I Miss My Ex
- Thread starter chebaby
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Black Ambrosia
Well-Known Member
@chebaby Ditto^^^ The more I think about your situation the more I think talking to the man would be beneficial. I wouldn't expect to pick up where you left off but this could be the first step in breaking self destructive habits. Growth sometimes hurts but it's a part of healing. And you deserve to heal.
Shoot. Some of this is advice I need. I recently ghosted someone but only for a week and a half, not no damb 365 days cause he wasn't spending enough money. He left VMs though in the mean time. When I was ready to talk again? I just sent him a video of me singing karaoke with a caption that read "I love this new app!"
Then it was on like donkey kong again
chebaby
Well-Known Member
thanks ladies
so I reached out to him and he responded. this was all through text cause I was too chicken to call. he seemed like he was ok with hanging out and talking to me but I still feel like hes non caring about it. like his words say yea I want us to get back to talking but his actions are doing something different. one of the things about him is that hes used to being alone. he was left alone a lot as a child and when we first became friends he straight up told me he was so used to being alone that if a person came and went it was like whatever, and I remember thinking that was so sad.
I am glad I reached out but now I don't know where to go from here. part of me is like ok you reached out now let it go and the other part is like ok he is responding back to you and that's a good thing because... baby steps.
so I reached out to him and he responded. this was all through text cause I was too chicken to call. he seemed like he was ok with hanging out and talking to me but I still feel like hes non caring about it. like his words say yea I want us to get back to talking but his actions are doing something different. one of the things about him is that hes used to being alone. he was left alone a lot as a child and when we first became friends he straight up told me he was so used to being alone that if a person came and went it was like whatever, and I remember thinking that was so sad.
I am glad I reached out but now I don't know where to go from here. part of me is like ok you reached out now let it go and the other part is like ok he is responding back to you and that's a good thing because... baby steps.
Topsido
Well-Known Member
Good that you reached out to him but you will need to have a face to face conversation. Maybe you should try to meet him in a not so busy coffee shop for lunch. That way, you may have a semblance of privacy without the pressure of intimacy.
I read your post and I surmise how he showed his loving to you. Were you equally as openly loving towards him or did you think he should be able to read your mind and figure it out that you love him too just by the premise of dating him? There is so much give someone can do without getting back in return. You need to be honest with yourself before you approach him.
5 years is a long time to date someone without learning a thing or two about their character. I'm not quick to discredit him off the bat because as you'd stated earlier, you went ghost on him. He probably knows you better than you think and he may have known it would be hard to reason with you when you've shut down.
I'm not saying your perception of what may have been going on was wrong but perception only hints to us that something is off with our natural motion to belief. It's now up to us to take action by observation. Stop projecting. Also, because he's a loner does not mean he did not miss you nor noticed you've gone. How do you communicate with a brick wall? Good luck.
I read your post and I surmise how he showed his loving to you. Were you equally as openly loving towards him or did you think he should be able to read your mind and figure it out that you love him too just by the premise of dating him? There is so much give someone can do without getting back in return. You need to be honest with yourself before you approach him.
5 years is a long time to date someone without learning a thing or two about their character. I'm not quick to discredit him off the bat because as you'd stated earlier, you went ghost on him. He probably knows you better than you think and he may have known it would be hard to reason with you when you've shut down.
I'm not saying your perception of what may have been going on was wrong but perception only hints to us that something is off with our natural motion to belief. It's now up to us to take action by observation. Stop projecting. Also, because he's a loner does not mean he did not miss you nor noticed you've gone. How do you communicate with a brick wall? Good luck.
Black Ambrosia
Well-Known Member
This makes me curious about whatever caused you to feel like he was distancing himself before. It sounds like you cut him off so he couldn't hurt you but he may have been doing the same. If he's used to people disappearing and then you disappear knowing his history, I kind of understand him not showing up at your door. Not saying it's right but it makes sense.
You both have some issues to deal with and clearly picked each other on a subconscious level to address those issues. Now is the time. You should speak with him or meet him somewhere and really talk. Expect it to be awkward and maybe difficult but what you've been doing hasn't been working so a new approach is needed.
To be clear, the goal shouldn't be to get your man back. If that happens and that's what you want to happen then great but the bigger goal is getting past this self destructive habit and learning to communicate your fears, concerns, and desires. You'll never be able to experience and enjoy a loving relationship if you cut and run whenever things don't go your way. This is especially true if the person hasn't even said anything and you're going on your feelings. Feelings are valid but you don't know what's going on with the other person that could cause them to be distant or abrasive. You may be internalizing things that have nothing to do with you. He could be stressed at work, dealing with family stuff, etc.
You both have some issues to deal with and clearly picked each other on a subconscious level to address those issues. Now is the time. You should speak with him or meet him somewhere and really talk. Expect it to be awkward and maybe difficult but what you've been doing hasn't been working so a new approach is needed.
To be clear, the goal shouldn't be to get your man back. If that happens and that's what you want to happen then great but the bigger goal is getting past this self destructive habit and learning to communicate your fears, concerns, and desires. You'll never be able to experience and enjoy a loving relationship if you cut and run whenever things don't go your way. This is especially true if the person hasn't even said anything and you're going on your feelings. Feelings are valid but you don't know what's going on with the other person that could cause them to be distant or abrasive. You may be internalizing things that have nothing to do with you. He could be stressed at work, dealing with family stuff, etc.
C@ssandr@
formerly known as "keyawarren"
It sounds like he also has abandonment issues. I don't have any advice, but I hope you have found some sort of closure.
You were just texting. How did you get all of this via a text exchange? What actions were you expecting? What in his text made him seem "non caring"? Just trying to understand. You need to see him in person and really talk through what happened and how YOU are feeling. Texting is just not gonna cut it.
chebaby
Well-Known Member
before we got into a relationship we were friends. but I loved him like ive never loved a friend before. I would have walked to the end of the earth for him. and I was afraid to be more than friends because while family and friends were saying this is the best type of relationship (when it starts as a friendship) I was thinking if things go bad and I lose him as a friend I would be devastated. but we took it there anyway. he told me that I changed his life and he professed his love to me. and I knew this is the type of relationship ive always wanted but for whatever reason I never really verbally expressed my feelings to him. I just tried to show him and hoped he knew.
I knew this was strange as ive always told a guy I liked or loved them but with him I don't know if I was afraid or what.
and I know it sounds childish but I really did think we would be together forever. we traveled together and tried new things together and spent every single weekend together. and nothing I did drove him away.
and then calls went from 3 times a day to once a day at a very specific time like he had me on a schedule. and I admit the moment I feel someone pulling away I make it a point to do it first.
chebaby
Well-Known Member
I don't know what I was expecting. I know in this amount of time he has fallen into life and a rhythm without me. so I didn't expect him to drop everything but it would have been nice lol.
we do need to talk in person and he said hes up for it. last weekend he already had plans so hopefully this weekend it happens.
Black Ambrosia
Well-Known Member
If he was still calling you everyday then you definitely overreacted. It could be that he settled into a routine which is normal. The courting stage doesn't last forever. If a man called me 3 times a day I'd think he was a bugaboo no matter how sweet it was in the beginning.
You need to carefully examine your expectations and your willingness to participate fully in relationships. You aren't giving what you expect to receive.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Chebaby go ahead and meet him and talk face to face if you think it would make you feel better, but I would suggest that you tread carefully. I understand that you may have some regrets about not openly saying you loved him etc. but I do believe your instincts were spot on. All of this him being used to being alone is not really your concern IMO as either he wanted a relationship with you or he didn't. You can't heal or unravel his childhood issues. That said, perhaps you would feel better if you told him straight out that you loved him deeply and that you felt him slowly losing interest and loving you less. I can't tell if he ever directly told you that he loved you either. Perhaps ask him if he knew you loved him? If he did love you? And if and why did he start to pull away and love you less? After you get your answers, if you get your answers, I hope you find the closure you ache for and can move on. My mother had a somewhat similar situation and she regretted not hearing the gentleman out for the rest of her life, some 50-plus years. So perhaps getting closure and talking face to face will give you what you need. I hope so.
chebaby
Well-Known Member
thank you. I will lay everything out on the table and whatever happens ill just be ok with it.
yes, he told me he loved me and I didn't reply. I will let him know how I felt then, how I feel now and will ask him if there is a reason he pulled away. we will see.
onyxdreams
Well-Known Member
Op, you should let him contact you now. You have reached out and apologized. He may be putting off meeting you with excuses because he is unable to come to terms with the past.
Dposh167
Well-Known Member
Yea i agree. I wouldnt put any more effort into meeting him. I think u should be proud that u stepped out of your comfort zone and actually apologized. Now u take those skills and lessons into the next man. If your ex wants to see u after all of these failed attempts then let it come from him. U tried
hopeful
Well-Known Member
.
LiftedUp
Well-Known Member
How do you feel ? Are you over it? Or are your still hoping something is still there.
At this point if it were me that would've been my great exhale and the ball is now in his court.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
This should also give you confirmation that you did the right thing when you left in the first place. He is a slow ghosting kind of guy. He is indirect, but still communicating a lack of interest. If you could go back in time and have told him you loved him and directly confronted him on the pulling away, I honestly think he would have never given you a straight answer. People use this type of behavior to protect themselves. They get away from the person without feeling like the bad guy. And leave the person they leave with feelings of confusion and no closure.
Hopefully you can now close the door yourself. Accept him for who he is and the situation for what it is, and let it go. Men like him don't have the capacity to help you move on or get the closure you want. That is why from the beginning I said that you should be proud of yourself for following your instincts.
As you learn to be a better communicator, continue to hone your listening skills and trust of your instincts. Your ex communicated to you then and is communicating to you now a lack of interest. Some people will never communicate clearly in a verbal way, that is why listening to other forms of communication and trusting our instincts is so important.
chebaby
Well-Known Member
thank you.
I will def. take the lesson from this into my next relationship.
I stepped out of my box and reached out to him which was hard for me to do. but I did. so now if I don't get my desired outcome then it is what it is.
and I agree with you about my initial instincts. people can pull away for a number of reasons but I truly think he was over it a long time ago and then I started second guessing myself and thinking I didn't noticed what I thought I did.
