my ex still loves me...

[Mena]

He told me this last night. I totally believe him. He is the only person that has been with me through all my rough times. He would move heaven and earth to be with me. I like him too. I never had a connection with anyone else like I have had with him. The problem is I am not attracted to him. Also, he loves me wayyyy more than I love him. I still care for him though. I am kind of confused. He also told me he applied to law school in the city I live in. He lives 3000 miles away from me. hmmm what the hell do I do? I dont feel right getting back with him because I feel like he deserves someone that will love him more than I do. I still do care for him though. on the other hand....I feel like I should get with him because til this day I never met anyone who cared for me like him...what to do?

 

[Lucie]

Why did you two break up?

 

[Mena]

Why did you two break up?

I was overwhelmed by too much togetherness. I kind of felt suffocated.

 

[**SaSSy**]

If you get back together and you don't whole heartedly feel the same it will mess him up for the long run, and playing with his emotions is really mess up for some men! That's why there are so many good men that turned bad!

 

[Lucie]

I was overwhelmed by too much togetherness. I kind of felt suffocated.

Do you think he would still be that way? If not, you should give it a try but lay some ground rules down first. Good luck!

 

[Mena]

If you get back together and you don't whole heartedly feel the same it will mess him up for the long run, and playing with his emotions is really mess up for some men! That's why there are so many good men that turned bad!

i dont want him to turn bad...he tells me about all the girls that try to get with him but he isnt into them like he was ever been into me...i i dont know what to do with him....we havent been together since fall 2005 and he still professing his love for me...i dont know what to tell him...whenever i need to vent or great advice he is there...moreso than my female friends...when he has drama ill listen but gees im not attracted to him ...i feel bad that i dont like him the way he likes me sometimes

i think part of the reason im not attracted to him is that hell let me do anything i want...he can be somewhat of a pushover which isnt attractive

 

[Arcadian]

Interesting anaysis.

SO loves me more than I love him(good thing too)
SO is a pushover sometimes when i want things (always good)
SO has never been into anyone like he's been into me(see where this is going?)

Look, if you're not into him, you're not. Does he somehow disrespect you, dosen't treat you well? I guess I'm trying to understand why if he has done all he can to move heaven and earth he respects you, treats you well that he's not enough.

Even I wasn't initially attracted to SO per se by looks, it was his brain that attracted me like crazy. And the more we talked the more I was attracted to his intelligence, and his crazy fun side, the more attracted I became and the more attractive HE became.

We had a LDR but these days we're together every day but you know what? I know when to tell him i need some time alone, go hang out with your friends, or go make some friends

Does he deserve someone who loves him more than me? I would say no. I do love him and love him dearly. Push comes to shove I got his back in whatever needs to be taken care of.

A man in love willing to do whatever it takes for his woman will more often than not love his woman a heck a lot more than she loves him.

This is just my opinion so take it with a grain a salt since it is after all the internet but not a place of malice:

I think you need to tell him goodbye and cut off contact because its like in a way you're egging on his actions to be with you though you don't necessarily mean to.

Don't drag him emotionally through the mud because you happen to not be sure about him.

And knowing that he would do anything to be "friends" and knowing how much he loves you? girl.... you may come to regret one day you threw him on the wayside or you may be glad for it but don't continue to tear his heart like you're doing, its unfair of you to do that.


Be with him only if thats really what YOU want, but otherwise, leave that man be.

-A

 

[Mena]

Interesting anaysis.

SO loves me more than I love him(good thing too)
SO is a pushover sometimes when i want things (always good)
SO has never been into anyone like he's been into me(see where this is going?)

Look, if you're not into him, you're not. Does he somehow disrespect you, dosen't treat you well? I guess I'm trying to understand why if he has done all he can to move heaven and earth he respects you, treats you well that he's not enough.

Even I wasn't initially attracted to SO per se by looks, it was his brain that attracted me like crazy. And the more we talked the more I was attracted to his intelligence, and his crazy fun side, the more attracted I became and the more attractive HE became.

We had a LDR but these days we're together every day but you know what? I know when to tell him i need some time alone, go hang out with your friends, or go make some friends

Does he deserve someone who loves him more than me? I would say no. I do love him and love him dearly. Push comes to shove I got his back in whatever needs to be taken care of.

A man in love willing to do whatever it takes for his woman will more often than not love his woman a heck a lot more than she loves him.

This is just my opinion so take it with a grain a salt since it is after all the internet but not a place of malice:

I think you need to tell him goodbye and cut off contact because its like in a way you're egging on his actions to be with you though you don't necessarily mean to.

Don't drag him emotionally through the mud because you happen to not be sure about him.

And knowing that he would do anything to be "friends" and knowing how much he loves you? girl.... you may come to regret one day you threw him on the wayside or you may be glad for it but don't continue to tear his heart like you're doing, its unfair of you to do that.


Be with him only if thats really what YOU want, but otherwise, leave that man be.

-A

Good advice. A part of me doesnt want to regret cutting ties with him. What if I never find a guy that loves me like him? Whenever I have issues he is always there, I rarely tell anyone else my problems. So if I cut ties, I would be losing that confidant. but yea i dont want to emotionally drag this out for him...he is way more into me than I am with him...I dont want to hurt his feelings anymore.

 

[cocoberry10]

i dont want him to turn bad...he tells me about all the girls that try to get with him but he isnt into them like he was ever been into me...i i dont know what to do with him....we havent been together since fall 2005 and he still professing his love for me...i dont know what to tell him...whenever i need to vent or great advice he is there...moreso than my female friends...when he has drama ill listen but gees im not attracted to him ...i feel bad that i dont like him the way he likes me sometimes

i think part of the reason im not attracted to him is that he'll let me do anything i want...he can be somewhat of a pushover which isnt attractive

I've been in a similar situation. Herein lies the problem (my opinion, of course). Sit down, it's going to be a little harsh!

This man has low self-esteem, or a low(er) amount of confidence than he probably should, which is what causes him to behave the way he is. Although he cares for you, he almost seems to act like he doesn't care for himself. And this is not good in the long run, IMO. I'm all for a man putting a woman he loves on a pedestal, but at the same time, a man (or woman) has to have some level of self-respect. There's a huge difference between a man who puts a woman on a (realistic) pedestal, would go to the ends of the earth b/c he loves her, etc. and a downright, absolute, doormat. The doormat won't say anything to you if you make fun of him in front of others. He'll just sit there and may even chime in with a few insulting things about himself. The doormat will never disagree with you, and even if he has an opinion, he will never give it. It becomes impossible, IMO to be in a relationship with someone like this, b/c they ultimately become one-dimensional.

I will always say we cannot control our feelings, but yes ma'am, we can control our actions.

His feeling of love for you is partly love, and partly obsession. Yep, it is.

A man (or woman) that will allow another human being to do whatever they want to him/her and still tolerate that person, be with them probably does not have a high amount of confidence.

Why you are not attracted to him, is because he really isn't being "himself." And I think this is because he's afraid you will reject him. But the irony of people who do this (people who are totally docile) is that they always get rejected b/c they don't show you who they really are. Maybe you wouldn't want to be with him if he were his true self, but that's okay, b/c he would know that someone else would value him "as is."

What's also ironic is that you probably would value/like him a lot more if he were himself, instead of putting on a facade. Honestly, he probably does have some amazing qualities: good listener, romantic, etc. But these qualities are not shining through b/c he is masking them by always trying to "not step on your toes," "not upset you" and "seem perfect." NO ONE is perfect, not even you dear Andre2000.

And the funny thing is, it actually ends up making you more uncomfortable b/c you think "I don't want to hurt his feelings," so then you almost put on an act/walk on eggshells for this guy. So, in the end, neither of you is really being yourself!

So, here's my final answer: I wouldn't just reject him outright. But, I would have a serious conversation with him about some of the things above. Honestly, if he wants to be with you, he MUST get his own house in order. For example, it's fine if he moves to the city you live in to attend law school, but he cannot blame you for doing this if you don't end up wanting to be with him. He should know that he must live his own life, and that you are not responsible for decisions he makes until you are in an exclusive relationship. Also, I would stop telling him all of your personal issues. Trust me dear, it's agony for him to listen to you, and it's almost like he's "safe," but he's not getting the benefit of being with you. This is kinda unfair, IMO. A lot of us women do this to good men, and then wonder why some of these guys do turn bitter. This is why. If I know I won't be with someone that really wants to be with me, I learn to keep some things private. That's what girlfriends are for.

Also, you are not responsible for whether or not he likes these women, especially if you've made it clear that you don't want to be with him. As his confidence increases, so will his dating happiness IMO! If you want to talk offline, send a PM. Sorry this was harsh, b/c I hate having to go there, but I think this is necessary!

 

[Mena]

he does have low self esteem...ive noticed from some of the comments hes made about himself...he had a rough childhood and was homeless for a bit...his mom came to us from haiti dirt poor....but he worked his way into an ivy league school...he has a lot too be proud about ...but hes had some traumatic things that has happened to in the past that he hasnt gotten over ...like he was kinda outcasted by his family because he was the only dark skinned one and he was molested at some point as a kid
He doesnt like to talk about this stuff. He will talk all day about my issues/problems and give me advice. Then, i will have to drag stuff out of him. hmm I do think we need to have this convo. I wonder how I should approach it. ideas?

i guess i need some more trustworthy female friends to spill my beans too...

I've been in a similar situation. Herein lies the problem (my opinion, of course). Sit down, it's going to be a little harsh!

This man has low self-esteem, or a low(er) amount of confidence than he probably should, which is what causes him to behave the way he is. Although he cares for you, he almost seems to act like he doesn't care for himself. And this is not good in the long run, IMO. I'm all for a man putting a woman he loves on a pedestal, but at the same time, a man (or woman) has to have some level of self-respect. There's a huge difference between a man who puts a woman on a (realistic) pedestal, would go to the ends of the earth b/c he loves her, etc. and a downright, absolute, doormat. The doormat won't say anything to you if you make fun of him in front of others. He'll just sit there and may even chime in with a few insulting things about himself. The doormat will never disagree with you, and even if he has an opinion, he will never give it. It becomes impossible, IMO to be in a relationship with someone like this, b/c they ultimately become one-dimensional.

I will always say we cannot control our feelings, but yes ma'am, we can control our actions.

His feeling of love for you is partly love, and partly obsession. Yep, it is.

A man (or woman) that will allow another human being to do whatever they want to him/her and still tolerate that person, be with them probably does not have a high amount of confidence.

Why you are not attracted to him, is because he really isn't being "himself." And I think this is because he's afraid you will reject him. But the irony of people who do this (people who are totally docile) is that they always get rejected b/c they don't show you who they really are. Maybe you wouldn't want to be with him if he were his true self, but that's okay, b/c he would know that someone else would value him "as is."

What's also ironic is that you probably would value/like him a lot more if he were himself, instead of putting on a facade. Honestly, he probably does have some amazing qualities: good listener, romantic, etc. But these qualities are not shining through b/c he is masking them by always trying to "not step on your toes," "not upset you" and "seem perfect." NO ONE is perfect, not even you dear Andre2000.

And the funny thing is, it actually ends up making you more uncomfortable b/c you think "I don't want to hurt his feelings," so then you almost put on an act/walk on eggshells for this guy. So, in the end, neither of you is really being yourself!

So, here's my final answer: I wouldn't just reject him outright. But, I would have a serious conversation with him about some of the things above. Honestly, if he wants to be with you, he MUST get his own house in order. For example, it's fine if he moves to the city you live in to attend law school, but he cannot blame you for doing this if you don't end up wanting to be with him. He should know that he must live his own life, and that you are not responsible for decisions he makes until you are in an exclusive relationship. Also, I would stop telling him all of your personal issues. Trust me dear, it's agony for him to listen to you, and it's almost like he's "safe," but he's not getting the benefit of being with you. This is kinda unfair, IMO. A lot of us women do this to good men, and then wonder why some of these guys do turn bitter. This is why. If I know I won't be with someone that really wants to be with me, I learn to keep some things private. That's what girlfriends are for.

Also, you are not responsible for whether or not he likes these women, especially if you've made it clear that you don't want to be with him. As his confidence increases, so will his dating happiness IMO! If you want to talk offline, send a PM. Sorry this was harsh, b/c I hate having to go there, but I think this is necessary!

 

[cocoberry10]

he does have low self esteem...ive noticed from some of the comments hes made about himself...he had a rough childhood and was homeless for a bit...his mom came to us from haiti dirt poor....but he worked his way into an ivy league school...he has a lot too be proud about ...but hes had some traumatic things that has happened to in the past that he hasnt gotten over ...like he was kinda outcasted by his family because he was the only dark skinned one and he was molested at some point as a kid
He doesnt like to talk about this stuff. He will talk all day about my issues/problems and give me advice. Then, i will have to drag stuff out of him. hmm I do think we need to have this convo. I wonder how I should approach it. ideas?

i guess i need some more trustworthy female friends to spill my beans too...

Wow, he's definitely been through a lot. The guy I was talking about also had been through a lot of trauma. Terminal illnesses he survived, the death of his mother and brother, and other personal traumas. It's really sad what some people go through.

He needs a bit of compassion, but also some firmness. No matter how much you care about him, it won't work if he never comes to be confident in himself. Remind him of why you are so proud of him and why he's so wonderful/unique. After all he's been through, he has A LOT to be proud of! I remember you saying that you weren't attracted to him. At first I thought it was a physical thing, but now I realize that it sounds more like the confidence thing. Low self-esteem destroys even good relationships, so it's imperative that he gets that in order.

I suggest reading Marry the Man of Your Choice by Margaret Kent. I just finished reading it. Even though you clearly aren't at the point of marriage, she talks about getting a guy to open up and I think you could benefit from this. He NEEDS to open up to you more, especially if you two are to end up together

 

[Mena]

Wow, he's definitely been through a lot. The guy I was talking about also had been through a lot of trauma. Terminal illnesses he survived, the death of his mother and brother, and other personal traumas. It's really sad what some people go through.

He needs a bit of compassion, but also some firmness. No matter how much you care about him, it won't work if he never comes to be confident in himself. Remind him of why you are so proud of him and why he's so wonderful/unique. After all he's been through, he has A LOT to be proud of! I remember you saying that you weren't attracted to him. At first I thought it was a physical thing, but now I realize that it sounds more like the confidence thing. Low self-esteem destroys even good relationships, so it's imperative that he gets that in order.

I suggest reading Marry the Man of Your Choice by Margaret Kent. I just finished reading it. Even though you clearly aren't at the point of marriage, she talks about getting a guy to open up and I think you could benefit from this. He NEEDS to open up to you more, especially if you two are to end up together

I agree. I think his low self esteem is why I stopped being attracted to him. I have to give him the talk tonight.

 

[MJ]

Don't they (exes) always come back or at least try to?

 

[Mena]

Don't they (exes) always come back or at least try to?

lol yep ...everytime either one of us gets out of a relationship we start talkin again...

 

[MissYocairis]

Arcadian speaks the truth! Her ENTIRE post! Reread it again...and again OP!

My SO was the SAME way. His unconditional love scared me a little. He was unwavering in the SAME way you describe. He was and is my absolute BEST friend. I strung him along FOR YEARS. He hung in there, gave me my space, and one day, I finally woke up and realized the extraordinary gift we had between us. And I grew to love him tremendously.

Think about it long and hard before you let him go. Explore what YOU really want and explore what your fears might be. Be honest with yourself about who you really are....if he doesn't fit into that equation, then be honest with him so that he will not rearrange his life to be near you....even if you are unsure, figure out why and let him know. But just know that he could be the one you have been looking for....if you can say for sure he's not, then that is okay too sweetie!

Interesting anaysis.

SO loves me more than I love him(good thing too)
SO is a pushover sometimes when i want things (always good)
SO has never been into anyone like he's been into me(see where this is going?)

Look, if you're not into him, you're not. Does he somehow disrespect you, dosen't treat you well? I guess I'm trying to understand why if he has done all he can to move heaven and earth he respects you, treats you well that he's not enough.

Even I wasn't initially attracted to SO per se by looks, it was his brain that attracted me like crazy. And the more we talked the more I was attracted to his intelligence, and his crazy fun side, the more attracted I became and the more attractive HE became.

We had a LDR but these days we're together every day but you know what? I know when to tell him i need some time alone, go hang out with your friends, or go make some friends

Does he deserve someone who loves him more than me? I would say no. I do love him and love him dearly. Push comes to shove I got his back in whatever needs to be taken care of.

A man in love willing to do whatever it takes for his woman will more often than not love his woman a heck a lot more than she loves him.

This is just my opinion so take it with a grain a salt since it is after all the internet but not a place of malice:

I think you need to tell him goodbye and cut off contact because its like in a way you're egging on his actions to be with you though you don't necessarily mean to.

Don't drag him emotionally through the mud because you happen to not be sure about him.

And knowing that he would do anything to be "friends" and knowing how much he loves you? girl.... you may come to regret one day you threw him on the wayside or you may be glad for it but don't continue to tear his heart like you're doing, its unfair of you to do that.


Be with him only if thats really what YOU want, but otherwise, leave that man be.

-A

 

[Glitter]

Interesting posts, I'm going through the same thing. Looking forward to reading more responses.

 

[Connie]

You've got some good replies and much to ponder.

My ex-fiance was very much like your ex, and he was very suffocating. However, it was his being suffocating that made me take a closer look at myself. I know that I'm a very affectionate person, very touchy-feely. If returning affection is difficult for me, it's for no other reason than the fact that I'm not feeling the person I'm with.

I cared, and still care, for my ex, but I wasn't in love with him. Though we parted as friends, there's no chance of reconciling (although he'd take me back in a heartbeat) because I'll never love him the way he loves me, and he deserves to be with a woman who can return his affections, not one who will merely be settling for a good man who wants her when good men are hard to find nowadays. Get what I'm saying?

I don't believe a man can 'grow' on you without a part of you that's in love with him to begin with, even if you don't realize it at first. But every woman is different.

 

[Mena]

Wow, he's definitely been through a lot. The guy I was talking about also had been through a lot of trauma. Terminal illnesses he survived, the death of his mother and brother, and other personal traumas. It's really sad what some people go through.

He needs a bit of compassion, but also some firmness. No matter how much you care about him, it won't work if he never comes to be confident in himself. Remind him of why you are so proud of him and why he's so wonderful/unique. After all he's been through, he has A LOT to be proud of! I remember you saying that you weren't attracted to him. At first I thought it was a physical thing, but now I realize that it sounds more like the confidence thing. Low self-esteem destroys even good relationships, so it's imperative that he gets that in order.

I suggest reading Marry the Man of Your Choice by Margaret Kent. I just finished reading it. Even though you clearly aren't at the point of marriage, she talks about getting a guy to open up and I think you could benefit from this. He NEEDS to open up to you more, especially if you two are to end up together

I talked with him. He admitted when we were together he was going through a rough time with his family. He felt better being with me than at home or being alone. I made him feel better about himself and yada yada... He said he realized about 2 months after I broke it off with him the reason. He realized he ran me off with all the togetherness. I was feeling suffocated. He said he's better now but I'm not sure since I havent even seen him in almost 2 years. He has matured somewhat though.

I still feel like a lot of the stuff I think/feel about him is out of guilt though.

 

[ThickHair]

All because he loves you doesn't mean he wants to get back with you. Did he explictedly say he wanted to get back with you for a relationship.

 

[Mena]

All because he loves you doesn't mean he wants to get back with you. Did he explictedly say he wanted to get back with you for a relationship.

He did talk about going to law school by me and how much he loves me. It makes me wonder. He's been acting all lovey dovey and stuff. Also, he said he would take me back because he cares for me so much.....

 

[PRpride]

I don't know maybe it's just me but I'm perfectly happy with my SO who loves me UNCONDITIONALLY. I spent so much time looking for a guy who actually cherished me that now that I have found one, I just can't imagine letting him go.

I think us women who are lucky enough to land an intelligent, sweet, loving man sometimes get bored and want our men to have more of a rough edge and be more "exciting". But you know what? After the initial excitement of dating a "bad boy" passes, we want what any rational person would want: To be loved and adored!!!! Take it from someone who has been in more than one relationship with those guys with "edge" that most women are attracted to: They will never even COME CLOSE to comparing with a guy who loves you no matter what. Yes, my SO can be a bit of a pushover sometimes. So, what? He treats me better than anyone ever has and probably ever could. Why would I want to give that up? It just doesn't make sense to me. Of course, you have to love him back and you have to be attracted to him at some level. But as long as you two love each other, that's all that realy matters. So what if you think he loves you more? You'll be so much happier with someone like that than with a guy who doesn't love you ALL the time and only loves you when it's convenient for him. I have heard so many stories about young women who leave a perfectly good man just because "he loved me too much" and "the relationship got boring" who ended up coming back 3 years later only to find that the good man they left has married someone else and they're left dating guy after guy completely unable to find a man willling to adore them with even 1% of the love that their original good man had given them.

In closing, I would say that every case is different and you should make sure you really love this guy before getting back with him. But make no mistake, YOU MUST THINK LONG AND HARD BEFORE LETTING A GOOD MAN WHO LOVES YOU AND TREATS YOU LIKE A PRINCESS GO JUST BECAUSE HE "LOVES YOU TOO MUCH". You very well may never find another man to love you like that again and believe me, if that's the case, you'll regret letting him go more than anything.

Good luck sweetie!!!

 

[Mena]

I do need to think about if I really want to be with him.

I think A LOT of my reservations come from vast class differences. I would feel more comfortable with someone who grew up in a similar way to me. If I can get over this, things would be better. Also if he toughened up a bit, I would probably be more attracted to him.

 

[sky_blu]

I think you need to be honest and tell him everything you just told us in this post (w/o hurting his feelings). IMO honesty is always the best policy

 

[Mena]

I think you need to be honest and tell him everything you just told us in this post (w/o hurting his feelings). IMO honesty is always the best policy

Me too. I just dont want to feel like a stuck up broad. He cant help how he grew up but I dont think I could get the kind of life I want with someone who has now idea what it is like to come from a stable family.

My family...
everyone is college educated or higher
everyone is married
people have had their messups but nothing SERIOUS
i grew up going to prep schools and boarding schools


His family...
all his other sibilings had kids out of wedlock and under 18
his mom didnt finish hs and didnt care about him getting into college or grad school..shes just out there
his brother is in and out of jail
his sister used MY CAR without my permission and jacked up my side mirror
he never had a real father figure...I think this is the biggest thing that scares me. I see how his brother and sisters have turned out and it leaves me very uneasy.
One time my ex even got arrested for something his brother did...he was quickly released on like 20 bucks bail but still
i never even been to a jail or seen anybody get arrested until this happened

He does seem really sorry the whole car situation but still.
I really dont trust anyone in his family except for maybe the oldest sister.

 

[UmSumayyah]

Crazy prospective in-laws is a whole other can of worms.

 

[keluric]

I always heard you should be with someone who loves you more than you love him/her. Obviously, this doesn't mean be with someone you're not attracted to at all but something to think about.

[EDIT] I read a couple of posts up.. um, messed up family/broken home? No, no.

 

[Mena]

yea...he has come a long way compared to his other family members but it still leaves me REALLY nervous...i have been around a lot but its too much drama ...the kind of drama i have never had to deal with in my life....

 

[Mena]

The sad part ifs...if he was born into different family circumstances....thatd probably make a world of difference for me ....a lot of the problems we had in our relationship were a result of family drama...he would always be around me because his family was so crazy...i got sick of him always being around and doing anything i said and got tired...he says hes better now but i dunno

 

[PRpride]

The sad part ifs...if he was born into different family circumstances....thatd probably make a world of difference for me ....a lot of the problems we had in our relationship were a result of family drama...he would always be around me because his family was so crazy...i got sick of him always being around and doing anything i said and got tired...he says hes better now but i dunno

Tough situation. Good Luck.

 

[cocoberry10]

If this post isn't the truth, I don't know what is. I'm all for a man loving you more, but you MUST be able to love him in some way, not just sympathize or feel sorry for him. I also think that men who are deeply insecure aren't the best choices. I think when they can overcome their insecurities, they are the best guys ever, but not until then!

You've got some good replies and much to ponder.

My ex-fiance was very much like your ex, and he was very suffocating. However, it was his being suffocating that made me take a closer look at myself. I know that I'm a very affectionate person, very touchy-feely. If returning affection is difficult for me, it's for no other reason than the fact that I'm not feeling the person I'm with.

I cared, and still care, for my ex, but I wasn't in love with him. Though we parted as friends, there's no chance of reconciling (although he'd take me back in a heartbeat) because I'll never love him the way he loves me, and he deserves to be with a woman who can return his affections, not one who will merely be settling for a good man who wants her when good men are hard to find nowadays. Get what I'm saying?

I don't believe a man can 'grow' on you without a part of you that's in love with him to begin with, even if you don't realize it at first. But every woman is different.