Possessive Men...

cocoberry10

cocoberry10

Well-Known Member
What are the signs?

I was just discussing this with a friend of mine. I fear that her current SO is going to become an abusive man. She thinks I’m overreacting. What are the signs of a possessive/jealous/abusive SO/spouse? Actually, she thinks it’s cute that he’s always so pressed to know everything she’s doing, who she’s talking to, etc. He calls her like a million times a day. She says no guy has ever taken such an interest in her! I’m like :eek::eek: that’s because all the other guys you’ve dated were NORMAL. I honestly think at this point in her life, she’s starving for attention. I worry about her!
 
I can understand you being concerned about her I would be to. One of the biggest mistakes women make is thinking that is cute.
 
You have every reason to be worried about her, IMO she is in the beginning stages of the worse type of relationship there is between a man and a woman.:sad: Control and domination :nono: not cute.
 
cocoberry10 said:
What are the signs?

I was just discussing this with a friend of mine. I fear that her current SO is going to become an abusive man. She thinks I’m overreacting. What are the signs of a possessive/jealous/abusive SO/spouse? Actually, she thinks it’s cute that he’s always so pressed to know everything she’s doing, who she’s talking to, etc. He calls her like a million times a day. She says no guy has ever taken such an interest in her! I’m like :eek::eek: that’s because all the other guys you’ve dated were NORMAL. I honestly think at this point in her life, she’s starving for attention. I worry about her!
Click to expand...

This is quite a good link to learn the warning signs of abuse.

HTH
 
He’s “okay” to me, but I think he’s concerned about our friendship. He doesn’t like the idea of her hanging around me too much (he’s told her this). I’m already starting to feel a wedge in our friendship, but I know there’s nothing I can do. She’s been single for a while, and she admitted to me that she really craves the attention—and this is what really scares me. See, when we’re vulnerable for attention, that’s when we find ourselves in these situations. I know she’s been lonely, but I fear for her future. And as strange as it sounds, I actually think she likes him being all into checking on her, etc. Her last boyfriend was emotionally distant. Even though he didn’t abuse her/cheat on her, he wasn’t a very loving boyfriend. So I think she’s hungry for this and she’s equating it with love.
 
Wanting to know where you are or what you're doing at all times....Trying to tell you what to do.... Not wanting you to be out alone or around your friends and family.
 
Well, I hope it all works out for your friend. Also, you're right--you wont be able to do much based on what you have already said. Maybe you can possibly giver her the articles anonymously somehow.
 
bmoreflyygirl said:
Wanting to know where you are or what you're doing at all times....Trying to tell you what to do.... Not wanting you to be out alone or around your friends and family.
Click to expand...

I think this is the point they’re getting to. And it makes me so:wallbash: especially since I can't force her to ditch him! I feel like her esteem has gotten so low, and I wish there was something I could do to help. She’s physically beautiful, but has no idea. She’s one of the kindest people I know (she will help anyone in any situation). And she’s so smart and successful—well educated, has a great job, and just a really smart brain. I think guys don’t appreciate her, and that’s what I think lead her to this situation. I truly believe her last BF was jealous of her, but she didn’t realize it. He was extraordinarily handsome and even though she was beautiful, she had to deal with jealous females, and this started to make her think she wasn’t “good enough” for him. Couple that with his sense of not being “good enough” for her, and this was a recipe for disaster. She got into law school, but he was in a master’s program (this is why he didn’t think he was good enough). Even though she didn’t care, he did (her ex-boyfriend). His friends clowned him that his girl was going to be bigger than him. Eventually, this took its toll on their relationship and they broke up. He wasn’t abusive or possessive of her, but he started to become emotionally distant. That’s why I think she craves so much attention now! And this is what I think lead to the other extreme of relationships—a possessive, jealous jerk!:nono:
 
Twisties said:
here's another site on the signs of too: http://www.enotalone.com/article/4112.html

have you met the guy and how does he treat you as her friend?

that sudden shower of attention can temporarily blind a person, but it is usually the first sign that something is "off".

I really hope this is not the case with your friend's SO.
Click to expand...

After reading this link, I’m picturing Heidi and Spencer from “The Hills.” And it’s so crazy b/c he proposed to her on last week’s episode:eek:
 
I would add to the warnings:
He disrepects her in private
She makes changes to herself like if she used to always wear makeup but all of sudden she stops because he don't like it; stuff like that
​
This is a tough one Cocoberry. Does your friend have a good relationship with her father? Even if her father was at home, was he emotionally distant. Did he ignore his daughter? Fathers are a woman's first love for the opposite sex. If a woman is beautiful, educated, and wonderful, that may mean nothing to her because she may not understand why her father didn't or won't spend any time with her as a child or adult. She may be looking for that attention she didn't get from her father from men.

If you are close to her family, express your concerns to a male family member. Hopefully, he will have a talk with her. If this isn't possible, I suggest you remain a friend because sooner or later she will cry for help. Hopefully, it will be sooner instead of later.
 
tatiana said:
I would add to the warnings:
He disrepects her in private
She makes changes to herself like if she used to always wear makeup but all of sudden she stops because he don't like it; stuff like that
​
This is a tough one Cocoberry. Does your friend have a good relationship with her father? Even if her father was at home, was he emotionally distant. Did he ignore his daughter? Fathers are a woman's first love for the opposite sex. If a woman is beautiful, educated, and wonderful, that may mean nothing to her because she may not understand why her father didn't or won't spend any time with her as a child or adult. She may be looking for that attention she didn't get from her father from men.

If you are close to her family, express your concerns to a male family member. Hopefully, he will have a talk with her. If this isn't possible, I suggest you remain a friend because sooner or later she will cry for help. Hopefully, it will be sooner instead of later.
Click to expand...

Thanks for this advice. I definitely think it’s a good idea to speak with the male family members and I will do it!
 
Also, I should probably add this (to be completely truthful). Although she is physically beautiful, I think she has a complex about it. Where we grew up, most of the black boys only dated white girls/non-black girls (but mostly white girls). I guess you could say that made all of us feel a little less attractive, but I think she still secretly struggles with feeling like she is pretty (even though she is). When we went to college, the black boys loved us:lol:, but I think the wouding from childhood was still there. I can’t help but wonder if this has some impact on her even today. We’re still pretty young (only in our 20’s). It seems that she had a pretty close relationship with her dad, but since I didn’t grow up in the house, I can’t really say with 100% accuracy. I hope this clarifies.
 
Oh wow... I have an acquaintance (not really a "friend") who I suspect may be in this same exact situation!

Maybe not to the same extreme, but still... I studied psychology at Uni, so here are a few warning signs....

-Guy gets excessively jealous especially if you're around other guys
-Guy latches onto you quickly
-The relationship progress fast and seems almost "too good to be true" (at first)
-He eventually isolates you from your family or friends

With this acquaintance of mine, she loves attention from guys, so it's no surprise that this guy that is showering her with attention is appealing to her. Not only that, but he craves attention from girls/women, so it's almost like they're both feeding off of each other. :ohwell:

It's like a drug, because all of this "attention" can be very seductive and alluring at first. She may think that because he wants to know her whereabouts 24/7 means that he REALLY loves her. She may be flattered if he gets jealous when she talks to other guys. It makes her feel loved/cared for.

But this is not normal. The guy is insecure. It may not be a huge big deal right about now, but just let your friend know that her bf's behavior COULD turn into a real problem and controlling/dominance issue. Some guys even get verbally, emotionally, or physically abusive! So....it's no light matter.

I have met the bf of my acquaintance, and what is most scary about possesive/abusive men is that RARELy do they ever always seem possessive. Most of the time her bf can be very very charming, nice, and really a guy that is too good to be true! He buys her things all the time, tells her she's wonderful, and does a lot of nice things for her. But, he also has a dark side.

Here are some other links to some good articles:

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/signs.htm

http://www.belmontpd.org/Divisions/DV/dvwarnsigns.htm

http://abuse101.com/theabuser.html
 
Crystalicequeen123 said:
Oh wow... I have an acquaintance (not really a "friend") who I suspect may be in this same exact situation!

Maybe not to the same extreme, but still... I studied psychology at Uni, so here are a few warning signs....

-Guy gets excessively jealous especially if you're around other guys
-Guy latches onto you quickly
-The relationship progress fast and seems almost "too good to be true" (at first)
-He eventually isolates you from your family or friends

With this acquaintance of mine, she loves attention from guys, so it's no surprise that this guy that is showering her with attention is appealing to her. Not only that, but he craves attention from girls/women, so it's almost like they're both feeding off of each other. :ohwell:

It's like a drug, because all of this "attention" can be very seductive and alluring at first. She may think that because he wants to know her whereabouts 24/7 means that he REALLY loves her. She may be flattered if he gets jealous when she talks to other guys. It makes her feel loved/cared for.

But this is not normal. The guy is insecure. It may not be a huge big deal right about now, but just let your friend know that her bf's behavior COULD turn into a real problem and controlling/dominance issue. Some guys even get verbally, emotionally, or physically abusive! So....it's no light matter.

I have met the bf of my acquaintance, and what is most scary about possesive/abusive men is that RARELy do they ever always seem possessive. Most of the time her bf can be very very charming, nice, and really a guy that is too good to be true! He buys her things all the time, tells her she's wonderful, and does a lot of nice things for her. But, he also has a dark side.

Here are some other links to some good articles:

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/signs.htm

http://www.belmontpd.org/Divisions/DV/dvwarnsigns.htm

http://abuse101.com/theabuser.html
Click to expand...

Thanks for this info! Yeah, he is very charming to most. I just noticed he is very possessive of her, b/c it seems like he’s always calling her, or she’s always calling him to tell him exactly what she’s doing. Like one day, we were out, and she had told him she would be going to the mall/to do some errands. Then we decided instead to go to the movies. And she was called to tell him this (change of plans). That was fine. But then we decided to see another movie and she called to tell him this, and I thought WTH! I mean, it wasn’t like the movie times were different, or like she was going to be an hour late. It seems like she needs his permission to do everything and that’s what scares me???!
 
Wow...I didn't realize until reading some of the links that a guy I was involved with a few months back had some of these signs. He was always quick to point out my physical faults, had mean things to say in a "joking" manner, his moods would shift and he snapped at me once for taking a phone call from my dad. It culminated in him shoving me into a door at my apt. while I was on the phone with one of my friends, and when I attempted to side step him he slammed me into the door again so hard I almost fell to the ground...and I'm not a small girl. Of course I saw that, because that's obvious...but as these links point out, there are always signs before things get physical. I'm so glad that's over...I realize how bad it could have been.

Coco...I hope things turn out okay with your friend. That's truly scary.
 
The signs for me have been:

  • Pursuing the woman very hard
  • Calling all day, sometimes to not say much at all
  • Sending all types of gifts and flowers to your place of business
  • Popping up at your place of business unannounced
  • Saying I love you in less than 1 month
  • Obsession with physical features
----All of that is what I call the honey moon stage of a relationship with one of these men---

  • Once he has you smitten, he starts wanting ALL of your time and gets jealous if you mention anything much about spending time with your family
  • He wants for you to move in with him rather soon
  • He bad talks your friends and thinks that you should cut most of them out of your life, because he claims that they don't like him (usually your friends will pick up something about him is to why they don't like him much)
  • In your first verbal fight he convinces you that it was you who made him upset because of something you did. Then after you feel bad, apologizes and wants to make love to you.
  • Blames a lot of what's wrong with him on you. E.G. I lost my job because I spent all my time pursuing you and spending all of my lunch hour at yours (unannounced ofcourse... no one asked him to do all of that) So ofcourse he wants for you to feel guilty and feel as if you owe him something
Basically in this relationship, because he has been "so wonderful" from the beginning and has done "so much" for you. When things start to change for the worse for him, he starts to see the woman as the source of all of his problems, or that she owes him all of herself mind,body, and soul. If you are too happy on a day when he isn't he'll swear you are cheating and then all of the imaginery things pop up into the relationship that cause it to become bad and like a jail!

I'm skipping a lot of in between, but this has been some of my experience in dealing with one of those types in the past!
 
Good thread....

Here are some additional danger signs:

  • Telling you how you should dress (in a demanding or manipulative way).
  • Obsessively inquiring about where you are going when you're not with him.
  • Constantly interfering with your social plans.
  • Excessive phone calls to inquire about your whereabouts.
  • Putting you down and anything that makes you feel inferior.
  • An aggressive temper and unreasonable attitude about minor details.
 
You know, it's hard to gain perspective on these kinds of things when it's happening to you.

My ex called me constantly (if I didn't answer my regular cell, he would call the cell he bought for me to use for only him, and then he would call my home phone, and back and forth and back and forth until I picked up), wanted to know who I was talking to at all times, did not want me to see some of my friends he disapproved of, wanted all the minute details of my day, hacked into my email account etc. In turn, I would rebel by flirting with men to get to him and pay him back for oppressing me. I did not realize what a cycle we were trapped in and how stifled I felt until we broke up. I remember one day after we broke up, the phone rang and it was him. I found myself running to pick it up with my heart pounding lest he think I was up to no good if I missed the call. And then I stopped. I let it ring and go to voicemail, and it turned out that he had called me by accident. It was then that it really dawned on me how much his phone calls had dominated my life. He called and I snapped right back into that OMG ANSWER BEFORE HE GETS MAD!!! mode. Imagine, I did not fully realize how possessive he was and how much it really, really, got to me until after our relationship ended.

He was not ever physically or verbally abusive, but he was possessive as heck and it ran me ragged without me even realizing it. His questions especially eroded my sense of self--he was always interrogating me and having me review conversations we had had and things that had happened over and over again until he found even the most minute inconsistency to grill me on. I would act out in uncharacteristic ways out of frustration and he would respond by clamping down even harder on me and I would let him because I felt guilty, until I couldn't take it any more and acted out again and so on. Endless cycle. Possessiveness is a very tricky thing because it is not as overt as physical or verbal abuse, but it wears you down just as much.
 
Last edited:
Cincysweetie said:
Wow...I didn't realize until reading some of the links that a guy I was involved with a few months back had some of these signs. He was always quick to point out my physical faults, had mean things to say in a "joking" manner, his moods would shift and he snapped at me once for taking a phone call from my dad. It culminated in him shoving me into a door at my apt. while I was on the phone with one of my friends, and when I attempted to side step him he slammed me into the door again so hard I almost fell to the ground...and I'm not a small girl. Of course I saw that, because that's obvious...but as these links point out, there are always signs before things get physical. I'm so glad that's over...I realize how bad it could have been.

Coco...I hope things turn out okay with your friend. That's truly scary.
Click to expand...


Wow girl I'm glad its over too.....the reason I ressurected this thread was cause I recently meet this guy ( well Labor day) and I didn't feel like talking to him since I meet him cause I had a feeling he would be a serious right away kind of guy and although I want a serious realtionship , I have some things I had to take care of in my life before getting involved...


Long story short.... at the end of Nov. we finally spoke and started talking more.....In the span of 2 weeks he called me everyday, in the first couple of days he called more than once a day.... but he stopped that I guess because I was not catching all his calls then the thing was I missed a few of his calls.and...he made a comment about that.....

"why didn't you answer my call":blush: I was like HUH...... I tried to play it off or rather laugh it off...but he mentioned it 4 or 5 times after that.... I didn't like it...and I asked him, has he ever been called possesive? ( Now I know full well he isn't going to say....SURE, I'm a maniac, but that was the only way I could think to bring it up and let him know it bothered me that he asked me "why" I missed his phone call.....

Do you think that is normal for a guy to do this?
 
Last edited:
cocoberry10 said:
They are still together. She has asserted herself with him more, and he doesn't like it. I will keep you all updated.
Click to expand...

Oh ok....w o w

In what ways has she asserted herself? How do you know he doesnt like it?


See I think this possessive thing is real dangerous cause women can be like.....awwww he really likes me when ........ but actually its something else....


Thanks COco for responding and
Please keep us posted.....
 
Energist said:
The signs for me have been:
  • Pursuing the woman very hard
  • Calling all day, sometimes to not say much at all
  • Sending all types of gifts and flowers to your place of business
  • Popping up at your place of business unannounced
  • Saying I love you in less than 1 month
  • Obsession with physical features
----All of that is what I call the honey moon stage of a relationship with one of these men---
  • Once he has you smitten, he starts wanting ALL of your time and gets jealous if you mention anything much about spending time with your family
  • He wants for you to move in with him rather soon
  • He bad talks your friends and thinks that you should cut most of them out of your life, because he claims that they don't like him (usually your friends will pick up something about him is to why they don't like him much)
  • In your first verbal fight he convinces you that it was you who made him upset because of something you did. Then after you feel bad, apologizes and wants to make love to you.
  • Blames a lot of what's wrong with him on you. E.G. I lost my job because I spent all my time pursuing you and spending all of my lunch hour at yours (unannounced ofcourse... no one asked him to do all of that) So ofcourse he wants for you to feel guilty and feel as if you owe him something
Basically in this relationship, because he has been "so wonderful" from the beginning and has done "so much" for you. When things start to change for the worse for him, he starts to see the woman as the source of all of his problems, or that she owes him all of herself mind,body, and soul. If you are too happy on a day when he isn't he'll swear you are cheating and then all of the imaginery things pop up into the relationship that cause it to become bad and like a jail!

I'm skipping a lot of in between, but this has been some of my experience in dealing with one of those types in the past!
Click to expand...

Wow...ok I think I dodged a bullet:ohwell:

he wanted to see me days in a row.....like if we are out Sat....he is like, what are you doing tomorrow:look: my inside was like .....oh boy...
 
sonce said:
You know, it's hard to gain perspective on these kinds of things when it's happening to you.

My ex called me constantly (if I didn't answer my regular cell, he would call the cell he bought for me to use for only him, and then he would call my home phone, and back and forth and back and forth until I picked up), wanted to know who I was talking to at all times, did not want me to see some of my friends he disapproved of, wanted all the minute details of my day, hacked into my email account etc. In turn, I would rebel by flirting with men to get to him and pay him back for oppressing me. I did not realize what a cycle we were trapped in and how stifled I felt until we broke up. I remember one day after we broke up, the phone rang and it was him. I found myself running to pick it up with my heart pounding lest he think I was up to no good if I missed the call. And then I stopped. I let it ring and go to voicemail, and it turned out that he had called me by accident. It was then that it really dawned on me how much his phone calls had dominated my life. He called and I snapped right back into that OMG ANSWER BEFORE HE GETS MAD!!! mode. Imagine, I did not fully realize how possessive he was and how much it really, really, got to me until after our relationship ended.

He was not ever physically or verbally abusive, but he was possessive as heck and it ran me ragged without me even realizing it. His questions especially eroded my sense of self--he was always interrogating me and having me review conversations we had had and things that had happened over and over again until he found even the most minute inconsistency to grill me on. I would act out in uncharacteristic ways out of frustration and he would respond by clamping down even harder on me and I would let him because I felt guilty, until I couldn't take it any more and acted out again and so on. Endless cycle. Possessiveness is a very tricky thing because it is not as overt as physical or verbal abuse, but it wears you down just as much.
Click to expand...


Wow, he elude to buying me a new phone that way I wouldn't miss his phone calls and why don't I carry my phone in my pocket like him...I said I don't have pockets....he said oh ok, I'm going to "buy you pockets"
:perplexed
 
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