My man has gone on holiday and not called me

[HairQueen]

What would u do ladies?

Okay so to give you some background, I have been seeing this guy for 3 months. We spend a lot of time together and we go out regularly etc. He has a bad habit though of not calling when he is engrossed in something.

He has gone on a 3 week holiday and has been away for 2 weeks now and I have not heard from him.

His best friend called me yesterday to ask if i had heard from him as he has not called his friend either. His friend is quite mad at him now because when he went on holiday he made sure he called him but when its the other way around he has not called him either.

I noticed that this man I am seeing does not tend to call peple they always call him. Should I take this personally and be upset by this or is it just that he doesn't think to call becasue he never usually never has to as people always call him?

I am quite hurt because I said to him please call me so I know u got there safetly. I know he is okay because I secretly tested the number and it rang so I know he arrived saftely but it would have been nice to know that.

How would u guys feel? I really care for him a lot and want to continue seeing him but it makes me wonder if he even cares?

 

[firecracker]

Well as you know not everyone is a phone person and you have already observed he doesn't do much calling within three months so live and let live I say. I would really like to know how long it takes him to ring you when he returns though.

 

[HairQueen]

Thanks for your post. I was wondering the same thing, I am wondering if I will even be in the mood to answer when he calls.

It will be very interesting to see what he got to say.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

Well he has already established himself as a non-phone person. If you've been having to call him for 3 months, no reason to stop. Can you call him?

 

[Laginappe]

You can choose to take it personally, but his pattern was established long before you came on the scene. He's not a caller. He doesn't need the same level of interaction as other folks. If he was calling everyone BUT you - then you'd have an issue. But since that's not the case either accept him or cut him loose.

I'm speaking from the stance of a non-caller. I've gotten into trouble several times with friends and relationships because it simply doesn't dawn on me to do the phone call / make contact as frequently as others would like. It irritates me when I've been chastised with the "You never call!!" I don't call because I don't really have a need to. Doesn't mean I'm not thinking about that person(s). But I can think and get warm happy feelings about a relationship and STILL not want to talk to them everyday.

I talk to my mom and sister the most, and mostly when they call me. My BFF since childhood? We talk once a month if that.

It causes issues on both sides. I understand fully where you're coming from and him too. The best I can offer is to talk to him about it when he gets back. If he's willing to make an effort to make more attempts at contacting you then great. Sometimes that works and sometimes it becomes work - and for me, when it became work I ended the relationship. Its just a simple matter of needs being met on both sides.

 

[BackToMyRoots]

Caller or not. That's ridiculous. If you go on vacation, and someone requested that you call to say you've arrived safely, you can at least make the effort to make that ONE phone call.

It's not ok, to not contact me in 3 weeks and then pop up like everything is ok. PLEASE. If he would have to drive 2 hours to get to the nearest phone or something like that then ok, but otherwise...errah NO. Besides, when you are into someone you tend to miss them and just want to touch base.

On the other hand if that is just how he is, you have to decide if this is behavior you can put up with.

 

[SoUKnoMe]

Caller or not. That's ridiculous. If you go on vacation, and someone requested that you call to say you've arrived safely, you can at least make the effort to make that ONE phone call.

It's not ok, to not contact me in 3 weeks and then pop up like everything is ok. PLEASE. If he would have to drive 2 hours to get to the nearest phone or something like that then ok, but otherwise...errah NO. Besides, when you are into someone you tend to miss them and just want to touch base.

On the other hand if that is just how he is, you have to decide if this is behavior you can put up with.

ITA. No call, email or smoke signal and you have spent a lot of time together previously. IDK

 

[Summer_Rain]

Caller or not. That's ridiculous. If you go on vacation, and someone requested that you call to say you've arrived safely, you can at least make the effort to make that ONE phone call.

It's not ok, to not contact me in 3 weeks and then pop up like everything is ok. PLEASE. If he would have to drive 2 hours to get to the nearest phone or something like that then ok, but otherwise...errah NO. Besides, when you are into someone you tend to miss them and just want to touch base.

On the other hand if that is just how he is, you have to decide if this is behavior you can put up with.

What she said.

I wouldn't be ok with it at all.

 

[Studio_gal]

That behaviour to me smacks of self-centredness.
It would bother me that he wouldn't want to put my mind at ease, esp after you requested that he did so.

 

[BrooklynSouth]

That behaviour to me smacks of self-centredness.
It would bother me that he wouldn't want to put my mind at ease, esp after you requested that he did so.

Serious about him? Stinks not to call. I understand men do not want to feel chained or monitored but this does not sound so great to me..him not calling you. Not so serious....just a date once in a while? So what, he'll call when ready. My tolerance level is not that high for such goings on.

 

[tocktick]

he's straight disrespected you. you pleaded with him to call you so you could put your mind at rest about his journey yet he didn't even have a decency to do this. he simply doesn't care enough, imo. how convenient that he forgets he has a gf whilst on holiday. i think the whole "out of sight, out of mind" mentality applies to a lot of people when they travel. i'm not saying your bf is doing the dirty on you but it is a possibility. some people think that because they are in a foreign country, their partner will never know what they've got up to. imo, you aren't one of his "boys" that he can go without calling; you are supposed to be his gf. i can not call my females friends for days, even a few weeks myself, because we are not in a romantic relationship so there is no need for all that. but i know full well that in a relationship the dynamic is way different. no-one simply forgets to call the person that they are in a bf/gf relationship with. tbh, if this was me i may have tolerated not calling for maybe 5 or so days then after that, it would be over. he'd have to come back with one hell of a good reason why he didn't call me fo 14 days whilst in another country. this situation is too shady for my liking.

eta: as for him being a non-caller and this behaviour already being familiar to you...i think that's true for when you're both in the same country. but i'm not a big caller myself but i will call if i've travelled. travelling by air makes a lot of people uneasy and it's nice to hear that your loved ones have arrives safely. when they call it puts their mind at ease. even if he called once or twice and not much/at all after that then it wouldn't have been that much of a big deal. but the entire two weeks...dodgy.

 

[determine3]

I dunno... that doesn't sound right to me. Since you requested the safe arrival call he should have at least followed thru...it's a respect thing whether you're a phone person or not. Is he definately your MAN or are you dating him????

Edited to say....I agree with EVERYTHING TockTick said.

 

[Gisselle]

Caller or not. That's ridiculous. If you go on vacation, and someone requested that you call to say you've arrived safely, you can at least make the effort to make that ONE phone call.

I agree with that!

 

[HairQueen]

Thanks ladies its so good to get some true honest opinons from people. Seems like a mixture of responses thankyou all.

I am not happy at all and I am just going to be very interested to see what he got to say when he gets back.

Is it something I should end a relationship over though or continue but on different terms? I would like to still see him but I WILL NOT be making half the efforts that I used to make with him i.e. calling him etc.

Please let me know ur thoughts?

Thanks

 

[HairQueen]

Well he has already established himself as a non-phone person. If you've been having to call him for 3 months, no reason to stop. Can you call him?

Hi

No I do not want to call him because it will not make me feel any better. If I have to call somebody to remind them I exist that will just make me even more mad.

 

[HairQueen]

Caller or not. That's ridiculous. If you go on vacation, and someone requested that you call to say you've arrived safely, you can at least make the effort to make that ONE phone call.

It's not ok, to not contact me in 3 weeks and then pop up like everything is ok. PLEASE. If he would have to drive 2 hours to get to the nearest phone or something like that then ok, but otherwise...errah NO. Besides, when you are into someone you tend to miss them and just want to touch base.

On the other hand if that is just how he is, you have to decide if this is behavior you can put up with.

Hiya

Yes I agree, that is my point exactly how mucch effort does it take to make one phone call?

 

[HairQueen]

That behaviour to me smacks of self-centredness.
It would bother me that he wouldn't want to put my mind at ease, esp after you requested that he did so.

Yes I think that is it self-centred. How can u been in a 'relationship' if all u think about is yourself?

 

[SeatownSista]

Thanks ladies its so good to get some true honest opinons from people. Seems like a mixture of responses thankyou all.

I am not happy at all and I am just going to be very interested to see what he got to say when he gets back.

Is it something I should end a relationship over though or continue but on different terms? I would like to still see him but I WILL NOT be making half the efforts that I used to make with him i.e. calling him etc.

Please let me know ur thoughts?

Thanks

If you decided to stay with him, what will happen the next time he goes on holiday and you don't hear from him even after making the simple request to call you when he arrives at his destination? You said that he seems to be the type to not call people. Is that something you want to continue to deal with? I would not expect him to change his behavior. I personally would be turned off if someone that I was seeing went three weeks without getting in touch with me. What good reason could he possibly have for doing that?

 

[PaperClip]

Caller or not. That's ridiculous. If you go on vacation, and someone requested that you call to say you've arrived safely, you can at least make the effort to make that ONE phone call.

It's not ok, to not contact me in 3 weeks and then pop up like everything is ok. PLEASE. If he would have to drive 2 hours to get to the nearest phone or something like that then ok, but otherwise...errah NO. Besides, when you are into someone you tend to miss them and just want to touch base.

On the other hand if that is just how he is, you have to decide if this is behavior you can put up with.

EXACTLY....

 

[Laginappe]

Yes I think that is it self-centred. How can u been in a 'relationship' if all u think about is yourself?

You're hitting on the core question here. Does he consider himself to be in a relationship? And if so, what type?

I'll be totally honest with you. For me, 3 months does not make a relationship. It could be the same for him. I can't say for sure but based on your posts that's what popped in my mind.

I will give you this - his not calling when you specifically asked him to let you know he arrived safely speaks VOLUMES. I have ignored similar requests mainly because I thought it was silly for that particular person to place that requirement on me. I always call the folks who matter when I travel. That's not even an irk issue. Its just a given.

At best and on one hand - his method of operation when he's in a relationship is polar opposite from yours.

At worst and on the other - his view of his relationship with you is simply different from yours. In his view, you may be a 3 month casual date. In your view he's your "man". There's a significant gap there.

Before you get entirely riled up over this, I'd suggest you get to the bottom of his feelings towards you as well as his SOP in relationships. If his answers work and mesh with yours then great. If not, then you know where you stand. No need to get mad over it. It is what it is.

 

[firecracker]

If your the phone type and he isn't you will be upset often if he doesn't respect your wish but like someone said you should make sure you guy are on the same page from this point on.

 

[SoUKnoMe]

Is it something I should end a relationship over though or continue but on different terms? I would like to still see him but I WILL NOT be making half the efforts that I used to make with him i.e. calling him etc.

Please let me know ur thoughts?

Thanks

Sorry but I don't see you in a relationship currently. Not the best foundation. From experience, if a man disappears without communication, it is because he is not missing you, and only concerned about who he is with at that moment. JMHO

 

[guudhair]

My first concern would be that he's alive and safe (even more so since no one has heard from him)...if you know for a fact that his is well, then that's a different issue...you said that he hasn't called his boys either, however; you are not one of his boys...I'm not big on calling my family/ friends but they know me like that so they expect it...but when I'm in a relationship that's totally different...I don't/won't call everyday by no means but I will call just to let him know I'm thinking of him, etc...that's because I really don't like talking on the phone plus I like my "space"...for me not to call him in over 2 weeks pretty much means I don't consider him my man, just someone I'm kickin it wit...

You've already made your mind up about continuing the relationship...so what you will have to decide is what type of relationship you want it to be and make sure both of you agree...good luck

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

Sorry but I don't see you in a relationship currently. Not the best foundation. From experience, if a man disappears without communication, it is because he is not missing you, and only concerned about who he is with at that moment. JMHO

i agree with this. this was the first thing i thought when i read your post op. that this isn't a relationship yet. you should find out how he sees the two of you.

 

[HairQueen]

i agree with this. this was the first thing i thought when i read your post op. that this isn't a relationship yet. you should find out how he sees the two of you.

You guys are so right he is clearly NOT my man. The funny thing is thought HE is the one that was talking about 'relationship' HE is the one that always wants to be at my house / around me.

Actions speak louder than words and in a kind of strange way I am glad this has happened because it has allowed me to wake up and see the TRUTH. If he had not gone away I would not have been able to see the truth so clearly and I would have stayed caught up in my little bubble world that I was in of thinking he really cared and that me and him may have a future together etc. I will not be acting like he is my boyfriend anymore to me he is now just some guy I am casually dating.

Truth is I am not very good with relationships so I don't know how u know when to call someone ur 'man' etc but to me man is not boyfriend but as we spent so much time together I thought he was more than just some guy I am dating but since he is acting like he is, that is how I will treat him from now on.

 

[sky_blu]

Nope, you shouldnt feel wrong for being upset. But I say trust your intuition, it doesnt lie. I think its rude.

 

[Be Positive]

What would u do ladies?

Okay so to give you some background, I have been seeing this guy for 3 months. We spend a lot of time together and we go out regularly etc. He has a bad habit though of not calling when he is engrossed in something.

He has gone on a 3 week holiday and has been away for 2 weeks now and I have not heard from him.

His best friend called me yesterday to ask if i had heard from him as he has not called his friend either. His friend is quite mad at him now because when he went on holiday he made sure he called him but when its the other way around he has not called him either.

I noticed that this man I am seeing does not tend to call peple they always call him. Should I take this personally and be upset by this or is it just that he doesn't think to call becasue he never usually never has to as people always call him?

I am quite hurt because I said to him please call me so I know u got there safetly. I know he is okay because I secretly tested the number and it rang so I know he arrived saftely but it would have been nice to know that.

How would u guys feel? I really care for him a lot and want to continue seeing him but it makes me wonder if he even cares?

SistaGirl,
I would borrow/acquire or purchase a copy of ALL THE RULES Time tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right from a friend/library/bookstore and read it from cover to cover, especially the contents section Chapter 9. JMHO.

I'm glad I have a copy

 

[BrooklynSouth]

SistaGirl,
I would borrow/acquire or purchase a copy of ALL THE RULES Time tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right from a friend/library/bookstore and read it from cover to cover, especially the contents section Chapter 9. JMHO.

I'm glad I have a copy

Yup, I'm a RULES woman but it's hard to stay on target unless I re-read and re-read it from time to time {Best to buy a hard bound copy and use it}. I started so well then failed and am reaping the lack of what I intended.

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

You guys are so right he is clearly NOT my man. The funny thing is thought HE is the one that was talking about 'relationship' HE is the one that always wants to be at my house / around me.

Actions speak louder than words and in a kind of strange way I am glad this has happened because it has allowed me to wake up and see the TRUTH. If he had not gone away I would not have been able to see the truth so clearly and I would have stayed caught up in my little bubble world that I was in of thinking he really cared and that me and him may have a future together etc. I will not be acting like he is my boyfriend anymore to me he is now just some guy I am casually dating.

Truth is I am not very good with relationships so I don't know how u know when to call someone ur 'man' etc but to me man is not boyfriend but as we spent so much time together I thought he was more than just some guy I am dating but since he is acting like he is, that is how I will treat him from now on.

in my opinion, you only call someone your man or boyfriend and vice versa when a specific conversation has taken place where the two parties expressly state that they are exclusive to one another. basically, he needs to say you are my woman and i need to say you are my man. i've been hurt a couple of times cause i did not have this conversation and just assumed that somebody was my man and they were only thinking of me as that sweet female they kick it with from time to time.

 

[january noir]

Hi ((Queen!))

Sorry that you are blue because of this situation. It's obvious to me and the some of the posters that this guy is "just not into you."

I don't mean that in a negative way, but in a way to help you release that loser! Yes, he's a loser if he doesn't have the respect and courtesy to call you while he is away on holiday for 3 weeks. That is a long time my dear.

Any man worth his salt and your time would call you at least twice; once to say he arrived safely and the other time to say you are on his mind. Also, what is he doing on holiday? Visiting family in Antartica? climbing the Alps, deep sea fishing on a remote island? PLEEZE!

I've read that you will no longer give him the "boyfriend rights" because it's obvious he doesn't feel the same way as you. I say go further and extract yourself from him completely.

You deserve much better.