Not realizing until it's too late...heartbreak

[FebeeSigns]

Love really is blind. I got my first dosage of love recently and I didn't realize over the 2 and half years we were together that we simply weren't a good match. It killed me, it still does kill me. Because I'm only 18 and I'm young and fresh into this world and I honestly think it's the end of the world lol. It just feels like it. It was my first serious relationship, never did I have someone beyond 1 month. I ignored the fact that he wasn't good at communicating and being open or comforting me and I used to make up excuses such as "It will get better, he will grow." "He's a man. Men are like that I think." He was older, 4 years older than me. He had his degree already, he was going for his master and I'm just in my second year of my undergrad. He would discuss things that weren't on my level so holding a conversation became hard as the relationship grew longer. I didn't realize he couldn't meet my needs or wants until I gave him a piece of me. I gave him something special that I just can't take back and now I regret it, because a few days later it was when I realized I couldn't do it anymore. I wanted him to be a person he just couldn't be. He was reserved, quiet, and I just didn't want that from him. He deserved someone who accepted him because I constantly asked him to adapt for me, for my needs. It was hard to let him go because I still have such strong feelings. I can't even talk to him anymore, it hurts. I guess what I'm trying to say through all this heartbreak rambling is...

Have any of you been with someone for so long and were blind of how bad the relationship actually was?
How did you deal with it once you came to reality?
How do you deal with heartbreak over losing someone you love, knowing that it had to be done?
How do you come to terms that they will be happy with someone else that isn't you?

All replies appreciated, ladies. It cheers me up to know that I am not the only one who went through this. It is my first time so I really don't know how to handle this. Seeing your responses may help beyond comprehension.

 

[Helpmeblongagain]

Yes, I have been in that situation twice. In my first relationship, he was my high school sweetheart and the relationship wasn't "bad" per say...I just realized that it wasn't what I wanted. In my second relationship, I just had to come to terms with what I always knew was true, my boyfriend was a dog.

In my first relationship, we broke up and honestly it felt like a weight was lifted. In my second, we broke up; but, I kept going back until I discovered he was with someone else. It took me a yr to heal from the second.

I just have to be honest with myself. Its going to hurt, but you have to ask yourself if you'd really be happy or just comfortable if you were still with him.

Again, I ask myself if I'd really truly be happy with him if we were still together, in both cases my answer was no. This part has always been difficult for me, tho.

 

[ArrrBeee]

Love really is blind. I got my first dosage of love recently and I didn't realize over the 2 and half years we were together that we simply weren't a good match. It killed me, it still does kill me. Because I'm only 18 and I'm young and fresh into this world and I honestly think it's the end of the world lol. It just feels like it. It was my first serious relationship, never did I have someone beyond 1 month. I ignored the fact that he wasn't good at communicating and being open or comforting me and I used to make up excuses such as "It will get better, he will grow." "He's a man. Men are like that I think." He was older, 4 years older than me. He had his degree already, he was going for his master and I'm just in my second year of my undergrad. He would discuss things that weren't on my level so holding a conversation became hard as the relationship grew longer. I didn't realize he couldn't meet my needs or wants until I gave him a piece of me. I gave him something special that I just can't take back and now I regret it, because a few days later it was when I realized I couldn't do it anymore. I wanted him to be a person he just couldn't be. He was reserved, quiet, and I just didn't want that from him. He deserved someone who accepted him because I constantly asked him to adapt for me, for my needs. It was hard to let him go because I still have such strong feelings. I can't even talk to him anymore, it hurts. I guess what I'm trying to say through all this heartbreak rambling is...

All replies appreciated, ladies. It cheers me up to know that I am not the only one who went through this. It is my first time so I really don't know how to handle this. Seeing your responses may help beyond comprehension.

Have any of you been with someone for so long and were blind of how bad the relationship actually was?
Yes, I dated someone for 4 years (age 19-23)and he was a lying piece of dog excrement. I was dumb and believed every word he said. He had no goals or drive and hung out with losers.
How did you deal with it once you came to reality?
I met 3 different people on the same day that I had never met before. In each conversation, they told me not to settle. I took it as more than coincidence and I left.
How do you deal with heartbreak over losing someone you love, knowing that it had to be done?
It hurt but I knew he wasn't the one for me and that I was wasting my time. You have to reframe the breakup. Don't look at it as a breakup, think of it in terms of a surgery that will make you feel better. Yes its painful, but you will be better than you were before.
How do you come to terms that they will be happy with someone else that isn't you?
Worry about yourself. You don't have control over what or who makes them happy.

 

[FebeeSigns]

Thanks so much Help and Arrrr, your answers have brought me a little comfort

 

[LunadeMiel]

Have any of you been with someone for so long and were blind of how bad the relationship actually was?
I was with a guy from the age of 17-24. I went throught a lot with him. I'm just now realizing that he was very emotionally abusive towards me
How did you deal with it once you came to reality?
One day I just had enough. I sent a goal of when I would leave and I did
How do you deal with heartbreak over losing someone you love, knowing that it had to be done?
I reassured myself that this was the best thing.
How do you come to terms that they will be happy with someone else that isn't you?
Since I know that he could never have made me happy, I'm more than ok with it.

 

[BullGirl2010]

Have any of you been with someone for so long and were blind of how bad the relationship actually was?
Yes, I married him and, after six years of more lies than I can count and cruel levels of disrespect, I am divorcing him.
How did you deal with it once you came to reality?
I feel like the weight of the world has suddenly disappeared. I can now "exhale."
How do you deal with heartbreak over losing someone you love, knowing that it had to be done?
I am focusing on loving me. You take yourself back and realize that you deserve much, much better. It hurts, but you will be so much better in the end. You deal with the heartbreak by putting YOU first.
How do you come to terms that they will be happy with someone else that isn't you?
I reclaimed me and could care less about his happiness. If he finds it, great. If not, not my problem anymore. You can only control your happiness.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

I think it's important to share some thoughts with you. It's better than stories. I'm sure the others did that already, and of course it makes you feel an affinity with others. I will say I've been there (releasing your first long term relationship). But there are some other important things. First.... no one said this yet...you're 18 you dated him at 15 1/2 (you said 2 1/2 years) and he was 19 going on 20? Or if you're already into the middle of your 18th year you were 16 dating a 20 year old. Either way... he got to you early if that's the case (and in some states I know that's legally wrong). This age range is definitely....though it seems small, it isn't...heck my fiance is about 5 yrs older than me (but then I'm in my late twenties so the gap is different)....what I mean is that a 15/16 year old is at a waaay different stage than a 20 yr old (no matter how mature). Why am I mentioning this? Because the way you're handling this is going to be harder because you started younger and were with someone who should not have dated you at the time. Your parents should NOT have allowed this, but that's hindsight.

I'm not saying it' s your fault I'd like to add. But my ex is that if you are 18 I'm sure you're not interested in what a 14 yr old is (they're just starting high school, you're in college), or when you were 16 you would Not date a 12 year old. It makes me wonder what was wrong with HIM to not realize that (you were a child). To me 16 is a milestone, 18 (as you're learning to be on your own and try to be an adult) and then 21 (which he was close to, ) is a milestone because about 20 you're deciding how to navigate the world: what you want to do: work? Continue to advance studies, etc. Whereas at 16 you're just learning about relationships (and you're really in developmental stages with them). And the mind can be easily manipulated and shaped at that age (especially if you're a woman). So you are thinking over this realtionship (it seems to me) and wondering what you did wrong and why you didn't let him go. Well you were immature, you're now developing (and maturing and will continue). So you really can't fault yourself for being 16 (I can fault him for being 20 he should know better by law he's an adult at that age and you were a child). Not that he's so mature, but you were in different stages. I think that's important to acknowledge so that you give yourself a break (and don't beat yourself up).



Now that that's out of the way,I'd say that to your first question: Yes. I have been blind to a relationship. I was your age (18) and guess what? It happens. Cause you're 18. I mean you're just learning how to navigate relationships and understanding who you are and what you want (and don't want). Now that I look back on it I take it as a learning milestone. At the time i spent countless nights analyzing and dissecting our relationship. Trying to figure WHY it hurts so much, why I even dated him, etc. But now I realize it's almost a right of passage. I don't think (very many) people get it right the first time out. It's only important what you do with the knowledge that you learned. In this case you recognize when you don't mesh with someone (for whatever reason) you don't have a relationship with them. You can't be right for everyone and there's nothing wrong with that. It took time for me too because I wanted to make it work. You can't MAKE something work when it's so wrong. It either does or doesn't (that's my belief).

THe answer to all those other questions is time. And it sounds like a cliche' but you move on. I think the best way is to rip that bandaid off. Meaning you don't linger, you don't have follow up conversations, you just move on (especially if you're sobbing every night). And it's okay to cry for a while, but I dont think it's anything to beat yourself up over. What I mean is mourn the loss of your first real relationship, but don't attack yourself while you do it. Sometimes things hurt, but one day you'll look back and not even remember that you were up nights sobbing (I was). You'll have moved on with your life. It's best to try to preoccupy yourself with friends, and fun movies (and believe me you'll probably cry through those anyways even if it isn't sad...or maybe it's just what I did. I remember watching stuff and something would remind me of him and I'd cry. Or singing a happy song and start crying. Eventually though I didn't think about him any more cause that's what happens.) but the more you focus on moving...I think you will eventually heal and move on. Laughter is the best way for me to get over something. Maybe it can help you. If you have good friends hang out with them, go to different activities, if you have a good family talk to them.

But really it's just time and that's the way it was for me.


In the words of a cheesy movie that I'll copy paste from script of rama as it sums up the hurt part best:

Kate:
Because I love him. And I'm afraid
that ...that I'll...
it'll hurt so much that I'll shrivel up
and never be able to love anyone again.


Luc:
You say that now but...
after a time, you would forget.
First, you would forget his chin
and then his nose
and after a while you would struggle
to remember the exact colour of his eyes.
And one day you wake up and he's gone.
His voice, his smell, his face.
He will have left you.
And then you can begin again.

 

[hopeful]

Beautiful post luckiestdestiny and very thoughtful.

OP, you will get over this. It will be hard, but you will. You have learned so much now and know what you want and need. Also you sound like a smart cookie so I have no doubt your next relationship will be better. And try to forgive yourself for giving him something so special. Try your best to learn from this and continue to view yourself as special, guard your heart and your body. Don't be afraid, just be cautious. For now focus on getting your degree. (((hugs))). You're going to be okay dear, I promise.

 

[dr.j]

I just want to add 2 very good break-up books:
How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days
It's Called a Break-up Because It's Broken (written by the same author of "He's Just Not into You" and his wife)
I know it's cliche but time does heal all wounds.
Stay encouraged!

 

[smwrigh3]

I think it's important to share some thoughts with you. It's better than stories. I'm sure the others did that already, and of course it makes you feel an affinity with others. I will say I've been there (releasing your first long term relationship). But there are some other important things. First.... no one said this yet...you're 18 you dated him at 15 1/2 (you said 2 1/2 years) and he was 19 going on 20? Or if you're already into the middle of your 18th year you were 16 dating a 20 year old. Either way... he got to you early if that's the case (and in some states I know that's legally wrong). This age range is definitely....though it seems small, it isn't...heck my fiance is about 5 yrs older than me (but then I'm in my late twenties so the gap is different)....what I mean is that a 15/16 year old is at a waaay different stage than a 20 yr old (no matter how mature). Why am I mentioning this? Because the way you're handling this is going to be harder because you started younger and were with someone who should not have dated you at the time. Your parents should NOT have allowed this, but that's hindsight.

I'm not saying it' s your fault I'd like to add. But my ex is that if you are 18 I'm sure you're not interested in what a 14 yr old is (they're just starting high school, you're in college), or when you were 16 you would Not date a 12 year old. It makes me wonder what was wrong with HIM to not realize that (you were a child). To me 16 is a milestone, 18 (as you're learning to be on your own and try to be an adult) and then 21 (which he was close to, ) is a milestone because about 20 you're deciding how to navigate the world: what you want to do: work? Continue to advance studies, etc. Whereas at 16 you're just learning about relationships (and you're really in developmental stages with them). And the mind can be easily manipulated and shaped at that age (especially if you're a woman). So you are thinking over this realtionship (it seems to me) and wondering what you did wrong and why you didn't let him go. Well you were immature, you're now developing (and maturing and will continue). So you really can't fault yourself for being 16 (I can fault him for being 20 he should know better by law he's an adult at that age and you were a child). Not that he's so mature, but you were in different stages. I think that's important to acknowledge so that you give yourself a break (and don't beat yourself up).



Now that that's out of the way,I'd say that to your first question: Yes. I have been blind to a relationship. I was your age (18) and guess what? It happens. Cause you're 18. I mean you're just learning how to navigate relationships and understanding who you are and what you want (and don't want). Now that I look back on it I take it as a learning milestone. At the time i spent countless nights analyzing and dissecting our relationship. Trying to figure WHY it hurts so much, why I even dated him, etc. But now I realize it's almost a right of passage. I don't think (very many) people get it right the first time out. It's only important what you do with the knowledge that you learned. In this case you recognize when you don't mesh with someone (for whatever reason) you don't have a relationship with them. You can't be right for everyone and there's nothing wrong with that. It took time for me too because I wanted to make it work. You can't MAKE something work when it's so wrong. It either does or doesn't (that's my belief).

THe answer to all those other questions is time. And it sounds like a cliche' but you move on. I think the best way is to rip that bandaid off. Meaning you don't linger, you don't have follow up conversations, you just move on (especially if you're sobbing every night). And it's okay to cry for a while, but I dont think it's anything to beat yourself up over. What I mean is mourn the loss of your first real relationship, but don't attack yourself while you do it. Sometimes things hurt, but one day you'll look back and not even remember that you were up nights sobbing (I was). You'll have moved on with your life. It's best to try to preoccupy yourself with friends, and fun movies (and believe me you'll probably cry through those anyways even if it isn't sad...or maybe it's just what I did. I remember watching stuff and something would remind me of him and I'd cry. Or singing a happy song and start crying. Eventually though I didn't think about him any more cause that's what happens.) but the more you focus on moving...I think you will eventually heal and move on. Laughter is the best way for me to get over something. Maybe it can help you. If you have good friends hang out with them, go to different activities, if you have a good family talk to them.

But really it's just time and that's the way it was for me.


In the words of a cheesy movie that I'll copy paste from script of rama as it sums up the hurt part best:

Kate:
Because I love him. And I'm afraid
that ...that I'll...
it'll hurt so much that I'll shrivel up
and never be able to love anyone again.


Luc:
You say that now but...
after a time, you would forget.
First, you would forget his chin
and then his nose
and after a while you would struggle
to remember the exact colour of his eyes.
And one day you wake up and he's gone.
His voice, his smell, his face.
He will have left you.
And then you can begin again.

THANK YOU!!!!! FOR THIS ENTIRE POST (Esp. the quote).... Master's student and sophomore are LIGHT YEARS apart...

So OP with that being said.. use this as a learning experience! Never ignore the way YOU feel because that sometime should matter most... you're young and have a life time ahead of you... Have fun with dating and love and relax you have nothing but time.

January 18th 2008 my first 'real' boyfriend broke up with me. It was sudden but expected and I cried and tortured myself for months. It wasn't until a year ago I realize that either one of us did anything wrong our relationship was a stepping stone to something else. because we didn't last doesn't mean we failed. Now I am in love with an amazing man and I thank God that one relationship ended so another could begin. I pray that 2 years from now you read your post and you smile because you remember those feelings but know how far you have come!