Never been in love

tru4reele said:
After my first heartbreak my mom always told me to keep a piece of my heart to myself. Don't give him ALL of it. It's a GREAT piece of advice.
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Even though in principle, I get what's being said, it's also is just a profoundly sad statement about love and relationships for women.
 
People are flawed and will hurt you, sometimes even by accident. That's why you save a piece just for you and never give your entire heart to anyone. Shoot sometimes even your own kids who you would die for will break your heart. It's self-preservation, protecting yourself, self-love. At least that's how I take it.
 
tru4reele said:
The feeling of true love is indescribable but heartbreak is a whole other ball game as well. U actually feel physical pain when it happens. Can't eat, can't sleep, lose weight. Most people who have loved have also felt true heartbreak as well. I have been in love three times and heart broken twice. nothing is worse than the first heartbreak. But your love will come around soon and maybe God has waited to send you the one so that you will never experience heartbreak.
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I completely am with you on this. My first and only heartbreak was just that. A literal, physical, ache where my heart is located. Crazy.

It was definitely the result of being head over heels in love and losing it. I was all in. Lol

Hell. I still haven't recovered. Lol
 
ambergirl said:
Even though in principle, I get what's being said, it's also is just a profoundly sad statement about love and relationships for women.
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I don't think so. I think to be deeply in love, but still maintain your identity, if just a piece, is a sign of maturity.


Humans are fallible and no relationship lasts forever...so when it all ends inevitably (even if just by death) you have to be able to stand.
 
hopeful said:
People are flawed and will hurt you, sometimes even by accident. That's why you save a piece just for you and never give your entire heart to anyone. Shoot sometimes even your own kids who you would die for will break your heart. It's self-preservation, protecting yourself, self-love. At least that's how I take it.
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This is what I was thinking but I know I can be a bit cynical at times. :look:
 
LaBelleLL said:
It's still not ok to give him all of your heart then?
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I mean I can't tell people how to love. I just know from experience that when you love a man and give them every single piece of your heart he has complete control over your emotions, your happiness, your well being and he can break you.
 
tru4reele said:
I mean I can't tell people how to love. I just know from experience that when you love a man and give them every single piece of your heart he has complete control over your emotions, your happiness, your well being and he can break you.
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I think it goes for both men and women.
 
NGraceO said:
But when you're in it, it's THE best feeling evvvvverrr. Lol.

Sounds like an addict :lol:
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like i said before, i never even really considered the idea that i love with my head more than my heart. but now that i realise that, im trying to figure out what it really means for me. i do have a thing where i will logically decide, in a pro/con sort of way, if its okay for me to allow myself to have stronger feelings for a guy :lol: the same with breaking up, if i feel like i have good solid reasons the relationship needs to cease, my feelings don't factor into it. i could have tried to keep the relationship with my ex going just based on how much i liked to be with him, but the reasons we needed to break up had nothing to do with that, yet they were more important. they took greater precedence.

there was only one time i really had no logical explanation for wanting a man, and that was mostly physical/infatuation. since i could not explain why i allowed him to take advantage of me for basically nothing in return, i can't put that in the category of "love" because to my understanding, if it was not reciprocated that clearly means it was something else. i dont really believe in one-sided "love" because if that person doesn't love you back, you aren't receiving the feedback that is necessary for you to love that person imo.

im trying to imagine circumstances where i could give my whole being to another person, and i really cant, because i cant see any justification for why i would do that :lol: i am capable of love, but im definitely not capable of completely giving myself to another person.
 
NGraceO said:
But when you're in it, it's THE best feeling evvvvverrr. Lol.

Sounds like an addict :lol:
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I agree, it's like a high in the clouds then heartbreak is like you hit rock bottom.

The first time I've experienced heartbreak was when I was 20 y/o. I had relationships before and after and a breakup was a break up. But a broken heart is like physical and emotional grief. I thought that it would never be over and I thought that I would've never gotten over it. I was physically sick. People were asking me what was wrong (I was in school at the time). I could laugh at it now when I think of the experience but I don't think I would ever want to feel that type of pain again.

I feel as though my future relationships suffered because of it, I was never 100% in, I was all about protecting myself in case it doesn't work out.

eta: I was 19 not 20
 
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LiftedUp said:
I agree, it's like a high in the clouds then heartbreak is like you hit rock bottom. The first time I've experienced heartbreak was when I was 20 y/o. I had relationships before and after and a breakup was a break up. But a broken heart is like physical and emotional grief. I thought that it would never be over and I thought that I would've never gotten over it. I was physically sick. People were asking me what was wrong (I was in school at the time). I could laugh at it now when I think of the experience but I don't think I would ever want to feel that type of pain again. I feel as though my future relationships suffered because of it, I was never 100% in, I was all about protecting myself in case it doesn't work out. eta: I was 19 not 20
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I was nineteen, too. Sigh. Lol
 
LiftedUp said:
I agree, it's like a high in the clouds then heartbreak is like you hit rock bottom.

The first time I've experienced heartbreak was when I was 20 y/o. I had relationships before and after and a breakup was a break up. But a broken heart is like physical and emotional grief. I thought that it would never be over and I thought that I would've never gotten over it. I was physically sick. People were asking me what was wrong (I was in school at the time). I could laugh at it now when I think of the experience but I don't think I would ever want to feel that type of pain again.

I feel as though my future relationships suffered because of it, I was never 100% in, I was all about protecting myself in case it doesn't work out.

eta: I was 19 not 20
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Sometimes I think we're more in love with that feeling than the actual person.
 
NGraceO said:
I don't think so. I think to be deeply in love, but still maintain your identity, if just a piece, is a sign of maturity.


Humans are fallible and no relationship lasts forever...so when it all ends inevitably (even if just by death) you have to be able to stand.
Click to expand...

hopeful said:
People are flawed and will hurt you, sometimes even by accident. That's why you save a piece just for you and never give your entire heart to anyone. Shoot sometimes even your own kids who you would die for will break your heart. It's self-preservation, protecting yourself, self-love. At least that's how I take it.
Click to expand...

To me there's a big difference between giving your whole heart and giving yourself away. If you're giving your self away that's not love, that's dependency or lack of identity or self. Wholehearted loving to me is being open, honest, authentic, and expressive in your love for your partner (not sacrificial!)

I get why a lot of women don't love wholeheartedly...because frankly a lot of men don't value it and take advantage of it. But how sad to have to live your life consciously withholding a piece of your heart.
 
Thanks for explaining ladies. I didn't understand it.

I agree with how withholding a part of your heart is sad and unfortunate. I am actually like this. It comes very naturally to me and I'm working on undoing this. No one did anything to me. I think seeing my parents fight so much hardened me to an extent. Or just made me close up to the idea of opening up and allowing someone in.

I feel like if I don't let go of this and allow myself to trust a worthy and good person - open myself up to the full notion of love and the full notion of being vulnerable - I may never get married.
 
i dont think of it that way. its just that i live every day of my life with the goal to be happy. happiness, and fulfillment, is an everyday thing for me. so i just am never really in a position where a man can supply that for me. he can supplement it, and i can be SO happy being with him and SO happy to have him, but since i know i can be SO happy without him around, he is not a necessity to me. there is no outside thing that could be a necessity to me, i just can't need any external thing that much. i've gone too long learning to be happy without relying on any external thing. everything in my life could only be... extra.
 
I love your way of thinking... It sooo reminds me of those meme's that state if you cant find love/be happy without a relationship what makes you think being in one will supply that need, lol

I am figuring out that I may/am root of discontent, so taking the time to learn to love me...

Wish I could thank that multiple times, Lol
 
bunnycolvin said:
i dont think of it that way. its just that i live every day of my life with the goal to be happy. happiness, and fulfillment, is an everyday thing for me. so i just am never really in a position where a man can supply that for me. he can supplement it, and i can be SO happy being with him and SO happy to have him, but since i know i can be SO happy without him around, he is not a necessity to me. there is no outside thing that could be a necessity to me, i just can't need any external thing that much. i've gone too long learning to be happy without relying on any external thing. everything in my life could only be... extra.
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This post is in reference to what?

Happiness and loving someone are different things ....
 
actually its in reference to hopeful's post. people sound less like they are in love and more like they need something from another person. to need somebody so much that you fall apart without them.
 
!

bunnycolvin said:
i dont think of it that way. its just that i live every day of my life with the goal to be happy. happiness, and fulfillment, is an everyday thing for me. so i just am never really in a position where a man can supply that for me. he can supplement it, and i can be SO happy being with him and SO happy to have him, but since i know i can be SO happy without him around, he is not a necessity to me. there is no outside thing that could be a necessity to me, i just can't need any external thing that much. i've gone too long learning to be happy without relying on any external thing. everything in my life could only be... extra.
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ALL OF THIS!!
YES!!!
This is exactly how I feel!:yep::yep:
 
LaBelleLL said:
This post is in reference to what?

Happiness and loving someone are different things ....
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:yep: Sometimes loving someone wholeheartedly has nothing to to with short term happiness or needing a man to make you happy. Sometimes it's about pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone in order to love someone in the way they need to be loved. Or feeling free to openly express your love and joy with your partner without fear of rejection or manipulation of loss of affection. Again no martyrdom, no selling yourself short, no giving yourself away.

All of that said, I rarely see this in relationships. What's more typical is that men want to be "chasing" for a lifetime and so the women in their lives are always withholding (or pretending to with hold)some part of themselves in order to keep them interested. I think it's just the nature of how a lot of men experience desire...they need to always be hunting...so I'm not judging women who withhold a bit in their relationships at all. I just think it's sad that we have to self regulate like that. I find myself doing it at times and I absolutely hate it. But it does seem to work.
 
Needing and loving someone are two different things. I know people use need and love interchangeably. When two people are in love and say they need one another, I don't think I mean it in an "I will nothing without you" kind of way. But just an emotional way.

I know exactly what I want to convey but I just can't find the words.
 
i came into this thread not understanding how someone could fall apart about the end of a relationship, and im going to leave this thread not understanding it. because yall are swearing up and down love and needing someone are two different things, which i happen to agree with; but yall are then insisting that love is what makes you fall apart, and not a codependency on another person, and that doesn't make sense to me. denial aint just a river in egypt.

that being said, i do what works for me. im not really going to change my mind :lol: so maybe i should just stop replying in this thread because i feel like my responses are prompting defensiveness.
 
^^ i thought people were saying when they fall out of love or are heartbroken they fall apart. Like overneediness and needing someone else to feel whole is a different story and is not healthy. In the context mentioned above, it's falling apart when there is a heartbreak.

Love is emotional. When you have a heartbreak - it will hurt. Then you eventually pick yourself back up and onto the next.

Maybe I'm missing everything.

But yes, people have their own styles and essentially should do what works for them. Love how you want to love.
 
LaBelleLL said:
Thanks for explaining ladies. I didn't understand it. I agree with how withholding a part of your heart is sad and unfortunate. I am actually like this. It comes very naturally to me and I'm working on undoing this. No one did anything to me. I think seeing my parents fight so much hardened me to an extent. Or just made me close up to the idea of opening up and allowing someone in. I feel like if I don't let go of this and allow myself to trust a worthy and good person - open myself up to the full notion of love and the full notion of being vulnerable - I may never get married.
Click to expand...

There is a big difference between having a closed heart and being open while keeping a piece to yourself. It's not either I'm completely open or I'm completely closed. And I think you become more and more open as the person proves themselves to be worthy of your trust, time, energy, and love. And at some point, there's always a risk of being hurt. You can take the risk if you trust yourself and want love badly enough.
 
the reason i came into this thread was because people were like "i know i was in love because the heartbreak wrecked me!" and im like :look: how does being heartbroken mean you know you were in love? ipso facto if you dont get wrecked by the breakup, you werent in love? that has been my exploratory point in this thread. it seemed to me that that was what people were saying, that they believed that to be true.

i dont, though i was open to explanations and other considerations. after reading the responses in this thread, i do believe that my original interpretation (that people believe heartbreak is a sign of having loved) was correct, and i have not been convinced that it's not actually neediness/codependency instead. i still believe that it is :yep:

in conclusion, my understanding and experience and conception of love is not as most others have described it, in this thread... but what else is new :lol:
 
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