Not taking advantage of a woman's child-bearing years
1. I didn't read the whole thread, but I found the posts from I Dogg, NTT, CaliMan, and Wewon persuasive. I also liked Cowgirl’s 3rd last post (p. 7, 11:06 am EDT). Pretty interesting discussion with some excellent insight and good practical tips by the end of it.
I lean more towards NTT’s pov that women should be tougher with men. But I found CaliMan’s persuasive as far seeing they find it really hard to do it. I learned some things from CaliMan's well-written posts, they really resonated with what I've seen.
2. NTT wrote on p. 5: “I've been promised a bonus plan on two jobs I've had, and when it didn't materialize and all I got were more promises that it would later, I GOT THE **** OUT. Words don't mean ****, actions mean everything. SHOW ME THE MONEY.”
This is exactly right, and something so many women seem clueless about in so many aspects of business & personal life. Many women can be such suckers for marketing and other scams because they are so focussed on what is "supposed" to be happening that they fail to see, for a long time, what is "actually" happening.
Her: "That's against what he promised. He's not doing what he's supposed to!"
Him: "Yes but that's what he's doing. What are you going to do about it??? Let's talk about that, not about what he's supposed to be doing!"
3. But CaliMan's posts pointed to women's seeming difficulty doing that in many cases. Many sensible women seem to find it really hard to protect themselves when one of us has their heart, fearful of blowing it too soon. I hadn't really thought about that much before reading this discussion. That's why the time-lines suggested in the later posts are so useful IMHO.
Is female reluctance to be more forward (for many women at least) an evolved behaviour so a woman doesn't ditch her guy the second he ****s up, and prematurely toss away everything? I don't know, but a woman's resilience with a guy who isn't perfect can be seen in some ways as one of the bedrocks of a successful marriage (and vice versa).
4. Anyways I can see from this discussion how a guy may have some ethical responsibility at the 2 - 3 yr mark to be straight with a woman if he has doubts about her. Even though it's obvious she should be taking her own action at that point. That's very interesting.
5. I thought Cowgirl’s 3rd last post set out a good practical outlook for time-lines. Interestingly, that is pretty much what worked for my gf and I.
She never pressured me, but we knew from our earliest discussions we were both marriage-minded and interested in kids -- similar to the discussions CaliMan had with his then-gf.
It was just over 2 years of dating when I knew I had to do something. She wasn't pressuring me, but she was 34 yo and had casually mentioned, months earlier, that her doc had suggested she be pregnant by 38 or so (in hindsight a tad late, but that's what she was told). So I knew decision time was coming, given the necessary time-lines for getting married, buying a house, & having kids if I wanted that with her.
The easy part was knowing if she was right for me. The answer was a clear unmitigated "Yes" in every way. Just like one of the posters above wrote (I think it was CaliMan), sometimes you know it's right. No hesitation there.
It was just a little nervousness about jumping into the whole marriage thing and giving up all other options. This would be it for life, if I went for it. (So went my thinking.)
So I decided this was it. I told her about a month later that I saw us getting engaged before another year had passed. She was really happy. That "another year" gave me the space I needed to get my head around all the stuff that was coming. But I had effectively made a commitment to her, and that was fine with her. She knew she was moving in the direction she wanted.
11 months later I proposed and we were married in the year following that.
So the 18 - 24 month time-frame Cowgirl wrote about was about right, although I cannot disagree with the 2 - 3 yr one NTT and CaliMan eventually seemed to agree on.
