part time?

I could live with two kids and a PT job as along as it was something I'm passionate about. But if he says he only wants 1, I don't want to have to sneak a 2nd one in.

 

[Fine 4s]

This is something I'm paying attention to as well.

It doesn't sound to me as though your positions are that solid. Feel it out some more as you are doing. As far as a career goes and raising a child, if you want three expect to be doing most of the childrearing since he only wants one. Do you know why he only wants one?
Have you two travelled together? Maybe you can visit places you might want to live (your secret) and surreptitiously sell it to him as an awesome place to live. See if that helps. How long have you been together?

Highjacking-

I'm not sure if I want a child unfortunately and he doesn't care either way since he already has a child. I'm thinking I only want one IF at all.
Regarding where to live, I gotta tell y'all the sweetest story: this past weekend, I was thinking out loud and expressed a deep feeling that I ought to be living somewhere like Thibet or India living like a Bhudist (random). He responded, "Well when [child ] gets to a certain age, we'll pick up and just go. I tend to freeze up when I feel good and so I ignored it. What a missed opportunity. No better yet, I think I said 'nahhh.' lol

Awwwww...even though we haven't said the L word yet, I'd say there are some L type feelings there

 

[meesch]

i find out my dealbreakers early on and if we are a mismatch on something that is, in my opinion, a compatibility and/or lifestyle issue, i break it off before anybody gets invested enough to start fooling themself

 

[Theo]

well that's one of the upsides to dating. you figure out what your dealbreakers are and what you're willing to be more chill about....

now you'll know for next time.

its good you're working this stuff out earlier as opposed to later. a lot of couples don't start thinking abt these things til after the marriage which blows my mind...

 

[blksndrlla]

I tried that whole ignore it...or maybe we will change or compromise...yeah..the short of it is we are no longer together.

 

[SilentRuby]

KIM

 

[YasashiiSekai]

You both might end up fighting or regretting things later if you stay together. Those life choices are pretty big so I'm guessing one of you will be unhappy if you have to settle for the other person's wants.
Maybe you both can compromise, but that's some heavy compromising since they're all major things.