Open Relationships Anyone?

L

lovemyhair

Member
I am in sort of a dilemma and need some advice.

I have been dating this guy for about 1 year now. He is really fun and we have had alot of good times together. Recently, I found out that he was creeping with another chick(s) and he confessed and asked that we remain together but this time it would be an open relationship. He says he loves me but can't commit now because there is too much involved. He says it's a benefit for the both of us. Putting aside the fact that he cheated and we had a mutual agreement in the beginning that we would be exclusive, this is so bizarre to me. I am hurting and still want to be with him cause he adds excitement to my life. I adore this man but it's obvious to me that he doesn't feel the same. Am I wrong? Do you think an open relationship is a normal thing? I was in a marriage for 14 years and didn't date anyone prior to being married. So the dating thing is all new to me. Am I missing something? Are open relationships the norm now? I feel like I’ve been played big time. He says he loves me but this is the way it has to be if I want to be with him.

Confused
 
lovemyhair said:
I am in sort of a dilemma and need some advice.

I have been dating this guy for about 1 year now. He is really fun and we have had alot of good times together. Recently, I found out that he was creeping with another chick(s) and he confessed and asked that we remain together but this time it would be an open relationship. He says he loves me but can't commit now because there is too much involved. He says it's a benefit for the both of us. Putting aside the fact that he cheated and we had a mutual agreement in the beginning that we would be exclusive, this is so bizarre to me. I am hurting and still want to be with him cause he adds excitement to my life. I adore this man but it's obvious to me that he doesn't feel the same. Am I wrong? Do you think an open relationship is a normal thing? I was in a marriage for 14 years and didn't date anyone prior to being married. So the dating thing is all new to me. Am I missing something? Are open relationships the norm now? I feel like I’ve been played big time. He says he loves me but this is the way it has to be if I want to be with him.

Confused
Click to expand...

You're not missing anything. Open relationships are cool as long as it is OK with both person. If one person has a problem with it then it is up to that person to walk. If he loves you, he would not have a problem being with just you. He may be exciting and all but it seem as if you guys have different expectations in this relationship.
 
To be honest with you, it's ultimately up to you. If it's too painful for you to be with him knowing that he's with someone else, I would break it off. But at least he's being honest with you, he's not ready to commit. If that's what you want, he's not that guy, ya know? I don't know if open relationships are in the norm, but there's a lot more cheating going on nowadays. If you want a monogamous relationship, break it off. But if you can be with him and see other people and are comfortable with that, then do it. I think that open relationships are definitely going on, you just have to be open minded and try not to get your feelings too hurt once you know he's with the other chick, and vice versa. Just my .02
 
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I was gonna post a thread about open relationships on Monday.

Am I wrong? NO
Do you think an open relationship is a normal thing? NO
Am I missing something? NO
Are open relationships the norm now? NO

I don't think I could be in that relationship, he seems selfish. I haven't been in that situation so I don't know. If he doesn't feel the same way about you as you feel about him I think you'll be the one giving and doing and in the end hurt and wasting years of your life.
 
Ok this is the part where u tell him to kick rocks:lachen:. I'll never understand fro the life of me why people do this. There is so much disease and broken homes (baby mama drama) and he wants an open realtionship? Does the other girl know? Do u want to be kissing on, huggin on and sharing ur stuff with him and the other girl? what if one one u gets preggers then what? How u gonna feel when u may run into him with her or he can't spend time with u cuz hes with her?

I see u mentioned u were married previously and are now divorced. I dunno the reason behind ur divorce, but now that u are free and single find urself someone who can love and appreciate all of u and just u. U deserve it. I know its tough when u are in love with someone and u must be confused becuase u feel betrayed, but I'm offended for u. it seems like he's really feelin girl B and is not willin got let her go. So the only way u can be with him is if he can be with her too?

JERK:mad:
 
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lovemyhair said:
I am in sort of a dilemma and need some advice.

I have been dating this guy for about 1 year now. He is really fun and we have had alot of good times together. Recently, I found out that he was creeping with another chick(s) and he confessed and asked that we remain together but this time it would be an open relationship. He says he loves me but can't commit now because there is too much involved. He says it's a benefit for the both of us. Putting aside the fact that he cheated and we had a mutual agreement in the beginning that we would be exclusive, this is so bizarre to me. I am hurting and still want to be with him cause he adds excitement to my life. I adore this man but it's obvious to me that he doesn't feel the same. Am I wrong? Do you think an open relationship is a normal thing? I was in a marriage for 14 years and didn't date anyone prior to being married. So the dating thing is all new to me. Am I missing something? Are open relationships the norm now? I feel like I’ve been played big time. He says he loves me but this is the way it has to be if I want to be with him.

Confused
Click to expand...

Open relationships only work when it's what both people want. It sounds to me that you may agree to this only because "it's the way it has be if you want to be with him", not because you're okay with it. If he wanted this type of relationship, he should have been up front about it from the jump without you finding out he was messing with other chicks.

Do not settle. If he's not ready to commit to just you and that's what you want, send him on his way.
 
Keen said:
You're not missing anything. Open relationships are cool as long as it is OK with both person. If one person has a problem with it then it is up to that person to walk. If he loves you, he would not have a problem being with just you. He may be exciting and all but it seem as if you guys have different expectations in this relationship.
Click to expand...

I agree!! The parameters of the relationship should be based on what BOTH parties are comfortable doing. I know that an open relationship wouldn't work for me so as much as I cared about someone and had fun with him in the long run it's not what I would want. So I say REALLY evaluate what you want and if it's to be with someone exclusively (as you the agreement you had prior to you finding out about his creeping) then this isn't the guy for you. Not to mention I wouldn't trust him anyway since he's proven he can't be trusted and now wants to have an "open relationship" so he can be a player in the open. Well the question is Ms. Lady, what do you want?
 
I have friends who are in an open relationship. They have been together for 7 years now. They live together but, see other people alone and together. It has worked out well for them in the pass but, now that one partner is ready to move on they are having problems. The relationship started because they both found out that they had cheated on one another.
 
blasianbeauty said:
To be honest with you, it's ultimately up to you. If it's too painful for you to be with him knowing that he's with someone else, I would break it off. But at least he's being honest with you, he's not ready to commit. If that's what you want, he's not that guy, ya know? I don't know if open relationships are in the norm, but there's a lot more cheating going on nowadays. If you want a monogamous relationship, break it off. But if you can be with him and see other people and are comfortable with that, then do it. I think that open relationships are definitely going on, you just have to be open minded and try not to get your feelings too hurt once you know he's with the other chick, and vice versa. Just my .02
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it would have been better if he was honest from jump about not wanting to commit. I agree with everything else blasian said. personally i couldnt do an open relationship too much sleeping around but ultimately it's up to you. you have to know what you want and what you are comfortable with.
 
locabouthair said:
it would have been better if he was honest from jump about not wanting to commit.I agree with everything else blasian said. personally i couldnt do an open relationship too much sleeping around but ultimately it's up to you. you have to know what you want and what you are comfortable with.
Click to expand...

That's true too but you know things change and people change. Maybe he wanted to be with just her at first but now wants to play the field. At least when he got caught, he didn't say "he's sorry, he'll never cheat again and only wants to be with her." Now the OP has the option to stay with him with knowing the deal or bounce.
 
Here is my opinion (and I am person in a non-conventional marriage): Open relationships require a high level of trust. IMO, they are not likely to work if they are started because one person was cheating. How are you supposed to trust someone who can't keep a basic promise or agreement? Successful "open" relationships are not just "hey, do whatever you want...I don't care!". They involve working out what each person is comfortable with and keeping promises/agreements.

I wouldn't advice you to agree to this just to keep this person in your life. But that's just my opinion. Think hard first about if you can or want to try this with someone who has shown himself to be untrustworthy.
 
I don't think this person has been honest with you. He is changing rules in the middle of the "game" so to speak. Dump him quickly and don't look back. I spent 3 years of my life in a relationship with a man waiting on him to get himself together. When I think about how I put my life and health at risk for this person, I was a complete fool. I had just come out of a bad marriage before meeting him and he provided me with excitement in the beginning but that quickly turned into a whole bunch of drama. Women falling out of the woodworks.....DRAMA. I am engaged to a wonderful person now.
 
Ladies,

What hurts the most is the fact that he wasn't honest in the beginning. If I would have known in the beginning, I would not have been so into him or devoted my time or nurtured the relationship. I would not have been planning for the future and trying to build a foundation. I am so hurt! Now, it appears to me that he is happy and I am not happy because of it. So, the bottom line is that I obviously didn't make him happy! Or am I convincing myself that I didn't? He wants to kick it with me still and gives me full access to his house/friends and family. The only thing is that I would know that we are not committed. This is so bizarre??? WTH? He looked at me straight in my eyes and said that he loved me and still wants to be with me but they have to be on his terms. I have been fooled and will never look at another man the same way. I gave him too much credit and trusted him big time. He says alot of couples are in open relationships. I answered him by saying most of the time, only one person knows about it. He says I should be grateful that he is being honest. Yes, cause he confessed, but it doesn't take away from the fact that he lied!
 
lovemyhair said:
Ladies,

What hurts the most is the fact that he wasn't honest in the beginning. If I would have known in the beginning, I would not have been so into him or devoted my time or nurtured the relationship. I would not have been planning for the future and trying to build a foundation. I am so hurt! Now, it appears to me that he is happy and I am not happy because of it. So, the bottom line is that I obviously didn't make him happy! Or am I convincing myself that I didn't? He wants to kick it with me still and gives me full access to his house/friends and family. The only thing is that I would know that we are not committed. This is so bizarre??? WTH? He looked at me straight in my eyes and said that he loved me and still wants to be with me but they have to be on his terms. I have been fooled and will never look at another man the same way. I gave him too much credit and trusted him big time. He says alot of couples are in open relationships. I answered him by saying most of the time, only one person knows about it. He says I should be grateful that he is being honest. Yes, cause he confessed, but it doesn't take away from the fact that he lied!
Click to expand...

Tell him to roll, bounce.
 
lovemyhair said:
Ladies,

What hurts the most is the fact that he wasn't honest in the beginning. If I would have known in the beginning, I would not have been so into him or devoted my time or nurtured the relationship. I would not have been planning for the future and trying to build a foundation. I am so hurt! Now, it appears to me that he is happy and I am not happy because of it. So, the bottom line is that I obviously didn't make him happy! Or am I convincing myself that I didn't? He wants to kick it with me still and gives me full access to his house/friends and family. The only thing is that I would know that we are not committed. This is so bizarre??? WTH? He looked at me straight in my eyes and said that he loved me and still wants to be with me but they have to be on his terms. I have been fooled and will never look at another man the same way. I gave him too much credit and trusted him big time. He says alot of couples are in open relationships. I answered him by saying most of the time, only one person knows about it. He says I should be grateful that he is being honest. Yes, cause he confessed, but it doesn't take away from the fact that he lied!
Click to expand...


If you are in this much pain LEAVE. All men are not like this. Move him to the side so that you can heal and make room for someone else.
 
lovemyhair said:
Ladies,

What hurts the most is the fact that he wasn't honest in the beginning. If I would have known in the beginning, I would not have been so into him or devoted my time or nurtured the relationship. I would not have been planning for the future and trying to build a foundation. I am so hurt! Now, it appears to me that he is happy and I am not happy because of it. So, the bottom line is that I obviously didn't make him happy! Or am I convincing myself that I didn't? He wants to kick it with me still and gives me full access to his house/friends and family. The only thing is that I would know that we are not committed. This is so bizarre??? WTH? He looked at me straight in my eyes and said that he loved me and still wants to be with me but they have to be on his terms. I have been fooled and will never look at another man the same way. I gave him too much credit and trusted him big time. He says alot of couples are in open relationships. I answered him by saying most of the time, only one person knows about it. He says I should be grateful that he is being honest. Yes, cause he confessed, but it doesn't take away from the fact that he lied!
Click to expand...

I'm sorry that you're hurting so badly right now. Please give yourself time to think about what you want before you agree to anything. I don't think it's a matter of if you made him happy or not, or maybe it is - the bottom line though is that he doesn't want to commit. So, it doesn't matter if you're the most beautiful woman in the world, outgoing, cook and clean everyday, sex him up every night - HE doesn't want to be with just one woman right now. It sucks, but that's what it is. I think you should give him a break, don't talk to him for a WHILE and think about what you want. Who knows, after disappearin on his *** for a month, he may miss the hell out of you and want to be with only you. I see that you really love him, IMO he doesn't appreciate what he has.
 
AND THIS IS MY MAIN POINT..HE WAsnt HONEST..SO HE IS SOMEONE THAT CAN NOT BE TRUSTED..OPEN RLP WITH A LIAR..WASTE OF TIME...PLEASE...I THINK YOU DESERVE BETTER...he should have said that from day one..NOT GO AND MEET A CHICK AND THEN SAY OH OK..I WANNA HAVE MY CAKE AND SOMETHING EXTRA ON THE SIDE..WTF..I WOULD HAVE SAID THANK YOU BUT NO THANK YOU can not be trusted and lord knows what else your not confessing...PEACEEEEEEEEEE--2 fingers in the air..with a hair toss

HIS TERMS...WTF HELL NAH


lovemyhair said:
Ladies,

What hurts the most is the fact that he wasn't honest in the beginning. If I would have known in the beginning, I would not have been so into him or devoted my time or nurtured the relationship. I would not have been planning for the future and trying to build a foundation. I am so hurt! Now, it appears to me that he is happy and I am not happy because of it. So, the bottom line is that I obviously didn't make him happy! Or am I convincing myself that I didn't? He wants to kick it with me still and gives me full access to his house/friends and family. The only thing is that I would know that we are not committed. This is so bizarre??? WTH? He looked at me straight in my eyes and said that he loved me and still wants to be with me but they have to be on his terms. I have been fooled and will never look at another man the same way. I gave him too much credit and trusted him big time. He says alot of couples are in open relationships. I answered him by saying most of the time, only one person knows about it. He says I should be grateful that he is being honest. Yes, cause he confessed, but it doesn't take away from the fact that he lied!
Click to expand...
 
I don't think I truly understand the concept of an open relationship. Can someone bother explaining it to me? My current perception is it's a "non-committment-committment" which wouldn't then be a committment at all. So what's the point? Who would this type of relationship be beneficial to? And, honestly, is this something that last longterm?
 
Caramela said:
I don't think I truly understand the concept of an open relationship. Can someone bother explaining it to me? My current perception is it's a "non-committment-committment" which wouldn't then be a committment at all. So what's the point? Who would this type of relationship be beneficial to? And, honestly, is this something that last longterm?
Click to expand...


I don't get the concept either! I am truly confused. I guess I am old fashioned and only committ to one person.
 
lovemyhair said:
I don't get the concept either! I am truly confused. I guess I am old fashioned and only committ to one person.
Click to expand...

Lovemyhair if I were you I wouldn't do it, just let him be and move on. I personally think that it would be too much for you to handle. You will find someone who wants a monogamous relationship, don't settle for him.
 
Caramela said:
I don't think I truly understand the concept of an open relationship. Can someone bother explaining it to me? My current perception is it's a "non-committment-committment" which wouldn't then be a committment at all. So what's the point? Who would this type of relationship be beneficial to? And, honestly, is this something that last longterm?
Click to expand...


an open relationship means that you will still remain with your SO but you are both open to have relations with other people. Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis were married long term and tried an open relationship during their marriage::
Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee on Open Marriage

From Sheri & Bob Stritof,
Your Guide to Marriage.

Here are some quote about open marriage from Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis whose thoughts about open marriage changed over time.
  1. Ossie: "It occurred to us, from observation and reasoning, that extramarital sex was not what really destroyed marriages, but rather the lies and deception that invariably accompanied it -- that was the culprit. So we decided to give ourselves permission to sleep with other partners if we wished -- as long as what we did was honest as well as private, and that neither of us exposed the family to scandal or disease. We had to be discreet and, if the word can be apt, honorable in our behavior, both to ourselves, to whomever else might be involved, and most of all, to the family. And for the most part, we were." Source: joint biography, page 317
Ossie: "But looking back, I'd say no matter what did or did not happen, we freed each other. And in doing that, we also freed ourselves...Sex is fine, but love is better. That's the most important part of being free. In light of what we learned, is extramarital sex something we recommend as a regular part of marriage? Not now...not anymore. Not since AIDS has entered the equation, and genital herpes, syphilis, and other veneral diseases..." Source: joint biography, 323-324
Ruby: "But, we both came to realize that we were very fortunate that, in all of the deep profound, fundamental ways, we really, really only wanted each other. It was like a rediscovery of something from the beginning. It's not something that you'd recommend to everybody. But often Ossie has said - and I've though too - the best way to have somebody is to let it go. If it doesn't come back you are free in another kind of sense - in that you find the strength to let go and wish somebody well. So, we thought an open marriage was appropriate for us but it turned out not to be. But then that's what we're all about, we are moving from one position to another in the process of trying to unravel this thing call life." Source: Broadway to Vegas
 
scorpian said:
an open relationship means that you will still remain with your SO but you are both open to have relations with other people. Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis were married long term and tried an open relationship during their marriage::
Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee on Open Marriage

From Sheri & Bob Stritof,
Your Guide to Marriage.

Here are some quote about open marriage from Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis whose thoughts about open marriage changed over time.
  1. Ossie: "It occurred to us, from observation and reasoning, that extramarital sex was not what really destroyed marriages, but rather the lies and deception that invariably accompanied it -- that was the culprit. So we decided to give ourselves permission to sleep with other partners if we wished -- as long as what we did was honest as well as private, and that neither of us exposed the family to scandal or disease. We had to be discreet and, if the word can be apt, honorable in our behavior, both to ourselves, to whomever else might be involved, and most of all, to the family. And for the most part, we were." Source: joint biography, page 317
Ossie: "But looking back, I'd say no matter what did or did not happen, we freed each other. And in doing that, we also freed ourselves...Sex is fine, but love is better. That's the most important part of being free. In light of what we learned, is extramarital sex something we recommend as a regular part of marriage? Not now...not anymore. Not since AIDS has entered the equation, and genital herpes, syphilis, and other veneral diseases..." Source: joint biography, 323-324
Ruby: "But, we both came to realize that we were very fortunate that, in all of the deep profound, fundamental ways, we really, really only wanted each other. It was like a rediscovery of something from the beginning. It's not something that you'd recommend to everybody. But often Ossie has said - and I've though too - the best way to have somebody is to let it go. If it doesn't come back you are free in another kind of sense - in that you find the strength to let go and wish somebody well. So, we thought an open marriage was appropriate for us but it turned out not to be. But then that's what we're all about, we are moving from one position to another in the process of trying to unravel this thing call life." Source: Broadway to Vegas
Click to expand...

Oh heck no! :nono: This is a pure D mess. Lovemyhair, no, girl, no. NEXT him!
 
scorpian said:
an open relationship means that you will still remain with your SO but you are both open to have relations with other people. Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis were married long term and tried an open relationship during their marriage::
Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee on Open Marriage

From Sheri & Bob Stritof,
Your Guide to Marriage.

Here are some quote about open marriage from Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis whose thoughts about open marriage changed over time.
  1. Ossie: "It occurred to us, from observation and reasoning, that extramarital sex was not what really destroyed marriages, but rather the lies and deception that invariably accompanied it -- that was the culprit. So we decided to give ourselves permission to sleep with other partners if we wished -- as long as what we did was honest as well as private, and that neither of us exposed the family to scandal or disease. We had to be discreet and, if the word can be apt, honorable in our behavior, both to ourselves, to whomever else might be involved, and most of all, to the family. And for the most part, we were." Source: joint biography, page 317
Ossie: "But looking back, I'd say no matter what did or did not happen, we freed each other. And in doing that, we also freed ourselves...Sex is fine, but love is better. That's the most important part of being free. In light of what we learned, is extramarital sex something we recommend as a regular part of marriage? Not now...not anymore. Not since AIDS has entered the equation, and genital herpes, syphilis, and other veneral diseases..." Source: joint biography, 323-324
Ruby: "But, we both came to realize that we were very fortunate that, in all of the deep profound, fundamental ways, we really, really only wanted each other. It was like a rediscovery of something from the beginning. It's not something that you'd recommend to everybody. But often Ossie has said - and I've though too - the best way to have somebody is to let it go. If it doesn't come back you are free in another kind of sense - in that you find the strength to let go and wish somebody well. So, we thought an open marriage was appropriate for us but it turned out not to be. But then that's what we're all about, we are moving from one position to another in the process of trying to unravel this thing call life." Source: Broadway to Vegas
Click to expand...


Excellent! Thanks for posting this!

They were my favorite Black couple EVER!
 
MzLady78 said:
Excellent! Thanks for posting this!

They were my favorite Black couple EVER!
Click to expand...

Mine too and I was really shocked when I heard a few years back that they had this "open" arrangement and although that's not my idea of what marriage is about, I can say that I respect they were honest about what they did. I do believe the culprit is when things are done behind folks back and 1 person is left in the dark because you should give people the option of either saying I'm fine with this or I'm not. That's why I don't get cheating cause for all you know, the other person may be fine with you seeing someone else. But, when you creep, deceive, lie, etc. you set yourself up for that person to be on the defense.

I know a couple that has an open relationship and has had one since before they were married and it works for them. I couldn't do it but to each his own.
 
lovemyhair said:
I am in sort of a dilemma and need some advice.

I have been dating this guy for about 1 year now. He is really fun and we have had alot of good times together. Recently, I found out that he was creeping with another chick(s) and he confessed and asked that we remain together but this time it would be an open relationship. He says he loves me but can't commit now because there is too much involved. He says it's a benefit for the both of us. Putting aside the fact that he cheated and we had a mutual agreement in the beginning that we would be exclusive, this is so bizarre to me. I am hurting and still want to be with him cause he adds excitement to my life. I adore this man but it's obvious to me that he doesn't feel the same. Am I wrong? Do you think an open relationship is a normal thing? I was in a marriage for 14 years and didn't date anyone prior to being married. So the dating thing is all new to me. Am I missing something? Are open relationships the norm now? I feel like I’ve been played big time. He says he loves me but this is the way it has to be if I want to be with him.

Confused
Click to expand...
This is my first post on OT in a while. I clicked on "New Posts" and when I saw this I had to reply.

You deserve much, much better. AND he is not and never will the last man in your life who is fun and whatever else that goes with him. Do what's best for you.

Besides, what if he decides to leave you for her? Or she 'kills' him (like I would) when she's had enough of his mess?

No, sweetheart, leave the dirt and get someone who respects you enough to love you and ONLY you. True love doesn't do this. You deserve true love. He cannot have your cake and eat hers too. :nono:

Be blessed...okay? Don't miss your blessings by wasting anymore time with him; not even with your thoughts. ;) Get yourself out there and meet someone else.

((( Big sister hugs ))) ;)
 
Monilove122 said:
Mine too and I was really shocked when I heard a few years back that they had this "open" arrangement and although that's not my idea of what marriage is about, I can say that I respect they were honest about what they did. I do believe the culprit is when things are done behind folks back and 1 person is left in the dark because you should give people the option of either saying I'm fine with this or I'm not. That's why I don't get cheating cause for all you know, the other person may be fine with you seeing someone else. But, when you creep, deceive, lie, etc. you set yourself up for that person to be on the defense.

I know a couple that has an open relationship and has had one since before they were married and it works for them. I couldn't do it but to each his own.
Click to expand...

OMG- so was I!!!

I don't know- I just don't see the point of being married if you're gonna have an open marriage.
 
MzLady78 said:
OMG- so was I!!!

I don't know- I just don't see the point of being married if you're gonna have an open marriage.
Click to expand...

I agree - there needs to be spin off thread on open relationships.

I'm very selfish with my husband, I love knowing that we are intimate with only each other. I love knowing that his body is for my enjoyment only but it's not just sex. I would not want a third or forth party in my marriage. I think I would feel like I was given a bad deal.

I know when you agree to it it's different and it's not for everyone.

Cichelle, thank you for being open with us about your relationship.
 
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