Natural Rites of Passage & Easing the Transition into Adolesence

[andromeda]

For many us (including myself), getting a relaxer was a type of rite of passage into adolescence/young womanhood. It might have been imposed on us by our family, we might have begged for it, or it was just "the done thing".

There were various reasons why:
We reached an age where we had to (or wanted to) care for our hair ourselves. Even if our mothers had cared for our natural hair well as children, we didn't want to or felt we couldn't.
We associated being natural with bubbles and barrettes and being a child (or TWAs and locks and being a mature adult).
We associated relaxers with "down-and-out", flowing hair and going to get out hair done professionally - some of the perks of being a teen.
All of our peers had relaxers and it was the norm to get one at a certain age. Teenagehood is often marked by rebelling against your parents and childhood by trying to fit in with your peers.

I think addressing hair's role in the transition to adolescence is a part of ensuring that natural hair replaces relaxed hair as the default and isn't just another fad. A lot of us made the decision to return to being natural as adults. As mothers, aunts, older sisters, cousins, mentors, etc., how do we help our younger ones stay natural in the first place and view relaxers/straightening as just another option and not a rite of passage? What are some rites of passage that we can implement to recognize and ease the transition into adolescence as naturals? Feel free to share why a relaxer was or wasn't a rite of passage for you and how your experience can be applied to young girls.

 

[Napp]

well when i got older the chunky twists and braid of childhood were replaced with smaller and more intricate braids

also i wore single buns and puffs more often

 

[qchelle]

Well I had my 1st relaxer at age 4 so I guess it was my rite of passage into kindergarten Most of my friends had straight hair at that time...like silky, bone straight. So I'm assuming that they had relaxers as well. I think it was just the 'thing to do'. We basically wore our hair in several ponytails with clips and barrettes and stuff. Which is why I kinda don't understand the need to relax it in the first place...if all the styles you're going to do can be achieved on natural hair (and hold even better) But I guess our mothers just didn't know what products to use to manage it. Which again, I really don't understand at least with my hair...some conditioner, oil, and a wide tooth comb will get you very far with my hair...but whatever lol.

So hopefully now more people will realize our natural hair is manageable with the right kinds of products and won't relax their daughters hair...especially before kindergarten

 

[YaniraNaturally]

Something that I think will help is letting kids wear their hair "out" more often. I remember being a kid and wanting to wear my hair out once in a while but my Mom always said no because I didn't have the "type of hair to wear out."

I'm not mad because I know she wasn't coming from a place of malice. She was just passing along what she had been taught. And as she'd say, she didn't want her "pickni running around looking like a raggamuffin!"

Also I know that the cycle stops here. I hope to instill a love for natural hair in my future kids.

 

[andromeda]

I definitely wanted the "out-and-down" styles as a teen. I always figured I would get dreads when I was older (20s) but at the age of 13/14, I had mainly been wearing my natural hair in buns, sometimes extensions, sometimes pressed. I would style my hair when it was dry and shrunken, so I always had a unintentional hump when I pulled my hair back. Some of my friends were still wearing large twist/braid styles and some wore intricate cornrowed/extension styles - not what I wanted. Smaller braids looked horrible and scalpy on me. Didn't know how to twist and even after I was relaxed, I wasn't into styling and could barely muster up the energy to wrap my hair at night. I was very hair-lazy. If I had known about twist outs and braid outs, I would've been wearing those. Puffs, too.

Here's what I would like to do for my future daughter:
At 10 or 11, gift her a set of her own hair tools and products. Make it special by wrapping or putting it in a basket.
Start transitioning to doing her hair on her own. Instructing her how to wash, detangle, dc and experiment with different styles. I'd ensure that she felt empowered in the process and not pressured or nervous.
Show her the versatility of protective styling. I think a lot of pre-teens and teenagers would like the freedom of wearing their out but don't want to deal with the consequences of breakage.
Surround her with images of girls and young women with similar hair types sporting all types of hair styles and in all types of situations. Whether she spends her teen years as a goth, geek, rocker, some combo thereof or something out of the box, I want her to know that natural hair is adaptable to whatever her style or mood is.

Of course, she would (hopefully) already have a solid hair foundation based on me caring for her hair, leading by example and instilling healthy attitudes about hair from a young age.

 

[Autumn Shaar]

My mother said she relaxed my hair just because it was so thick. Some people relax hair because they do not think they can or do not want to deal with the natural texture. If we can just help each other learn how to care for our hair properly and pass that wisdom on to our daughters, maybe less girls will get their hair relaxed so quickly.

 

[MyAngelEyez~C~U]

My right of passage was learning to press my own hair at the age of 12 or 13. after that, either I or my mother pressed my hair every 2-3 weeks until I chose to relax my hair at 18. I was a heat trained natural as a teen.

I personally don't see anything wrong with wearing your natural hair straightened. I have two teen daughters that are natural. My 12yo wears her hair in its natural state 98% of the time, and only asks to straighten her hair every now and again as a treat/change of pace, and is APL straightened. She loves her ever-expanding fro. My 15yo daughter, on the other hand, never wears her hair in it's kinky/coily state. I flat iron her hair every 2-3 weeks. She has gone from neck length to APL in the past year on this regimen.

Both of my daughters have beautiful, healthy, natural hair. My job has been to teach them how to keep it that way, and how not to rely on others to do it for them. Everything I learn here, I teach them.

 

[EllePixie]

My mother said she relaxed my hair just because it was so thick. Some people relax hair because they do not think they can or do not want to deal with the natural texture. If we can just help each other learn how to care for our hair properly and pass that wisdom on to our daughters, maybe less girls will get their hair relaxed so quickly.

This is pretty much the same reason my mom relaxed my hair when I was five. She said I had too much hair. And even with a relaxer, my hair was thick, so I was basically petrified of my natural hair because I thought it was going to be ridiculous. I mean, my hair is definitely thick, but it's definitely manageable.

I think a relaxer is usually a rite of passage as a child grows up thinking she can't wear her hair out, or it gets done but your mother complains the entire time. The best thing to do would be to show the child the versatility of natural hair at a young age and play with styles.

 

[chebaby]

i dont know why i got a relaxer. i dont even know when i first got one because before then i was wearing a press. but i do know i never liked getting them.

 

[MegB29203]

I didn't get a relaxer until the 9th grade. My hair was super long (almost twice as long as it is now when it was pressed) and is suuuuuper thick. I never learned to wash my own hair until after I got a relaxer beause it was too much for me and it was an all day job. I don't really remember the natural texture because I never saw it. My mom would wash it, blow dry it, and press it, so I don't remember the kinks, etc. I use to beg her to get a perm just because my hair would always be all over the place or be in some "kiddy" style because if I left it out it would puff up. My dad wouldn't let me get one...he didn't even like the fact that my mom pressed it every 2 weeks.

The only reason I got one right before high school was because I was on the marching band and my mom said she wasn't going to put all that effort into doing my hair (an all day job, literally) for me to sweat it out everyday. So I was ecstatic about the relaxer. Now I wish I had just left it natural because I would like to go back to that, but I have to transition because I've never had short hair and I don't intend to have short hair now...

 

[comatose]

wow, just brought back memories. my mom wouldn't let me relax my hair despite 90% of people in my class having relaxed hair. people would always say "oh, your hair will be sooo long if you relaxed it" (i think i had collarbone length hair or brushing apl, long by their standards lol) but she finally agreed when i was getting into high school. silly me, things went downhill after that.