No Dates 2016(?)

CaraWalker

CaraWalker

Well-Known Member
so i had a thought and i made a decision

im tired of going on dates. and they are no longer functionally appropriate for me. while dating (ie being asked out, going to a specific location or outing, being traditionally wooed in the manner that includes a formal date) may have achieved its goals for me in the past, i think at this point i am deciding that it is no longer the case. if anything i am becoming more jaded by dates that go nowhere, and they do not seem to advance the agenda of getting to know a person or deciding you are interested in them (him or me).

so, for me, i am no longer going on formal dates. i dont have anything else to prove there. i have 3 or 4 years of proper, ritzy, expensive, extensive, impressive, lovely, honorable dates under my belt. they were nice. and now im done.

so then, where does one go and/or what does one do when going on a first date, if not a formal date?

note: i am not looking for advice or explanations on how and why formal dating is necessary. yes, i know. i am looking for locations.

so far i have come up with accompanying me on errands :look: :lachen: i have to go to the post office to return this box :lachen:
 
Does no formal dating include lunch dates? If not, lunch dates are better because they have a fixed time frame, (since you probably have to go back to work), and there is no (well, reduced) expectation of sex. Lunch dates are also cheaper, [not like you'll be paying], cause chances are they're all be at restaurant, so maybe less fun than something in the evening that's actually date-oriented like the movies, etc.

I'm assuming you're looking for "fun" dates though rather than formal, e.g. cooking class, skydiving, etc. something that even if the date doesn't work out, you can say that you experienced something new?
 
CaraWalker said:
im looking for no dates at all :look: like, ideally it would be just him tagging along or accompanying me while I do something really mundane

like

im going to go to the laundromat for awhile would you like to keep me company?
Click to expand...

I've never heard of such a thing but it's so out there it just might work :lol:

Ideas
- meet you at the grocery store for your weekly shop
- come with you to walk the dog (if applicable)
- come with you to the gym / an exercise class
- hang out whilst you cook your dinner (date-ish??)
- accompany you on your commute to work (station only) ...maybe include coffee.
- come with you to buy a book/clothes/gift

Slight concern could be him getting to know your personal routines/places you go so it'll be harder to shake him if you need to.

If you do it please please create a thread.

ETA: it also sounds like skipping dating and moving straight into 'been dating for 9 months' stuff lol.
 
CaraWalker said:
I'm looking for no dates at all :look: like, ideally it would be just him tagging along or accompanying me while I do something really mundane like im going to go to the laundromat for awhile would you like to keep me company?
Click to expand...

:rofl:

londontresses said:
I've never heard of such a thing but it's so out there it just might work :lol:

Ideas
- meet you at the grocery store for your weekly shop (Dude is going to think that you invited him solely to pay)
- come with you to walk the dog (if applicable) (This works if he has pets too)
- come with you to the gym / an exercise class (I like this one)
- hang out whilst you cook your dinner (date-ish??) (Dinner and chill? No likey)
- accompany you on your commute to work (station only) ...maybe include coffee. (This might work)
- come with you to buy a book/clothes/gift (See #1)

Slight concern could be him getting to know your personal routines/places you go so it'll be harder to shake him if you need to. (Big concern)

If you do it please please create a thread.

ETA: it also sounds like skipping dating and moving straight into 'been dating for 9 months' stuff lol.
Click to expand...

Yeah, it sounds like Cara isn't into that "getting to know you" process. :lachen:
 
My first thought was that only cheap guys are going to be interested in this. My second thought was that guys will think you're wanting to Netflix and chill and you'll end up with guys trying to fluck much earlier than normal.

I could see pet centered or fitness centered activities working out like someone said already. Maybe a picnic in the park but it's not the season for that unless you're in the south or on the west coast.

Let us know how this works out OP.
 
:lol: im not trying to get around getting to know someone and im not looking for the broke netflix and chill types :lol:

at this point I just think that formal dates are ********. theyre phony and forced and the guy is faking being all proper and polite just doing what he thinks he needs to do to sleep with me. im tired of thinking "this is a good guy why else would he get all dressed up and spend all this cash" when it turns out its just a deceitful ritual.

this came to me when I decided I was going to start dressing down on dates. I actually really enjoy the entire process of formal dates, the anxiety, finding something to wear, looking your best, etc. but now, im thinking due to age as both sexes start getting jaded and bitter, its a waste of time. it doesnt mean what it did before. so why am I wasting my time thinking "im getting to be pretty and charming and its going to make you like me." **** it then. guess ill be a loser in a pair of jeans and no make up if that makes you happy.

so im like well if im going to wear jeans why bother with the "date" at all? :lol:

its sort of like if you believed you had to play a role against your will in order to impress a prospective mate and it meant wearing tight clothes which you hate and high heels which you hate. its the same thing except in reverse where I have to be low key and non formal which I dont want to be.
 
by the way hes not going to KNOW im avoiding fake dates, to get into his head that he can just come and hang out at my house. its going to be more like "im so busy let me see where i can schedule you in the only way is to kill two birds at once while im doing something else"
 
This really just sounds like the guy's version of Netflix and Chill. "Uh, I really want to hang out, but really don't have the time to take you out anywhere, so let's hang out at my place instead . . . " This kind of this really takes away from the seriousness of wanting a relationship to guys, so I don't know whether you want a relationship from this, cause it may backfire. (I'm waiting on @hopeful to come up in here and share her thoughts).

Like londontresses said, if you're serious about this, keep us posted. I'm dying to know how this works out.
 
I'd be interested in the results of your experiment. I hate dating a new person. It's like it's 2 people who are supposed to be getting to know each other trying so hard to be on their best behavior that they don't actually get to know each other. The fakeness really turns me off. And all these rules we're supposed to follow knowing good and cotdayum you don't really act like that.

Not to mention, I've been on plenty of dates that were great in theory, but were not actually good because it's difficult to even enjoy yourself in a phony atmosphere.

I'm not sure if non-dates would take the edge off, but could be something interesting to try if you're annoyed with the status quo.
 
I understand disliking formal dates. My favorite dates are adventure / activity based. FH and I went kayaking for our first date. Neither one of us had been kayaking before. :lol: IMO, taking yourself and your date out of your element or comfort zone helps cut down on the fakeness.
 
I'd actually prefer your type of getting to know you scenarios.
Eventually it would send the message that you want convenience and only folks who can fit neatly in @CaraWalker's little life life. Don't disturbe me just hang while I buy these tomatoes real quick and then leave lol.
Sounds nice and easy to me lololol
 
I did this....lol. SO and I met at the gym and by date 3/ 2 weeks in he decided we were in a committed relationship. Lol. Our first 90 days was

-Him accompanying me to volunteer
-Go kart riding
-Car and gun shows
-Conferences..local speeches
-Home depot/Lowes visits
-Dutch Market/Farm food shopping
-Gift shopping
-Hanging out with me after hours in my office at work....or hell even in my home office

I'm sure that's un-LHCF.....but meh. We did and still do the fancy, but we also did so many mundane things together early....earlier than I did with anyone else. Before he even seen me in a hair scarf he knew what I liked to buy from the grocery store. Lol
 
Love this idea. I did something similar when I realized that these dating conventions weren't working as well for me. They didn't fit my personality as much as I wanted them to, and they promoted shallowness ("just show up and look pretty"). On top of that, I remember feeling so disillusioned when I realized that wining and dining someone doesn't mean jack about their level of interest. Like when I was out with this guy after dinner, having multiple $20 drinks, and the next morning this guy would not accompany me to the taxi area:eek:

Anyway. I never got to fully implement the non-date idea to the extent that you plan to, mostly because of weather limitations. But I took the lead in suggesting activities and leaned more towards: walks, picnics, lectures, if not possible, meeting up for hot chocolate.

I was flexible. So if we ended up at dinner, then I'd suggest we take a walk after.

I felt I got to know people so much better through that. I don't know if it's because of these non-traditional dates, per se, or the fact that I was dating in a way that really suited me. I felt comfortable, I dressed down. And I don't know why, but there's something that creates intimacy for me when I'm NEXT to someone as opposed to when I'm across from them. So I frequently asked my date to sit next to me instead of across the table. The response was always a pleasant surprise.

Anyway, best of luck and looking forward to see how well this turns out :) I'm a fan of this method.
 
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CarLiTa said:
Love this idea. I did something similar when I realized that these dating conventions weren't working as well for me. They didn't fit my personality as much as I wanted them to, and they promoted shallowness ("just show up and look pretty"). On top of that, I remember feeling so disillusioned when I realized that wining and dining someone doesn't mean jack about their level of interest.
Click to expand...

EXACTLY. i am so glad to see the responses in here. but this is exactly it, a huge part of the reason why im so turned off of dating. i had been putting too much stock in a dude's intentions based on how formally and properly he went about the process. it doesn't mean ****. i think i started to just feel deceived. i need something more concreteto judge a dude's intentions on, and formal dates are not it. they're just not, no matter how nice or expensive or any of it. since it is not going to serve that purpose for me, i might as well eliminate it.

i need to drive out to ikea.... :look:
 
I must say I have always enjoyed going out on dates. BUT.... What's works for me is.... I don't accept dates from everyone (I don't care if they are the best thing since cornbread). If I don't sense some type of sincere interest in me I politely refuse. I can usually rule them out by the initial conversations. I think some guys are 'professional daters'. If they find you attractive they will probably ask you out (which is too much work for me to prepare). I believe it is then my responsibility to imagine the possibilities of future dates or a relationship. If I can't see myself taking it to the next level with them, I decline. However, very recently a guy begged me to go out to dinner with him. I mean literally begged. Although he was attractive I just didn't feel any type of connection with him. I finally gave in. Although we had a nice time...laughing, great conversation it didn't go anywhere because I just knew.
 
If you're into sports ask him to meet you at local sports bar to watch game. Football is almost done but basketball is never ending all spring.

Sounds like an interesting technique. Some couldn't pull off but I think you can. If all else fails you can shut it down by summertime. Good luck.
 
My second date with my 2014 love was to Barnes & Noble. We browsed through recipes, images from "coffee table"books, and discussed our favorite literature. This fostered amazing conversation. He bought me two books :) We then held hands as we walked through the park across the street.

Le sigh

I wonder if I'll ever have that type of connection again.

Anyways, this thread is a sign to add bookstore dates to my list. You learn a lot about someone based on the variety of info you find in there.
 
CaraWalker said:
I had been putting too much stock in a dude's intentions based on how formally and properly he went about the process.
Click to expand...

Now I understand. It's strange/sad to know that guys can take the time to organize the perfect dinner dates and still not give a crap at the end of the day. This "professional dating" thing is real.
 
I totally get what you're saying here @CaraWalker. With my b/f, we had met online and talked on the phone for a couple weeks...we had similar interests and mindframes/wants/needs and both wanted to meet each other badly. Our first date was a long drive where we talked, listened and talked about old music we loved, grabbed something to eat real quick, then walked on the beach casually for a couple hours just talking more, laughing, and of course making out. Sparks were instantaneous and 8 months later are still on and poppin. We were both just...real with each other. There was never any pretentiousness or fakeness at all, which I think we both appreciated.

Subsequent dates were similar where we'd accompany each other to look for housewares, go grocery shopping, go for walks in different neighborhoods, in parks, across bridges etc. Of course we'd still get drinks/dinner/movies and do those types of things, but I think that we were both able to have our guard down and be just our real selves. Because we never went on expensive formal dates was not an indicator of cheapness, non-interest, or anything negative on either of our parts. It was really fun and we genuinely just wanted to spend time together.
 
My fiancé and I have been together since we were 16 and we're both from working class families, so we didn't have money for fancy dates anyway lolol. I could see this working @CaraWalker
All of our first dates were walking to a a park to chill, or going with each other to the mall to shop for stuff we needed/groceries, etc. but we met in karate when we were 15. I definitely think that you see a more truthful version of the guy, because he'll probably not know how to fake being all polite and proper in such mundane environments.
 
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