Question concerning long engagements

[LadyRaider]

My brother is older and in a long term engagement right now. But he is paying for quarterly trips to visit her (in another state) he pays for dinner when they go out... with her daughter, her daughter's boyfriend and the son and his girlfriend. Of course he pays for his hotel when he's there. She likes to go places with him... like small junkets to other cities, and those miles are put on his rental car gas bill.

He's paying for her monthly gym membership and he pays for his fiance's cell phone. I think he's paying for the daughter's cell phone as well.

He's paying to fly the son to dallas to see Texas Stadium and Kenny Chessney (sp?) as well as the daughter's graduation cruise.

He helped buy the son (over 20) an ipad.

It's a long engagement, no date set. I remember that he gave her the ring in December of 2010.

I'm sure there are plenty of things he's buying that I don't know about.

This doesn't seem appropriate. The engagement is getting so long that I'm getting worried that the family is taking advantage. Then again, though my brother has no money, he likes playing the big shot. There's every chance they think he's loaded so they think it's cool to load him down with expenses.

He says it is he that is putting off setting a date because he has yet to get a job where she lives. But he's the type that if she insisted, he would go along.

I almost told him today that she "doesn't have to buy the cow, she's getting the milk through the fence." That is, all the advantages of having a second income she is getting right now. Why get married at all?

I don't know, though. What do y'all think?

 

[LadyRaider]

I forgot to add that when she visits him, he pays for the hotel and reimburses her for the flight.

 

[LiftedUp]

though my brother has no money, he likes playing the big shot.

I don't think that the long engagement is the problem, I think that this is. When I read the thread I was like well that's what bfs, men do. Until I reached this spot. He shouldn't be living above his means and pretending to be who he's not. He should cut down his expenses and explain that he's trying to build his savings.

I also think that he should find a job in her hometown, if it is there they plan to live, before they get married, or vs.

I'm not turned off by long engagements, usually it's the step after being in a committed relationship. The couple should use the long engagement to get their finances together, make appropriate accommodations to meld their lives together before they get married.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I think he's a grown man (40 or so I'm guessing based on the age of her son) and that if he wants to prove that he is a provider by doing all these things for his soon to be wife and step kids, there is no problem.....well other than you think he has no money.

If he has no money, then the problem is with him and not his soon to be wife & step kids. He needs to stop fronting and tell them the truth. Hopefully he is not about to saddle this new family with a bunch of credit card debt.

By the way, lots of people are engaged for 2 years before the wedding.

 

[jazzerz]

I forgot to add that when she visits him, he pays for the hotel and reimburses her for the flight.

Who is staying in a hotel?

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[God_Favor]

Well, I know you want to look out for your brother, but there is not much you can do. Have you been around them together to see how they interact with one another?

Are they against staying together and sleeping in different rooms? What's all the hotels for? Maybe you should suggest a high quality air mattresses for him to travel with..

 

[O-ren]

why do you know all this?

 

[FlowerHair]

He's a grown man so he needs to tell her what he can and can't afford. Other than that I see no problem with him providing for his fiancé. It's not like those expenses will become smaller once they get married?
I hope they get married soon.

 

[LadyRaider]

You guys are all right of course. I need to leave it alone. As long as he's happy. And the reason I know all this is because he tells me (sigh.) I'm the only let in on the secret that he has no money. Everyone else thinks he's rolling in it.

And then again. As much as I think he has no money... well he did pay the 1000+ dollars for the trip up there earlier in the month with all the gifts and givings to her and her family... so I guess he must have it after all... somehow.

No credit card debt. It's other stuff... medical bills, student loans, I guess. That I actually don't know either.

I have not seen them together. The one time she was supposed to come down and meet my dad and I was supposed to drive up, it didn't work out.

She stays in a hotel when she visits because his house is a train wreck and he doesn't want her to see it. He stays in a hotel when he visits because her divorce settlement says she can't have a man stay the night until her daughter is 18. I think the daughter is now, though... not sure about that. Plus he's real puritan about those things. He told me right away they were NOT going to sleep together until they were married (to which I screamed: TMI!!!!)

He's a mess, but a woman would be a fool to pass him up. He would literally give her all his money and obviously would do anything for her. Works hard, no drinking, cussing. Just very disorganized in taking care of himself. All he needs is help getting pointed in the right direction.

Anyway... thanks I feel a little better. Or at least like there's nothing I should be doing. I figured since they were both older that long engagements were kind of unusual. But perhaps not.

 

[SamandI]

I get your concern as his sister. Sounds like a mess. I would do the same with my brothers. But like you said, a woman would be a fool to pass him up based on his giving. The problem is with him and not with her. If he's portraying a certain image (to include being engaged before she even sees his house or knows his debt) then that's his unfortunate problem.

 

[nappystorm]

Sighs. Where can I find one of these types of men, honey? I think he's doing what a FH should. Is she a hoodrat or something?

 

[God_Favor]

Awww, you sound like a great sister! Hopefully, things will work out with them, if not tell him to give me a call, lol.

 

[LadyRaider]

She's not a hoodrat. She's got a house, and is gainfully employed and actually works an extra part time job too. One thing I like about her is that the minute he gets there she makes him go do something active. He's kind of out of shape, but I think she'll fix that the first long stretch of time she gets.

Thank you again. I feel better.

 

[nappystorm]

She's not a hoodrat. She's got a house, and is gainfully employed and actually works an extra part time job too. One thing I like about her is that the minute he gets there she makes him go do something active. He's kind of out of shape, but I think she'll fix that the first long stretch of time she gets.

Thank you again. I feel better.

Oh! Girl, you better just sit back relax and welcome her to the family then. I wish my brothers/cousins would go hard for one that got her ish together instead of Boomquisha nem. And double hats off to your bro for being a KING instead of a KANG.

 

[greenandchic]

She's not a hoodrat. She's got a house, and is gainfully employed and actually works an extra part time job too. One thing I like about her is that the minute he gets there she makes him go do something active. He's kind of out of shape, but I think she'll fix that the first long stretch of time she gets.

Thank you again. I feel better.

I don't get it. If she is "gainfully employed why is he supporting their lifestyle (gym membership, cell phones, etc) when he is not in the position financially? I would think he would want to focus on his savings and finances to prepare for marriage and not waste money on things that she could take care of herself.

 

[Keen]

OP, I think your real concern is not the money he is spending but that the Family has not met this lady. If that was my brother, I would ask what's taking so long to get married also.

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

I don't get it. If she is "gainfully employed why is he supporting their lifestyle (gym membership, cell phones, etc) when he is not in the position financially? I would think he would want to focus on his savings and finances to prepare for marriage and not waste money on things that she could take care of herself.

A man should provide for the lady in his life regardless of how much the lady makes. He shouldn't live beyond his means to provide for her though. Maybe he makes more money than his sister thinks.

 

[ChasingBliss]

If I let him my fh is the same way with me. But I am used to being a contributor. I dont like anyone footing all the cash. He tells me how he loves me so much more because of this. Even though generous men like this will do it, they still appreciate a woman who will participate. He still does most of everything but I insist a lot. I dont want my baby doing everything. Wow.

 

[meesch]

My brother is older and in a long term engagement right now. But he is paying for quarterly trips to visit her (in another state) he pays for dinner when they go out... with her daughter, her daughter's boyfriend and the son and his girlfriend. Of course he pays for his hotel when he's there. She likes to go places with him... like small junkets to other cities, and those miles are put on his rental car gas bill.

He's paying for her monthly gym membership and he pays for his fiance's cell phone. I think he's paying for the daughter's cell phone as well.

He's paying to fly the son to dallas to see Texas Stadium and Kenny Chessney (sp?) as well as the daughter's graduation cruise.

He helped buy the son (over 20) an ipad.

It's a long engagement, no date set. I remember that he gave her the ring in December of 2010.

I'm sure there are plenty of things he's buying that I don't know about.

This doesn't seem appropriate. The engagement is getting so long that I'm getting worried that the family is taking advantage. Then again, though my brother has no money, he likes playing the big shot. There's every chance they think he's loaded so they think it's cool to load him down with expenses.

He says it is he that is putting off setting a date because he has yet to get a job where she lives. But he's the type that if she insisted, he would go along.

I almost told him today that she "doesn't have to buy the cow, she's getting the milk through the fence." That is, all the advantages of having a second income she is getting right now. Why get married at all?

I don't know, though. What do y'all think?

so are you saying you are concerned she doesnt even want to marry your brother? its hard for me to believe he would be fronting all those bills and not understand how that makes him look... he has to know somethings not right just by the sheer amount of costs hes covering... her gym membership and they live in different states? cmon son.

 

[ThickHair]

I don't see a problem with what he is doing. He wants to do those things for her. If he has not debt and his bills are being paid, where are you getting that he can't afford to do such????

 

[greenandchic]

A man should provide for the lady in his life regardless of how much the lady makes. He shouldn't live beyond his means to provide for her though. Maybe he makes more money than his sister thinks.

Provide even if they don't even live in the same geographic location?

 

[nappystorm]

Provide even if they don't even live in the same geographic location?

Yes.......

 

[FlowerHair]

You guys are all right of course. I need to leave it alone. As long as he's happy. And the reason I know all this is because he tells me (sigh.) I'm the only let in on the secret that he has no money. Everyone else thinks he's rolling in it.

And then again. As much as I think he has no money... well he did pay the 1000+ dollars for the trip up there earlier in the month with all the gifts and givings to her and her family... so I guess he must have it after all... somehow.

No credit card debt. It's other stuff... medical bills, student loans, I guess. That I actually don't know either.

I have not seen them together. The one time she was supposed to come down and meet my dad and I was supposed to drive up, it didn't work out.

She stays in a hotel when she visits because his house is a train wreck and he doesn't want her to see it. He stays in a hotel when he visits because her divorce settlement says she can't have a man stay the night until her daughter is 18. I think the daughter is now, though... not sure about that. Plus he's real puritan about those things. He told me right away they were NOT going to sleep together until they were married (to which I screamed: TMI!!!!)

He's a mess, but a woman would be a fool to pass him up. He would literally give her all his money and obviously would do anything for her. Works hard, no drinking, cussing. Just very disorganized in taking care of himself. All he needs is help getting pointed in the right direction.

Anyway... thanks I feel a little better. Or at least like there's nothing I should be doing. I figured since they were both older that long engagements were kind of unusual. But perhaps not.

Your brother sounds like a wonderful man. I hope he's not spending money he doesn't have.