Need advice on not-so-perfect prospect

[runwaydream]

Ok, so I met this guy online recently. He was seemingly perfect. He's 6'3, an engineer, is a 94% match with me on questions answered on OkCupid. He's looking for a long term relationship, we seem to have the same values and goals. While talking to him I realized just how much we had in common. It was starting to get creepy. We're both into anime, writing (we both want to write novels), music (we both played instruments in school and were in the marching band), traveling, etc. He seems very wholesome, which I loved. He's close to his father, though I would have preferred his parents had still been together. Anyway, we talk on fb for the first time last night and that is where I began to become a bit apprehensive.

He tells me that he lives with his mom and sister he quickly explains though that he used to live on his own but moved in with his mom bc she had breast cancer (survivor) and he was still worried about her and helps her out w. the bills. And how in this economy it makes more sense to live together he also mentioned that he believes in family sticking together and it's a shame that most ppl don't believe in that anymore. Right. Ooookay. So I figured though that isn't ideal I can deal with that.

Next thing that makes me raise an eyebrow is the fact that he used to be, not fat, but his body wasn't in shape. Because of this he seems to have less confidence than he probably should or could. Plus he had gotten into shape in college but then got bored with it. He had gotten into boxing recently and realized he's good at it and loves doing it so he has been able to stick with it and lost the weight again. My thing is, I hate sloppy bodies. What if he decides he wants to give up boxing and gets out of shape again?

Another thing, and this is the BIG one, is that he's never been in a rlshp before. He says he wants to settle down and get into a ltr but, how does he know? He's never even been in one before. Plus seeing how he's just now getting into shape and regaining his confidence, who's to say he won't realize that he can get girls now and wants to explore what he's never been able to before? I just think it's an iffy situation. I dont want to waste my time.

Another way of looking at it though is that he would have no one to compare me to and he doesn't have all that excess baggage of an ex gf and other girls that did him dirty, etc.
I am also considering the fact that we have a lot in common and he's in a good profession, seemingly doing well for himself, which is necessary seeing how I am looking for something serious... but still... Idk, I'm confused as to how to approach this. I know the ball is in my court now, seeing how he wrote me last. What do you guys think?

 

[runwaydream]

ummmmm.... **bump** erplexed

 

[Theresamonet]

I think you have to just go out with the guy and see how it goes...

 

[allmundjoi]

Y'all just started getting to know each other, give it a little more time to see what he is truly about and how you really feel about him. You aren't marrying him tomorrow.

I will add I don't like, even in this economy, him living at home.

 

[runwaydream]

^^^ true, the convo ended kind of awkwardly seeing how I didnt respond well to him never having been in a relationship. do you guys think I should mention meeting? I'm not sure where to go from here.

 

[UmSumayyah]

None of these are dealbreakers imo, especially for a guy you just met.

Living with relatives, esp if one is sick-- Very smart if all other things fall into place. ( a. everyone gets along, b. it truly is a "family unity" situation rather than one in which there are parasites and hosts c. your love interest is actually saving/paying down debt with the excess cash rather than blowing it all d. it is ultimately temporary unless there is (or a plan for) ALOT of extra living space.--South Fork style, or at least an in-law suite)

Never been in a relationship-- you won't know if that's a serious issue until you start seeing each other regularly

Shape/fitness--one of the main things is finding something you love and then making the time to stick with it. He has the former, time will tell if he does the latter.

No reason not to put him up for consideration.

 

[MzLady78]

So aside from the living at home thing (which he has very valid, admirable reason for doing unlike some men living at home), you're concerned about a bunch of hypotheticals that may not even happen.

TBH and I mean no offense by this, I think you're being a little silly and over-thinking this a little too much. Just take it slow and see how it goes, but none of these things to me are reasons not to continue.

 

[Windsy]

- just tell him how you feel about being inshape, etc.

- also how old is he? why him never being in a relationship a big no no?

 

[runwaydream]

MzLady78 i'm not offended and appreciate your honesty. maybe i am being a bit silly, but i am just being extra cautious bc i want to be careful who I choose to be in my next rlshp with. i'm hoping my next rlshp would be a ltr that leads to marriage, and i dont want to miss any red flags like i did last time, and end up kicking myself. so though i may seem a bit silly, i'm just trying to be careful.


Windsy he's 25 y.o. Him not being in a rlshp is a big deal bc he's a young, hot blooded blk American male who has not yet sowed his wild oats. I dont want to start something with someone who has missed out on this bc I feel at some point it will become an issue.

 

[MzLady78]

MzLady78 i'm not offended and appreciate your honesty. maybe i am being a bit silly, but i am just being extra cautious bc i want to be careful who I choose to be in my next rlshp with. i'm hoping my next rlshp would be a ltr that leads to marriage, and i dont want to miss any red flags like i did last time, and end up kicking myself. so though i may seem a bit silly, i'm just trying to be careful.


Windsy he's 25 y.o. Him not being in a rlshp is a big deal bc he's a young, hot blooded blk American male who has not yet sowed his wild oats. I dont want to start something with someone who has missed out on this bc I feel at some point it will become an issue.

Ok, good, cuz that's definitely isn't my intention.

I completely understand your wanting to be cautious. But I think sometimes "caution" ends up being more like "sabotage." He sounds like he could be a good prospect and I don't want you to let fear keep you from seeing what he's about.

 

[lavaflow99]

Oh he's young. Being 25 and not being a LTR is nothing. I was 24 when I had my first boyfriend. With school and getting career off the ground, I didn't have any time or interest in finding anyone serious. So IMO, I don't think that is a deal breaker.

And knowing his age, the other 2 aren't that bad either. Just have fun with getting to know him!!

 

[runwaydream]

Oh he's young. Being 25 and not being a LTR is nothing. I was 24 when I had my first boyfriend. With school and getting career off the ground, I didn't have any time or interest in finding anyone serious. So IMO, I don't think that is a deal breaker.

And knowing his age, the other 2 aren't that bad either. Just have fun with getting to know him!!

there's a difference tho. you weren't in a rlshp bc of those reasons, he hasn't been in a ltr or str for that matter bc of his confidence level, not because he had more important things going on, it's not the same

 

[Klearli]

I feel like maybe you shouldn't write him off until you get to know him better.
~He's not a parasite living at home, he's a man contributing.

~Just because he hasn't been in a long term relationship doesn't mean he's a virgin who is unexperienced with women, or hasn't sowed his oats.

~and just because he used to be fat...what?? What if you get fat OP? No one is immune to fatness. And whatever reason you'd say to not get fat, he probably has the same reasons.

Go out with the man, and stop planning the wedding, lol. Just go on a date.

Sent from my T-Mobile G2 using T-Mobile G2

 

[runwaydream]

Ok, good, cuz that's definitely isn't my intention.

I completely understand your wanting to be cautious. But I think sometimes "caution" ends up being more like "sabotage." He sounds like he could be a good prospect and I don't want you to let fear keep you from seeing what he's about.

this is good advice, especially the bolded. especially seeing how he's a good catch, other than the things i've listed.

 

[Windsy]

there's a difference tho. you weren't in a rlshp bc of those reasons, he hasn't been in a ltr or str for that matter bc of his confidence level, not because he had more important things going on, it's not the same

So you're concered about his confidence level then, right?

 

[lavaflow99]

there's a difference tho. you weren't in a rlshp bc of those reasons, he hasn't been in a ltr or str for that matter bc of his confidence level, not because he had more important things going on, it's not the same

Ah i see....i misunderstood why he hasn't had a LTR. Well, it won't hurt to check him out. Worst case scenario is that he doesn't measure up after meeting face-to-face and then you can say you tried.....

 

[runwaydream]

So you're concered about his confidence level then, right?

yes, that and the fact that the only reason he never really approached girls was bc he had low confidence, now that he's looking better and his confidence is skyrocketing, this will most likely change things in that aspect. we were talking about zodiac signs and he's a libra, i mentioned that libras were supposed to be flirts. he said he's never really flirted w. girls bc he was never confident in himself. i said, well now that you're becoming more confident you may become like that. he says "well, i hope not." he HOPES not, not that he won't. i liked that he was honest, but i still have to evaluate his response.

Ah i see....i misunderstood why he hasn't had a LTR. Well, it won't hurt to check him out. Worst case scenario is that he doesn't measure up after meeting face-to-face and then you can say you tried.....

yea, i guess maybe i wasn't very clear in my OP as to the reasons i am apprehensive. i do think now that i should meet him though, im just not sure how to go about it.

 

[Windsy]

yes, that and the fact that the only reason he never really approached girls was bc he had low confidence, now that he's looking better and his confidence is skyrocketing, this will most likely change things in that aspect. we were talking about zodiac signs and he's a libra, i mentioned that libras were supposed to be flirts. he said he's never really flirted w. girls bc he was never confident in himself. i said, well now that you're becoming more confident you may become like that. he says "well, i hope not." he HOPES not, not that he won't. i liked that he was honest, but i still have to evaluate his response.

Ok, now this makes more sense....it's a valid concern but I think you're overreacting with the What IF's....I say give it a try and see where it goes.

 

[LovelyRo]

Have you actually met him yet? If not, I suggest meeting him to see if it's worth overlooking some of the things you've mentioned.

 

[runwaydream]

Have you actually met him yet? If not, I suggest meeting him to see if it's worth overlooking some of the things you've mentioned.

No, I wrote him a message, responding to one he left me yesterday that I didnt get around to answering yet and at the end I addressed last night's convo, telling him that its easier to speak in person bc it's easier to assess the person and that i wont ask him out but that I will leave the decision up to him. but I said that I think we went as far as I think there is to go online. (i said it smoother than this tho, lol) we'll see what he says.

 

[MD_Lady]

I think this

...I am also considering the fact that we have a lot in common and he's in a good profession, seemingly doing well for himself, which is necessary seeing how I am looking for something serious... but still... Idk, I'm confused as to how to approach this. I know the ball is in my court now, seeing how he wrote me last. What do you guys think?

is enough of a reason to continue getting to know one another. The things he's told you so far could be harmless or red flags, but it's hard to say after just one conversation.

 

[lushcoils]

Have you actually met him yet? If not, I suggest meeting him to see if it's worth overlooking some of the things you've mentioned.

Yea, I think you're thinking and stressing a bit too much for someone you haven't even met in person yet.

 

[VelvetRain]

So aside from the living at home thing (which he has very valid, admirable reason for doing unlike some men living at home), you're concerned about a bunch of hypotheticals that may not even happen.

TBH and I mean no offense by this, I think you're being a little silly and over-thinking this a little too much. Just take it slow and see how it goes, but none of these things to me are reasons not to continue.

Exactly. I don't get the over thinking either. Give the guy a chance until he does or say something that is totally off base.

 

[MissYocairis]

OP, I feel you on being cautious that he has not ever been in a relationship before. That, for me, translates into someone who has yet to realize a LOT about himself and he has no experience with the rollercoaster ride that is relationships.

That being said, go out with him and see if there is chemistry in person. Take it slow and approach it as a potential friend. That way, you won't invest too much too soon.

I think 25 is old for a man to have never been in a relationship but, hey, I suppose it doesn't mean he couldn't be serious about wanting a long-term relationship that leads to marriage...it's just...he has yet to understand all that it takes. IDK . Keep us posted on how the date goes.

 

[runwaydream]

OP, I feel you on being cautious that he has not ever been in a relationship before. That, for me, translates into someone who has yet to realize a LOT about himself and he has no experience with the rollercoaster ride that is relationships.

That being said, go out with him and see if there is chemistry in person. Take it slow and approach it as a potential friend. That way, you won't invest too much too soon.

I think 25 is old for a man to have never been in a relationship but, hey, I suppose it doesn't mean he couldn't be serious about wanting a long-term relationship that leads to marriage...it's just...he has yet to understand all that it takes. IDK . Keep us posted on how the date goes.

You've echoed my thoughts EXACTLY. I know the type of person I am in a relationship now is completely different than how I was in my first relationship. But I'll see how he feels about meeting in person. Our convo didn't end well so we'll see...

 

[niqu92]

i dont see the problem with him living at home, there was a thread in the OT forum that was talking about that and theres a lot of ppl who still live at home in their 20's who are college educated and working.nothing wrong with that IMO.now if he didnt have a job wasnt working and was feeding off his parents and inviting tay-tay and dem over everynight to play xbox...then thats a diff story

my bro is almost 22, he hasnt been in a relationship ever. despite the fact tht girls are cooonstantly trying to talk to/get with him.girls just arent his top priority because he's going to med school so he has much more important things to worry about and he told me when he's almost done with medschool and things are stable then that's when he'll start looking for a girl. so maybe now that this dude is stable (or at least it seems like he is) and is working he is finally trying to settle into a relationship.
i mean you haven't even met the dude yet once you meet him in person THEN you should make a decision.but i dont see anything wrong with him your fretting over nothing in my opinion

 

[runwaydream]

well we are going to go on a date, not sure when yet but we're trying to see if our schedules will match up for this weekend. but if not then, sometime soon. i'll let you guys know how it goes.

 

[Makenzie]

well we are going to go on a date, not sure when yet but we're trying to see if our schedules will match up for this weekend. but if not then, sometime soon. i'll let you guys know how it goes.

Good. Go and just have fun. Don't over think and analyze everything. Get to know him first.

 

[caltron]

The only thing that I would have even the slightest concern about is the fact he had never been in an relationship at his age--I'm assuming he's in his mid to late twenties. I wouldn't be worried about him going hog wild with the ladies as much as the fact that he may be insecure and/or jealous, which sounds cute in theory but in reality can really work your nerves.

The living with his mom part would normally be a deal breaker, but he gets a pass because his mom is a cancer survivor.

He sounds like a good guy on paper and hope he turns out to be a good guy in real life as well. When you have a person with no major red flags, it's impossible to know what is really a deal breaker until you get to know them. Don't count him out prematurely.

 

[Makenzie]

runwaydream How was the date?