New Female Friends?

[Opal1821]

My SO and I have been in a long-distance relationship for almost three years, and he's a very social guy. Actually an admitted flirt. He's committed to our relationship, and we've been very happy until lately. He's always gone out about once a week and meets a lot of new people, some of them females. It's never really been a problem, but lately it seems like it's too much for me.

All of a sudden during conversation, he'll tell me "Yeah, random girl X and I just went to the movies" or "Random girl Y and I just had dinner" alone and I'm sitting here like "Who?". If he were trying to hide something, he wouldn't tell me about them. He says that all of them know he has a girlfriend and to him it's just a random outing, nothing more. If I were there, he'd be doing these things (dinner, movies, etc.) with me. I'm just a bit insecure about it right now, but it's kind of unrealistic for me to say stop socializing with any girls until I meet them because I only get up there every 2 months.

So, is it ever okay for your SO to have a new female friend? Why or why not? or for the singles, do you have new platonic guy friends even if they're in a relationship?

 

[aja1121]

Wow this is tougherplexed First let me ask you a couple of questions:

1. Do you have male friends?

2. Do you go out with these male friends?

3. Are you 100% happy with your lifestlye, career etc.?

4. Is it school, career that has separated you from him?

If it never bothered you before, but is bothering you now, then it could be your gut feeling telling you something or just "YOU". It seems like you have excepted his social status, so it would be hard to admit to him that you all of a sudden have a problem with it. You being a part from him is a sacrifice and it seems that he is filling a void with these other women. I'm not into playing games, but actions always speak louder than words. Maybe you need to go out with a male friend, or meet a guy and tell him...his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

 

[aja1121]

And to answer your question...Yes it is okay if they knew them before you or work with them, but to casually meet someone out and about is a bit much for me, because there had to be an initial attraction for something more. And how would he feel if you were the social butterfly meeting anybody and everybody.

 

[Opal1821]

Wow this is tougherplexed First let me ask you a couple of questions:

1. Do you have male friends? I've always had this personal rule that I can only consider a guy a platonic friend if nothing could ever happen between us. So, my cousin serves as one friend, my friend's ex serves as another, and a third is a classmate that I study with every now and then at school.

2. Do you go out with these male friends? I'll go out with if a group of friends go out, but not too often

3. Are you 100% happy with your lifestlye, career etc.? For the most part, I'm stuck in med school, which is a blessing for my career but a killer on the social life. I see friends every now and then, but I'm big on time with family, which I do work in.

4. Is it school, career that has separated you from him? Yeah, he's working in NY while I'm in school in ATL

If it never bothered you before, but is bothering you now, then it could be your gut feeling telling you something or just "YOU". It seems like you have excepted his social status, so it would be hard to admit to him that you all of a sudden have a problem with it. You being a part from him is a sacrifice and it seems that he is filling a void with these other women. I'm not into playing games, but actions always speak louder than words. Maybe you need to go out with a male friend, or meet a guy and tell him...his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

I keep trying to figure out why he needs so much female attention, and I know he was raised around women with a single mother. Maybe this is contributing to it? He doesn't seem to be jealous when I meet/mention other guys, in fact he encourages me to get out more. But most new guys I meet aren't interested in friendship, so they get shut down quickly

 

[Opal1821]

And to answer your question...Yes it is okay if they knew them before you or work with them, but to casually meet someone out and about is a bit much for me, because there had to be an initial attraction for something more. And how would he feel if you were the social butterfly meeting anybody and everybody.

That's the thing, I've never had a problem with the friends he knew before me. I wouldn't think twice if he told me he went to the movies with one of them

 

[Browndilocks]

Wow. I feel for you.

Three years is a LONG time to be in a long distance relationship. Shoot - Three years is a long time to be in a non-long distance relationship. Kudos to you just on that.

My question is - how often does he make the effort to visit you?

You already know what you're working with here by stating that he's very social and an admitted flirt. I don't think there's anything you can do about him going out with other people. The problem however is that if he's doing this now, what's going to happen if you guys ever do live closer together? He may have adjustment issues from kickin it the way he's doing now.

Even in a long distance relationship, the boundaries have to be CLEARLY set, where both of you are 100% understanding of what is and isn't acceptable behavior, and what your expectations of each other are. If you do not expect him to make new female friends and take them out to dinner then it's NOT okay for him to do it.

I can understand kickin it with other people in social settings that are not intended to end with a good night kiss, but straight up dating other women is just not cool. Even if they wanted to, I would not allow the platonic guy friends of mine who are in relationships, to take me out alone. I'm not that kind of girl, and it doesn't even sound right. That's probably why it's not sitting well with you. Just don't go blaming yourself for his "alternative" actions.

 

[gone_fishing]

My SO and I have been in a long-distance relationship for almost three years, and he's a very social guy. Actually an admitted flirt. He's committed to our relationship, and we've been very happy until lately. He's always gone out about once a week and meets a lot of new people, some of them females. It's never really been a problem, but lately it seems like it's too much for me.

All of a sudden during conversation, he'll tell me "Yeah, random girl X and I just went to the movies" or "Random girl Y and I just had dinner" alone and I'm sitting here like "Who?". If he were trying to hide something, he wouldn't tell me about them. He says that all of them know he has a girlfriend and to him it's just a random outing, nothing more. If I were there, he'd be doing these things (dinner, movies, etc.) with me. I'm just a bit insecure about it right now, but it's kind of unrealistic for me to say stop socializing with any girls until I meet them because I only get up there every 2 months.

So, is it ever okay for your SO to have a new female friend? Why or why not? or for the singles, do you have new platonic guy friends even if they're in a relationship?

I don't mean to alarm you but something doesn't sit right with me and that story.

 

[Opal1821]

Wow. I feel for you.

Three years is a LONG time to be in a long distance relationship. Shoot - Three years is a long time to be in a non-long distance relationship. Kudos to you just on that.

My question is - how often does he make the effort to visit you?

You already know what you're working with here by stating that he's very social and an admitted flirt. I don't think there's anything you can do about him going out with other people. The problem however is that if he's doing this now, what's going to happen if you guys ever do live closer together? He may have adjustment issues from kickin it the way he's doing now.

Even in a long distance relationship, the boundaries have to be CLEARLY set, where both of you are 100% understanding of what is and isn't acceptable behavior, and what your expectations of each other are. If you do not expect him to make new female friends and take them out to dinner then it's NOT okay for him to do it.

I can understand kickin it with other people in social settings that are not intended to end with a good night kiss, but straight up dating other women is just not cool. Even if they wanted to, I would not allow the platonic guy friends of mine who are in relationships, to take me out alone. I'm not that kind of girl, and it doesn't even sound right. That's probably why it's not sitting well with you. Just don't go blaming yourself for his "alternative" actions.

He comes down here about once a month, and I go up there about the same amount. We end up seeing each other every 3-5 weeks. My testing schedule is kind of crazy otherwise he'd be down here more often. We've had a few extended periods where we were in the same city. I was there this past summer and we went out and saw each other after work like a normal "close-distance" couple. Perfect bliss! So, I know it could work after I graduate, and this is what keeps me going in this sucky long-distance situation. We talk through everything and I honestly feel like there's nothing we can't work through, so it's odd that I can't figure out a solid answer to this. Guess I need to determine my limits

 

[Opal1821]

I don't mean to alarm you but something doesn't sit right with me and that story.

Yeah, but I can't figure exactly why. I honestly feel he's not cheating on me and would break up with me if he felt inclined to

 

[Browndilocks]

Yeah, but I can't figure exactly why. I honestly feel he's not cheating on me and would break up with me if he felt inclined to

Sometimes our gut instinct likes to whisper to us before it actually starts screaming...


ETA: and I really hate to sound like that but we know when something just ain't right. Now is a good time to put it all out on the table if there are some things that you feel the need to get to the bottom of.

 

[aja1121]

I try to understand why my SO needs so much female attention and why he sits on myspace for hours and talks to these female friendserplexed. I saw some of the conversations and they were just dumb. Then I just realized that I won't waste my time trying to figure those things out.

I do commend you for focusing on you and not selling yourself short just to be close to him. So many people loose focus because of loved ones.

Because you guys communicate so well, I would just tell him that you have this feeling. If you tell him that your comfortable all together, he may shut down and stop telling you everything.

 

[so so chic]

Just my personal opinion. I've know guys who do this type of thing, and even myself in some relationships, and it's not a good thing. I know a guy who has a girlfriend and will tell every woman that he meets about her, and even tell them how much he cares about her and plans on marrying her someday. He will go out with them as "friends", but still flirt with them and even have a sexual relationship with them, while all the while telling them about the girlfriend. Some guys may really have no plans on cheating, only having someone to go out with, but if they are attracted to the person and the person is attracted to them and they are going to the movies and out to dinner, anything can happen. No one can control feelings that just happen, feelings don't have to be planned. I would assume that he, or any guy would be attracted to the female if they've met her, and out of all of the women they know, have decided to out with her. Even if he doesn't want to do anything he shouldn't, some women could care less that a man is in a relationship, and will actually be more attracted to him because of it, and therefore try extra hard to get with him. This is just from my own personal experience, and I know it doesn't apply to everyone, and I'm definitely not saying that this is the case with your boyfriend, just wanted to share this side of a situation like that.

 

[Opal1821]

Sometimes our gut instinct likes to whisper to us before it actually starts screaming...


ETA: and I really hate to sound like that but we know when something just ain't right. Now is a good time to put it all out on the table if there are some things that you feel the need to get to the bottom of.

That's real. It's been whispering for a minute now. We've talked about it a lot for this past week and haven't really come to a common ground. Guess that's why I'm finally coming out of lurking to post . He does understand that it gets to me and is willing to make some changes for me, but it's hard for me to determine where my personal boudary is. Didn't bother me before, now it does. What changed?

 

[gone_fishing]

Just my personal opinion. I've know guys who do this type of thing, and even myself in some relationships, and it's not a good thing. I know a guy who has a girlfriend and will tell every woman that he meets about her, and even tell them how much he cares about her and plans on marrying her someday. He will go out with them as "friends", but still flirt with them and even have a sexual relationship with them, while all the while telling them about the girlfriend. Some guys may really have no plans on cheating, only having someone to go out with, but if they are attracted to the person and the person is attracted to them and they are going to the movies and out to dinner, anything can happen. No one can control feelings that just happen, feelings don't have to be planned. I would assume that he, or any guy would be attracted to the female if they've met her, and out of all of the women they know, have decided to out with her. Even if he doesn't want to do anything he shouldn't, some women could care less that a man is in a relationship, and will actually be more attracted to him because of it, and therefore try extra hard to get with him. This is just from my own personal experience, and I know it doesn't apply to everyone, and I'm definitely not saying that this is the case with your boyfriend, just wanted to share this side of a situation like that.

This is what I was trying to express. Flee from temptation type of deal. I have no clue, obviously if he's cheated - but he sure is setting himself up for it if he's having as many "friendly" encounters as the OP describes.

Also, women are cunning...cunning and sneaky. Obviously, it's his responsibility to remain faithful but that could prove hard to do if he puts himself in these situations and one of those girls actually takes a liking to him.

Still, I didn't want to seem like I was hating on your relationship or trying to alarm you unnecessarily. I know how it is when you ask for advice and everytime proceeds to slam your SO when he hasn't done anything wrong (proven anyway)...so I am trying to give advice without making it seem like he's already been tried and convicted.

 

[foxxymami]

Sometimes our gut instinct likes to whisper to us before it actually starts screaming...

Oh my oh my You said a mouthful right there Browdilocks. If that ain't the truth then I don't know what is. I'm gonna start using that

 

[Opal1821]

I try to understand why my SO needs so much female attention and why he sits on myspace for hours and talks to these female friendserplexed. I saw some of the conversations and they were just dumb. Then I just realized that I won't waste my time trying to figure those things out.

I do commend you for focusing on you and not selling yourself short just to be close to him. So many people loose focus because of loved ones.

Because you guys communicate so well, I would just tell him that you have this feeling. If you tell him that your comfortable all together, he may shut down and stop telling you everything.

Thank you! It breaks my heart that I'm not with him, but I've gotta place myself in the best position possible for the future. I've been good about saying how things make me feel, rather than getting pissed when he does something. At the end of the day, I only know what he tells me, and he has been good about telling me just about everything. Ugh, long-distance sucks

 

[Opal1821]

So So chic and adequate, you make good points. No need swimming in temptation unnecessarily. I think I'm more worried about the other women than I am about him. There's a certain amount of trust I need to give him in making his own decisions, but I don't think he's been making the best ones lately

 

[Bunny77]

Just my personal opinion. I've know guys who do this type of thing, and even myself in some relationships, and it's not a good thing. I know a guy who has a girlfriend and will tell every woman that he meets about her, and even tell them how much he cares about her and plans on marrying her someday. He will go out with them as "friends", but still flirt with them and even have a sexual relationship with them, while all the while telling them about the girlfriend. Some guys may really have no plans on cheating, only having someone to go out with, but if they are attracted to the person and the person is attracted to them and they are going to the movies and out to dinner, anything can happen. No one can control feelings that just happen, feelings don't have to be planned. I would assume that he, or any guy would be attracted to the female if they've met her, and out of all of the women they know, have decided to out with her. Even if he doesn't want to do anything he shouldn't, some women could care less that a man is in a relationship, and will actually be more attracted to him because of it, and therefore try extra hard to get with him. This is just from my own personal experience, and I know it doesn't apply to everyone, and I'm definitely not saying that this is the case with your boyfriend, just wanted to share this side of a situation like that.

Okay, here are my thoughts... I agree with this post for the most part, but I do think we have a LOT more control over our feelings than we claim to and I often think the "it just happened" thing can be one of the biggest cop-outs ever.

Only because there are so many steps that go into attraction and you can stop them whenever you want. If you (general you) are just hanging out with someone of the opposite sex and you start catching feelings and you don't want to, then you STOP hanging out. To continue to do so means that you're making it happen and you're making a choice to act on a feeling you might have.

Now, as for the OP's boyfriend, I would just be wondering why he continues to pursue so many female friends. He obviously gets a rise out of it (no pun intended) and he doesn't plan on stopping and Opal expressed her feelings about it and he STILL expresses no intention of stopping. That would be a huge red flag for me... I'm just sayin'... he's willingly putting himself in a position for attraction to develop, whether on his end, the other girls' end, or on both sides.

 

[Bunny77]

This is what I was trying to express. Flee from temptation type of deal. I have no clue, obviously if he's cheated - but he sure is setting himself up for it if he's having as many "friendly" encounters as the OP describes.

Also, women are cunning...cunning and sneaky. Obviously, it's his responsibility to remain faithful but that could prove hard to do if he puts himself in these situations and one of those girls actually takes a liking to him.

Still, I didn't want to seem like I was hating on your relationship or trying to alarm you unnecessarily. I know how it is when you ask for advice and everytime proceeds to slam your SO when he hasn't done anything wrong (proven anyway)...so I am trying to give advice without making it seem like he's already been tried and convicted.

A few more things, and also this goes with sosochic's post.

I like to think I'm above board in my behavior, but heck, I admit I've been tempted recently when it comes to hanging out with a man who has a girlfriend. Now this dude lives in Chicago and I'm in Detroit, so nothing's gonna happen, but when he happens to be around (for work), we have great conversation and he's super friendly... and I say to myself, I would never cheat with him, but maybe if I just hang around and be my nice, friendly and super-charming self (lol), that he'll start liking me and then he might break up with his GF and bam, here I'll be!

Then I snap into reality and ask myself what I was thinking!

So I'm just sayin', even if these women aren't TRYING to be grimey, any time a nice-looking and "nice" guy starts paying attention to them, they can't help but start thinking about being with him...

 

[Opal1821]

Bunny, I guess some of his reluctance to stop chilling with these girls comes from me. I say it makes me uncomfortable and then I back off because I hate setting "rules". I need to check myself with that, but your second post makes complete and total sense. It's only natural for a girl to be attracted to a guy showing her attention. Some may not snap back into reality though...

 

[SqrpioQutie]

sounds to me like he's dating... which, for me, would be unacceptable... he doesn't have any male friends to hang out with?

people he knew before you, i can understand that.. but if these are new random chicks, then they aren't a "friend"... and maybe i missed this earlier, but where does he meet these women?

when my male friends are in relationships, i don't hang out with them one-on-one... at least not until the girl has met me... and when i'm in a relationship, long distance or not, i don't expect that my SO is out meeting new women - it wouldn't make sense to me....

 

[aja1121]

Take this as a red flag! You've expressed your concern, that's all you can do. Focus on school and worry about your future with or without him. Don't let your insecurities with the issue consume you. Just keep your eyes open.

 

[Bunny77]

Bunny, I guess some of his reluctance to stop chilling with these girls comes from me. I say it makes me uncomfortable and then I back off because I hate setting "rules". I need to check myself with that, but your second post makes complete and total sense. It's only natural for a girl to be attracted to a guy showing her attention. Some may not snap back into reality though...

I feel ya... I think the key is to not look at it as setting rules but to say "I am uncomfortable with this and here's why."

A good partner would listen to an SO's concerns and make reasonable changes because he/she doesn't want to hurt his SO. Now, you don't have to be all like, "No more making new female friends OR ELSE," but be firm in your statements while being calm and expressing how you feel.

Also too, I know this is beyond what you asked, but what type of future do you see with this man? Do you see the long-distance part ending any time soon? Is marriage or some form of long-term commitment in the works? I ask this because if you've been together for three years and you want to express your feelings about his flirtations, you kinda need to know where you all stand... because if he sees your relationship as moving toward commitment, he might look at his behavior differently than if he just sees y'all as dating with no real future plans.

Finally... as for the post I made... yeah, it's tough. I mean, I don't think this guy with the GF is pursuing me, but he comes from a very affectionate family that loves hugs and kisses (they're Italians) and he is also hugging me and putting his arm around me when he sees me (luckily, only about once every two months). He'll e-mail me on holidays and send texts and I'm like, hmmm.... but then again, his brother and his father are also very huggy and kissy when they see me, so I just need to chill...

Still though, I gotta go to Chicago for work later this month, and I admit I've thought of telling him I'm there... but why??? I don't plan on being alone with him anywhere -- we'd be going to a basketball game -- but I still wanna see him and hang out. (see what I mean?!!!)

 

[Opal1821]

sounds to me like he's dating... which, for me, would be unacceptable... he doesn't have any male friends to hang out with?

people he knew before you, i can understand that.. but if these are new random chicks, then they aren't a "friend"... and maybe i missed this earlier, but where does he meet these women?

when my male friends are in relationships, i don't hang out with them one-on-one... at least not until the girl has met me... and when i'm in a relationship, long distance or not, i don't expect that my SO is out meeting new women - it wouldn't make sense to me....

He'll go out with his male friends and these girls may be friends of his friends. There's a big young professionals scene in NYC. He says that he sends out mass communication about doing something and sometimes it'll just be one girl that responds. The one on one things happen over the holidays when a lot of his people leave town. Maybe that's why it's been bothering me lately. However, as I'm typing this, I'm thinking that if I were the single female and I realized I was the only one that could go alone with him, I'd probably decline. At the same time he should realize the situation and let it go

 

[aja1121]

He'll go out with his male friends and these girls may be friends of his friends. There's a big young professionals scene in NYC. He says that he sends out mass communication about doing something and sometimes it'll just be one girl that responds. The one on one things happen over the holidays when a lot of his people leave town. Maybe that's why it's been bothering me lately. However, as I'm typing this, I'm thinking that if I were the single female and I realized I was the only one that could go alone with him, I'd probably decline. At the same time he should realize the situation and let it go

Sometimes men do not think situations through until it is too late. Those chicks that do the one-on-one and weren't friends before you definitely have alterior motives. Be wise though, don't let it become a competition.

 

[Opal1821]

I feel ya... I think the key is to not look at it as setting rules but to say "I am uncomfortable with this and here's why."

A good partner would listen to an SO's concerns and make reasonable changes because he/she doesn't want to hurt his SO. Now, you don't have to be all like, "No more making new female friends OR ELSE," but be firm in your statements while being calm and expressing how you feel.

Also too, I know this is beyond what you asked, but what type of future do you see with this man? Do you see the long-distance part ending any time soon? Is marriage or some form of long-term commitment in the works? I ask this because if you've been together for three years and you want to express your feelings about his flirtations, you kinda need to know where you all stand... because if he sees your relationship as moving toward commitment, he might look at his behavior differently than if he just sees y'all as dating with no real future plans.

Finally... as for the post I made... yeah, it's tough. I mean, I don't think this guy with the GF is pursuing me, but he comes from a very affectionate family that loves hugs and kisses (they're Italians) and he is also hugging me and putting his arm around me when he sees me (luckily, only about once every two months). He'll e-mail me on holidays and send texts and I'm like, hmmm.... but then again, his brother and his father are also very huggy and kissy when they see me, so I just need to chill...

Still though, I gotta go to Chicago for work later this month, and I admit I've thought of telling him I'm there... but why??? I don't plan on being alone with him anywhere -- we'd be going to a basketball game -- but I still wanna see him and hang out. (see what I mean?!!!)

Haha! I definitely do see what you mean! Have you met his GF?

The first part of your post is good advice. I'll think on that when I talk with him. As unrealistic as this may sound, we have two more years to go in this situation. I'll be able to rotate up in NY about every other month after this next year passes. We plan for him to do his business school where I do my residency so that we'd finally be together. I see myself marrying him, and just last night he said that he sees the same. When? I don't know. I do know that I'm 24 and not planning to be married at least until after I graduate school.

 

[Opal1821]

Sometimes men do not think situations through until it is too late. Those chicks that do the one-on-one and weren't friends before you definitely have alterior motives. Be wise though, don't let it become a competition.

Nah, I'm not about competition, but I've felt like I've been in one for the past month. Wasn't able to define why, but this thread has helped a lot. I'll end it before I continue to feel like I'm competing against someone. This is hard enough as it is now

 

[Bunny77]

Haha! I definitely do see what you mean! Have you met his GF?

Yes.

The story is this. I work with his uncle here in Michigan. Uncle has a big ole family and they come up all the time so I just automatically run into them. He is one of dude's nephews. Two times he came up with his GF... and his mama and daddy and his younger brother (also fine). Nothing has gone on because all these peeps are around, but when I get a text or e-mail every once in a while, it's like,

But anyway, it's all good. I just like crushing from afar.

The first part of your post is good advice. I'll think on that when I talk with him. As unrealistic as this may sound, we have two more years to go in this situation. I'll be able to rotate up in NY about every other month after this next year passes. We plan for him to do his business school where I do my residency so that we'd finally be together. I see myself marrying him, and just last night he said that he sees the same. When? I don't know. I do know that I'm 24 and not planning to be married at least until after I graduate school.

I understand that... I wish you both luck... and even though you're long distance, it's key to be considerate of each others' feelings!

 

[poetist]

I was in a similar situation except I was the one hanging out with "friends." My ex, like your SO, lived in NY and I was in Cali, so it was a long distance thing. I basically craved companionship and attention. At first, it started out innocently, but to be honest, I only developed friendships with other guys because I felt like something was lacking from my main relationship.

For the most part, they stayed platonic, but by developing these friendships, I opened the door for other relationships to form (and on a few occasions, they did.) And, yes, I told the guys I had a boyfriend. It wasn't always a physical thing, but feelings did develop.

 

[tocktick]

it's a strange deal to me for someone in a so-called exclusive relationship to be going out to the cinema and to dinner alone. going to dinner with the opposite sex alone has romantic/intimate connotations, imo. i don't know anyone in a relationship who does that kind of stuff.

i think it sounds almost as if he's trying to make you jealous by telling you about what girls he saw and what they got up to. this isn't one girl, it's multiple women. by not answering your questions about the girls, it seems like he's wants you to go through some kind of mental anguish and to start tripping and getting insecure about his activities with these women. the fact that you're long distance means his game-playing will work all the more well since it's difficult to verify for yourself the nature of these "friendships". imo, if a bf of mine made a new female friend then i'd need to meet her and "be-friend" her too and vice versa.