Privacy in relationships...

[Fine 4s]

Had many FB convos including one disagreement with SO. And now it's your turn ladies Some believe passwords should be shared or even social networking sites shared. I know quite a few couples with joint FB pages.

I'll agree that having each others passwords may be much (but would gladly agree to this) but what about random email or social network check ups?
If you're not hiding anything, why is it wrong or frowned upon to ask you're SO "let me see your FB inbox" or other networking sites? *duck*

And for those who think it's an invasion of privacy, if you were granted permission to view and found out about inappropriate emails going on, would you keep checking and/ or change the rules? We all have the right to our personal space but in what way, our thoughts, our choices our freedom to act as we please. I'm having a hard time marrying the two thoughts.

IDK- I feel like if I want to see the inbox it shouldn't be an issue. It's like saying its none of your business and well, do you want to marry someone that says that to you or makes you feel like you do not have access to all of him? SO sees it as an invasion of privacy. I can see it that way somewhat but....I'm stuck on if you're not doing anything why is it such an issue? What exactly is the reasonable expectation of privacy? How much do you really have to know before marrying someone? My nana always said to never write anything you don't want other people to read...

Hmmm....I'm curious what your thoughts are maybe I can see the light because I'm all for total transparency.

 

[hopeful]

For me, I have private conversations between myself and girlfriends that dh doesn't need to be privy too. He doesn't need to know all of their business either IMO. I think everyone deserves to have some privacy. I generally believe that if something needs to come to light it will. I wouldn't want someone combing through my email and Facebook messages. At some point either you trust the person or you don't. In relationships at some point you have to accept that you are taking a risk. Another human being always has the potential of letting you down or deceiving you.

 

[MzLady78]

Umm, no. I would not give an SO my password or let them check my email. Either you trust me or you don't.

Also, say I did let you. Just because you don't find anything doesn't mean I'm not doing ish, maybe I'm just smart enough not to leave a trail. So I don't see how having access to all that would/should give you a greater sense of security.

 

[lesedi]

No to handing out passwords. We all know instinctively when something isn't right in a relationship and we need to trust that. I have done my fair share of checking phones and scouring facebook walls but it reeks of thirst to me nowadays.

I want a man who feels secure in the relationship and in himself.

 

[Son26]

I wouldn't have a problem sharing a password with my husband. Most of my very personal interactions - things I wouldn't want anyone to see/hear - takes place mainly over the phone (not online).

 

[MzLady78]

For me, I have private conversations between myself and girlfriends that dh doesn't need to be privy too. He doesn't need to know all of their business either IMO. I think everyone deserves to have some privacy. I generally believe that if something needs to come to light it will. I wouldn't want someone combing through my email and Facebook messages. At some point either you trust the person or you don't. In relationships at some point you have to accept that you are taking a risk. Another human being always has the potential of letting you down or deceiving you.

I think more people need to realize this. I don't put anything past anyone because I know as humans, we're all fallible.

 

[RocStar]

This isn't about privacy, it is about trust.

 

[MzLady78]

This isn't about privacy, it is about trust.

Exactly.

But as far as privacy goes, I just don't believe it's something you should have to give up completely just because you're with someone.

 

[Fine 4s]

lesedi

Why were you checking?

hopeful,
ITA with what is done in the dark will always come light...
I don't think partners should know friends businesses either.
My personal thoughts are also usually via phone after I left my email open and well...not so nice things were expressed. BTW, what if your partner left emails etc. open? Would you look?

MzLady78,
True but what if that privacy comes in the form of other things? For example, the couples on FB with the joint pages, what drove that decision and is it a matter of privacy as well? That's why I'm wondering WHERE does privacy come in, in what areas of life?

 

[lesedi]

lesedi

Why were you checking?

Fine 4s
Gut instinct and possessiveness borne out of insecurity. Not cute.
What's even more lame is that I found incriminating stuff but wasn't brave enough to call him out on it...in case he left.

So happy to be in a place where my love for myself counts more than perceived love from the man in my life.

 

[tyrablu]

At this point in my life, I'm not into the checking phone, email, etc. If my spidey senses are tingling, then we have a talk. Sooner or later everything will be revealed IMO.

 

[Fine 4s]

lesedi

I remember chatting with an acquaintance who was married and he told me that if his wife saw our email she'd be upset. He was sharing relationship advice. Nothing inappropriate. He said she'd be wondering, why he thought he was an expert? Lol point being anything can be incriminating depending on how you spin it...

 

[hopeful]

hopeful,
ITA with what is done in the dark will always come light...
I don't think partners should know friends businesses either.
My personal thoughts are also usually via phone after I left my email open and well...not so nice things were expressed. BTW, what if your partner left emails etc. open? Would you look?

Of course .

 

[Fine 4s]

I wouldn't.
I'd say "awww my baby forgot to close the browser" and close it for him.

Teehee...

 

[LunadeMiel]

DH has all of my passwords and I have all of his. Sometimes I ask him to check something in my email or vice versa.

 

[Fine 4s]

LunadeMiel
Do you feel like you don't have privacy?

 

[LunadeMiel]

LunadeMiel
Do you feel like you don't have privacy?

Not really. There isn't anything that I do that I wouldn't want DH to know about. If I want to vent to someone, I just to it over the phone.

 

[PeaceFlow]

I like my privacy, so I respect others privacy. Ive known passwords in relationships, but don't look if there is no sign that I need to. If a guy asked explicitly to see my texts, or emails I'd see it as a red flag.

As long as my SO's aren't jumping if I randomly walk in when they have browsers/ inbox on the screen, or ALWAYS making sure they have their phone with them at ALL TIMES, or not answering calls when I'm in the room etc..I'm ok. If a partner leaves their inbox showing I usually just sign them out 99% of the time. If I thought something wasn't right then I would investigate probably lol.

In the event something seems "off" with their behaviour I don't see it as an invasion of privacy. In some cases it's looking after ones sexual health when a partner is lying about not stepping out

 

[Fine 4s]

Vanthie

In the event something seems "off" with their behaviour I don't see it as an invasion of privacy. In some cases it's looking after ones sexual health when a partner is lying about not stepping out

Then again, if one believes its wrong to "check up" the shouldn't it be if limits in any scenario? Why Ok in some and not others?
Sexual health is indeed a strong argument or reason but an excuse nevertheless. My thought is, I I'm worrying about my sexual health, I should have been long gone...

 

[PeaceFlow]

I think there are people who think its wrong to check in any situation.

Judging by what I've seen a lot of men and women don't leave at the first sign that something isn't right, especially if they are being reassured. In those situations I think checking is what they needed to finally wake up to the truth.

I've always thought if there was an off vibe and the person leaves stuff open, then I understand people looking/clicking. If I left my inbox open and there was something right on the front page like "Hi Sexy" from Michael, I would understand a partner clicking on it and having a vested interest If a partner tried to get into my inbox for no reason whatsoever, just curiosity, I'd be very pissed. Or if I left my stuff open and there was nothing on the front page, but they searched through more pages looking for stuff, again for no reason, I'd also be pissed.

It would have to be either right in the persons eyesight, or they would have to have good reason that I'm not trustworthy for me to not be so angry lol. Rather than not seeing it as an invasion of privacy, I find it more understandable in certain circumstances.

I'm prob not the best person because I've never wanted to read anyone's inbox, except maybe once. Even when I have access/passwords. Never gone through a phone either, beyond seeing a front page by accident. To the other question, if I saw anything dodgy I wouldn't stay with him so there would be no checking back. Although I also understand why people might get into that checking cycle if they stay through inappropriateness, even though it doesn't seem healthy.

 

[pearcey]

if hubby asks, I tell him.

otherwise, it isn't so much keeping secrets as just having a life or space outside of him, or anyone for that matter.

As we progress and improve in our 12 years of togetherness, passwords, past lives, LOL, are up for grabs...

now, if i am writing in my journal, or to my imaginary friends in candyland and hubby is there and asks what i am doing i tell him.

usually it is more just out of nosiness than actually being concerned about some covert actions. goes both ways...

we have an amazingly transparent, open relationship [not sexually where others are included] where everything is fair game. it works amazingly for us. everything is open for discussion...

 

[Lurkee]

if hubby asks, I tell him.

otherwise, it isn't so much keeping secrets as just having a life or space outside of him, or anyone for that matter.

As we progress and improve in our 12 years of togetherness, passwords, past lives, LOL, are up for grabs...

now, if i am writing in my journal, or to my imaginary friends in candyland and hubby is there and asks what i am doing i tell him.

usually it is more just out of nosiness than actually being concerned about some covert actions. goes both ways...

we have an amazingly transparent, open relationship [not sexually where others are included] where everything is fair game. it works amazingly for us. everything is open for discussion...

I agree with this post. I believe that level when you are totally transparent with each other is a good place to be. I don't go snooping in my SO's email but I have passwords to everything even bank info.

I would hate for my SO to deny me access because then I feel he is hiding something. I probably feel this way because we have been together so long.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

Had many FB convos including one disagreement with SO. And now it's your turn ladies Some believe passwords should be shared or even social networking sites shared. I know quite a few couples with joint FB pages.

I'll agree that having each others passwords may be much (but would gladly agree to this) but what about random email or social network check ups?
If you're not hiding anything, why is it wrong or frowned upon to ask you're SO "let me see your FB inbox" or other networking sites? *duck*

And for those who think it's an invasion of privacy, if you were granted permission to view and found out about inappropriate emails going on, would you keep checking and/ or change the rules? We all have the right to our personal space but in what way, our thoughts, our choices our freedom to act as we please. I'm having a hard time marrying the two thoughts.

IDK- I feel like if I want to see the inbox it shouldn't be an issue. It's like saying its none of your business and well, do you want to marry someone that says that to you or makes you feel like you do not have access to all of him? SO sees it as an invasion of privacy. I can see it that way somewhat but....I'm stuck on if you're not doing anything why is it such an issue? What exactly is the reasonable expectation of privacy? How much do you really have to know before marrying someone? My nana always said to never write anything you don't want other people to read...

Hmmm....I'm curious what your thoughts are maybe I can see the light because I'm all for total transparency.

To me its not an issue of privacy but of trust.

As others have written having passwords and trolling through emails/social sites is not going to change someone who is untrustworty trustworthy - it will just make them smarter about doing dirt. You need to get this because having passwords will not give you the peace you seek or satisfy the need to know. Being intimate and close with someone does not mean taking over 100% of their life.

Having nothing to hide does not give you the right to inspect.

Joint FB pages and emails are indicative of deeper issues (IMO) but hey if they like it I love it but for me personally its a no.

Your SO is not your child. If you constantly treat someone as if they are untrustworthy then they will rebel and not share anything with you which is reinforcing your fear of not being close. Having passwords will not bring security to a union that is on sinking sand.

 

[brittle_hair]

@Fine 4s
Gut instinct and possessiveness borne out of insecurity. Not cute.
What's even more lame is that I found incriminating stuff but wasn't brave enough to call him out on it...in case he left.

So happy to be in a place where my love for myself counts more than perceived love from the man in my life.

What did you find and why didnt you confront him? Was there not enough evidence?

 

[GeorginaSparks]

I have his passwords and he has "some" of mine. He knows im a snoop and obv doesnt care.

 

[lesedi]

What did you find and why didnt you confront him? Was there not enough evidence?

brittle_hair
There were obvious (sexual) texts from girls. When you are young and needy and insecure and stupid, nothing will make you leave the man. Which is why I don't even understand why I bothered snooping.

Cheating aside, that was not a relationship I should have been in in the first place.

Youth is wasted on the young lol

 

[brittle_hair]

^^^ Ok, well at least it's in the past.

 

[ThickHair]

Either he trust me or he doesn't, I don't have time for BS. All that snooping and monitoring is tiring.

Plus some folks could have evidence and still not believe what is going down.

 

[CocoBunny]

I have no secrets from DH. He has the passwords to everything. I have his also. As for private email/text discussions w/friends; I don't have any. All my friends/family know that I don't keep secrets from DH; not even theirs so if they don't want him to know then don't tell me. The thing is that DH is so NOT interested my friends/family drama and even if I wanted to talk about it he wouldn't listen.

 

[MD_Lady]

But why would you want to see it? Better yet, if someone isn't giving you any reason to think that they're being deceitful, why do you feel you need to see it? To answer the question, snooping doesn't interest me. If I have a question, I'll ask it. If I have a suspicion, I'll address it. But to scan his inbox "just because"? No.

Umm, no. I would not give an SO my password or let them check my email. Either you trust me or you don't.

Also, say I did let you. Just because you don't find anything doesn't mean I'm not doing ish, maybe I'm just smart enough not to leave a trail. So I don't see how having access to all that would/should give you a greater sense of security.

^^THIS. You can't keep tabs on a person or monitor everything they say and do 365/24/7 and trying or deluding yourself into thinking you can is a waste of time and energy.